


You Have My World, You’re My Small Universe

by zhangsyixing



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Chaptered, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, the acquired moles r important!!, the rating will change as the story progresses as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-04-18 09:39:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 111,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14210319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhangsyixing/pseuds/zhangsyixing
Summary: Old habits die hard, Yixing supposes. Like being in love with your best friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yixingbf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yixingbf/gifts).



> Writing this fic, with all of it's ups and downs, has been a two-year-long Experience to say the least. I loved it and I hated it, but now that I'm posting it, it kind of feels like I'm letting my child go out into the world to fend on it's own. It's scary, if I'm being frank. I started this with a seed of an idea, barely even that, and grew it into something humongous and slightly terrifying. And truthfully, I finished it without even realizing I had.  
> None of this, absolutely none of this would've been possible without S. She cheered me on and yelled with me for two years over this monster. She encouraged me to finish it and helped me throughout the entire process. I can't say thank you and I love you enough to you. I owe everything to you, truly. My absolute better half.  
> This idea started out in a group chat with two of my best friends who gave me this idea that I took and ran with. N, this is 1000% for you and only you. You're going to yell at me, I know you are, and this is so much different from the original idea you gave so bear with me. It grew into something that I hope you love, regardless. Thank you and A for being two of the greatest people in my life. I love you both so much.  
> I'm awfully sappy, but I have put so much time and effort into my fic that I can't just yell about it and ask you all to read it. I can see my own progress of a writer growing throughout the course of this fic. How I improved and the parts that meant a lot to me. I hope that you all enjoy this ridiculous story. I'll see you at the end!

"I think I love him," Baekhyun says from his place on the couch, his head resting on Yixing's lap as Yixing combs his fingers through Baekhyun's fading orange hair. Yixing hums in response and watches Baekhyun toss up the small Rilakkuma bear that they had won in a claw machine game a few years ago into the air. He smiles at the memory, the one of Baekhyun yelling in his ear with his hands on his shoulders.

 

" _Xing! Xingie, not that one! No! The other one!" Baekhyun whined and pointed to the bear dressed as a puppy. "You have to get that one, it's obviously for me!"_

_Yixing laughed at Baekhyun’s excitement and bumped his hip against the youngers to give himself some space. Baekhyun had swatted at his shoulder but opted to press his face against the Plexiglas instead of shouting in Yixing's ear. Yixing couldn’t remember the last time Baekhyun had been this excited over a toy._

_"That glass has got to be filthy, Beak," Yixing muttered as he focused on lining up the claw with the stuffed animal that Baekhyun had wanted._

_"Hyung, you're running out of time! Push the button!" Baekhyun screeched instead of commenting on how he didn't care about how clean the glass was or wasn't. He did mention it days later, though, when he came down with a cold. He had said how the Rilakkuma doll mattered ten thousand times more than his health. Yixing had shaken his head fondly and fed Baekhyun soup to keep him quiet._

_"You're distracting me with all your yelling, shut up," Yixing had shouted back, laughter following quickly, Baekhyun's panic over the small bear had in turn made him panicked. Yixing pressed the button on top of the small joy stick and watched the claw swing as it slowly lowered over the bear of choice. Baekhyun, face still pressed to the Plexiglas, had been letting out small worried noises that made Yixing’s heart swell._

_"Oh, oh!" Baekhyun had started to jump and laugh, his smile had spread from ear to ear. "Yixing hyung, you got it!"_

_Yixing had held his breath as he watched the claw grab around the Rilakkuma and slowly lift it up from the pile of others. He knew how rigged these things were and had told Baekhyun before he even put money in the machine to not get his hopes up, but he had forgotten his own advice and didn't know if he could handle not winning it at this point. He had been fully prepared to spend as much money on the game so Baekhyun could have his doll._

_The bear slipped a little through the claws and Baekhyun let out a pained yelp and clutched onto Yixing's arm so tight he thought it would bruise._

_"No, hold on! Don't drop it, no, no, no!" Baekhyun buried his face in the back of Yixing shoulder in favor of watching the claw's tortuously slow journey back to the drop area._

_"Baekhyunnie," Yixing had whispered and the younger boy let out a dejected groan._

_"I'm so dumb, I should've listened to you when you told me to not get my hopes up." Baekhyun had thrown his hands up into the air and turned to leave, apparently not wanting to sulk in front of a child's game. Even though he had made a scene in front of the game just moments before._

_Yixing only laughed and bent down to grab the Rilakkuma doll from behind the swinging door._

_"Aren't you too much, hyung? Laughing at my pain is not what a good friend would do," Baekhyun huffed, now focused on the phone in his hand instead. "A good friend would be buying me pizza as a consolation gift to heal my wounded heart."_

_"I'm offended you think I'm a bad friend. What kind of friend would let you leave your prize behind?"_

_"Hyung, please," Baekhyun rolled his eyes before he stopped in his tracks. "Wait, my prize?"_

_"You're so pessimistic sometimes, Baekhyun," Yixing had laughed and held out the Rilakkuma puppy to Baekhyun, who had shouted extremely loudly, drawing stares from people standing around them. He grabbed the bear from Yixing's outstretched hands and hugged it against his chest before hugging Yixing so tight he couldn't breathe._

_Yixing had known then that he loved his best friend._

 

The bear flies out of Baekhyun's reach and he whines as it falls to the floor with a soft thump. He closes his eyes after staring at it longingly for a few moments, giving up on the bear and relaxes more into Yixing's warmth as Yixing gently scratches the top of Baekhyun's head.

"You love everyone, Baekhyun," Yixing reminds him and Baekhyun pushes out his bottom lip. But, it's true, Baekhyun really does love everyone. He has a whole body filled with love to give. His body covered with small acquired moles, marks from being in love with someone, Yixing knows the story behind each one.

"I love you the most," Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows up at Yixing and Yixing feels his chest tightening. Just barely, but he can still feel it all the same. "Plus, I meant like, in love with him."

Yixing hums again and he watches the rise and fall of Baekhyun's chest. It's grounding to him in a way. Makes him forget the last comment.

"Didn't you meet him like three days ago?" Yixing questions, even though he knows the answer. Baekhyun tells him everything, this was no exception.

"Yes, but you know love at first sight type of thing," Baekhyun smiles and whines a little when Yixing stops running his fingers through his hair. "And don't even mention the fact we were at a bar. It doesn't matter."

Yixing laughs softly and returns to carding his fingers through soft wispy hair. They're quiet for a while and Yixing thinks that Baekhyun might've fallen asleep, which isn't all that uncommon. University is tiring and Baekhyun works at a small cafe on campus on top of his classes even though he doesn’t have to. So Yixing lets him rest in his lap, not really wanting to get up anyway.

"I think this time will be different," Baekhyun whispers and it startles Yixing a bit. He gives the younger's head a gentle scratch to let him know he's listening.

"Why do you think?" Yixing whispers back just as quietly, asking because he cares about whatever Baekhyun cares about. It’s always been that way, and it will always be that way, no matter what.

"It felt different when I talked to him," Baekhyun is quiet for a moment before he starts up again. "A good different. Different from Lu han, and definitely different from Yifan and Zitao. It felt right, you know?"

Yixing hums and nods, even though Baekhyun can't see him and he doesn't. He doesn't know what it's like to have someone love him the way he loves Baekhyun, but he doesn't dwell on it. Pushes it to the back of his mind for self-loathing days, when he feels like he can't get out of bed and Baekhyun makes him soup and cuddles him even though he has work to do. He thinks he's really lucky, but maybe he's not so lucky.

"If it feels good to you, then I'm sure it is Baekhyun," Yixing rubs his finger around the shell of Baekhyun's ear and the younger smiles up at him from his lap.

"You think so?"

"I know so." Yixing smiles back and Baekhyun nods closing his eyes again. Yixing follows suit, feeling his chest weigh down on him and it's probably best to just sleep it off.

"His name is Do Kyungsoo," Baekhyun adds, his voice thick with sleep as an afterthought. Yixing knows, Baekhyun had told him over a drunken phone call the night Baekhyun had met the other man.

Yixing settles his head on the back of the couch, slouching a bit to get comfortable, and lets out a deep breath that makes him cough a little, his fingers still in Baekhyun's hair.

 

Yixing doesn't see much of Baekhyun for the next few weeks, but that's usually how it goes, and he's gotten used to it the past few years. He knows that it's nothing personal, just that Baekhyun gives his all or nothing. Yixing's okay with it, for the most part. It's not like he has much say in it anyway, he can’t tell Baekhyun what to do, and it’s not like he’d listen anyway. Baekhyun loves with every fiber of his being, and Yixing loves and despises that about him.

He loves it because it's beautiful to see someone feel so much and so deeply, as grossly romantic as that sounds. Yixing has never shied away from being cheesy. And despises it because it only leads to the other extreme, heartbreak.

Yixing knows it's not all black and white, but despite Baekhyun fitting on the black and white spectrum at the bright color of fluorescent pink, his emotions are basically black and white, only the extremes and nothing too much in between. Yixing's there despite it all though, because it's his best friend after all. He'll be there for all the really good moments and all the really bad ones.

Sometimes Kyungsoo will drop Baekhyun off at Yixing’s apartment in his nice car and kiss Baekhyun with his full lips through the window of his car while Yixing waits on the front steps of his building. Yixing won’t say that Kyungsoo isn’t attractive, because Baekhyun has really amazing taste, but he still gets a bitter taste in the back of his throat whenever he’s around for those few short moments.

Those short moments become almost nonexistent after a few weeks, to the point of Baekhyun not even mentioning Kyungsoo during a meal out.

Yixing isn't too surprised when he comes home from working late at the diner on campus, the opposite direction of Baekhyun's apartment, and finds the younger curled in a ball on his futon. His knees are pulled to his chest and he looks exhausted, he looks drained and sad even in his sleep. Yixing sets down his bag and pulls off his work shirt, knowing it probably smells like grease, and sits down next to Baekhyun. He's careful to not disturb him, he can tell he's been crying and Yixing sighs to himself, wishes that Baekhyun wouldn't do this to himself.

 

_"I got a new mole today, hyung," Baekhyun said over the pixelated screen of their Skype call. Yixing smiled and raised his eyebrows as he leaned forward to try and spot the mole through the laptop screen. Baekhyun had pulled down the collar of his shirt as he pointed to a spot in the dip above his clavicle bone._

_"Does he have one too?" Yixing asked as he looked back down at the music sheets in front of him. He tried taking these things with a grain of salt, but sometimes it weighed heavy down on his stomach and he felt like he'd be sick._

_There was rustling of papers, a turn of a page, before Baekhyun answered._

_"I'm not sure, I guess Soo never told me," Baekhyun hummed, a bit distracted from his work. "Should I ask him?"_

_Yixing looked up from his papers and set his pen down to watch Baekhyun through the computer. It was holidays so Yixing had gone home to Changsha to visit his Grandmother. He hardly ever got to go home. It was so much money to fly there and back. He was always conflicted when he went back home because he never liked leaving Baekhyun for long periods of time, but he missed his home so much at times that he felt his heart physically ache. Almost the same way he felt when he was in Changsha without the younger. Baekhyun hadn't looked up at Yixing then, instead he chewed on the end of his pen and stared at his Socials book._

_"If you think you should, then yes," Yixing leaned his chin on his hand and watched a small smile grow on Baekhyun's lips._

_"Aish, always so Phil- ah, philosophical?"_

_"Yes, philosophical, Byun," Yixing laughed at Baekhyun's pout and even harder at his half assed threat to hang up the call. Told him he should probably just stick to speaking in Korean and forget Chinese. It was a lost cause, Yixing had been trying for years._

Yixing gently runs his finger along the shell of Baekhyun's ear and he lets out a soft whine.

"Baekhyunnie," Yixing whispers and Baekhyun knits his brows together and shakes his head. Yixing can tell he doesn't want to talk about it. So, he doesn't force it. Instead he follows Baekhyun's grabby hands and lays down behind him. His arm wraps around Baekhyun's torso as he pulls him closer, and kisses his head gently, sweeping his thumb across Baekhyun's wet cheeks.

Yixing's throat constricts momentarily, like he wants to cough, but he holds it back. He doesn't want to disturb Baekhyun, he just wants him to rest and be safe. He swallows down the urge and let's Baekhyun flip over so he's facing Yixing and bury his face in the crook of his neck. It tickles but Yixing refuses to flinch, refuses to shy away from the uncomfortable feeling of something against his neck like he normally would.

Baekhyun's breathing grows heavier and more even. Yixing knows he's asleep again, he probably needs it, too. Yixing doesn’t want to entertain the thought that Baekhyun maybe hasn’t slept in days, or at least since whatever happened with Kyungsoo. Yixing traces his fingers down Baekhyun's back slowly and the younger lets out a small whimper in his sleep that makes Yixing's bones ache.

They lay there for longer than Yixing can keep track of, he dozes off a few times, but nothing long enough to be even considered as a nap. Finally, Baekhyun stirs and groans as he stretches out his body, still in Yixing's arms. His eyes are still closed and Yixing stares at him, at the way his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks lightly, and how his tongue darts out to wet his sleep dried lips.

Yixing wants to kiss Baekhyun, wants to kiss all the sadness and heartbreak out of his body. He wants to show Baekhyun that he's right there and ready to give him all the love he deserves. But he doesn't, he keeps it to himself and pretends like he never had the thoughts in the first place because it's easier that way.

"Morning," Baekhyun rasps out, his voice harsh and thick with sleep. He clears his throat and swallows, Yixing watches the place where his Adam's Apple should be. It's soft there, Yixing wants to kiss it and litter the skin with red and purple hickeys, to let everyone know that Baekhyun is his, but he doesn't because not only can he not, but because Baekhyun isn't his. Baekhyun isn't anyone's.

"It's like two am, Baekhyun," Yixing whispers and brushes the hair out of Baekhyun's droopy eyes. He blinks up at Yixing, a small pout on his lips and Yixing lets out a shaky laugh that he hopes goes unnoticed.

"Well, it's technically the morning," Baekhyun nuzzles back into Yixing's chest and Yixing holds him there, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Baekhyun releases a shuttering breath and Yixing pulls him closer and doesn't miss the feeling of warm tears falling on his exposed skin.

"I don't know what happened," Baekhyun sniffles and grips onto the fabric of Yixing's loose undershirt. "I thought he was different."

Yixing nods and runs his finger around the shell of Baekhyun's ear, ignoring the urge to cough again.

"I–I asked him if he got a mole too," Baekhyun hiccups slightly and Yixing shushes him soothingly, carding his fingers through unwashed orange hair. "And he yelled at me and called me a kid."

Yixing bites down on his bottom lip to keep himself from saying anything, because despite the circumstances he knows Baekhyun still cares for the other man. No matter how heartbroken Baekhyun has ever been, he can never find it in himself to have hateful feelings towards anyone.

"He said I was too obsessed with finding my soulmate, and that the number of moles I have was disgusting," Baekhyun whispers and sniffles again and Yixing shakes his head firmly. A frown pulling down on his lips.

"Baekhyun, it's not disgusting. Having your marks is fine. It’s not like you can't help it. Don't beat yourself up for something you can't control." Yixing lets out a slow breath and feels Baekhyun’s warmth against his chest. “You’ll find your soulmate in due time, yeah? Sometime someone is going to have a mole to match yours and you’ll be whole.”

Baekhyun nods and rubs the backs of his hands on his cheeks ridding his skin of tears. He's still shaking in Yixing's arms, but he's mostly calmed down. Yixing presses his lips to the top of Baekhyun's head and holds him close and wishes he didn't have to let go.

He eventually does though, because Baekhyun has an exam in a few hours that he didn't study for and all of his stuff is back in his apartment. Yixing is reluctant to let go, but he makes Baekhyun promise to text him when he gets back home safely and reminds him that he's only a phone call away if he needs anything.

"I know, mom," Baekhyun laughs softly and Yixing squeezes his hand one last time. "I'm just down the road, don't worry so much. It's bad for your old age."

"Hey, I'm not even that much older than you," Yixing pouts and Baekhyun smiles, his eyes turning to half-moon crescents on his face.

Yixing closes the door behind Baekhyun and rests his forehead against it, letting out a slow breath. It's followed by a fit of coughs that has Yixing doubled over, holding his chest. He gags slightly as something comes up his throat, but he swallows it back down. He doesn't have time to get sick.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zhixiang is [Show Luo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExT-8Z6_iSc) from the show Go Fighting that Yixing is on!  
> Chapter warnings;  
> mentions of drinking, vomiting, unwanted advances(?).

"Hyung!" Baekhyun yells as he barges into Yixing's apartment, scaring Yixing half to death. Yixing jumps and stumbles over his feet, getting tangled in the pants he was trying to put on. He catches himself on the futon before he falls face first to the floor and turns to glare at Baekhyun.

"Don't you know how to knock? I could've died," Yixing grumbles and stands up pulling his pants up the rest of the way. He swore he locked the door. He's not usually one for dramatics but being best friends with Baekhyun since they were little is finally starting to rub off on him.

"Firstly, nice pink boxers," Baekhyun winks at him and Yixing rolls his eyes in favor of paying attention to the heat rising on his cheeks. "Second, you couldn't have died, maybe like a concussion or something. And third of all, you'll never guess what just happened to me."

Yixing gives Baekhyun a look and pulls on his shirt. "You can go into a coma from those, you know."

"That's not the point here, Yixing."

"What won't I guess then, did you fall in love in a coffee shop today?" Yixing teases him and Baekhyun pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks so young when he does things like that, it makes it even harder for Yixing to pretend like he’s not in love with him.

"The library, actually," Baekhyun corrects and Yixing raises his eyebrows looking up from the spot on his couch where he sat down to put his shoes on.

"Byun Baekhyun, in a library? I think you're sick. Do I need to call an ambulance?" Yixing stands up, fighting a smile as he presses the back of his hand to Baekhyun's forehead. "Oh dear, I think you have a fever. We should get you to the doctor right away."

Baekhyun shoves Yixing away with a whine as the older laughs and grabs his bag from the floor and slings it over his shoulder.

"Shut up, you ass, I met a boy. Now is not time for your dumb jokes." Baekhyun trails after Yixing out of his apartment, easily setting pace with him. "Anyway, he's so cute. He could be a model. All tall and handsome and shit."

"Does he not fit in the dark category?" Yixing smirks and Baekhyun elbows him in the ribs, earning a pained yelp and a punch to the shoulder. "Sorry, sorry, I'm done joking now. What's this lovely man's name?"

"Sehun. I don't think I caught his surname, but that doesn't matter. He's like nineteen, so he's a year younger than me, but he's so funny. And beautiful. Like really beautiful." Baekhyun goes on while they walk to their class, the only one they have together. Yixing's happy that Baekhyun's gotten over Kyungsoo, he was kind of a mess for a while. Yixing nods and smiles, asking questions when they're needed, lets Baekhyun know he's listening and he cares. But he only cares because it's Baekhyun speaking.

Yixing starts coughing. He coughs so hard he has to stop and hold his chest again. Baekhyun pats his back with a worried look on his face until the fit is over. Yixing swallows down the stuff he keeps coughing up and shakes his head.

"You okay?" Baekhyun asks once Yixing's finally stopped.

"Yeah, yeah. It's just a cough I think it’s from allergies or something. I've had it for a few weeks now." Baekhyun nods and pulls him along to class by his elbow, complaining about how his coughing fit is going to make them late, making Yixing rolls his eyes. He's never not late when he's with Baekhyun, but he stays quiet and lets the younger drag him along.

 

"Anyway, as I was saying, he looks all serious and kind of grouchy all the time, but he's really actually funny and nice, I swear," Baekhyun starts up as soon as the professor dismisses the lecture. He's shoving his belongings haphazardly into his bag and Yixing fights the urge to scold him.

"He sounds kind of, I don't know. Your polar opposite." Yixing cards his fingers through his hair and pulls a cap on over his head as they walk out of the lecture hall to the sun sitting low in the sky.

"Were you even listening, Yixing?" Baekhyun huffs and bumps his shoulder into Yixing's. "I said he was funny and nice. Multiple times."

"Of course, I was listening, I heard that. What I'm saying is on the outside he's your polar opposite. You're all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine."

Yixing hears Baekhyun snort and he knows his friend is rolling his eyes next to him.

"You think he's the one?" Yixing asks after a bit and Baekhyun hums to himself, contemplating. He's kicking a rock in front of them as they walk, like he used to when they were younger.

Old habits die hard, Yixing supposes, like being in love with your best friend.

"Maybe, I guess I'm not really sure."

Yixing's heart beats a little harder at Baekhyun's confession, Baekhyun is never not sure. Especially when it comes to love. Unlike Yixing who was convinced he didn't like guys for a good 6 years and the first time he kissed a girl he choked, literally. Needless to say, the girl ran out of the room never to speak to him again and Yixing called his best friend, hot tears running down his face. Ten minutes later Baekhyun was climbing through Yixing’s window and pulling him onto his bed, wiping away his tears.

 

_"Hey, you're okay, Xing," Baekhyun whispered and ran his thumb over the shell of Yixing's ear. Yixing had felt hot all over and his cheeks were tear streaked. He had whimpered slightly and hid his face in Baekhyun's chest not wanting to admit to himself that he liked boys, that he was abnormal and made wrong somewhere along the line._

_"Baek, what am I gonna do," Yixing sniffled and wiped the back of his hands over his eyes. Baekhyun stayed quiet, seemingly not sure what to say for the first time in his life. Yixing felt Baekhyun's heart thump in his chest and it helped ground him just a little bit._

_"I'm gay," Baekhyun mumbled and Yixing had pulled back to look at his face. There were tears on his cheeks, just like Yixing's._

_"Baekhyun..." Yixing trailed off and Baekhyun sat up._

_"But I'm not fucked up because I like guys. I'm not any different, I'm still Byun Baekhyun."_

_Yixing had stared at him, speechless, gears turning in his head finally connecting all the pieces. Baekhyun wasn't any different to him, he was still Yixing's best friend. And maybe that meant Yixing wasn't any different, either._

_"A-and if you're going to stop being friends with me because of that, because you're scared and can't admit it to yourself or your best friend then I guess I should go," Baekhyun continued when Yixing had kept quiet. The younger went to stand up but Yixing had grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down. He couldn't lose his best friend._

_"I," Yixing had gulped blinking hard. "I am too. I'm gay, too."_

_Blood had been rushing in Yixing's ears and he had barely heard his own confession. Sixteen was the year he told his best friend he was gay. His chest had felt heavy and light all at the same time. He was confused and scared and happy._

_"Kiss me."_

_It had fallen out of Yixing's mouth before he could stop it; before he could process what he had said._

_"Okay."_

_Baekhyun had leaned forward, neither of them sure where to put their hands, both of their breathing way too labored to be normal. Baekhyun’s nose had pressed against Yixing's, he had forgotten to turn his head, and their lips met. Yixing's had been chapped from crying, but Baekhyun's were soft and gentle. Yixing had started crying again._

_They never kissed again after that, because Baekhyun had said it was only to make sure they both were. Yixing had nodded and agreed because he was still scared, and he couldn't tell the difference between loving his best friend as just a friend or having a crush on him any longer._

 

"I'm sure that won't last too long," Yixing smiles and nudges Baekhyun with his elbow. Baekhyun smiles and laughs, shaking his head.

"You're probably right."

"I always am," Yixing winks and Baekhyun fake gags as Yixing unlocks his apartment door. Yixing rolls his eyes for the millionth time that day and follows his friend into his home. Baekhyun makes himself at home immediately, kicking off his shoes at the door and flopping himself down on the futon with a dull thud. Yixing winces a little, waiting for the bottom of it to finally break out. It doesn't though, and he says a silent prayer.

"Yah, be careful when you sit down! That thing's like a hundred years old!" Yixing shoos away Baekhyun's feet that rest on his coffee table.

"You shouldn't strain it so much when you have your fuck buddies over, Xing. It wouldn't be in half as bad as shape as it is," Baekhyun quips and Yixing's ears heat up as he grumbles and walks to the kitchen to grab two bottles of soju for them both. He had to try and get over Baekhyun somehow. It was a onetime thing, but it didn’t seem to work.

"Shut up, you ass," Yixing mutters as he passes Baekhyun's bottle to him. Baekhyun shakes his head and smiles gently. Yixing frowns, Baekhyun never turns down soju despite his crappy tolerance. "Sorry, I have my first date with Sehun tonight, I don't really want to leave a bad impression by showing up shit faced."

Yixing nods and looks away, his throat constricting, begging to make him cough. He sets the extra bottle of soju on the coffee table and slumps back.

"It’s your loss. Just means there’s more for me."

Baekhyun props his feet back up on the coffee table and switches on the TV. Some drama starts playing but Yixing could really care less. He brings the bottle to his lips again and again, while he pretends to watch the show that Baekhyun seems so interested in. He's not though. He's listening to Baekhyun's laughs and his huffs at the show in favor. It's cute, Yixing thinks, that Baekhyun gets so invested into menial things like this. He gets so frustrated that he yells at the characters telling them to not fall in love with the lead male because he's garbage like they can hear him through the screen, like it's not just a show.

The episode ends after some time and Baekhyun stretches out next to Yixing, looking alarmingly like a puppy, and stands up. Yixing's well over halfway into his bottle of soju and his fingertips are tingling, begging him to reach out and grab Baekhyun, to make him stay, to make him fall in love. Yixing restrains himself though and takes a long drawl from the glass bottle.

"See you tomorrow, I'll have pain killers for you and probably some breakfast," Baekhyun smiles as he grabs his bag off Yixing's floor and slips on his shoes. Yixing is Baekhyun's hyung, he should be the one taking care of a hungover Baekhyun, not the other way around. Yixing inwardly groans at the thought.

"Have fun on your date, Baekhyunnie," Yixing forces a soft smile. It gets harder to fake it when he's drunk. "Try not to elope. I'd like to be at the wedding."

Baekhyun laughs and shakes his head with a promise not to elope. Yixing's gut twists in eighty different directions, but he waves a goodbye and pockets a cheeky kiss blown from Baekhyun as he walks out of the apartment.

The door clicks shut and the lock slides into place. Yixing slumps back into the couch and buries his face in his hands. He is hopeless.

More soju, more. More. More. Three bottles and Yixing can't see straight.

"Baekhyun-ah," Yixing lulls and spreads himself out on the couch. Somehow his pants have come off and the TV has been switched to some awful movie from the sixties. "Baekhyun-ah I love you, why don't you love me?"

Yixing grabs his phone from the table and pulls up his messages with the younger man and stares at the bright screen, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard.

 

**To: Baekhyunnie~**

**Baekhyunnie I love you~~~**

**Thank you I love you**

**Baekhyunnie I'm in love with you**

**Be safe please I love you~**

 

Yixing types out one message after another, only to delete them immediately. He will never be _that_ drunk. He exits out of the conversation with Baekhyun before he accidentally says something he'll regret in the morning and tosses his phone to the side.

He rubs his hands on his face and decides now is probably a good time to stop drinking. He can't even bring himself to get up off the couch to go to his room, so Yixing accepts his fate of sleeping on his lumpy futon.

 

Yixing wakes up the next morning, sun pouring into his apartment through his open blinds right in his eyes, his head is near implosion and his stomach is too heavy. He wants to turn over and go back to sleep. He smells something cooking, but he can't tell if it's even in his apartment. He's even dreaming about food.

Burning?

 ** _BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP_**.

"No! No, no, no! Shut up!" A screech fills Yixing's ears. Everything is way too loud. "Shut the fuck up! You're going to wake up Yixing, you stupid piece of fucking-"

 ** _BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP_**.

Yixing groans and pulls the blanket over his head in effort to block out the noise. When did he get a blanket?

Okay, definitely burning.

**_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._ **

"Will you fucking die, you piece of shit!" The person refuses to stop yelling, Yixing's nose is being assaulted by disgusting fumes of something definitely burning in his home, why couldn't he be dead instead?

**_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._ **

Yixing rolls off his couch and lands with a dull thud on the floor and he lets out a pained groan. This is not what he wanted at this ungodly hour. Death definitely sounds way better. He rubs his hands over his eyes and when he finally pries them open he's greeted with a smoke-filled kitchen. Death, please.

**_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._ **

A crash, that sounds way too loud to be anything good.

**_BEEP. BEEP._ **

"SHUT UP. OH, MY GOD."

Another crash, and at this point Yixing had lost all will to even move from where he's standing, half clothed, in the middle of his apartment.

**_BEEP. BEEP. BEE-_ **

"Jesus fuck."

A moment of silence.

"Aww, I burned the food."

Yixing can't do anything but laugh at this point, now that he realizes that it's Baekhyun in his kitchen completely destroying everything. Baekhyun peeks his head out from the smoke-filled room, a shy smile on his lips. The one that only shows when he knows he messed up.

"Oh, good morning. Hope I–" Baekhyun coughs a little, waving his hand in front of his face. "Hope I didn't wake you."

"Why are you trying to burn down the apartment building and kill us all?"

Baekhyun scratches the back of his head and turns away from Yixing, concealing himself in the smoke-filled room, like he's trying to hide from being scolded. Like Yixing could ever scold him.

He reappears a few moments later with the same small smile and Yixing wants to punch himself for being fond of someone who could have burned down the building. But he really can't help it and he can't help the smile that forms on his lips as Baekhyun opens the windows in his apartment to air it out.

"Well, since I burned the food do you want to go to the cafe? My treat?" Baekhyun looks at Yixing with hopeful eyes and Yixing can only sigh softly, not even able to be upset with his best friend. He's in way too deep.

"Your treat for the next three times," Yixing smiles and nudges Baekhyun with his elbow and Baekhyun chuckles, pulling Yixing into his side, his arm wrapped around Yixing’s waist.

"It's only fair, considering."

"Considering we could've died, and I'm still horribly hung over and I'm holding a coherent conversation for the sake of... Whatever."

Baekhyun laughs loudly then, his eyes turning up into crescents and Yixing is so screwed. Yixing gets cleaned up and they head to the café for a pick-me-up that Yixing truly deserves.  

Yixing complains about the sun and Baekhyun lends him a pair of sunglasses that probably look ridiculous on him, but it's preventing a worsening headache, so it’ll have to do for today. He walks side by side with Baekhyun to the small corner cafe and Baekhyun orders them both drinks, an Americano for Yixing and a hot chocolate for himself.

Always a kid at heart, Yixing thinks to himself and smiles when Baekhyun gets foam on his upper lip and he looks how he did when they were fifteen, like nothing has changed since then. Yixing is disgustingly fond, and he's in his own little world, an impenetrable bubble, with his best friend listening him to ramble on about nothing.

"Sehunnie?" Baekhyun's voice cuts into Yixing's thoughts, making him look behind him where Baekhyun is looking over his shoulder. Yixing's bubble is popped, but that's okay because Baekhyun isn't his and that's just how it is. He looks back down at his coffee, distracting himself with the curls of steam rising off it. It's pretty, but then it's gone like it never even existed in the first place. Yixing kind of wishes that's how his feelings worked, but they're there, plaguing his mind at the most inconvenient of times.

It’s always been like this, though. Yixing is used to taking the back burner in these situations and pretending like it doesn’t hurt. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. It’s gone on for so long he doesn’t know if he remembers what it’s like to be the forefront of Baekhyun’s attention for long periods of time.

"Baekhyunnie hyung!" Yixing hears the voice that must belong to Sehun call out. Baekhyun stands up and pulls him into a hug, and Yixing pretends he doesn't see the way Sehun's hand lingers on the small of Baekhyun's back or how Baekhyun whispers something into Sehun's ear as he tiptoes next to him. Yixing just pretends.

"This is Yixing hyung," Baekhyun motions over to Yixing who looks up, a tight-lipped smile on his face not even letting his dimple show and bows in his seat the best he can. Baekhyun doesn't notice.

"Yixing? Chinese?"

"Ah, yes! He's the one who's been teaching me!" Baekhyun smiles brightly and Sehun's face stays that neutral blank. Yixing doesn't like it. "Or well, trying to teach me."

"I've been learning some Chinese as well, though my pronunciation is a bit off," Sehun says in a bit muddled Mandarin and Yixing raises his eyebrows.

"It's not bad, just keep practicing," Yixing smiles again speaking half the sentence in Mandarin and the other in Korean and Baekhyun laughs.

"He tells me that all the time, but I can never remember anything except ‘thank you’." Baekhyun's eyes are sparkling and Yixing knows it's not because of him, but because he's looking at Sehun with the utmost amazement in his eyes. Yixing's throat constricts and he coughs loudly into his hand. Baekhyun stops in the middle of his conversation with Sehun to send Yixing a worried look. Yixing only shakes his head and excuses himself to the bathroom.

Yixing locks the door behind him and uncurls his fist and a small purple petal falls from his hand into the sink. It's covered in his saliva and he doesn't know what the hell it means. He turns on the faucet and lets the water wash the petal down the drain, swirling and dancing in the water, like it's supposed to be beautiful. Yixing splashes water on his face and dries it off with a disposable paper towel.

His chest feels a different kind of heavy as he walks out of the bathroom and back to the booth where he and Baekhyun were sat. Baekhyun's waiting for him, alone thankfully, and all smiles as Yixing sits back down in front of him.

"You okay, hyung?" Baekhyun asks over his now lukewarm hot chocolate and Yixing nods.

"I'm okay, just those allergies, you know?"

Baekhyun seems to brighten even more now that he knows he doesn’t have to worry about Yixing and he takes a sip of his drink.

"I'm glad you're okay. Maybe you should get some medicine for your allergies, though. Your cough sounded pretty bad."

Yixing just waves his hand in dismissal and there's a tugging in his chest, but he ignores it. He'll deal with it later. Yixing changes the subject asking if they can eat their breakfast because Baekhyun had already smoked out his entire apartment and he's still hungover. Baekhyun laughs, lighting up the room, and Yixing is blinded by it.

They eat and talk, well mostly Baekhyun talks, Yixing stays quiet in fear of petals falling from his mouth. He doesn’t even know if that will happen, but he doesn’t risk it. Baekhyun rambles on about his insane professors who are more like angry old people out to spite their generation with essays and lab reports, complains about his anatomy class, saying the animals deserve a better afterlife than having a bunch of uni students cut them open for the sake of science. Yixing laughs at Baekhyun's descriptions and he feels light, kind of like he's floating. He's so happy in this moment.

Baekhyun asks about Yixing's classes, about how his song writing is going, and he feels sheepish when he tells Baekhyun that he's been getting a lot of praise from his professors, but Baekhyun congratulates him earnestly, just like he always does.

"You're like a genius, hyung," Baekhyun says around a mouth full of eggs and Yixing frowns at his table manners.

"Stop talking with your mouth full, Baekhyunnie," Yixing reprimands and Baekhyun smiles at him with a closed mouth, cheeks full of food. "And I'm not a genius, I can't even read sheet music."

"Isn't that what makes you one though? Like you can learn a whole song without even reading the music for it," Baekhyun points at him with his chopsticks and twirls them in the air a little. "Don't downplay your talents, Xingie. You're a prodigy."

"Baekhyun-ah, now you're just throwing around words," Yixing chuckles and swats at Baekhyun's chopsticks with his own. "You're too much sometimes."

"But you love me." Baekhyun frames his face with his hands and bats his eyelashes. He tilts his head to the side a little, looking like a puppy. He has egg on his chin. Yixing's heart thumps in his chest a little too roughly.

"I just lost my appetite watching you do that. You’re so gross, Baekhyun," Yixing smiles and Baekhyun laughs, pushing around the remainder of his food.

"But it works on you." Baekhyun sets down his chopsticks on his plate and stretches his hands up in the air, as he yawns loudly. Yixing looks out the window instead. Clouds have gathered in the sky, dark and filled with rain. It makes everything look gloomy outside, even before the downpour starts. A vivid contrast to inside the cafe. It's dim in here, but Baekhyun, he fills up every empty space with his loud laughter and he radiates with something that's better than sunshine, that warms Yixing from the inside out and not the other way around. The younger man seems to carry around a light inside him that will never be extinguished, not even by the darkest of days.

 

"Yixing, I miss you," Baekhyun whines as he pulls out a chair next to Yixing in the library, his voice pulling glares from the other students sitting in the otherwise quiet space. It's been three weeks since Baekhyun smoked out Yixing's apartment. His kitchen still vaguely smells like the burnt food and he's still finding bits of glass from a bowl Baekhyun accidentally broke.

"Shh, Baekhyun," Yixing puts his finger up to his lips before going back to his book, writing down notes as he goes. "I'm always right here, you know that."

"Aish, stop being gross." Baekhyun shoves Yixing's shoulder lightly making the older roll his eyes at him. "You've been so busy with work and uni, I've hardly even seen you."

Yixing sighs softly and looks up at Baekhyun who has his chin propped up by his elbow resting on the table, giving Yixing these dumb, hurt puppy eyes. It's not entirely a lie, Yixing has been picking up extra shifts at the diner he works at to avoid empty apartments, because Baekhyun has been busy with Sehun the past month and a half. His shiny new boyfriend, that Yixing isn't bitter over at all. No, he's happy for his best friend.

"Midterms are starting soon," Yixing runs his fingers through his hair and Baekhyun sprawls out on the table, looking exasperated. "And you've been busy too."

Baekhyun pouts up at him, letting out a soft whine. Yixing half expects him to start stomping his feet and flailing his arms like a little kid. He laughs softly and pulls on Baekhyun's ear gently, Baekhyun swats away Yixing's hand.

"How about we go to the arcade," Baekhyun raises his eyebrows at Yixing, grinning childishly, and Yixing makes a face at him.

"Aren't we a little too old, Baekhyun-ah?" He looks away from the pleading look Baekhyun is giving him because he knows it'll make him cave. "And midterms, remember?"

"No, we're not too old, thank you. I went there like last week while you were working because I was bored," Baekhyun huffs matter-of-factly and Yixing frowns a little bit, he didn't mean for Baekhyun to be left alone, he just didn't want to be alone himself. "And midterms are in like two months."

"Two months too soon," Yixing grumbles into his hands that are covering his face, he peeks between his fingers at his best friend who looks a little too expectant.

"So that's a yes to the arcade?" Baekhyun moves his chair closer to Yixing to rest head on the older's shoulder. He bats his eyes up at Yixing who slumps back in his chair with a muffled groan. Baekhyun breaks into a grin and stands up gathering his bag from the floor and throwing it over his shoulders. "Great! See you there tonight at eight! Don't be late!"

Yixing sits up and almost knocking his books to the floor. "Tonight?! Baekhyun where are you going!" He half shouts toward the direction of where Baekhyun practically skipped off to, and Yixing swears he can hear Baekhyun's giggle ringing in his ears. He never even said yes, but Baekhyun took it and ran with it, quite literally. He gets kicked out of the library for the night for being too loud, anyway, and Yixing knows Baekhyun did it on purpose.

Yixing being Yixing, shows up early outside the arcade, his hands are shoved into his pockets as he rocks back on his heels, waiting for Baekhyun. His chest has been hurting exceptionally, lately. He doesn't really have time to get sick with midterms around the corner, it would be his luck. Swarms of little kids run around Yixing, most of them barely coming up to his chest, and there's the sound of a child crying in the distance. Yixing never understood why Baekhyun loved coming here so much, at least not now. When they were younger, it was a different story, all the loud noises and bright flashing lights drew even young quiet Yixing in. Or maybe it had been Baekhyun's tight grip around his wrist dragging him in against his will.

 

_"Yixing hyung, you'll love it!" Baekhyun had looked at Yixing with round eyes and a pout that could put hundreds of toddlers to shame. "C'mon, please? Just this once?"_

_Yixing furrowed his eyebrows and gave Baekhyun a concerned look. He hadn't been sure, he hadn't been very fond of loud places, he preferred their secret hideout._

_"I don't know Baekhyun... Can't we go the fort instead?"_

_"No! We always go there! And plus, Grandmother gave me some money for both of us!" Baekhyun had whined but dug into the pocket of his shorts to pull out a few notes and some coins. Yixing had nearly gaped at the money, it was so much for an arcade._

_"Okay... Just this once. But we can't spend all of the money at one game, Baekhyunnie," Yixing raised his eyebrows at his friend who had been clapping and nodding._

_"Of course, hyung! Thank you!" Baekhyun plowed into Yixing with a bone crushing hug and a laugh that rang over the sound of all the other children. "This totally means we're best friends now, Yixing hyung!"_

_"Ah?" Yixing looked at Baekhyun with wide eyes to match Baekhyun's wide smile. Yixing had never had a best friend before. Baekhyun never said anything else about it, instead he grabbed Yixing by his wrist and pulled the older into the building packed with children around their age and older. Yixing followed Baekhyun the best he could, stumbling over his feet as his friend–his best friend ran too fast from one game to the next. Yixing was more focused on the gleam in Baekhyun's eyes than the prizes they could've won._

 

"Yixing hyung, you're early," Baekhyun laughs as he throws his arm around Yixing's shoulder. He's a little too short for it to be that comfortable, and Yixing glances down to see Baekhyun almost walking on his toes. "I figured I'd have to drag you from your apartment away from all those text books."

"Baekhyunnie you're so short," Yixing giggles behind his hand and Baekhyun huffs shoving Yixing away from his side. The older does his best impression of the Baekhyun Face, and he earns a roll of Baekhyun's eyes.

"You're so mean to me, shut up," Baekhyun crosses his arms over his chest, trying his best to sulk. Yixing laughs again and throws his arm around Baekhyun's shoulders instead.

"You love me."

"Yeah, whatever," the younger grumbles, but still rests his head on Yixing's shoulder as they walk into the arcade. Yixing knows that spending time with Baekhyun will make up for the headache he'll inevitably have at the end of the night, and god knows when that will be.

The noise amplifies in the enclosed space and Yixing grumbles to himself. Baekhyun calls him a grandpa as they change their money into tokens for the games. Yixing trails along behind Baekhyun, narrowly avoiding children running around him with open containers of soda. He doesn't ever remember being that careless when he was that age.

"Bet you can't beat me at Dance Dance Revolution," Baekhyun glances up at Yixing with a glint in his eye that reminds Yixing of when they were younger.

"Baekhyun, I always kicked your ass at that game," Yixing bites back playfully and a smile lights up Baekhyun's face.

"Oh, you're so on, hyung."

In fact, Yixing does beat Baekhyun. Four times in a row, not that Yixing is counting, or anything.

"This is so rigged, I think one of my arrows is broken," Baekhyun complains, out of breath and Yixing rolls his eyes.

"Baek, we switched to a different one after the second round because you said the same thing," Yixing laughs and nudges Baekhyun with his elbow when Baekhyun crosses his arms over his chest and huffs. "Aw don't be a grouch, this was predestined. I will always beat you at Dance Dance Revolution. It's how it's supposed to be."

"Aish! Shut up!" Baekhyun shouts and swats at Yixing who's doubled over laughing, trying to dodge Baekhyun's hands. Yixing feels so light, like he's floating above everything else, and he's happy. His cheeks hurt from laughing and he can't seem to catch his breath in the best way. Yixing loves his best friend so much, and he wishes that he could freeze time so he could stay in this moment forever. Baekhyun's laughter is filling his ears over the sound of the music and the white noise of the other games.

"Baekhyunnie, who are you attacking? Ew, why are you all sweaty?"

Baekhyun's hands stop whacking at Yixing's arms and Yixing looks over to see Baekhyun jumping off the game counsel and burying his face in Sehun's chest in a tight hug, a grin plastered on his face. Yixing watches as Baekhyun tiptoes to kiss Sehun on the chin, he's so much taller, and Sehun's hands are resting low on Baekhyun's hips. Yixing looks away and rubs the back of his neck, his cheeks burning.

"You made it!" Baekhyun chirps and Yixing can hear his smile. Paradise is only for dreaming, Yixing supposes.

"Of course, I did," Sehun rubs his hand on Baekhyun's back as he looks over the smaller man's shoulder towards where Yixing has shrunk into the shadows. "Hey, Yixing-ssi."

Yixing offers a weak hello and a small smile, it's really the best he can muster right now. Yixing pulls his lips into his mouth and tries to act like he's not feeling awkward. Yixing was never the best actor.

"Ah, hyung. I hope you don't mind," Baekhyun smiles, oblivious to the obvious. "Sehunnie said he was free and I thought this would be a good time for you guys to bond. My two favorite people should be friends, after all."

Baekhyun is so genuine that it hurts Yixing down to his toes. He means every word he's saying and Yixing can't hold this against him. He worries his bottom lip before smiling and nodding at his best friend and Sehun.

"Of course, Baekhyunnie. It only makes sense," Yixing wants to reach out and touch Baekhyun like he normally would, but he stuffs his hands in his pockets instead.

"Oh! Perfect!" Baekhyun looks up at Sehun, eyes gleaming. "Bet I can beat you in Dance Dance Revolution."

Yixing smiles as he drops his head, shifting on his feet. His chest is weighing heavy down on him, and he feels far too hot.

"Dance Dance what?" Sehun sends Baekhyun a confused look, who audibly gasps and backs away from Sehun.

"You don't know what Dance Dance Revolution is?"

"No...?" Sehun looks to Yixing for help, but Yixing merely shrugs and smiles at the tall boy.

"Baekhyunnie, maybe you can beat him. Use it to your advantage," Yixing offers and Baekhyun turns to look at Yixing, his face almost looking surprised at Yixing's suggestion, he grins instead.

"Aish, kids these days are missing out on all the fun. Step up here, Sehun-ah," Baekhyun ushers Sehun onto the flashing platform and slides tokens into the machine before it lights up, music blaring from the speakers. The automated announcer calls out the name of the game as Baekhyun barely brushes over how Sehun is supposed to play. Yixing excuses himself to the bathroom, neither of them notice.

Yixing fetches the bathroom key from an extremely bored and pissed off teenager sitting behind a prizes counter. He's just grateful it's not a community bathroom, so he can have some privacy. As the bathroom door clicks shut, Yixing turns on the faucets and stares at his obscured reflection in the dirty mirror. It happens too suddenly, too fast. His stomach is catapulting itself into his throat and he's convulsing over the sink. Yixing can't seem to catch his breath before another retch shakes his body, his knuckles white against the sink. He coughs, spitting out velvety petals into the sink.

His eyes are watery when he opens them and the messy purple petals glaring back at him are the last thing he wanted to see. He'd rather have vomit, because at least then he'd know what it was. Yixing crouches down, his hands still resting on the top of the sink, as he presses his forehead to the porcelain front, in attempt to cool himself down. He chuckles to himself, giving up, giving in, and stands back up collecting the soaked petals after he shuts off the water. Yixing discards them in the toilet, he doesn't really know the rules on flushing flower petals, but this will probably be the prettiest thing the toilet will ever see. He considers it a favor, to the toilet gods, or whatever.

Yixing returns to Baekhyun and Sehun, who can't seem to stop touching each other, and he kind of wants to go back to the bathroom for completely different reasons.

"Yah, hyung what took you so long?" Baekhyun pouts and Yixing laughs at him gently, feeling a bit exhausted.

"Sorry, had to make sure I looked hot for my date," Yixing tries to joke, but the look Baekhyun gives him throws him off guard. Like he's worried, or angry. Yixing can't really place it. "I'm kidding, Baekhyun. I don't have a date tonight. I'm fully committed to you."

That's not a lie. Baekhyun just doesn't catch the double meaning. Baekhyun rolls his eyes and looks up at Sehun who looks utterly bored, but Baekhyun is smiling at him all the same.

"Sehunnie and I are hungry," Baekhyun pats Sehun's broad chest. "Pizza?"

Yixing wants to say no, he wants to say no so bad and just go home and lay in his bed and forget about the second half of this night.

"Pizza sounds great." Yixing smiles at Baekhyun. "You're buying."

Baekhyun begins to argue before Yixing kindly reminds him about the breakfast incident and Baekhyun relents, with slouched shoulders and a pout that Yixing is not falling for. Yixing trails along behind Baekhyun and Sehun, who seem to be in their own little world before Baekhyun pulls Yixing up right next to him, bragging about how he totally kicked Sehun's ass in Dance Dance Revolution. Yixing doesn't mean to get joy out of Sehun's embarrassment, it's an accident really, but he can't help but laugh and congratulate Baekhyun on his first victory.

 

Baekhyun hasn't picked up his phone in a week. Yixing wants to be worried about it, but he knows that it's because he's with Sehun, or because he's been cramming in last minute studying for midterms, not because he's in grave danger or anything like that. Yixing's been trying to write a song and nothing's flowing the way it should, he's scrapping everything as soon as it's been written down in his own version of sheet music that no one else could ever seem to understand. The melody sounds all wrong, the chord progressions sound hideous, his voice is all scratchy, everything is just wrong.

The bucket of petals by his bed is what's the most wrong, though.

He's been putting off searching why he's coughing up flower petals, but it's gotten worse. It's the reason for half of Yixing's problems at the moment, so he gives in.

 

"The fuck is that?" Zhixiang mutters over a bowl of ramen, stuffing the noodles in his mouth like he hasn't eaten in a week. Yixing watches his friend with a wrinkled nose at the mess he's making.

"Basically, I'm going to die, can you not be so disgusting," Yixing sighs softly and hands him a napkin, because he desperately needs it.

Zhixiang looks up at him through is absurdly thick lashes and wipes his mouth waving his hand as an apology. Sometimes Yixing doesn't know why so many people fawn over him.

"Sorry, sorry. Explain what it is?"

"Hanahaki Disease," Yixing doesn't really feel like eating. "Basically, a flower, or several most likely, are growing in my lungs. It's– It's from one sided love. My body is forcing the flowers out of me by coughing them up, sometimes throwing them up too, from when I swallow petals."

Yixing shrugs and looks away, not paying attention to the way his voice is wavering.

"I... Is there a cure?" Zhixiang has put down his chopsticks now, completely ignoring his ramen. It'll go cold soon.

"Have the person love me back. If not, I die, I guess. I'll suffocate because the flowers will be blocking my airways, I'll just suffocate and die."

It's quiet at their table in the back of the restaurant they're at. Yixing didn't want to do this in public but Zhixiang insisted. He looks out the window they're sitting at, it's too happy outside. The sun is shining too brightly to be talking about Yixing dying. He knows his friend doesn't know what to say. What to do. But Yixing had to tell someone. And he couldn't tell Baekhyun, for obvious reasons.

"Who– who is it?" Zhixiang rubs at the back of his neck, and Yixing belatedly feels bad. Zhixiang is an adult, he doesn't need to be dealing with Yixing's love problems, even if they will probably lead to his eventual death. "It's that Byun kid isn't it."

It's a lot less of a question and more of a statement. Yixing had never told his friend his preferences, in fear of the obvious. Yixing looks at Zhixiang, his eyes a bit wide with surprise.

"Ah, kid, don't give me that look. I've known for so long, I don't know why you didn't ever tell me. It's not like I have any problem with you liking guys." A small comforting smile turns the corners of Zhixiang's mouth up and Yixing relaxes his shoulders a bit. "You've been smitten over that siren of a boy for as long as I've known you. People who can't see that are probably blind."

"Guess Baekhyun needs a seeing eye dog," Yixing weakly chuckles. His heart feels a little broken. Yixing's taken to tearing his napkin into tiny bits, ever since he looked up what was wrong with him he hasn't been able to focus on anything but small meaningless things.

"So," Zhixiang says after a while, there's no more steam rising from their ramen and their tea has gone cold, Yixing feels cold too. "What are you gonna do?"

Yixing laughs bitterly and throws his hands in the air halfheartedly. "What can I do? We've been best friends for years, he doesn't think of me like that."

"There has to be another way."

"I can get the flowers removed, but I'll forget. I'll forget what it was like to love him, and I don't think I want that." Yixing runs his fingers through his hair and tugs at it. Baekhyun would tell him he needs a haircut.

"You'd rather die?" Zhixiang raises his eyebrows at Yixing, like he's testing him. Like he's trying to figure out if Yixing is actually sane. Yixing doesn't think he is, really.

"I guess so."

Zhixiang goes to speak again but Yixing's phone starts buzzing on the table next to him, cutting the older man off. Yixing frowns at his phone as he picks it up, it's Baekhyun's neighbor, Heechul. They had exchanged numbers when Heechul had dragged a wasted Baekhyun home from a club and the only thing Baekhyun could say coherently was Yixing.

 

_Yixing stirred in his bed, too warm under his covers, but that wasn't what had woken him. He grumbled as his phone rang on the night table next to his bed again and he reached out to grab it. The screen blinded him as he tried to read the caller ID._

**_Baekhyunnie~_ **

_He sat up slowly and drug his finger across the screen to answer the call._

_"Hello? Oh god, did someone pick up?" An unfamiliar voice on the other end of the line sighed out, sounding relieved._

_"Hello?"_

_"Is this Yixing-ssi? Ah, please tell me it is."_

_Somewhere in the background of the call Yixing could hear what sounded like Baekhyun singing 'my Xingie, my best friend Xingie~.'_

_"Yeah, who's this? Is Baekhyun okay?" Yixing rubbed at his eyes, more awake than he wanted to be at four in the morning._

_"He's... He's fine." Some shuffling. "Baekhyun stop, let go of my leg." A far away grunt and a soft thud._

_"Ow! Heechul, my ass hurts!"_

_"Hello?" Yixing didn't know what was going on._

_"Sorry, he's a bit drunk. And clingy. I'm Kim Heechul, Baekhyunnie's neighbor." Heechul sounded exasperated and frustrated, but like he didn't want to lose his temper at the same time._

_Yixing didn't really know why he had been called._

_"Okay..."_

_"Sorry, uh, Baekhyun seems to have lost his keys? Or something, I can't really understand him, but he told me to call you and... Could you come get him?"_

_Yixing exhaled through his nose and stood up pulling on a jacket and a pair of sweats. He didn't have much of a choice._

_"Yeah, I'll be there in a bit."_

_"Thank you, really. Sorry for waking you, you probably have classes in the morning." Heechul sounded like he was struggling, Baekhyun was probably attaching himself to Heechul like a koala._

_"It's no big deal."_

_Yixing yawned after he hung up and shuffled out of his apartment, his shoes only half on. He knew that if Baekhyun was coherent enough that he would shake his head at Yixing disapprovingly telling him that he would ruin his shoes that way._

 

"Hyung?" Yixing's eyebrows pulled together as he watched Zhixiang play with his food.

"Yixing, there's something wrong with Baekhyun," Heechul sounds too distressed for Yixing's liking and before he can even explain to Zhixiang what's happening he's gathering his coat and leaving money for the food he never had any intention of touching. Zhixiang is only staring up at him, a perplexed look on his face.

"I'll be right there."

"Yixing is everything okay?" Zhixiang is standing up now, trying to get Yixing's attention.

"Zhixiang, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. Baekhyun... There's something wrong," Yixing gives Zhixiang an apologetic look and promises that he'll call later. The older only nods and sits back down on his cushion, letting Yixing leave. Yixing wants to think it's because Zhixiang understands, he knows that's not the case.

Buses take too long, cabs are too expensive, Yixing doesn't have any choice but to run. So, he does, even though he's never been much of a runner. Halfway there his lungs are burning something fierce and he has to stop and cough. Purple petals fall from his mouth into his shaking hands, and he feels like collapsing because everything is just getting to be too much. Yixing's never been one to give up though, so he shoves the petals into the nearest trash can and keeps running. He doesn't stop until he gets to Baekhyun's door of his apartment. It's swung wide open and he can hear someone inside talking, then yelling. A crash not long after.

"Leave me alone, Heechul!" Baekhyun yells from inside and Yixing walks in the door to find Baekhyun off to the left, in the kitchen, with Heechul standing not too far from him.

"Baekhyun, you're not thinking–" Heechul starts but he's cut off by the glare Baekhyun shoots him. 

From where Yixing stands he can see Baekhyun's eyes are glassy, like he wants to cry but he won't let the tears fall. Yixing's gut twists at the sight.

"Baekhyun?" Yixing says when there's silence in the room. Baekhyun's eyes move passed Heechul's to meet with Yixing's. "What's wrong?"

Yixing's question sends Baekhyun tumbling over the edge and he lets the tears fall from his eyes as he grabs a glass from the sink and throws it across the room, Heechul ducks and covers his head as it breaks through the plaster of the wall. Baekhyun's shoulders are shaking and Yixing takes tentative steps towards him, glass crunching under his shoes.

"Baekhyunnie, don't break your things," Yixing reaches out to touch Baekhyun's shoulder, who flinches away. Yixing has to remind himself that it's not because it's him, but because Baekhyun doesn't like to be touched when he's upset, that he'd rather curl up in a shell until he's worked it out himself. That he only lets people in when he's ready.

"I hate him, Yixing," Baekhyun says lowly and pulls in a shaky breath. "I hate him so fucking much."

Yixing watches Baekhyun grab a plate from his sink and his knuckles turn white from the amount of pressure he's putting on the ceramic. They're bloody, like he's punched a wall and there's shattered glass all around Baekhyun's feet, on his counter. Yixing is afraid to ask how long he's been like this.

"I know, Hyunnie," Yixing whispers instead of telling Baekhyun that he doesn't hate anyone. Without much warning Baekhyun takes the plate and throws it to the ground, making Heechul jump away out of the line of fire. Baekhyun's chest is heaving and the tears are rolling silently down his cheeks, streaking his skin with wet lines that he refuses to wipe away.

"What's he talking about?" Heechul whispers from behind Yixing and Yixing just shakes his head. Now's not the time to explain how Baekhyun deals with things, not when Yixing's known him for over ten years and can't really waste time explaining that winding road to someone that only sees the outside of Baekhyun.

"Baekhyun, stop and think about what you're doing."

Baekhyun hiccups slightly and looks around him at all the glass, at his bloodied knuckles, at the hole in the wall he made with the heavy glass. His knees buckle slowly and he sinks down to the floor, Yixing not far behind. Baekhyun covers his face with his hands and sobs into them, as Yixing pulls him into his chest, ignoring the glass shards digging into his knees through his jeans.

"I hate him," Baekhyun repeats between sharp intakes of air, Yixing hears the apartment door close as he rubs Baekhyun's back and nods.

"Let's get you in your bed, yeah?" Yixing coaxes Baekhyun up from the floor slowly and brushes off the shards of glass that have stuck to both of their pants. Baekhyun is taking in shuddering breaths as Yixing guides him to his room. Yixing hasn't seen him this upset since... "We can talk about it after you've slept, okay?"

Baekhyun nods as he sinks down into the mess of blankets and pillows on his bed and curls into a ball. Yixing pulls the covers up to his chin and runs his finger along the shell of Baekhyun's ear gently, he wants to believe that Baekhyun leaned into his touch.

"Don't leave," Baekhyun whispers as Yixing goes to clean up the mess in the kitchen. He looks at Baekhyun, who's looking up at him like he's never needed anything else in the world, so Yixing climbs into bed behind Baekhyun and pulls the younger man's back into his chest. Baekhyun rolls over to face Yixing's chest and sniffles.

"I won't go. I'm right here."

Baekhyun curls into Yixing's chest, his arms crossed over his own, but his face buried in the soft fabric of Yixing's shirt. Yixing rests his hand on the middle of Baekhyun's back, rubbing slow circles in attempt to get him to fall asleep. Baekhyun buries himself deeper into the covers and Yixing reaches up to brush the now soft pink bangs out of his eyes. He runs his thumb along the shell of Baekhyun's ear, making him shudder gently. Yixing feels the younger's breath ghosting on his neck and he flinches away slightly before he can think and Baekhyun stirs in his arms. He rolls over, away from Yixing, and curls into a ball with his eyebrows pulled together. Yixing is tempted to reach out and smooth the wrinkles away with his thumb, but he holds himself back.

He lifts himself from the bed gingerly, because although Baekhyun falls asleep quickly, he sleeps lightly. Yixing tiptoes from the room and shuts the door behind him, letting Baekhyun rest. Yixing steps around the broken glass to grab the broom and sweep up the mess, careful not to cut his feet on the shards, because that's really the last thing he needs. He makes quick work of it, sweeping the floor three times, just in case. Yixing starts tea on the stove and moves to the wall where the cup made a hole in the plaster. He sighs as he looks around for something to cover it up, it's the best he can do right now. Yixing ends up shuffling Baekhyun's mostly empty book case in front of it.

Just before the kettle whistles, Yixing takes it off the burner and pours himself a mug full of tea and settles into a chair at the counter. He stares into his tea and rubs his hands over his face. He doesn't know how he's going to hide the fact that he's dying from his best friend, but it's not like he can exactly tell Baekhyun. 'Oh hey, I'm dying and it's because you don't love me the way I love you. Want some pizza?' Or how he's supposed to tell his grandmother that he was dying or literally anyone for that matter. It's scary and Yixing doesn't have a soul to tell. He can't burden Zhixiang anymore with this mess, he has a life of his own, a job of his own, Yixing would never do that to him. Tears prick at the back of his eyes and he presses his palms against them to try and force the tears back. Yixing would never be able to cut Baekhyun out of his life, they've been best friends for far too long. It wouldn't only crush him, but Baekhyun, too. None of this was fair.

"Yixing?" Baekhyun calls from the doorway and Yixing looks over to his best friend, his faded pink hair sticking up on the sides and his eyes half lidded as he walks forward with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

"Hey," Yixing smiles softly and stands up, meeting Baekhyun half way and pulls him into a hug. "I made some tea; would you like some?"

Baekhyun nods into Yixing's chest but makes no move to let go of him. Yixing rubs his hand up and down Baekhyun's back slowly and rests his cheek on top of his head. They stand in the middle of the room like that for a while, swaying back and forth slowly. Yixing knows that Baekhyun will talk when he's ready, and he doesn't want to press, not this time. Not when he's like this, because Yixing knows all too well.

"Tea please?" Baekhyun mumbles into Yixing's chest, his breath warm and wet against his shirt. Baekhyun detaches himself from the older and Yixing holds him by his arms, looking at his friend and nods again with a small smile.

"Of course, go sit down, Baekhyunnie. I'll be right there." Yixing gently tugs on Baekhyun's ear, earning a smile and a hum as Baekhyun shuffles over to his couch and plops down against the arm rest, resting his head on the back of the furniture.

"Xingie," Baekhyun clears his throat, his voice rough from yelling. Yixing raises his eyebrows and turns to Baekhyun with two mugs of tea in his hands. "You always take such good care of me. You're such a good hyung."

Yixing laughs softly and hands Baekhyun his tea as he sits down next to the younger, careful not to spill on himself. Baekhyun gives him a grateful smile and takes a small sip of his drink, sighing afterwards.

"And you make the best tea. Seriously, it's no joke."

"You'll have to thank Grandmother when you see her next, it's all her teaching," Yixing smiles when he sees the corners of Baekhyun's lips turn up. At least he's trying.

"I'm already her favorite, I might actually replace you as her grandson." Baekhyun takes another sip of his tea before setting it down on the coffee table and settling back into his blanket. Yixing shakes his head a little with a hum, his lips to his mug as he watches Baekhyun yawn and rub at his eyes.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Baekhyun's voice is barely above a whisper and Yixing almost doesn't hear him. "I– didn't mean to blow up like that. It's just–"

Baekhyun sighs heavily through his nose, a deep frown settling on his face.

"You don't need to apologize to me. Heechul, maybe, but not me."

"He... I don't know. I hate him," Baekhyun sighs and picks at his fingers as a distraction.

"Baekhyun-ah, surely you don't."

"I really do." Baekhyun's jaw is set and Yixing only nods as a response, he doesn't want to push any more than necessary.

"I didn't pin him as the cheating type," Baekhyun chuckles dryly and Yixing looks over at his best friend with wide eyes. Cheating? "Guess it’s just my bad judge of character."

"You wouldn't have known. You couldn't have, Baek. Don't blame yourself for his mistake," Yixing frowns and shakes his head. He doesn't understand why Baekhyun would blame himself at all.

"You know, two days ago I got a new mole. I thought about telling Sehun, but then I thought maybe I should keep it to myself for a while, so I didn't scare him off. That should've been my first warning. My subconscious knew and yet."

Yixing sets down his mug and turns his body to face Baekhyun more.

"Am I stupid, Yixing? I mean for letting myself get so caught up in everything?" Baekhyun is wringing his hands in his lap, he's unsteady and Yixing wants to reach out and touch him to ground him, remind him that he's still there.

"No, I don't think so. It's just... Who you are. There's nothing wrong with that, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun sighs and slumps down further, almost completely hidden in the blanket. Yixing moves closer to him, so they're touching the best they can with the blanket between their bodies. He reaches around behind Baekhyun and places his hand on the nape of the younger's neck, running his fingers through the hair there. Baekhyun closes his eyes and leans into the touch.

"I hate all this love bullshit," Baekhyun grumbles and Yixing chuckles.

"No, you don't."

Baekhyun sends him a glare and Yixing bites his lip to hold back laughter.

"Humor me."

"Okay, okay, sorry," Yixing smiles and Baekhyun leans into his side. It makes Yixing's heart beat a little too hard in his chest. It's dumb that he's so affected by simple things like this, even when Baekhyun is probably the most affectionate person he knows. But it does, and Yixing curses himself for being stupidly in love.

"It was Tao," Baekhyun whispers, not bothering to elaborate, but it's not like he would need to, Yixing already knows.

 

_"Holy shit, Xing, you are not going to believe this," Baekhyun was whispering even though they were in Yixing's dorm room, his roommate hadn't arrived yet, so it was just the two of them there. Yixing looked up from his phone to look at Baekhyun._

_"Tell me there's a law being passed so we don't have to pay for tuition," Yixing whined a little and Baekhyun snorted._

_"No, better," Baekhyun whined back, mimicking Yixing's voice and Yixing couldn't help but laugh._

_"What could possibly be better than free tuition?" Yixing raised his eyebrows, challenging Baekhyun playfully._

_"A really cute boy."_

_"Oh my god, it's not even the first day of school yet!"_

_"Okay hear me out," Baekhyun pleaded and Yixing relented, as usual. Yixing had motioned for Baekhyun to go on, but someone had knocked on the door lightly, interrupting their conversation._

_"Uh... hello?" The voice broke the silence that had settled in the few seconds, his Korean was accented, and it pulled Yixing in. Maybe it had been the fact he could tell the stranger was Chinese as well._

_"Hey," Yixing had stood up as the door opened, the boy had looking relieved to hear Mandarin. Yixing couldn't help but let out a small laugh._

_"Oh, thank God you speak Chinese. I've been struggling with communicating with people all day, mispronouncing words and it's been awful," the boy whined and took a few steps into the room. "Oh, I'm Huang Zitao by the way, you can just call me Tao, though."_

_"I was like that when I first moved to Seoul, too, but that was when I was younger. You haven't studied Korean? This is a Korean university after all." Yixing had shaken the blond boy's– Tao's hand as a greeting. His eyes lined with dark eyeliner and eyeshadow had caught Yixing's attention, it looked good on him._

_"I've been studying for years but it's so hard," Tao whined, pouting a lot like Baekhyun did._

_"Fair enough," Yixing chuckled and Baekhyun had elbowed him in the ribs. "Yah! Sorry! I'm Zhang Yixing and this is Byun Baekhyun. He's Korean and he has no idea what we're saying right now, it's a bit amusing."_

_"Yixing!" Baekhyun whined and plopped down on Yixing's bed. "Don't talk about me in Chinese it's not fair!"_

_"I can talk in Korean, if you'd like," Tao had spoken slowly, making sure to pronounce his words clearly. Yixing waved his hand with a smile, dismissing Tao's offer._

_"Don't bother, Baekhyun needs to learn Chinese anyway."_

_Tao had laughed then, loud and high and it silenced Baekhyun's whining from the bed and Yixing had looked back at him with raised eyebrows._

_"Yixing is an awful teacher," Baekhyun mumbled and turned his attention to his phone, choosing to ignore Yixing's protests. Yixing was a great teacher, thank you very much._

_"Anyway, are you my roommate?" Yixing turned back to Tao, hoping, mostly because he spoke Chinese as well, and it would be a needed break from only speaking Korean._

_"Uhh, yeah, I think so," Tao mumbled as he patted the pockets of his jacket, looking for something. He finally fished a piece of paper from his back pocket on his pants and read whatever was written on it. "Yup! Room 423."_

_Yixing mirrored Tao's smile and pulled him further into the room and taking his bags off his shoulders._

_"Well, welcome to your home for the next year."_

_"Yixing hyung," Baekhyun kicked at Yixing's legs to get his attention, making Yixing frown at him. He waved his phone in the air gesturing for Yixing to look at his. Yixing pulled out his phone and read the text that Baekhyun had sent him._

**Baekhyunnie~:**

**THATS THE GUY YIXING**

**FUCK**

_Yixing looked between his phone, Tao, and Baekhyun, feeling like the world was out to get him. Of course. Maybe this wasn't going to be the much-needed break from Korean after all._

 

Yixing sighs through his nose, trying not to let the bitter feelings surface. It wasn't the time or the place. He continues to play with Baekhyun's hair, waiting for him to talk again.

"I just walked into Sehun's dorm room, and there he fucking was, on top of my boyfriend, kissing down his neck and–" Baekhyun shudders taking in a deep breath. "I didn't know what to do so I left, I didn't give either them a chance to even explain. I sent Sehun a text, telling him it was over and then got so mad. Like everything just came flooding back from when I was with Tao, too. It was so overwhelming I couldn't control it."

Yixing nods listening to Baekhyun talk, moving his hand from behind Baekhyun to rest it around his shoulders and rub his thumb along the shell of his ear. He doesn't want his best friend to get to that point again, and the fact that it was with Tao, Yixing knew that Baekhyun's anger wasn't misplaced.

"Tao used me, and he's continuing to use me without even being around me. It's so fucked up. He tried to take you away from me, tried to ruin our friendship and he almost did. Now he's fucking my boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend. God, Yixing, what the hell is my life."

 

_"Baekhyun is really cute," Tao had said around a mouthful of beef that Yixing had cooked earlier. Yixing had only hummed and stayed focused on his work on his desk. "You don't mind, do you? I mean he is your best friend after all and now that we're dating I don't want it to be awkward for you."_

_"I don't have control of anything Baekhyun does, he's his own person. It's not awkward, I don't really care either way," Yixing twirled his pencil in his fingers, not wanting to look up at Tao, not wanting to have this conversation at all. He had never been this involved in any of Baekhyun's relationships and there had been a reason._

_"You're cute, too."_

_"Ah?" Yixing's head had shot up, looking at Tao, confusion was clear on his face. "What?"_

_Tao had shrugged and looked at the TV, a small grin on his mouth. "Nothing."_

_Yixing frowned and pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, looking back down at his work and suddenly he felt very out of place, kind of suffocated._

_"He doesn't really try to keep in contact with you, does he?" Tao popped another piece of meat into his mouth and glanced over to Yixing who fidgeted in his seat._

_"I don't–" Yixing frowned again, his head hurt. "Why does that matter, I see him almost every day."_

_"I wouldn't like my best friend to ditch me for their relationship."_

_"He's not. Tao, what are you even saying?" Yixing looked up at the younger boy who seemed to be completely calm._

_"He's kind of an asshole, but you're not, Ge. You're really nice," Tao smiled, and Yixing stared back at him, completely dumbfounded. "He sleeps around a lot, too. Or so I've heard."_

_"Yah! Watch it!" Yixing's head was spinning, he took in a deep breath, watching Tao from where he was sat._

_"I'm just speaking the truth," Tao picked up his empty plate and took it to the small sink in their shared room. "He's kind of a, you know, slut. Manwhore. Whatever."_

_Yixing stood up from his desk, knocking over things in the process, hands shaking. "Watch your fucking mouth, Tao. Baekhyun is nothing but a good person, you on the other hand, talking about your boyfriend, my best friend, like this is messed up."_

_"Ge, I've never heard you swear before," Tao looked up, his eyes dark and Yixing had inhaled sharply, taking a step back. "It's kinda hot."_

_"Ah?!"_

_Tao had pushed Yixing back against the wall next to his bed, their noses bumping against each other and Yixing was shrinking into himself._

_"Best part of this is, if you tell Baekhyun Ge, he won't believe you. I'm just innocent little Taozi to him," Tao's eyes had gleamed with something dangerous and unrecognizable. Yixing had never been more confused by someone's actions in his life._

_Yixing pushed Tao away from him, the younger laughing as he flopped back onto his own bed. Yixing grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys to the room and left, mumbling that he'd be back later. When he had opened the door Baekhyun had been standing there, his fist raised to knock on the door._

_"Oh, hi hyung," Baekhyun beamed and Yixing could only stare at him. "You okay?"_

_"He's fine Baekhyunnie, don't worry, he's just going to get some fresh air," Tao chirped from where he sat, his demeanor completely different to what it had been just moments ago. "I was just about to put a movie in, do you want to join me?"_

_"I…" Baekhyun frowned, looking between Tao and Yixing. "Yeah sure. That sounds good. Will you be back soon, Yixing?"_

_"No, I don't think he will," Tao answered for him, and Yixing had felt so out of place, like he wasn't even actually supposed I be a part of the conversation that was about him._

_"Oh... Well, be safe Xingie," Baekhyun had hesitated at the door after Yixing had slipped out and waved a short goodbye to him, before turning and speed walking away from his dorm room as fast as he could before breaking out into a run as he went down the stairs. Yixing had stayed at Zhixiang's that night, sure that it wouldn't be a good idea to go back._

 

Yixing shakes his head a little and tugs on Baekhyun's ear gently, "Don't let either of them make you feel like you're doing something wrong with your life, because you're not. They're both gone and out of your life, and you'll do much better without anyone who associates themselves with Tao. You'll just move on and forget about Sehun the best you can, and I'll be right here, like always, to distract you. It's my job."

Baekhyun pulls at a string on his blanket and laughs while nodding. Yixing smiles at him and pulls him into a hug, squishing Baekhyun's cheek against his shoulder until the younger boy bites his arm gently.

"Hey, don't bite me! I thought you grew out of that!" Yixing pouts as he rubs his arm where Baekhyun bit him and the younger laughs again, his mouth pulling into a rectangle, just like it should be. If Baekhyun feels better, so does Yixing. He forgets about the dying part for now, he can't not be happy when Baekhyun is smiling again.

"I wanna dye my hair again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> homophobia, vomiting

Yixing shouldn't have worn a black shirt, he shouldn’t have worn a shirt at all, probably, but he didn't think about how messy this would actually get. He should've, though, given it was Baekhyun and that's just how he works. There's a lot of should haves and shouldn't haves in Yixing's life leading up until this moment, he should have told his mother sooner that he didn't want to be a doctor, he shouldn't have listened to Baekhyun that one time when they were little when he told Yixing to jump out of a tree because it felt like flying, but flying ended up being a broken wrist. Those are just things that he won't be able to take back, and so is the massive bleach spot on the front of his shirt. What can he do, though?

"Baekhyun, don't touch your head!" Yixing swats away Baekhyun's hands from his bleach coated head.

"But it itches!" Baekhyun whines and clenches his fists, trying not to scratch at his scalp. It's a bit endearing.

"Listen, Baek, you asked for this. You aren't allowed to complain," Yixing points at Baekhyun, his finger close enough to make the younger go cross eyed, and pokes the tip of Baekhyun's nose, who kicks at Yixing's shins.

"But I complain, that's my thing and you know it." Baekhyun slumps down into the kitchen chair in his apartment, his shirt discarded, and a towel draped over his shoulders. “Is it done yet?”

"No, it's not done yet, we still have to dye it and use toner," Yixing sighs and mixes the hair dye in the small container with the brush. "But, you should probably wash out the bleach now."

Baekhyun shoots up out of his seat immediately and goes over to the kitchen sink turning on the hot water. He waits a few moments before leaning forward, ducking his head down and grabbing the spray hose and rinsing out the bleach. He's making a much bigger mess than actually getting the bleach out, so Yixing takes the hose from Baekhyun and rises it out for him, running his fingers through his hair along with the shampoo. Baekhyun hums contently as Yixing's fingers scratch at his scalp, washing away all of the bleach. Yixing can't help but chuckle as he shuts off the water and hands Baekhyun a towel to dry his hair.

When Baekhyun finally stands back up straight, his hair is sticking out all over the place and Yixing wants nothing more than to take a picture, so he does.

Baekhyun yells and chases him around his apartment trying to get Yixing to delete the picture calling him the worst friend in the world and saying that he's _so_ dead. Yixing laughs and runs away from him, holding his phone above his head, just out of Baekhyun's reach.

"Using your height," Baekhyun grunts as he jumps trying to grip at Yixing's hand with his phone, "is not fair!"

"It's completely fair, Baekhyunnie," Yixing laughs loudly and Baekhyun uses his last resort, he blows air into Yixing's neck, making the older squeal and recoil into himself, distracting him long enough for Baekhyun to grab his phone and run off with it. "Now _that_ wasn't fair, Byun Baekhyun!"

"All's fair in love and war!" Baekhyun's laugh rings loud through the apartment and fills Yixing whole. It takes up every empty space and warms it. Yixing smiles so big that his cheeks hurt, and he's never felt this content. He's so happy to have his Baekhyun back.

"Give me my phone, Baekhyun-ah," Yixing singsongs from Baekhyun's kitchen and the younger boy practically skips in waving Yixing's phone in his hand. Yixing rolls his eyes, accepting the fact that the picture of Baekhyun is long gone.

"Can we finish my hair now?"

"That's what we're here for, isn't it?"

"Aish, so grumpy."

There's a smile on Baekhyun's face, and Yixing can't do anything but mirror it. He feels light, like never before. He hasn't felt this way in months. Maybe he's getting better after all, maybe the flower is wilting in his chest and Baekhyun is falling in love with him too. He won't get his hopes up, though, because it's unlikely and Yixing is just an optimist.

Baekhyun plops back down on the kitchen chair and Yixing dries his hair the rest of the way before putting silver dye in his hair. He's no professional, but hopefully Baekhyun likes the end result, whatever it may be. Baekhyun goes to wash his hair out again and then they add toner, and repeat.

"Oh wow." Yixing hears Baekhyun through the bathroom door and he panics a little. What if he fucked up Baekhyun's hair? He'd never live that down. "Wow…"

"Is that a bad or a good wow?" Yixing leans back against the wall next to the bathroom door. There's shuffling around inside the small room, but no answer. "Oh god, Baekhyunnie, if I messed up your hair I'm so sorry. I'll take you to a professional to get it fixed and pay-"

Yixing's cut off by Baekhyun walking out of the bathroom, and his hair. His hair definitely is not ruined. It's the complete opposite.

"Wow."

Yixing understands.

"Yixing hyung, it looks so good," Baekhyun looks up like he's trying to see his hair without a mirror. His hand reaches up to ruffle the shiny silver strands, Yixing wants to do the same. A smile spreads across Baekhyun's face, his mouth going into a boxed shape and a laugh tumbles out of his lips as he throws himself into Yixing, wrapping the older in tight hug. Yixing hugs him back just as tightly and he soaks up all of Baekhyun's warmth before Baekhyun pulls away and goes back into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror. Yixing follows and stands behind him in the bathroom as the younger fusses with his hair.

"You should've went to cosmetology school instead," Baekhyun jokes and Yixing fixes a stray hair on top of his head. "It seriously looks so good."

"You look so pretty, Baekhyun-ah," Yixing smiles and Baekhyun's eyes sparkle.

"I do, don't I?"

"You're gonna have to wear a lot more pastels, they'll look better with your hair."

Baekhyun contemplates for a moment before nodding in agreement.

"Shopping?" Baekhyun raises his eyebrow, giving Yixing a questioning look in the reflection of the mirror. "After midterms, of course."

"After midterms."

Baekhyun turns around and hugs Yixing again, kissing him on the cheek before leaving the bathroom. Yixing stands there for a moment, shocked and blushing, before he follows Baekhyun out into the kitchen.

"Which reminds me, we should be studying. That's why you're here after all." Baekhyun is looking through his fridge as he talks to Yixing who's leaning against the counter next to him.

"And who distracted us from studying?"

"You, hyung." A few beats of silence. "I did, hyung."

Yixing nods and takes the soda Baekhyun hands him and opens it, taking a drink. "That's right, you did, brat."

"Shut up," Baekhyun grumbles and Yixing chuckles, walking to Baekhyun's living room, where their books and notes were abandoned at Baekhyun's proposition of dyeing his hair hours ago. Baekhyun is trailing behind him and Yixing hears him whimper.

"Ah, don't be so whiny, you'll be fine."

"I'm gonna die," Baekhyun practically cries as he flops down on his couch. Yixing exhales through his nose and doesn't dwell on the statement. He sits next to Baekhyun who immediately rests his head on Yixing's lap.

"Dramatic."

Baekhyun pouts up at him and Yixing cards his fingers through Baekhyun's hair slowly. Baekhyun grabs his biology book off the floor and flips it open to the unit he must be on for that class, Yixing follows suit grabbing his economy book from the side table and resting it on the arm of the couch as he flips through trying to find where he had left off.

 

Yixing doesn't hate a lot of things, hardly anything really, but when he does hate something, it's burning and irrational.

"I fucking hate midterms," Yixing grumbles as he slams the door to his fridge shut and slams two bottles of soda on his counter. "Can't fucking drink, can't do anything but study and stress, can't fucking get enough sleep. Bullshit."

Baekhyun watches on from the doorway of the kitchen, an amused expression on his face, Yixing wants to hate it.

"Shut the hell up, Baekhyun."

"I didn't say anything, Mister Grouchy Pants."

Yixing pulls the bottle opener from a drawer and pops off the top of his soda. It bubbles over and Yixing yells out, holding the leaking bottle over the sink and waits for it to stop fizzing over.

"God damn it," Yixing mutters and wipes his sticky hands on a towel. "What else is gonna fucking go wrong. Come get your drink, Baekhyun."

"I'll wait. I don't want to be in the crossfire of your anger," Baekhyun smirks and Yixing _really_ wants to hate it. "Also, it's probably still shaken up, so I'll definitely wait."

"Whatever."

Yixing walks past Baekhyun into his living room and sits on his futon, the ancient thing creaks and Yixing whimpers at the noise. His apartment is a disaster, there's dirty clothes and empty instant ramen packets everywhere. It only ever gets this messy during exams, he hates it. Baekhyun picks an empty yogurt drink off the futon and drops it on the coffee table with a clank before sitting down next to Yixing and taking a drink of Yixing's soda, Yixing shoots the younger male a glare. 

"Shouldn't you be studying or something?" Yixing asks, he doesn't know Baekhyun's testing schedule because he was too preoccupied to ask before the week started. Baekhyun shakes his head, his lips pulling into a grin behind the mouth of the bottle.

"I finished today, thank God."

"I fucking hate you," Yixing groans and slumps back into his couch. Baekhyun laughs and pats Yixing's thigh gently, trying to comfort him through his moping. "Ugh, no I don't, but I wish I could."

That only makes Baekhyun laugh louder and Yixing falls to the side, his head trapped between the back of the futon and Baekhyun's back.

"I think you might break your swearing record this year, hyung."

Yixing swats at the back of Baekhyun's head, making the younger boy yelp. "Fuck you, stop keeping track."

"It's the only fun thing about exams week."

"I have to go to a damn church and repent for all my sins, and you're making a game out of my misery."

"I think it's a double sin to say, 'damn church', hyung."

"Shit."

Baekhyun is shaking with laughter, and if Yixing wasn't so stubborn and exhausted he'd laugh along, but he is, so he pinches Baekhyun's side in retaliation.

"On the bright side, it's Thursday and your last exam is tomorrow. And then you get to go shopping with me, like you promised." Baekhyun pats Yixing's hand that's wrapped around his torso and Yixing groans.

"Or I could sleep for a week," Yixing mumbles into Baekhyun's back and the younger shakes his head.

"Nope. You promised."

"Can we go on Saturday?"

Baekhyun sighs dramatically and slumps back against Yixing, squishing him into the couch. Yixing tries to protest but his words are muffled by Baekhyun's back.

"I suppose we can wait until Saturday." Yixing pinches at Baekhyun's waist trying to get him to move, but he doesn't, not quite. Baekhyun lays down instead, right in front of Yixing and adjusts himself to fit his body perfectly with Yixing's.

"I have to study," Yixing protests at the impromptu cuddling session, but it's weak.

"You also need sleep."

Baekhyun pats Yixing's hand that's still wrapped around his torso, Yixing sighs and pulls his lips into his mouth. He wants to argue and not further his attachment to his best friend, because in the end it'll only end poorly, but Baekhyun is so warm against his body and he really hasn't slept more than four hours a night. He lets himself relax into Baekhyun, because what's the worst that can go wrong, really?

 

Turns out that petals are the worst that can go wrong.

 

"When are you gonna tell me what was up with those flowers in your trash can, Xing?" Baekhyun takes a bite of his churro he'd bought at a kiosk in the front of the mall. Yixing has been avoiding this question since that morning when Baekhyun found the trash can Yixing had kept in his bedroom for his petals.

"It's nothing Baekhyun," Yixing sighs, trying not to let his voice falter. He hates hiding things from Baekhyun, but something like this, something that is directly involved with him is just something he has to keep to himself. "Can we drop it?"

"I think you have, like, a secret admirer or something."

"Baekhyun."

"Okay, okay, sorry. I'm done, but when you decide to finally come clean about your secret relationship, feel free to let me know." Baekhyun talks around a mouth full of food and Yixing rolls his eyes. He's pulled into a store that had caught Baekhyun's attention and the subject is dropped.

Yixing is grateful for Baekhyun's somewhat short attention span for once. He feels like he's on the edge of breaking, even though the petals have been less frequent, one little push will send him tumbling over the cliff and he doesn't know if he'll be able to climb out of that hole. Especially without the help of his best friend.

Yixing hasn't even really been able to accept the whole fact of him dying a lot sooner than he planned. He can't do things on his metaphorical bucket list because it'll tip people off that's something is wrong. He can't take personal days to just cry because he's only twenty-two and he's dying, and he can't tell anyone. Baekhyun is always there, if he didn't answer the door one morning just because he couldn't cope with his reality, Baekhyun would call the police and report a missing person. It's hard to fall out of love with someone who is such a huge part of your life. It's easy to fall in love with someone who cares so much about you, it's just unfortunate that it's not in the same way.

"You good?" Baekhyun's hand is grabbing at Yixing's own and pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Yixing smiles softly at Baekhyun, he knows Baekhyun doesn't believe him. He can see the look in his eyes. "I promise."

"You know you can talk to me about anything, Yixing. I'm always here," Baekhyun presses with a small frown. His hand squeezes Yixing's, and Yixing thinks it's the only thing that's holding him together at this point.

"I'm... I'm just worried about my midterm grade is all. I'm okay, Hyunnie."

Baekhyun nods and squeezes his hand one last time, he still doesn't believe Yixing's lie. Yixing trails behind him in the store, the silence is too heavy, but Yixing can't get himself to break it. The only talking that happens is if Yixing likes this shirt or that sweater or asking if Baekhyun will ever actually wear that. Yixing replies with hums and head motions and not much else. He knows he's pulling Baekhyun down with him, but he can't stop himself.

"Here, this one is for you." Baekhyun tosses Yixing a blue crew neck, something that was way too expensive for a plain sweater. Yixing catches it and looks up at Baekhyun with a frown. They just got to Yixing’s after being out for a lot longer than Yixing could handle. He wants to think that Baekhyun caught onto him wanting to go home, but Yixing doesn’t know if that’s the case.

"You didn't– Baekhyun-ah, I can't accept this," Yixing is clutching onto the soft sweater. He really can't accept it, he won't ever be able to repay Baekhyun, there's a possibility he'll never get to wear it. He just can't.

"That's too bad because I'm not taking it back."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it," Baekhyun smiles a little, but it doesn't reach his eyes. There's no light, no life, nothing. Yixing knows it's his fault. "Hey, I have a shift at the cafe in a little while so I'm gonna go back home and get ready. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah, I'll see you." Yixing folds the light blue sweater and sets it on the edge of his coffee table. This isn't them.

"Get some rest, and don't... Don't stress, okay? You'll be fine. You'll make it through."

Baekhyun waves as he walks out of Yixing's apartment. Yixing's mind is going a thousand miles a minute, because there's no way Baekhyun could know. There's no way Baekhyun would know. There's no way, but he's talking like he does and it's terrifying.

Yixing shuffles to his bathroom and turns on the shower. He just needs to sleep, he'll be okay. He'll make it through. Baekhyun said so.

The water is too hot on his skin, but he doesn't care. He can't focus his eyes and he doesn't know when he started crying, but sobs are racking his whole body and he can barely keep himself standing. He wipes droplets of water mixed with tears off his face with shaky hands. He's screaming into his hands and falling to his knees. He's praying and begging to live. He's dying and there's petals going down the drain. Anemone, he learned, they mean undying love. His life is some sort of sick joke.

He leaves the tag on the sweater, hidden in the back of a drawer in his dresser and cries himself to sleep that night.

 

Something wet and cold hits Yixing on his cheek and he jumps out of his sleep, literally, and as he lands back on his futon the bottom of it finally gives out and it collapses to the floor. He yells and hears cackles off to the side. This isn't how he wanted to be woken up on a Saturday, or any other day. He finds snow on his lap and he looks over to see his door swung wide open, a small figure standing in his doorway, but the light coming in from behind the person is casting shadows over their face. Not like he needs to see their face to know who it is, anyway.

"Baekhyun!" Yixing yells and Baekhyun laughs loudly, his voice carrying itself to fill the darkest corners of Yixing's apartment. No matter where he goes, he never has an issue with filling an entire room with his presence.

"It snowed!"

"You broke my couch!"

"It snowed!"

"It's cold and I'm wet!"

"It snowed!"

Yixing scrambles up from the floor and Baekhyun squawks, running out of the apartment and down the front stairs, Yixing trailing quickly behind him in only his boxers.

"Byun Baekhyun, you get your ass back here!" Yixing calls after him and he chases after Baekhyun, not caring about the cold wet cement under his feet, or the fact that he's practically naked.

"It snowed, hyung!" Baekhyun laughs and he's just barely out of Yixing's reach. His feet have gone numb from the cold and he's definitely going to get a cold, and for some reason he's laughing. Yixing doesn't care that his futon is broken, he doesn't care that he's freezing, he doesn't care. It feels so nice.

Baekhyun slows down a bit and Yixing collides into him, the pair crashing into snow dusted grass. Baekhyun wheezes under him at the impact with the solid ground but he's still laughing, and so is Yixing.

"I can't breathe, hyung," Baekhyun giggles breathlessly and Yixing climbs off him, trying to avoid the snow as much as possible. There's not much, but it's still there and standing still isn't the best idea.

"Are you okay? You're not hurt?" Yixing grabs Baekhyun's hand and pulls him up from the ground. The front of his sweatshirt is soaked from the snow-covered ground, and his ears and nose are tipped pink. He looks cute, boyish, like he did when they were younger.

"You're outside practically naked and you're asking if I'm hurt," Baekhyun shakes his head with a small laugh and pulls Yixing back to his apartment. "Come on you're gonna get sick."

Yixing lets himself be led back to his apartment, the cold finally settling in his bones, and really, he can't say he minds. It's nice to be taken care of sometimes, and when Baekhyun does it he always gets the best treatment.

Baekhyun ushers Yixing into the warm room and tells him to go get dressed. Yixing shuffles back into the bedroom he rarely ever uses to find a pair of sweats and a jumper. He pushes aside the blue sweater Baekhyun bought for him two weeks ago, the tag still attached to the collar, and pulls out a green fuzzy one he's had for years. He walks back to the living room where Baekhyun is waiting for him on the floor next to his broken futon.

Yixing sits down next to Baekhyun on the floor with a grunt and pulls the blanket the younger has draped over his lap onto his own so they're sharing. Baekhyun bumps his shoulder into Yixing's with a giddy smile that Yixing can only raise his eyebrows at.

"What?"

"Mm, nothing," Baekhyun laughs, smiles bigger. Yixing is so in love.

"You look like an idiot. What is it."

"Today's just a good day, is all," Baekhyun shrugs, like that's all the explanation he can give. "Wanna go get hot chocolate?"

Yixing stretches out, uncrossing is legs and reaching his arms into the air with a groan. He slumps back into his broken futon and looks over at Baekhyun who's still smiling.

"What time is it?" Yixing rubs the sleep out of his eyes and musses up his hair in attempt to fix it.

"Like ten, probably."

"Why am I awake," Yixing groans and slides down so his whole body is laying on the floor. Baekhyun pats his head, runs a finger over the shell of his ear gently, and Yixing almost falls back asleep.

"Because you love me."

"Right."

"C'mon, hyung! There's a new coffee shop open on the other side of campus and I wanna try it out!" Baekhyun's practically bouncing as he begs Yixing with a whiny voice.

"Yah! You're twenty-one, Baekhyunnie! Enough of the aegyo!" Yixing swats at Baekhyun's leg who's laughing loudly, and he pushes himself up off the ground.

"You love my aegyo."

"It's disgusting." He loves it so much but no one has to know except him.

Baekhyun hops up next to him, having far too much energy for this early on a Saturday, and rushes Yixing through his morning routine so they can hurry up and leave.

"Are you sure there's no other reason why you want to go to this coffee shop so bad?" Yixing is looking at Baekhyun's reflection through the bathroom mirror as he brushes his teeth, Baekhyun shakes his head at him and sighs a little.

"No, hyung. I swear. Just hurry up already I heard the hot chocolate is the best in town. That's all my heart desires."

Yixing laughs and shakes his head as he spits the toothpaste down the drain and rises out his mouth. He believes that there's really no other reason why Baekhyun wants to go there, but the reaction he gets out of him is completely worth it.

"No mystery guy?"

"Yixing!"

Yixing holds up his hands in defense and chuckles, calling a truce. Baekhyun practically drags him out of his bathroom and almost puts Yixing's shoes on for him, but Yixing swats his hands away with a grumble. A few minutes later Baekhyun's bounding out of Yixing's apartment, down the stairs, and onto the sidewalk lined with snow. Right, it snowed.

“I forgot gloves," Yixing whines and breathes hot air into his hands. "My fingers are gonna fall off."

"Put them under your armpits."

"What?" Yixing looks at Baekhyun skeptically and Baekhyun rolls his eyes.

"Don't give me that look, my brother taught me when I was little. It really works. Just," Baekhyun stops them in the middle of the sidewalk, earning a few protests from other students walking behind them. He doesn't seem to mind. "Cross your arms like this. Uh huh. Then instead of holding your hands to your sides, stick 'em under your armpits. Like this."

Baekhyun stands in front of Yixing with his arms crossed against his chest and his fingers hidden away under his arms. Yixing copies his motions and Baekhyun nods with a smile, dropping his hands and continues to walk forward. Yixing follows him quickly, and his fingers already feel a little warmer.

"Thank you, Baekhyun."

"You're lucky I didn't show you the way Baekbeom showed me when I was little. I looked like a chicken." Baekhyun smiles and Yixing laughs softly at the image. Baekhyun rarely talks about his older brother, so it's a change of pace when he does. It's not really like Yixing doesn't know Baekhyun's family, because he practically grew up in his house, but it's sort of an off-limit topic.

 

_"Y-Yixing, go to the secret hide out," Baekhyun had hiccupped through the phone receiver, Yixing was beyond confused._

_"Baekhyun? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Yixing's heart was going a million miles an hour, he couldn't think straight. The sound of his best friend crying had thrown him off guard. Baekhyun was never one to cry, unless something was really wrong._

_"Yixing!" Baekhyun had shouted and Yixing had to pull the phone away from his ear at the volume. "Just, just go to the hide out!"_

_"We haven't been there in years, Hyunnie. Why don't you just come over?"_

_"Please just go, Yixing," Baekhyun had taken in a shaky breath that made Yixing's gut drop. "I'm begging you."_

_"Okay, okay. I'll be there, I promise."_

_"Thank you."_

_Yixing's hands shook as he pulled on his shoes and his jacket, something had been wrong, he knew it was more than just a fight._

_He slipped out the back door of his house and ran down the street, past the abandoned houses, through the football field, and into the small gathering of trees. It was probably the shortest amount of time it had ever taken him to get there. Yixing stood in the small clearing, facing the direction Baekhyun would come into view, and picked at his fingers. He hadn't known what had happened with Baekhyun, all he knew was that his best friend needed him._

_Yixing heard soft thuds of footsteps running towards him a few moments later and he sprinted towards them. Baekhyun's body collided with his own and Yixing immediately wrapped his arms around the younger boy, who was shaking with sobs._

_"Baekhyun-ah, I'm here it's okay. Shh, I'm here." Yixing held Baekhyun to his chest as the younger boy sobbed into his jacket and clawed at his back, trying to find some kind of purchase, anything. Yixing's hand held onto the back of Baekhyun's head, the other around his waist, making sure he wouldn't fall. Yixing didn't know how long they stood there for, but he didn't dare speak a word when the sun had officially set, and his feet had gone numb._

_Eventually Baekhyun had pulled away, his tears had run out, but he was still hiccupping, gasping for air. Yixing had wiped away the stray tears on the younger's cheek, avoiding the purplish bruise under his left eye. Baekhyun took Yixing by his wrist and led them both to the little cave shielded by small bushes that they called their secret hideout. They hadn't been there since they were at least thirteen. They had decided that they were too cool for their hideaway, and skateboards and more video games at their houses took ahold of their interest. Sometimes Yixing had gone there alone, when he needed to get away, or when he was scared. It was their safe place. It was his safe place._

_They sat down on the smooth rock jutting out from the moss-covered ground and Baekhyun had hid his head in his hands, avoiding Yixing's eyes. Yixing was patient, he held off the questions that were always dancing on his tongue, he waited until Baekhyun was ready._

_It didn't take long before Baekhyun had melded himself into Yixing's side and started crying again, but this time he talked. And Yixing listened._

_"He saw him," Baekhyun had mumbled into Yixing's chest. "Baekbeom. H-he saw him and–And I think he saw me hug him."_

_Yixing squeezed Baekhyun closer to his body and rubbed his hand up and down Baekhyun's back._

_"I think he's going to tell my parents. And Yixing, I–I don't know what I'm going to do." Baekhyun sniffled and wiped his hand across his cheek._

_"Baekhyun-ah, you hug me all the time. Why would he think any differently?”_

_"It's not the same and you know it." Baekhyun shook his head and sat up taking a deep breath. He winced as he touched the bruise around his eye. “Baekbeom would never threaten to tell my parents because I hugged you.”_

_Yixing's heart dropped in his chest. He had never thought Baekhyun's older brother would ever care about anything like that. He was so much older, and more mature than they were. Yixing thought._

_"He shoved me around and called me all these names. And when I tried to tell him Yifan was just my friend, he hit me." Baekhyun looked down at his feet, ashamed, and Yixing couldn't feel anything but anger. He wanted to get up and run to Baekbeom and tell him off, to beat the shit out of him for hurting Baekhyun. Yixing exhaled through his nose and kept his thoughts to himself. Baekbeom was older and stronger, Yixing knew what the outcome would be, there wasn’t any use._

_"If he tells our parents... I–I don't know what will happen," Baekhyun sounded so small, so scared. Yixing knew that it could mean he could be kicked out of his house, shamed. It could mean he'd have nowhere to turn, and Yixing doubted that his parents wouldn't find out, too. Yixing could have to give up his best friend, at least publicly. "I won't have anyone."_

_"You'll have me, Baekhyunnie. I'll always be there, you know that."_

_Baekhyun had nodded and kept his eyes fixed on the ground. Yixing knew he couldn't do much, he just had to hope for the best._

_"I didn't know what to do when he hit me, so I just called you. I don't have anyone else to tell. A–and Yifan is too busy with university to care about what happens at my home. He– It's not his job to care," Baekhyun had whimpered and hugged himself, curling into a ball like he always did when he was scared._

_"Baekhyun-ah, it is his job. He's your boyfriend, right?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"You don't know?" Yixing had looked over at Baekhyun, confused. He had been sure they were dating. After all the things Baekhyun had told him he was so sure._

_"He says he doesn't want to call it anything. B–but I have this stupid mole and he doesn't want to talk about it. He told me that it didn't mean anything. But Yixing, I know what it is. And I know he doesn't have one to match. I love him so much but he's so much older he has a completely different life. He doesn't love me in the same way," Baekhyun hiccupped and wiped tears away from his cheeks. Yixing hadn't known what to say, or how to comfort him. "I just have to pretend that it's alright, pretend that I'm not in love with him for my own sake."_

_Yixing shook his head and pulled Baekhyun into his chest, kissing the top of his head. Baekhyun had buried his face into Yixing's body and started crying again. There had been too much, too many feelings going through both of their minds to say anything else._

_"It's going to be okay, Hyunnie. I'll always be here."_

 

 

The warmth from the coffee shop is much welcomed as Yixing follows Baekhyun into the new building. Everything is modern and minimalistic, but warm and welcoming at the same time. Yixing sort of wishes that it wasn't halfway across campus. Everything smells delicious and Yixing's mouth is kind of watering. He follows Baekhyun up to the counter and looks at the pastries on display.

"Get a slice of pumpkin bread, too, Baekhyunnie. We can share." Yixing points to the slice of bread in the display case to show Baekhyun which one. He nods and Yixing smiles, moving back towards where Baekhyun is waiting in line.

The girl standing in front of Baekhyun thanks the man behind the counter with a shy giggle and she scampers away to where her friends are sitting on the other side of the modest shop. Yixing watches her as she ducks her head down, cheeks visibly red and her friends giggle along with her. It's odd, she's acting a lot like a child with a crush, or something akin to that. Baekhyun shifts forward in front of him and it draws Yixing's eyes away from the group of flustered girls to his best friend. He's leaning forward against the counter, out right staring. It's a bit embarrassing. Yixing nudges him with his knee and Baekhyun only reaches back to shoo him away. The man reappears from the back with a new tray of pastries to replace an empty one in the display case. He can't be much taller than Baekhyun, his black hair is shaggy and a little wavy, parted down the middle. It works for him.

"What can I get for you today, handsome?" Baekhyun's ears turn red, Yixing can see them from where he's standing just a foot away. He's flustered, and the employee is flirting. Yixing exhales through his nose roughly and furrows his eyebrows.

"Two hot chocolates?" Baekhyun sounds shy and the man smiles at him, all gummy and crooked. Charming.

"I'll make them extra chocolate-y just for you...?" The man trails off searching for a name.

"Baekhyun!" Baekhyun is all too eager to give.

"Handsome Baekhyunnie! It suits you."

Yixing just barely holds himself back from gagging.

The barista moves off to the side to a coffee machine and sure enough puts extra, a lot extra, chocolate into the hot cups. It'll taste disgusting, Yixing knows. He puts even more extra whipped cream on the top of the drinks.

"Small and sweet for a cutie named Baekhyunnie." The man winks, Yixing shudders at the obvious flattery. Baekhyun bathes in the disgusting amount of cheesiness.

Baekhyun forgot the pumpkin bread.

Yixing takes his cup from Baekhyun's hand and wraps his cold fingers around the warmth. He follows the younger to an empty table by the window and sits across from him, watching how Baekhyun steals glances up at the counter where the employee is moving around, cleaning up, not paying any mind to all the googly eyes he's getting from practically everyone in his shop.

"Minseok's cute, right?" Baekhyun raises his eyebrows, there's whipped cream on his upper lip.

"Who?"

"Minseok," Baekhyun says like Yixing should know.  "The barista. That’s what his nametag says."

"Oh, yeah he's fine." Yixing shrugs and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "What? He's not my type."

"No one is ever your type, you stick in the mud."

"I am not!" Yixing huffs and sits back in his chair, looking over to where Minseok is serving another customer. "I'm just not looking, right now."

"When was the last time you got laid, Xing?"

"Does it matter?"

"Oh my God, has it really been that long?" Baekhyun half laughs, half looks a little sad for Yixing.

"Baekhyun, we didn't come here to talk about my sex life," Yixing says firmly and Baekhyun shakes his head.

"Or lack thereof," Baekhyun mutters under his breath and Yixing glares at him. He can be such an ass sometimes.

"Baekhyun."

"Joohyun?" Minseok's calls out from behind the counter and the girl from before jumps a little and turns bright red again. "Your sandwich is ready, babe."

Yixing breathes out and looks between Baekhyun, Minseok, and the girl named Joohyun. Baekhyun is focused on his phone. The brown-haired girl rushes up to the counter and takes the plate from Minseok's hands, her hands linger, finger tips touching the man's and they're whispering, giggling, blatantly flirting. The girl bites down on her lip and looks down, hair falling in front of her face, and Minseok tilts her chin up, brushing the strands away from her eyes. Her group of friends squeal at their table quietly as they watch the exchange, just like Yixing.

He whispers something into Joohyun's ear and she nods, looking at him with wide eyes. She scurries away for the second time and huddles in with her giggling friends, looking flushed and Yixing looks back to Baekhyun as he takes a drink of his hot chocolate

"What are the odds that you tease me about coming here to see a cute guy and there actually is a cute guy for once," Baekhyun laughs a little and Yixing squints at him. Really, what are the odds of that happening. "Yah! I swear I had no idea, don't give me that look!"

"I believe you, it's just that the chances are low and yet, here we are."

"Here we are, and there he is."

"There he is." Yixing looks out the window they're sitting next to and sips on his drink, it tastes disgusting. It's snowing again, but it's melting as soon as it hits the pavement. Nothing's sticking to anything and the late morning sun seems to be warming up everything but Yixing. He knows that he's probably thinking too far into the whole Minseok thing, Baekhyun finds a lot of people attractive. And there's nothing wrong with that, but his chest is already growing heavy with the flowers he almost forgot were there, at just the thought of Baekhyun falling for someone else again. Yixing was doing well for a few weeks, the petals were coming less and less and the ones that did come were withered and dying. That had to have been a good sign, right?

Plus, Baekhyun would notice how Minseok's flirting with practically everyone in the coffee shop sooner or later, Yixing just hopes it's sooner.

Yixing lets Baekhyun lead the conversation, pulling in each and every direction, but it always seems to end back on one person.

"I should ask for his number," Baekhyun's fingers are rapping against the wooden table anxiously.

"Mm? Isn't a bit soon?"

Baekhyun pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and glances up at the front counter. He nods a little and looks back to Yixing.

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"C'mon, it looks like the snow is gonna turn to rain, we should get back. We can play the new game you got the other day at your place." Yixing stands up from his seat, the chairs legs scraping against the floor loudly and Baekhyun follows his lead. Yixing slings his arm around the younger's shoulders and exits the coffee shop, hopefully for the last time.

 

It's not the last time, technically.

Baekhyun drags Yixing back to the coffee shop two days later, it probably would've been sooner, but the cold kept them inside under blankets and watching reruns of their favorite dramas. Yixing opts out of going inside, telling him that he'll just wait outside because it's a bit warmer out today. Baekhyun tries persuading him inside, but Yixing's not about to give in. Not this time at least.

Baekhyun exits the shop a little while later, two drinks in hand, and a face redder than Yixing's wind-blown one. Minseok must be some magical flirting deity, or something, to get Baekhyun worked up like that.

"You good?" Yixing starts walking forward slowly, giving Baekhyun time to come out of his daze and catch up.

"Yeah, you?"

Yixing nods and looks at his friend's flushed cheeks and feels the velvety petals flutter in his lungs. The conversation doesn't go further, and Yixing's glad.

A day later Baekhyun's dragging him back to the coffee shop. This time it's cold and wet outside, and he doesn't have much of a choice but to go inside. The warmth of the shop is welcoming, but that's about it. Minseok is toiling around behind the counter, cleaning and making coffee at the same time. It's not very busy today, probably because of the weather, but he's still moving nonstop. Yixing sits at a table close to the exit waiting for Baekhyun to get his hot chocolate and leave.

He sits there playing with the small sugar packets that are set on each table, organizing them by color as he waits. When Yixing's finished with that he straightens out each of the objects that are placed on the tables into a small cluster, then into a straight line, then back into a cluster. He looks over to Baekhyun who's still talking to Minseok, but someone else is behind the counter alongside the other man. Another employee, most likely. Baekhyun laughs at something Minseok says and Yixing looks away. He watches the snow and rain mix fall against the window, starting imaginary races between droplets of water. When the ones he wanted to win lose three times in a row he looks back over to see Baekhyun sitting at a table with Minseok talking and he frowns.

"Would you like to order something, sir?" The employee behind the counter raises her eyebrows at Yixing and he tears his eyes away from his friend to shake his head politely.

"No thank you, I'm just waiting for a friend." The girl nods and smiles and goes back to wiping the machines down with a wet rag.

Yixing looks at the time on his phone, he's been sitting here for fifteen minutes now, and it's wearing on his last nerve. Baekhyun was just supposed to come get his drink and leave. He frowns down at his intertwined hands and waits some more.

Ten more minutes pass. He's listening to Baekhyun's voice carry its way around the shop. He hears Minseok's laughter mixed in between. He hears the grinding of coffee beans and the sound of blender crushing ice. Yixing glances at Baekhyun again, who's leaning forward and smiling at whatever Minseok is saying. He doesn't really think much before he stands up abruptly, the scratching of chair legs breaking the serene hum of the coffee shop and walks out, the bell jingling over his head.

Yixing walks back across campus to his apartment and doesn't look back, Baekhyun didn't follow, anyway. He cuts through court yards and regrets it immediately when his shoes soak through. Every part of his body is cold, and he wishes that the coffee shop was never built, that Kim Minseok was never employed there, that he never applied to this university with Baekhyun, that his family never made him move to Korea. That, that, that.

His phone doesn't buzz until he steps inside his warm apartment, the difference in the air making his cold cheeks sting a little bit. He throws his coat on the floor and glares at his still broken futon. Yixing toes off his wet shoes and peels off his socks when he gets back to his bedroom and digs around for new ones to warm his toes. His phone buzzes in his pocket again and Yixing wants nothing more than to ignore it, but he knows he shouldn't.

 

**From: Baekhyunnie~**

**Why did u leave?**

**From: Baekhyunnie~**

**Yixing?**

 

Yixing sighs to himself and rubs his face with cold hands.

"Because you completely forgot my existence because some random ass barista? Because I'm fucking dying, and I don't have anyone? Because I was suffocating in my own fucking self-pity waiting for you to remember I was there? Because I love you?" Yixing talks out loud to himself, his voice growing more hysteric by the time he reaches the end of his ramble and tears are pricking at the back of his eyes. He feels pathetic. He picks his phone back up and types out a message.

 

**To: Baekhyunnie~**

**My grandmother called, I'm sorry.**

 

Yixing locks his phone and sets it off to the side taking in deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Maybe he shouldn't have left the coffee shop, he didn't want to hurt Baekhyun's feelings, but he couldn't just sit there anymore and have to be pushed aside. He can't take it back now, though.

His phone buzzes again, he ignores it this time.

 

Yixing dodges Baekhyun's invitations to go out for a few days, telling him he's not feeling well. Baekhyun offers to come and play nurse for a few days to help him get better, he dodges that, too. The petals are bad again, to a point where he can't really control it. He can't hold back his coughs, and he wakes up surrounded in purple petals. Yixing has to sweep at least once a day just to keep the floor from becoming covered. He doesn't really know what's going to happen when it gets to the end. If this is a sign or not. Yixing sits on his bed, his lights off, and sobs into his hands wondering how much longer he has left.

 

One night he wakes up because he can't breathe.

It takes him a moment before he realizes what's happening. He can't inhale, he can't exhale. Yixing sits up in bed trying to gasp for any amount of oxygen, but he can't fill his lungs, he's clawing at his throat like that will help him breathe. Hot, panicked tears are rolling down his cheeks, he knows he can't even call for help. Yixing tries to cough up what's blocking his throat, but nothing comes out, no noise, no petals. Nothing. He can feel the lump sitting heavy in his airway. He stands up out of bed and hits his chest trying to beat the flowers out of himself. Stars are dancing in his vision and every part of his body is screaming at him.

_I don't want to die. Not yet. Please, God, don't let me die._

Yixing stumbles to his bathroom, lightheaded and lacking oxygen. His vision is starting to black out for seconds at a time and he can't seem to remember how long his body can go without oxygen before he'll die. He trips over nothing and falls through the door onto the tiled floor of his bathroom on his knees. Yixing's lungs are burning, his fingers are tingling, he knows he'll pass out soon. He can't die, not yet. He can't leave Baekhyun, his grandmother needs him to come home during the summer, his mother needs his help at home when he can, he's too young.

Yixing whips his head around, looking for anything that could help him, and when he finds nothing he sticks his fingers down his throat, because that's the only thing he can think of. Yixing feels his stomach churn and the vomit is stuck behind flowers that are suffocating him. He hits his gut, where his diaphragm is, and nothing. He clenches his fist and hits himself again, nothing. Yixing knows he's too weak, his body is slouching to the floor, the lack of oxygen is winning over his panicked adrenaline rush. He takes both of his hands and hits his diaphragm as hard as he can muster, and finally a clump of petals and flower buds and sick come up his throat and onto the floor. He collapses to his side on the cold tiles, gasping for air, and let's sobs shake his body. His chest is heaving as he pulls in gulps of air between his cries.

"I can't do this," Yixing cries, hugging himself. He's still light headed, and weak most of all. He pushes himself away from the mess on the floor and pulls himself up to his shaky feet with the help of the counter. Stars obscure his vision as he pushes his trembling hands away from the counter and moves himself to the kitchen. His grandmother's voice echoes in the back of his head.

_"Aiyo, Yixing-ah, those cellphones aren't trustworthy enough. Get a landline, just in case."_

He remembers her soft smile and the last hug she gave him. He promised he would, and he never broke a promise he made to his grandmother. The promise is sitting, blinking on his counter, just a few steps away. A few steps of open space and nothing to hold onto. Yixing pushes himself from the wall and stumbles, almost crashing headfirst into the counter. He doesn't, though, and grabs the phone off its stand before sliding down to the floor. With shaky fingers and blurry vision, he calls Zhixiang, he's full on sobbing by the time his friend answers the phone. Zhixiang tells him to breathe, which only makes Yixing cry harder. Yixing hears through his erratic breathing Zhixiang promise he'll be there in less than an hour, promise that Yixing will be okay. When the line cuts off Yixing lets the phone clatter to the floor and he lays down on his side, his hands covering his head. He's still sucking in air like it'll be his last breath, and truthfully, he's terrified it might be.

Yixing vaguely remembers hearing his name be called, then being lifted from the kitchen floor and carried to his bed. He's not really asleep, but his body won't let him do anything. His brain won't let him think.

 

"Yixing you need to go to the doctor," Zhixiang is sitting next to him, a bowl of broth in his hands for Yixing's wrecked throat. He lifts the spoon up to Yixing’s mouth and he takes it, welcoming the soothing warmth of the soup on his throat.

"I told you I didn't want to talk about it," Yixing rasps out, not really able to talk above a whisper. He doesn't want to go to the doctor, he doesn't want to die, he just wants this to all stop and go back to normal. Zhixiang feeds him another spoonful before switching the channel on the TV. The volumes too low to actually hear anything, but it provides a good distraction anyway.

Zhixiang sighs and puts the bowl aside. "Yixing you're going to die," he stresses, sounding worried. Yixing focuses on the TV and furrows his eyebrows.

"Don't you think I know that," Yixing spits, a lot harsher than he means to. "I don't care that I'm going to die."

"If you don't care then why did you call me at four in the morning sobbing your eyes out? If you don't care then why can't you tell anyone but me about the flowers, about any of this?"

"I don't care about me," Yixing shoots at Zhixiang. "I don't want to hurt anyone else." Yixing throws his hands in the air, frustrated. Zhixiang doesn't get it. He'll never get it. There will never be that tickle at the back of his throat, there will never be a worry about petals giving him away.

"What are you even saying, Yixing," Zhixiang shouts back, tone harsh and demanding. "You're going to let yourself fucking suffocate and leave your family behind? Your friends? Baekhyun? You don’t think this hurts me?"

"You don't fucking understand, Zhixiang. You don't know what it's like." Yixing's losing, he knows he is.

There's snow falling outside, Yixing can see it from his window. Winter has always been Baekhyun's second favorite season. It could be his first if cherry blossoms grew during the winter, but they don't. Spring is Baekhyun's favorite season. A breath of new life after a cold winter. The flowers and the trees and the people come back to life. Baekhyun always liked the smell of the new life coming into the world. Yixing always thought it was a bit cheesy, that it made Baekhyun sound like a hopeless romantic.

The snow is sticking to his window and sliding down slowly, piling up on the pane. It'll melt again soon, but the temporary barrier piles up slowly. Slow enough that no one can see it's happening until it's hours later and you can't see out half of your window. Snow is sneaky like that.

Yixing sort of wishes that things were easy like the seasons. One leaves so another can take its place. It's constant and it's meant to happen. That loving someone was easier than this, but it snuck up on him, just like piling snow.

Fall has always been Yixing's favorite season. He loves the way the air smells, the sound of leaves crunching under his shoes as he walks to class. The changing colors. Baekhyun always tells him how Fall is a bit sad. It kills everything slowly, and it makes it look beautiful. He always says that people find beauty in things dying, and that's why people like Fall, that it's a little pitiful. Yixing would agree if he didn't love the short season so much. Maybe there is something heartbreaking about it, it's still beautiful to Yixing.

"No, I don't, but you're going to let yourself die because you can't fucking man up and tell Baekhyun you love him." Zhixiang gets off the bed and pulls on his shoes. He's leaving, he's had enough of Yixing. Yixing can't say he's surprised. "It's pathetic, Yixing."

"What?" Yixing's heart thumps a little too loud in his ears. His hands fidget in his lap, he didn't want this, he didn't mean for this to happen.

"Do you think this is fucking romantic? This isn't Romeo and Juliet, Yixing." Zhixiang breathes out through his nose and looks at Yixing sitting on his bed, looks at the petals that are scattered on the floor, and shakes his head. "This is real life, not some drama, and if you are seriously going to let yourself suffocate to death because you're too caught up in your feelings for someone to put yourself first for once, then leave me out of it. I'm not going to sit here and watch my friend die. I'm not going to let you think your choice is right by staying here to coddle you." Zhixiang pulls on his coat and stares at Yixing, or through him, like he's waiting for him to give in. Like he wants Yixing to tell him he's right. Yixing knows he's right. This isn't Romeo and Juliet. Baekhyun would never harm himself because of Yixing dying, would he?

"Even if I told him I loved him... If he still doesn't love me back, it wouldn't matter. I'd still die anyway," Yixing mumbles and looks down at his hands in his lap. Zhixiang scoffs and mumbles a 'whatever' under his breath. He walks out of Yixing's bedroom, slams the front door, and Yixing is all alone again.

Yixing takes in a deep breath and lets tears fall from his eyes. He can't seem to control his tears anymore. With blurry vision, he picks up his laptop from the ground and searches for numbers of doctors who can help him. He leaves the tab open and sets his computer aside, he figures that's enough progress for now.

Yixing avoids Zhixiang and Baekhyun the rest of winter break.

 

 

"Yixing?" Baekhyun's voice comes through the phone speaker, confused. Classes start again in two days and Yixing figures detaching himself from everyone won't help his classes go any smoother. Mostly he just misses his best friend.

"Hey, uh, are you busy?" Yixing shifts back and forth on his feet outside of Baekhyun's apartment building. Snow is still covering the ground, but the sky is a lot less gray. It'll warm up soon, hopefully. Spring will come and make everyone happy again.

"I... Um, I have someone over, but you can come join us if you'd like," Baekhyun sounds unsure, worried, hesitant even. Yixing know it's because of himself, how he ignored calls and left messages on read, how he wouldn't answer his door and slipped out of the diner after his shifts were over when he knew Baekhyun was looking for him.

Yixing looks down at the wet ground and frowns a little, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. "I'll just... I'll catch you later, yeah? I don't want to intrude."

"You're not intruding, Yixing."

Yixing laughs softly and walks away from Baekhyun's apartment building. Maybe next time.

"I'll see you tomorrow, or something. It's fine."

Yixing can hear Baekhyun moving around, maybe going to another room.

"Are you okay? Why haven't you been answering my calls? Or my texts, or the door. Did I do something?" Yixing can practically hear the frown Baekhyun must be wearing through the speaker.

"I want to talk to you alone about it. And in person," Yixing sighs and walks along the sidewalk back to his building. "We'll talk soon. Promise."

Baekhyun hesitates, "Alright. Soon, please. I miss you."

Yixing's eyes sting and he blinks away the tears that are begging to fall. He's cried too much lately. "I'm sorry. I miss you, too."

"I'll text you when I'm free."

"Okay," Yixing says softly. The line goes dead, and he drops his hand from his ear. Yixing walks the rest of the way back to his apartment in silence, wondering if this is a good idea or not.

Baekhyun texts Yixing while he's getting ready for work later on. He asks if tomorrow is fine, Yixing says it is.

 

Baekhyun is late. He's not really that late, but Yixing forgot he had to work tonight, so he's kind of late.

Yixing pulls his work shirt on over his head and adjusts it in the mirror. It's permanently stained from the food he works with in the kitchen, and it's getting a little too big on him, he's lost weight. Yixing pokes at his cheeks, they're less full than they used to be. He sighs and looks away from his reflection.

There's a knock at his door, he barely catches it, really. It's quiet and hesitant, like someone who's never been here before. Yixing knows who it is, and he half expects Baekhyun to let himself in, to be loud and happy and boisterous. He doesn't. Yixing musses his hair before exiting his bathroom and walking to his front door.

When he opens it, Baekhyun is half facing away from the door, like he's debating on whether he should leave or not. Yixing sees Baekhyun sigh out and Yixing steps back to let him in.

"Hey," Baekhyun mumbles, kneading his hands together. Nervous tick. He's standing off to the side of the living room; Yixing still hasn't replaced his broken futon.

"Do... Do you want tea?" Yixing shuts the door quietly and Baekhyun shakes his head, his brows furrowed. Yixing walks to the kitchen, hoping Baekhyun will follow him, and thankfully he does.

Baekhyun leans against the wall, like he's ready to run if he needs to. Yixing takes a place against his counter. There's silence. Heavy, crushing, suffocating silence. Baekhyun has never been silent. Yixing watches Baekhyun look everywhere but at him as he worries his bottom lip. Everything about this is defensive and awkward.

"Baekhyun," Yixing starts slowly, searching for the right words. How to explain with leaving out his biggest secret.

"Do you hate me?" Baekhyun rubs his hand on the side of his neck and shifts on his feet. He's worried, Yixing wants to cry.

"Why would you think I hated you?"

"I don't know, Yixing. Maybe because you ignored all of my calls and my texts for a month and a half. You wouldn't answer the door when I knocked," Baekhyun snaps, his voice rising and his fists tugging at his sleeves. "You ran the opposite direction whenever you fucking saw me. I thought you were dead for a fucking week. I was going to call the police but Minnie- But I decided not to. I was fucking scared, Yixing."

Baekhyun still hasn't looked up at Yixing, but he can hear the tears in his voice. Yixing wants Baekhyun to yell at him, he deserves it.

"I'm sorry," Yixing whispers.

"You're sorry?" Baekhyun snaps his head up to glare at Yixing. "That's it? Yixing you're supposed to be my best friend and all you can say is 'I'm sorry'?"

Baekhyun waits for Yixing to say something, he has nothing to give.

"Jesus Christ, Yixing. Give me fucking something. Tell me you hate me, tell me that you're sick of me and you never want to see me again so I can leave." Tears are brimming at Baekhyun's eyes, threatening to spill. There's an 'I love you' on the tip of Yixing's tongue. Yixing can tell that Baekhyun wants this to be easy, but it's anything but.

"I don't hate you," Yixing says, rubbing his fingers on his throat. "I don't hate you, I don't want you to leave. I deserve every nasty thing you want to say to me right now. I was a shitty friend to you."

"Why can't you just hate me," Baekhyun whispers and wipes the back of his hand on his wet cheeks. Baekhyun always cries when he's angry, Yixing's thankful Baekhyun feels anything towards him at all. 

_Because I love you so fucking much I literally can't breathe._

"Because... Because you're my best friend."

"Why didn't you answer my calls," Baekhyun sniffles and takes in a deep breath. Yixing wants him to keep yelling.

"I couldn't," is all Yixing supplies. Baekhyun breathes out and stares at him.

"Why didn't you answer the door?"

"I couldn't."

"Yixing..."

"I'm sorry." Yixing wipes at his mouth. He can't tell Baekhyun anything. He realizes that now.

Baekhyun pushes himself off of the wall and stuffs his hands in his pockets, his eyes boring holes into Yixing. "You can't really expect me to just forgive you, Yixing. You can't expect that saying, 'I'm sorry' will magically fix everything. I'm so... I don't even know." He shakes his head and turns away from Yixing.

Yixing watches Baekhyun pace the length of his kitchen; waits for Baekhyun to leave him standing there.

Yixing glances at the clock, it's almost time for him to leave for work.

"Maybe... Maybe we can-" Yixing starts, but Baekhyun cuts him off.

"I don't want to do anything with you."

"Okay," Yixing nods a little, staring at the floor.

"Why don't you just tell me what's going on, Yixing." Baekhyun's voice sounds almost pleading. He shakes his head this time.

"There's nothing going on." Nothing at all.

"You've always been a shitty liar," Baekhyun scoffs and shakes his head. "When you decide to stop being an asshole, come find me. But until then, don't bother."

Baekhyun walks out of Yixing's kitchen, through his living room, out the front door. The door doesn't slam, it closes quietly, even quiet for Baekhyun.

Yixing sucks in a breath and lets the tears fall from his eyes as he kneels down and hugs his knees to his chest. He cries quietly into his pants until his phone buzzes in his pocket. He wants it to be from Baekhyun, he knows it won't be.

It's someone from work calling. He's late.

He apologizes and promises to be in soon, just a few minutes, he says he lost track of time. Yixing wipes the wetness off his face and hopes his eyes aren't too puffy.

 

Yixing doesn't talk to Baekhyun for two more weeks.

 

The snow is almost all gone, but it's still cold, chilling Yixing to his bones. The winds whip around him as he walks to his class. The campus looks a lot different when Yixing walks through it alone. He notices more groups of people walking together, he notices how groups break apart when someone is walking towards them just to huddle back together after they've passed. He notices how dirty everything looks, how completely empty everything is.

"Hey!" A voice calls from behind Yixing, he ignores it, figuring it's not for him. "Wait!"

A person jogs up next to Yixing and slows to his pace. They were calling for him, apparently.

"Hey," the boy huffs out next to him with a small smile. "You're in my music theory class, right?"

Yixing looks over at the boy, and he can't say he seems familiar, but considering that's where he's heading, he must be right.

"Um..."

"You probably don't recognize me." He laughs, smile wide and bright. No rectangular shape to this one, though. "I sit behind you a few rows."

The boy shrugs next to him and adjusts his bag on his shoulders.

"Anyway, I saw you walking alone and thought you'd like someone to walk with." The boy sticks out his hand and Yixing takes it, shaking it lightly as a greeting. "I'm Kasper."

"Yixing," he mumbles and burrows his nose deeper into his scarf. He half expects Kasper to awkwardly walk away, but he doesn't. He even sits next to Yixing during the lecture, walks out with him, suggests they get coffee together. Yixing doesn't really say no, but he doesn't say yes either.

He finds himself in a small cafe off campus, somewhere he's definitely never been before. There's a girl singing some old love song on stage, even at two in the afternoon this place seems like somewhere he'd find himself drinking soju, not coffee. Kasper is sitting across from him, watching the girl sway behind her microphone stand, his fingers dancing on the table along to the words. The song comes to a close and the girl blushes under the attention she receives. It's cute, Kasper seems to think it's cute as well. He chuckles across from Yixing as the waitress brings them their teas. Yixing immediately wraps his fingers around the warm cup and sighs as the heat seeps through his skin.

"Still cold?" Kasper asks as he blows on the tea to cool it down, fingers beginning to dance again on the table as the girl starts to sing again.

"A little, yeah," Yixing nods and takes a small sip of the hot drink. The warmth spreads in his chest and he sighs, closing his eyes momentarily. "I get cold easily, and usually stay cold."

Kasper hums and nods as he takes a drink of his own tea. Yixing looks away from Kasper and wills himself to stay awake. The amount of sleep he's getting is becoming less and less lately. Yixing assumes it has something to do with his anxiety that's crawling under his skin.

"You don't talk much," Kasper speaks up and catches Yixing's attention, even if momentarily. He doesn't sound patronizing, just trying to make conversation.

"Ah, I'm usually not like this. I'm just tired, sorry," Yixing feels his neck heat up as he looks down at his hands. He feels his stomach twist in embarrassment, but then again, he's never been good at making friends.

Kasper waves his hand in dismissal and laughs softly. "Nah, don't apologize. Uni is tiring, you probably have a job on top of it, too."

Yixing lets his lips turn up at Kasper's kindness, to let him know he's appreciative. Kasper really seems nice, and Yixing wishes that the circumstances were different. He knows that he'll let the friendship fall through just because of the state of his own health. He knows Kasper won't want a one-sided friendship, and he'll let whatever he wanted from Yixing fade away because it'll be what's easiest. Yixing has already accepted that fact. He really doesn't even expect to see Kasper after today, not outside of the lecture hall, at least.

"Everything has been sort of hectic lately, but this is a nice break from it. Even if it's only a one-time thing." Yixing tries not to come off rude, or that he only wants this to be a one-time thing. He just knows the inevitable.

"Who says this has to be a one-time thing?" Kasper raises his eyebrows, tips his head to the side with a small smile on his lips and Yixing can't tell if he's flirting or not. "You make nice company."

"Oh. I–I didn't mean it like that," Yixing stumbles over his words, embarrassed that he was misunderstood.

Kasper laughs and Yixing looks up at him, his brows pulling together. Kasper looks amused at Yixing's floundering.

"It's okay, really." Kasper smiles again, genuine and wide. Yixing relaxes a little and sighs out. The girl on the stage makes herself known again as she hits a beautiful note that makes Yixing’s skin prickle with goosebumps.

"Why'd you, uh, ask me to come here? Or–I don't really know what this is if I'm being honest." Yixing wipes his palms on his jeans and watches as a waitress comes to refill their tea. Kasper smiles up at her and she smiles back and bumps her hip into his side.

"You we're walking alone, and it's cold, and you seem nice," Kasper says as he leans back in his chair and shrugs. "Plus, you always have some other guy with you and I didn't really feel like intruding when he was there."

Yixing's gut twists a little and he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, worrying it just at the mention of Baekhyun. He nods as he takes a sip of his tea, it burns his tongue a little, but he ignores it.

"You're not like... Some kind of weird stalker, right?"

Kasper laughs loudly at Yixing's question and it draws attention to their table. Yixing feels his cheeks heat up and Kasper's across from him laughing into his hand oblivious to everyone else around them.

"I'm not a stalker, I swear. Just a student."

The girl onstage closes another song and thanks the crowd, bowing several times before walking down the steps on the side of the stage and disappears to the back. Yixing claps along with Kasper until someone else comes up onstage to get ready for whoever else is coming to sing next.

Yixing watches Kasper's fingers dance on the table again and feels the tap of his foot under the table. He's lean and strong with long legs and it doesn't take much for Yixing to put two and two together.

"Do you dance?" Yixing watches as Kasper stops his fingers on the dark wood and hears him chuckle softly.

"Sorry, was that annoying? Bad habit." Kasper tucks his hands away into his jacket and Yixing shakes his head quickly.

"No, no. Not annoying. I just used to do the same thing a lot when I danced, so I assumed..."

Yixing sees Kasper's eyes light up as he sits forward, leaning into the table a little bit. The mention of dance pulls Kasper in, with wide eyes and a gummy smile, Yixing can almost feel the excitement radiating off him. "You dance?"

"Used to," Yixing corrects. "In high school, I did."

"Oh? Why don't you anymore?" Kasper frowns a little bit, but the happiness is still there. Yixing is a little envious. He remembers being the same way. He remembers talking with the same fervor about dancing with Baekhyun when he'd ask about it. It brings an unwanted wave of nostalgia along with it.

"I hurt my waist really bad in practice, I had to stop for months and just never picked it back up because no one would let me show my full potential in case I got hurt again," Yixing sighs a little and leans back into his chair. He does miss it, but he doubts he'd be able to pick it up again. Especially with his lungs being filled with flowers. Baekhyun always tried to push Yixing to pick it up again, but his grandmother was always sending him worried looks when he'd come home sore and one day she broke down and he decided he couldn't do that to her. Even if he was better, his grandmother didn't seem to think so.

"You're fine now though, right?" Kasper raises his eyebrows and Yixing nods. "That was probably like three years ago, why don't you start again?"

Before Yixing can open his mouth, the girl who was singing earlier comes up to their table and kisses Kasper on the cheek. It takes Yixing off guard for a moment and he frowns, but Kasper is smiling up at her with fondness in his eyes. She pulls out a chair to sit down at their table and takes a drink of Kasper's tea.

"Now, Jieun, shouldn't you introduce yourself first?" Kasper pokes her cheek and she raises her eyebrows, looking over the rim of the cup and flushes a little when she notices Yixing sitting across from her.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I'm Lee Jieun!" She sticks out her hand waiting for Yixing to take it. Yixing does, to be polite even though he finds it weird. It's something only his father did with business men from outside of Korea and China.

"Zhang Yixing," Yixing smiles and bows his head slightly to her still. "You sounded really good up there."

Jieun flushes at the compliment and Kasper laughs next to her, warm and full.

"She did, didn't she?" He sounds proud, Yixing is a bit jealous. "My Jieunnie is a beautiful singer. She's going to be a star one day, and I'll be her back up dancer, because her legs have a mind of their own."

"Kasper!" Jieun squeaks out and swats at Kasper's arm, who fake pouts and rubs where she hit him. "Oh, stop it, you big baby." She rolls her eyes but pats his arm anyway, comforting him. Yixing looks away, feeling a bit out of place.

"Yixing-ssi dances too, Jieunnie." Kasper's eyes light up again, almost like a little kid on Christmas. Yixing is grateful for the change from the slightly overbearing affection they have between each other.

"Used to," Yixing adds gently and Kasper rolls his eyes.

"Well, he still should be."

"Are you any good?" Jieun leans forward, curiosity clear on her face as she props her chin up on the palm of her hand. Her eyes are wide and shiny and really very pretty.

"I mean, I was when I did dance. I doubt I am anymore, though." Yixing shrugs and takes the last sip of his now cool tea. Jieun hums and drums her fingers on the dark wood of the table. It's less dancing like Kasper's fingers and more just rhythmic tapping. Never once going off the beat she set for herself.

"I think he should come to the studio, Kasper," Jieun speaks up finally and looks over to her friend next to her.

"Ah? No, no. I don't want to intrude or anything like that." Yixing feels something bubbling in his chest, he can't tell if it's anxiety or excitement. He waves his hands in the air trying to dismiss the invitation, he hardly even knows either of them.

"I think that's a wonderful idea, Jieunnie." Kasper sits forward and claps his hands together. "You're coming with us."

Before Yixing can protest further his teas are being paid for and he's being pulled out of his chair and out into the cold late winter air. He wraps his scarf tighter around himself and shoves his hands into his pockets as he follows Jieun and Kasper down the sidewalk. He's off to the right of Kasper, and Jieun is on his left, clinging to his arm, laughing brightly. Her cheeks are tinted pink from the cool air. Yixing hates that it reminds him of Baekhyun.

It doesn't take long to get to their studio, which isn't much, not that Yixing expected much. They're only uni students after all. As he stomps the wetness off his shoes in the door way he looks around at the open room. There's a sound system in the far corner, three of the four walls covered in mirrors, a bar along one of them, high ceilings. It reminds him of a smaller version of what he worked in in high school.

Kasper's already off fiddling with the sound system in the back and Jieun is sitting on top of the counter near the entrance, watching Kasper and smiling.

"How long have you guys um..." Yixing trails off and looks between Jieun and Kasper. Jieun laughs and shakes her head.

"No, no, no. It's not like that. He's my childhood best friend. Practically my brother," Jieun explains through giggles and Yixing mumbles an 'oh'. "Don't worry, we get that all the time."

The music blares through the small room before Yixing can say anything else to embarrass himself, and he's grateful for it. He looks over to where Kasper is standing in the middle of the room before the mirrors, jumping and shaking out his limbs. Yixing sets his bag down to the side and watches Kasper go through his stretching. It's not long before another new song is starting, and Kasper starts actually dancing.

To say Yixing is amazed is a bit of an understatement. Every move that Kasper makes is fluid and precise. It's like he's made of water and Yixing can't help but let his mouth hang open a little bit. The most incredible part about it is that he's laughing while he does it all, like it's no big deal, like it's another warm up. Honestly, Kasper was more serious during his stretching.

"C'mon Yixing! Join me," Kasper calls over to him, but Yixing shakes his head. He'd only embarrass himself. It's been far too long. Jieun hops off the counter and pushes him forward toward Kasper, and Yixing's eyes go wide. "It'll be fun, don't worry so much."

He hears Jieun calling 'Go Yixing! Go Yixing!' from behind him and Kasper's looking at him with expectant eyes. The music is still blaring from the far end of the room, Yixing can't really back out now.

Yixing takes in a deep breath and exhales as he turns to face the mirror. His body is nowhere near what it used to be, he looks less full and hollower. Weak, even. He closes his eyes instead of looking at himself in the mirror and let's himself relax a little, bouncing on the balls of his feet and shaking his hands at his sides. He can do this.

He closes his eyes and lets the music take him away from everything, just like he used to. Yixing lets his limbs move to the beat of the music, albeit a little less graceful than Kasper. He feels the tension and worry fall off his shoulders and he opens his eyes to follow his reflection's movement in the mirror. His body rolls to the music, his feet move with a mind of their own, taking him far past the point of being humble, but not quite showing off.

By the time the song is over, Yixing's shirt is clinging to his sweaty back and he hears a two-person applause from Kasper and Jieun. He laughs lightly and thanks them both for their overflowing compliments.

"You never should've stopped dancing, Yixing," Kasper claps Yixing on the back as he grabs a towel and wipes the sweat off his forehead. "Seriously, you're amazing."

Yixing feels his cheeks heat up at the compliment, but thankfully his skin is already flush from the exertion. He thanks them both and more people walk in through the door, probably for a class. Yixing excuses himself and thanks Kasper and Jieun after exchanging numbers with them. Kasper makes him promise that he'll come to the studio and pick up dancing again.

Every muscle in Yixing's body is aching the next morning when he wakes up. He groans and pulls himself to the bathroom to run himself a bath to loosen his body up. Work is going to be hell that night and he knows it.

 

It's worse than expected, the rush never seems to end, and all of the orders are falling behind and Yixing's body is aching and cramping worse with each movement he makes. Everyone is yelling at each other in the kitchen, and Yixing thinks that if he ever had a reason to smoke, busy nights like this would be it.

Eventually it does end, and the few remaining employees close the diner up, all parting their different ways for the night. Yixing trudges home, his feet feel like lead and he's not entirely sure he'll make it home because he's that exhausted. He feels stray flurries hit his cheeks and catch on his eyelashes before melting quickly. Yixing can't wait for winter to be over, he's sick of feeling cold to his bones even if he's in a warm area.

Yixing yawns as he walks in the front door of his building and practically drags himself up the stairs to his apartment. He hears voices above him as he walks up, he figures it's some other tenant. Yixing is proven wrong when he hears a familiar voice and wills himself to finish the last remaining steps to his floor faster.

He hears Baekhyun before he sees him, he smells the alcohol too. He sighs to himself and rubs his hand down his face because Baekhyun is probably drunk because he went to a club and Yixing's apartment was the closest thing. As he digs his keys out of his pocket he catches part of the conversation that Yixing figured was between Baekhyun and Baekhyun's drunken imagination.

"Minseok, I said," Baekhyun’s voice snaps and there's shuffling. "Leave me alone!"

"Baekhyun, stop, you're drunk."

"Get your hands off me!" Baekhyun's voice is louder this time and Yixing's heart thumps in his chest, and panic rises up his throat. More shuffling and a small 'oof' come from down the hall. Yixing rushes towards the noise to see Baekhyun swaying with a bottle of alcohol in his hand and Minseok's hands on Baekhyun's shoulders.

"Baek, you're gonna fall, stop," Minseok sighs out, sounding exasperated and Baekhyun shoves his hands away.

"I said don't fucking touch me."

"Baekhyun?" Yixing looks between Baekhyun and Minseok, they both look a different kind of relieved.

"Oh, thank God you're here," Minseok starts, but Yixing glares at him and whatever he was going to say next falls into thin air. Yixing turns to Baekhyun who's eyes are puffy and his face flushed from the alcohol. He moves towards Yixing, clumsily, and grabs onto his wrist. Yixing forces himself not to pull his arm away. It has always been hard to stay mad.

"He followed me here, Xing. Fucking asshole is trying to torture me by making him see him after he dumped me," Baekhyun slurs, his tone meant to be angry, but the alcohol is making him sound whiny. Sure, Yixing has dealt with Drunk Baekhyun before, but never angry and hurt Drunk Baekhyun.

"Baekhyun, we weren't dating," Minseok says firmly from his spot opposite of them and Yixing turns to look at him, confused. Surely this is some kind of joke.

"What?"

"That fucking straight asshole led me on! I got a fucking-" Baekhyun hiccups and sways a little as he takes another gulp from the bottle. "Another mole! I loved him, and he let me think he loved me back!"

"Baekhyun, I never did that," Minseok sounds angry, like they've had this argument before. Yixing is more than lost, but he’s angry. He feels it in his chest and in his bones. It’s all selfish, really, because how could Baekhyun love everyone but him and they not love him back? Yixing is there, and he loves Baekhyun, and Baekhyun loves everyone else. "I never said I liked you. This isn't my fault."

"The hell it's not, Kim Minseok." Baekhyun shoves a finger in Minseok’s face who pushes it away. "Why are you even here you piece of shit. To rub it in my face some more?"

"This isn't my fucking fault! It's not my fault you think everyone is in love with you!"

"Shut the fuck up," Yixing glares at Minseok again, standing between him and Baekhyun. He’s never one to fight, ever.

"What? You gonna hit me?" Minseok challenges and Yixing clenches his jaw. He wants to.

Baekhyun moves around Yixing and shoves at Minseok. "Then why did you fucking kiss me!"

"I was drunk!"

"You fucking kissed me back, Minseok!" Baekhyun shoves him again and Minseok's back hits the wall behind him. “Every single time you kissed me you were drunk?”

"You came onto me you freak," Minseok shoves him back and Baekhyun stumbles back into Yixing, both of them shocked at Minseok's words.

"What?" Baekhyun whispers as Yixing pushes him aside and swings, his fist connecting with Minseok's jaw. Minseok stumbles, eyes wide with shock, like he didn’t expect Yixing to actually hit him. Yixing didn’t expect himself to hit him, either.

"Fuck you," Yixing seethes and punches him again before shoving Minseok down the hallway. "Do yourself a favor and don't fucking come here, and don't fucking talk to Baekhyun ever again."

Minseok hesitates for a moment, almost like he's going to come forward and swing at Yixing, but he must think better of it before wiping the blood from his mouth and going down the stairs.

"Fucking psychos," he calls as he disappears down the stairs and out the door of the building.

Yixing turns back to Baekhyun who's standing with his back pressed against the wall and eyes wide. He looks like he’s in shock, like he can’t process anything that just happened.

"Hyunnie?" Yixing whispers and reaches out for Baekhyun. Baekhyun's eyes focus as he looks over to Yixing with a small frown pulling down the corners of his mouth. "Hey... Come on. Come inside, okay?"

Baekhyun nods and follows Yixing inside his apartment quietly.

"I really didn't know," Baekhyun whispers as Yixing takes the bottle from his hand gently and pulls him into a hug.

"I know, Baekhyunnie." Yixing rubs his hand up and down Baekhyun's back slowly. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too."

Yixing pulls Baekhyun back to his bedroom and they fall asleep on top of his covers, legs tangled together and Baekhyun's face buried in Yixing's chest. It’s hard to stay mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> homophobia, drinking, vomiting.
> 
> As a forewarning I wrote this chapter leaning towards two years ago, I couldn't tell you exactly when, but it was a while ago. That being said, I do mention Jonghyun. It's only in passing and it's only once. I'm not going to say that this chapter is for him or anything like that given the content of the chapter itself, and that's just not something that I think is fair to him. I don't know why, but I couldn't get myself to change his name to someone else's, it didn't feel right to me? It's hard to explain. The part I mention Jonghyun is in the second set of italics, and it's short, but the part is kind of(?) important to the conversation that Baekhyun and his mother & Yixing have before and after the italics. But, he does not play a big part in this fic at all, he's just someone who's name I used.

Spring melts all of the snow away along with all the tension and bad feelings. The blooming flowers flutter in the warming air and in Yixing's chest from time to time. He's grown accustomed to the tickling feeling and it's not nearly as bad, but he knows that can only last for so long.

Yixing spends more and more time with Kasper and Jieun at the studio. He almost forgets that he's dying when he's there. It’s so easy to escape his turning mind when he has something to focus on. Sometimes, when he can, Baekhyun tags along and Yixing can tell that Kasper notices. It makes Yixing's gut twist nervously and his heart beat too hard in his chest, but he deals with it, because Kasper doesn't know everything.

Baekhyun of course, fits right in with everyone. With Kasper and Jieun and all the other dancers that frequent here. Yixing's not surprised. Baekhyun seems to fit in wherever he is, no matter the situation.

Kasper always has praises for Baekhyun and for how fast he catches on, and Baekhyun never flushes at the compliments that seem to pour out every day. Yixing smiles each time Baekhyun says thank you and bows with a shy smile to whomever it is telling him how wonderful he is.

"You like him, don't you?" Jieun hops up to sit on the counter next to where Yixing is sitting. She stares directly into Yixing's eyes with a look that makes Yixing think twice about lying.

"Who?" Yixing asks instead of answering and she glares at him, her arms crossed across her chest.

"Yixing, answer the question." The roll of her eyes is convincing enough.

Yixing sighs a little and looks over to where Baekhyun is laughing so hard he's holding his tummy and his eyes have long disappeared into crescents. It makes him smile and he can almost feel the petals shift in his lungs, like the flower is growing by the second.

He nods, not trusting himself not to cough up petals.

"Does he like you?" Jieun leans forward and rests her chin on the palm of her hand, looking up at Yixing who just shrugs.

"I don't think so."

She hums a little at his response and turns to watch Baekhyun fall to the floor and drag another one of their friends down with him. Everyone bursts into laughter and Yixing can't stop himself from joining in. Yixing is glad to see him happy again; glad to see Baekhyun again in general.

"Xingie! Come join us!" Baekhyun calls to him through his laughter and a few other people agree with Baekhyun and beckon Yixing over. Yixing shakes his head with an apologetic smile and Baekhyun pouts.

"I have to leave for work soon, I can't." Yixing watches Baekhyun groan and slump back down on the wooden floor.

"Traitor!" Kasper calls and Yixing rolls his eyes fondly.

"I think he does," Jieun says as Yixing's hopping off the counter and grabbing his bag from the floor amongst the others sitting in a pile.

Yixing looks up at her and tilts his head to the side, confused. "Huh?"

"Baekhyun. I think Baekhyun likes you back."

Yixing shakes his head and pulls on his coat and slings his bag over his shoulder. "I've known him a majority of my life, I know when he likes someone."

"Maybe you need an outside perspective," she shrugs and Yixing looks over to Baekhyun who's now looking determined to keep up with Kasper's new choreography.

"I doubt it." Yixing puts his hat on and shrugs. "I'm leaving! See everyone later," he calls over the music and everyone calls back half distracted farewells. Baekhyun pauses to look over at Yixing and wave goodbye with a boxy smile that makes Yixing a little light headed.

"Bye, Yixing," Jieun smiles and he waves to her as he walks out the door of the studio into the cool spring air.

Yixing inhales deeply, as deeply as the flowers let him, and it turns into a coughing fit. Tears spring into his eyes as the petals come up his throat and into his hand. He grimaces as he throws them into the nearest trash can.

 

Finals come and kick Yixing's ass, much like midterms had earlier that year. He finds himself falling asleep in the library and being woken up by Kasper or Baekhyun, or a number of his other friends from the studio. He drags himself through, Baekhyun trailing along not far behind him.

"Ah, seriously. There's no way this is humane," Baekhyun whines across the table from Yixing. Kasper and Jieun laugh gently at his misery, mostly out of sympathy.

"C'mon, it's just one more day," Jieun smiles at him and pats his shoulder lightly. "And plus, we all know you're going to do amazing no matter what. You're too smart not to."

Baekhyun snorts and Yixing takes a drink of his cold coffee. He can't wait until this year is over with.

 

"Yixing," Baekhyun mumbles into Yixing's side, half asleep in his own bed. "Yixing, come home with me this summer. Kas and Jieun, too. I don't want to be there without you."

Yixing mumbles, barely registering Baekhyun's words and falls asleep. Baekhyun follows immediately after.

Yixing dreams of flowers a lot, he knows why, but these flowers are all beautiful. Soft to the touch and they curl towards the sunlight that shines above him. His own flowers are harsh and scary, they fill his lungs and pull him further under each day. His flowers don't get sunlight, but they grow and grow, unrelenting and unforgiving.

 

"So, you did fine?" Baekhyun asks around a mouthful of noodles and Yixing grimaces. Baekhyun has the decency to at least wipe his face with a napkin and not the back of his hand.

"Yeah, as fine as I could, I guess," Yixing sighs and shrugs. He passed, and that's what matters.

"We leave in two days."

"Are you ready?"

"Mentally? No. Physically? Also no."

Yixing laughs and shakes his head, Baekhyun has been putting off packing until the last minute. Just like he always does.

 

_"Baekhyun-ah? Where are you going?" Yixing spun around in Baekhyun's huge room, a lot of his clothes packed away into suitcases. It gave Yixing an uneasy feeling._

_"I'm not leaving, Xing. Don't worry," Baekhyun had smiled and hopped up on his messy bed. Yixing sat down next to him with a frown on his face._

_"It looks like you're leaving." Yixing wrung his hands in his lap. He knew what this looked like, he'd seen it in his own house plenty of times. Although he had a lot more boxes, less suitcases._

_"Not for permanent."_

_"No?"_

_"No," Baekhyun had leaned his head on Yixing's shoulder, who immediately leaned his head back on top of Baekhyun's. "Just going to our summer house."_

_"Summer house?" Yixing searched his brain for the unfamiliar word, but nothing came up._

_"It's just a house we go to over summer break. Like a vacation, but it's the same every year.”_

_Yixing nodded slowly and chewed on his bottom lip quietly. Baekhyun would be gone all summer? He wouldn't have any friends to play with, he'd have to help his Grandmother with the chores all day. He was surely going to die._

_"You have to go?"_

_Baekhyun nodded and sighed dramatically, flopping back onto his fluffy bed. "I hate going, it's all old people and fancy dinner parties. The adults talk about, like, taxes or something and all their kids are snooty and stuck up. They're not fun like you, Xingie."_

_"I'm sorry, Hyunnie. I wish you didn't have to go. I'm going to be stuck helping Grandmother with chores while you're gone." Yixing flopped back alongside his friend and stared at the glow in the dark stars stuck to Baekhyun's ceiling. They were only a greenish color, though, because it was day time, but Yixing had counted them so many times before in the dark when he couldn't seem to fall asleep. There were 48 of them. For some reason, they reminded him of Changsha, and his mother, and his old home._

_"Maybe you can come with me next time," Baekhyun shrugged and held his hands above his head, pretending to grab at the green stars. His legs were kicking off the side of his bed, he always had to be moving._

_"Oh, I don't know..." Yixing played with the hem of his shirt and frowned again. That had to cost a lot of money, and he couldn't leave his Grandmother all alone, no matter how much he hated chores._

_"Grandmother would let you," Baekhyun had said, certain. "She loves me."_

_Yixing nodded slowly, because yeah, she loved Baekhyun as much as she loved Yixing._

_"Maybe I'll come next summer, then."_

 

 

The car that Baekhyun's parents send to pick them up is absolutely ridiculous. Baekhyun hates it. Yixing can see it in the way his nose scrunches up at the bridge slightly when the driver opens the back door for them and refuses to let Baekhyun and Yixing pack their bags into the trunk. It's a decently long drive, and Baekhyun had argued that they could drive, but lost anyway. He always has. So, they sent a car to pick them up at university and Baekhyun couldn't say a word about it.

"I'm sorry about all this," Baekhyun mumbles as they climb into the back of the car and Yixing tugs on the younger's ear gently.

"You don't need to be sorry, I know how your parents are." Yixing smiles, reassuring and Baekhyun nods a little. He's still tense and Yixing wishes there was a way he could resolve it. But this always came with going back to see Baekhyun's parents, just because he had to act a certain role, one that he hates.

Baekhyun runs his fingers through his newly black hair, dyed back to natural for his parents’ sake, and slumps into Yixing's side. Their fingers lace together easily and Yixing has to swallow down petals that inch their way up his throat.

Yixing wakes up when the car stops in the driveway of Baekhyun's oversized beach house. He glances out his window up at the building before turning back to brush his thumb against Baekhyun's cheek to wake him up. Baekhyun whines and curls further into Yixing, making him smile.

"Baekhyun-ah, wake up, we're here," Yixing all but coos and Baekhyun groans, peeking one eye open to look at Yixing.

"Wake me up with better news," he grumbles and Yixing laughs.

"Wake up, there's food inside waiting for us."

Baekhyun stretches out then and yawns. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and hums. "That's more like it."

Yixing follows Baekhyun inside, trying to fix his sleep crumpled shirt and pat down the stray hairs sticking up on the back of his head.

"Hi mom," Baekhyun smiles and hugs her, then shakes his father’s hand. Forced. “Dad.”

"Ah, Baekhyunnie, no girlfriend yet?" Baekhyun's mother tilts her head to the side and he watches Baekhyun shove his hands into his pockets. Uncomfortable.

"Mom," Baekhyun whispers, obviously tense, and she waves her hand, shooing him off to the side to greet Yixing with a warm smile and kisses on his cheeks.

"Of course, I'm always happy to see our Yixing." She fixes Yixing's bangs and Yixing lets her, not that he really has a choice. He's grateful for Baekhyun's family for how much they've helped him and his grandmother, but he always keeps them at an arms distance because of how they treat Baekhyun. Never the favorite child, always something wrong.

"I've missed you, auntie," Yixing smiles and Baekhyun's mother mirrors it. "You've been staying healthy?"

"Ah, don't worry about me." She pats Yixing's cheek fondly and lets Yixing greet Baekhyun's father with a bow. His father looks disinterested, but that's nothing uncommon. "You two go and eat."

Yixing follows Baekhyun into the dining room, it's just as big as he remembers. It's bright and imposing with all of the fine China in the corner curio cabinet and china cabinets lined along the walls and the chandelier hanging overhead. Baekhyun's parents have always been into showing their wealth in every way possible, the biggest and the best and the most expensive. Baekhyun began apologizing when he realized that it was a little overbearing and that Yixing didn't exactly come from money like he did. They were only ten, and Baekhyun already felt guilty for his parents’ flashiness.

The table in the middle of the room is stacked high with food, enough to feed a small army no doubt, and Yixing feels his stomach grumble at the sight. There's dumplings and bulgogi, bibimbap and bossam, gopchang jeongol, and samgyeopsal. Plates and bowls upon plates and bowls of seemingly unlimited food.

"Yixing, I know that we both mutually agreed to steer clear of my parents and everything involving them, but fuck, I'm so hungry." Baekhyun's looking over the food like he hasn't eaten in two weeks, and Yixing thinks he sees a little bit of drool at the corner of his mouth. It's a little cute.

Yixing inhales deeply and all he smells is delicious food. His stomach rumbles and he places his hand over it. "Screw it."

"Screw it," Baekhyun agrees and grabs chopsticks from the table, stuffing a dumpling into his mouth. "Ah! Ah! Hot!"

Yixing laughs as Baekhyun pants around the dumpling in his mouth, trying to get his food to cool down, and grabs a pair of chopsticks for himself and follows Baekhyun's lead. Albeit a little more cautiously.

Eventually they settle in bar stools in the kitchen, their stomachs stuffed full to the brim with meat and noodles. Baekhyun has his head resting on the marble countertop, his cheek squished against the smooth rock. He groans as he reaches out to grab a rice cake, his hand fumbles around the mostly empty plate before he finally grabs a small pink colored one. "If I eat this, my stomach is going to explode, and I am going to die." Baekhyun shoves the honey filled treat in his mouth and his eyes water.

"That's a bit sadistic, Baekhyun," Yixing mutters, his own cheek smushed in the palm of his hand. He watches Baekhyun force himself to swallow, and it makes him want to gag a little bit. If he moves he'll probably throw up.

"It's a good way to go." The younger rubs his stomach slowly with his free hand. "Death by delicious food."

"I'm going to go into a food coma."

"Do you think you dream when you're in a coma?"

"Baekhyun," Yixing rests his hand on his throat to keep from burping. "I'm too inebriated by food for thinking questions."

Half an hour later Yixing pulls a half sleeping Baekhyun from his barstool and drags him up the stairs to his massive bedroom. They simultaneously collapse into Baekhyun's bed and don't bother changing clothes before falling asleep.

 

"Is Baekbeom coming?" Baekhyun's voice comes from the other side of the door and Yixing stays a quiet as possible. He feels like he's a little kid again, like he's up past his bedtime and if he gets caught he'll be scolded. He stares up at the high ceilings of Baekhyun's room and listens.

"Does it matter? I don't know why you hate your brother so much, Baekhyun." Baekhyun's mother's sickly-sweet voice follows and Yixing pulls his lips into his mouth.

"I don't hate him, mother."

"Ever since he told us what you did with that Yifan boy, you two haven't been as close."

Yixing can practically feel Baekhyun tense up, hear the small intake of breath.

"Nothing happened between me and Yifan," Baekhyun mumbles out, and Yixing can barely make out what he said. He sits up slowly, resting his back against the headboard of the bed and closes his eyes.

"That's not what your brother said." His mother sounds patronizing.

"He misunderstood."

"You've gotten a lot better now that you're off at university." Yixing swallows and exhales slowly. "I hope you're not fooling around with Yixing. You know how negatively that would affect our family, sweetie."

"I'm not, mother."

Yixing squeezes his eyes shut until he sees tiny white dots of light and wishes to all the stars, glow in the dark or not, to send Baekhyun's mother away.

"Good. Going to that summer camp must've really helped you."

"It must have."

Yixing wants to cry, a little. He remembers what Baekhyun was like after he returned that summer. He was different, and it took months to get him to even be comfortable with any person sitting close to him again. It took months for Baekhyun to really come back.

Yixing had received letters with inky words running down the page from Baekhyun's tears. The blurry lines burned into his mind.

_"Yixing-ah you have another letter from Baekhyunnie," Yixing's grandmother called from the kitchen after she got back from the market. Yixing had shot up from where he was reading on his bed and ran towards the sound of her voice._

_The letter was laying on the counter, a bit crumpled from the delivery. Yixing had grabbed it and tore it open with shaky hands and a worried heart. The last letter he'd received was vague and sad. Mostly just saying Baekhyun missed everyone back home._

_ Yixing, _

__

_ How are you? You're good, right? I'm glad you got my last letter. Don't worry about me, I'm fine, I swear. I just really miss you all. I want to come home and play video games and eat my weight in jjangmyeon.  _

_ We're starting to do proper etiquette exercises here; did you know that there’s like a billion different forks for a meal? We're not supposed to stand too close to each other either. They say talking too loudly is bad, which means I’m screwed. We're only supposed to speak when spoken to. This place is like my own personal hell. _

_ I got in trouble for talking to my roommate Jonghyun before meal time yesterday. I was sent to my room without supper. What else are you supposed to do while waiting for food? It was dumb. _

_ I have a set bedtime here, I'm sixteen and I have a bedtime that's before 10:30pm again. It got pushed earlier to 9:00pm because I held hands with my friend Jisoo. He didn't mind, but the director did. Jisoo told them that I forced him to hold hands, so he wouldn't get in trouble too. I understand why he did, so I'm not mad. _

_ Anyway, I'm up past my bedtime writing this because I miss you a lot. I hope Grandmother is doing well. Tell her I said I miss her. _

_ I should go. Stay healthy, I'll be home before you know it. _

_ Sincerely, Byun Baekhyun _

_Yixing folded the tear stained letter and slipped it back into its envelope, leaving it to rest on the counter. He went over to where his grandmother was standing at the sink washing vegetables and leaned into her side. Yixing picked up a knife and helped chop up the already washed food for their supper slowly, a frown furrowed deep on his face._

_"Penny for your thoughts?" His grandmother had asked handing him sweet peppers._

_"I'm just thinking about Baekhyun's letter." Yixing had shrugged._

_"What else, come on." She urged and Yixing had sighed softly._

_“I just think that he might be having a hard time." Yixing moved onto chopping onions. "I’m worried that he’s not telling me everything."_

_"Hmm." His grandmother had hummed, draining the spinach. "Maybe you're just over worrying. You do that sometimes."_

_Yixing shook his head and chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Maybe, I guess. But what if I’m right?"_

_His grandmother had never replied, only busying herself with making them supper for that night._

_Baekhyun had come back a nervous wreck, and it took Yixing weeks to get Baekhyun to tell him what happened there._

 

"No, Baekbeom isn't coming this summer, he's too caught up with work. You know he's taking over your father's business."

"I know." Baekhyun sounds relieved and stressed all at the same time.

"There's always time for you to tell your father you want to be a part of it too."

"No thank you, I've already made up my mind."

A sigh from Baekhyun's mother. "Alright sweetie, get back to bed now. There's a brunch we have to attend tomorrow, and I want you looking your best."

"Goodnight, mom, I love you."

A too long beat of silence.

"Hmm? Yes, love you too, darling."

Yixing sits up fully in the bed as the door opens slowly and the hallway light pools in the dark room momentarily.

"Why're you awake?" Baekhyun mumbles, toeing off his shoes and taking off his blazer he wore to the dinner that night. Yixing opted to stay back at the house, feigning a stomach ache. Truthfully, the flowers in his chest wouldn’t stop coming up his throat and he was worried what might happen.

"I couldn't fall asleep." Yixing waits for Baekhyun to dress in his pajamas before he speaks again. "Are you alright? I heard..."

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm fine."

"Baekhyun."

Baekhyun crawls under the covers and pulls them over his head like he did when they were younger. Yixing pulls the covers over his own head and lays back down, facing Baekhyun in the dark. He can only make out the vague outline of him under the dark blankets. Baekhyun takes in a deep shaky breath and exhales slowly.

"I'm fine," Baekhyun whispers.

"You're not." Yixing reaches out slowly, careful not to poke Baekhyun in the eye. When his hand finds Baekhyun's cheek, he feels hot tears on his fingertips. "Hey, no, don't do that. Baekhyun, come here."

Yixing reaches out further and pulls Baekhyun closer by the back of his neck, their legs tangling together, and the younger's face buried in the fabric of Yixing's shirt. He cards his fingers through Baekhyun's hair slowly, massaging his scalp.

"Why does she always bring it up," Baekhyun sniffles and Yixing shakes his head, moving his hand down Baekhyun's back to rub soothing circles there.

"I don't know, but it doesn't matter. We're going to have a good time while I'm here no matter what. And an even better time when Kasper and Jieun are here with us, too," Yixing talks into the hair on top of Baekhyun's head, a muffled whisper for only them to hear. "Don't let her get to you."

"You're right, yeah." Baekhyun takes in a deep breath again, this time less shaky, and scrubs at his eyes with his fist. "I won't listen to her, she doesn't understand, and it doesn't matter."

Yixing doesn't sleep much, his mind is going a million miles an hour and the flower in his chest feels like it's growing thorns and piercing his lungs. He knows it has something to do with the fact that Baekhyun is curled into his side. Just as the sun is peaking into Baekhyun's window Yixing's petals finally stop threatening to come up and he lets himself close his eyes for a few hours until Baekhyun wakes him up to get ready for the brunch.

 

"You leave in a few days," Baekhyun points out, the pout in his tone far from subtle. He flips through a restaurant menu as he sits across from Yixing at a booth. "That means we have to do something exciting."

Yixing slouches back against the cheap leather of his seat and groans a little. "Baekhyun we've been doing something every single day since we've got here. Can't we just relax for one day?”

Baekhyun scoffs and rolls his eyes, setting down the menu to look at Yixing. Yixing knows that his attempt was futile, but it was worth a shot anyway.

"That's not what vacation is about, Xing. Absolutely not."

Maybe, Yixing thinks, Baekhyun is trying to make up for all the time they weren't around each other during the school year. It makes a twinge of pain rise in his chest. He feels guilty, and he's tried apologizing, but Baekhyun will never have any of it. He says it's in the past and he's moved on, Yixing's just waiting for it to come back and bite him in the ass like it should.

"Okay, since you don't know that the point of a vacation is actually relaxing, then what do you suggest my amazing tour guide-slash-best friend-slash-insatiable adventurer?" Yixing takes a sip of his water and watches the gears turn in Baekhyun's head as he shifts through the millions of ideas in his mind.

"Well, we could get ice cream one day," Baekhyun hums, tapping his first finger on his lips. "But at this rate I think we might develop lactose intolerance, so maybe not." He looks out the restaurant window, like there's going to be a big flashing sign with an answer for him. Yixing smiles a little and waits patiently, knowing that they've done practically everything they can do.

Baekhyun turns back to Yixing with a glint in his eye and a shit eating grin slowly spreading across his face.

"Oh no," Yixing mumbles.

"Oh, yes."

"Give me the worst."

Yixing can actually see Baekhyun's deep inhale before launching into his idea.

"Noraebang." Is all Baekhyun says, it's a bit anticlimactic, but Yixing still feels like melting into a puddle.

"Absolutely not," Yixing deadpans. Baekhyun whines and stomps his feet a little under the table.

"Oh, come on! It'll be fun!"

"Not happening. Nope, no, no way, negative."

"No-rae-bang. No-rae-bang! No-rae-bang," Baekhyun chants, getting louder and louder with each syllable. His fists are banging on the table and he's causing nothing less than a scene. People are starting to look in their direction and Baekhyun's chant is only getting louder.

"God, okay! Okay, just shut up!" Yixing whispers waving his hands in front of Baekhyun's face like it'll magically help the situation somehow. Baekhyun laughs loudly and grabs Yixing's hands, squeezing them in his own.

"You're going to have the most fun you've ever had in your whole life," Baekhyun promises and Yixing groans.

"I hate noraebang."

"No, you think you hate noraebang. You just haven't gone with the right people."

"I've only ever gone with you," Yixing shakes his head and takes another drink of his water.

"Well, then you weren't feeling well."

"I wasn't drunk enough." Yixing calls over the waitress to order their food. "I don't think I'll ever be drunk enough for that."

"We'll see," Baekhyun smirks and Yixing knows that he's completely screwed.

 

Yixing has never been more drunk in his whole entire life. He can't really see straight, he definitely can't walk straight, he's not straight in any sense of the word.

"Baekhyun-ah," Yixing leans into his best friend's side and hiccups a little. "Baekhyun-ah, I'm so gay."

Baekhyun giggles and stretches out his fingers in front of him. "Me too."

"Do I look gay?"

The atmosphere turns serious as Baekhyun sits up and looks to examine Yixing thoroughly, his gaze makes Yixing squirm.

"You look so gay," Baekhyun concludes with a curt nod and a serious expression. “A hint of bisexuality, maybe.”

"Oh, I love it. I’m just glad I don't look straight," Yixing smiles and Baekhyun bursts into giggles again, all seriousness forgotten in the blink of an eye.

Yixing picks up a bottle of soju, their shot glasses long forgotten, and takes a long pull out of the glass. The alcohol burns his throat a little and warms his insides, but it's a nice burn. He can't find it in himself to complain about it. He passes the bottle to Baekhyun who does the same thing.

"It's time," Baekhyun slams the bottle down on table, making both of them jump then laugh at each other.

"Ah, no," Yixing whines and clings onto Baekhyun's arm to keep him from standing up. "I'm not ready!"

"Zhang Gay-xing," Baekhyun stands, wobbling a little and points directly at Yixing's nose, making the older go cross eyed from looking at his finger. "You are the most ready."

"Did you just call me Gay-xing?"

"Yes?" Baekhyun says, sounding more unsure than anything else. "Oh my god, I did."

They stare at each other for a few moments before erupting into obnoxious laughter. Baekhyun's cheeks are red, and Yixing can't tell if it's from the alcohol or embarrassment through his drunkenness.

"What song are we gonna sing?" Yixing stalls and Baekhyun looks at him, outright offended at Yixing's question.

"What song?!" Baekhyun levels his face with Yixing's own. "We're singing the only relevant noraebang song known to South Korea and probably the world!"

"I'm like TT?" Yixing holds up his fingers to his cheeks and pouts, shaking his head to mimic the girl group dance. "Neomuhae, neomuhae?"

"Wrong!" Baekhyun shouts making Yixing jump, but he's still laughing. "We're not singing TT!

"Gee?" Yixing raises his eyebrows and dances along to the song. "Gee, gee, gee, gee, bab-bab-baby, baby?"

Baekhyun frowns and shakes his head, pouting.

"No! We're singing I Got A Boy!" Baekhyun poses like he's revealing a big secret and it makes Yixing laugh. "We will not let Goddess Kim Taeyeon down!"

"The only girl you'll ever love," Yixing adds drunkenly solemn.

"That's correct. My wife, if I didn't like guys so much."

"I like Choi Sooyoung more," Yixing sighs a little and Baekhyun looks at him, offended again. "What?"

"You two timer!"

"I'm not cheating on you!?" Yixing yells, confused and he looks around like he'll find some sort of proof to debunk the accusation thrown at him.

"We only love Taeyeon in this house!"

"We're not in a house?"

"Oh my god, we're so drunk," Baekhyun laughs as he pulls Yixing up from his seat and to the screen in front of the small room. Baekhyun grabs two microphones and hands one to Yixing, who takes it reluctantly. There's a small remote off to the side where Baekhyun is scrolling through to find the song. Yixing takes another drink of his soju that he snagged from the table and waits for the music to start playing.

Soon the music starts playing and they're both slurring into their microphones, laughing at the same time.

"Ayo gigi!" Baekhyun shouts and they dance around until the beginning rap goes into the song finally.

"Hey, let me introduce myself," the pair shout at the same time.

"Here comes trouble!" Baekhyun shouts through his laughter as Yixing dances around behind him, his worry completely forgotten as soon as the song came on.

They both do drunk versions of the dance while shouting the lyrics, half into the microphones and half into the room. Their enthusiasm only increases, when Baekhyun raises the volume.

Yixing's stomach and cheeks hurt after two more renditions of Red Velvet's Dumb Dumb and Twice's TT, but they're finally back on the couch with more soju and he can't quite figure out why he hated noraebang so much in the first place.

He looks over at Baekhyun who's rolling the cold glass bottle over his warm forehead in attempt to cool down and instead of feeling flowers Yixing feels his stomach flip. He knows that he'll never love someone as much as he loves Baekhyun. Not in the romantic way and not in the platonic way. He just wishes that he could tell him that without the consequences that followed.

"Baekhyun," Yixing starts, and oh god what is he doing?

"Hm?" Baekhyun peeks over at him through the black fringe that's hanging over his eyes. He looks so young again, it's almost like Yixing was thrown back to when they were twelve. His face looks full and soft and Yixing wants to squish his cheeks in his hands. He wants to run his fingers through Baekhyun's hair the way Baekhyun likes. Yixing wants and wants and wants. He wants Baekhyun to know.

"I," Yixing takes a deep breath and Baekhyun's staring at him with sparkling eyes and Yixing's breath rushes out of his lungs like he was hit in the stomach.

"Hey!" Yixing's cut off by someone yelling off to the side of them. A guy a little older than they are practically falls into their room. "Hey, you guys almost done? Your time limit is almost up."

Baekhyun and Yixing look between each other and then at the guy in front of them. They both nod their heads.

"Yeah, we are," Baekhyun laughs, bright and warm. "Thank you for reminding us, sir."

"No problem."

Baekhyun laughs again and they both thank the man before he leaves again.

Baekhyun shakes his head a little before looking back to Yixing, "Anyway, what were you saying?”

"Ah?" Yixing's confidence had all melted away when the guy interrupted him, he realizes now how bad of an idea it was. This is why he hates getting drunk. "Oh, nothing. I don't remember."

"It was nothing or you don't remember?"

"I'm tired, let’s go home," Yixing changes the subject and Baekhyun stares at him a little bit longer. Yixing nudges him with his elbow and pulls him to stand up. "Come on."

"Okay, yeah. I'm tired, too. Being famous must be exhausting."

Yixing laughs and throws his arm over Baekhyun's shoulder as they stumble out to the car that's always waiting for them. This is the only time Baekhyun ever is willing to use his wealth publicly. It's quite convenient, so Yixing never says a word.

They practically crawl up the stairs to Baekhyun's room and fall asleep on top of the covers after somehow stumbling out of their sweat sticky clothes. All almost confession thoughts are long gone from Yixing's mind.

 

Yixing only gets to stay for two weeks, mostly because his job isn't so keen on only hiring him during the school year when they need the most help in the summer. Baekhyun's parents fly him back to Seoul, and Yixing only agrees because he doesn't want to sit in a car for several hours with no one but their gruff looking driver.

 

"I'll be back at the end of summer, and I'll have Kasper and Jieun with me too. It'll just be us in this house, and your parents won't be there to suffocate you anymore," Yixing reassures Baekhyun as he lays back on his bed in his apartment. He watches Baekhyun groan and bury his head in his arms on his desk through the video call.

"That's in like seven years!" Baekhyun's complaint is muffled and staticky but it still makes Yixing laugh.

"You're so dramatic, Baekhyun. I'm sure you'll find something to do for the next two months between all those business dinners."

"I'm thinking of building a house of cards or completing a ten-thousand-piece puzzle in record time." Baekhyun glares at Yixing through the computer who only shrugs.

"You're on a beach, surely there's something there."

"Turning into a lobster is not high on my to-do list."

"Well, it's always an option," Yixing stretches out his arms above his head and winces at the pulling in his chest. "Hey, I gotta get ready for work."

"No," Baekhyun's head shoots up, his eyes comically wide. "Don't leave me alone with these monsters."

"You should've gone to acting school."

"I'd like to keep my balls, thanks though."

Yixing laughs and shakes his head. "Really, I gotta go or I'll be late."

"Fine," Baekhyun huffs out and rests his chin on the palm of his hand. "Go bathe in grease instead of talking to your amazing best friend."

"Goodbye, Baekhyun."

"Bye, text me when you're off."

Yixing closes his laptop when Baekhyun starts making kissy faces at him, and he wishes he didn't feel the flowers fluttering in his chest. He coughs and coughs and doesn't stop until the wastebasket beside his bed is full of purple petals.

 

**From: Baekhyunnie~**

**do you remember kim jongin?**

**tall, pretty, always at the beach**

**he's here again**

**I’m gonna talk to him finally, since you're not here to keep me company**

**he got taller and he smells like the sea**

 

Yixing reads the messages he got six hours ago, and he sighs. He doesn't want to jump to conclusions, but he can feel the flowers grow and grow every day and he doesn't know how to think anything else but the worst.

How could he ever forget Kim Jongin? He took up Yixing and Baekhyun’s summers spent at the vacation house without even knowing it. They’d get burnt to a crisp because they’d stay out on the beach all day watching him, well, exist. He was beautiful then, breathtaking really, Yixing doesn’t even think he can imagine what he looks like now.

 

**To: Baekhyunnie~**

**behave yourself byun baekhyun**

 

"You okay?" Jieun pulls his attention away from his phone as they sit on the counter in the studio. Yixing raises his eyebrows at her in question.

"Mm? Yeah, I'm fine, why?" Yixing locks his phone and sets it down beside them. Jieun can read him far better than she should be able to.

"You look a little, I don't know, sad. Upset." She frowns at him and he sighs rubbing his face. If only she was like Kasper who barely noticed anything outside of dancing.

"I'm just tired from working so much."

"Liar. It's about Baekhyun."

"Jieun," Yixing starts but she shakes her head making him go quiet.

"Tell him when we go there in a few weeks. It's the perfect time."

"I can't."

Jieun sighs dramatically and slumps back against the wall behind them, her legs dangling off the end of the counter. "That's a load of shit."

Yixing slips off the counter to join Kasper in front of the mirror, he's a lot easier to be around because he doesn't know. Jieun doesn't get it, and that's okay.

Yixing follows Kasper's new choreography, helping him make adjustments here and there. It's a good distraction from his impending flower episode.

 

**From: Baekhyunnie~**

**call me when you get home**

 

"I miss you," Baekhyun's whiny voice comes through Yixing's headphones. "And I'm really dying."

"You're fine." Yixing moves around his kitchen, holding his phone up so he's not giving Baekhyun a completely ugly angle. Not that it would matter. "We'll be down there in a month."

"Six weeks and three days," Baekhyun huffs and Yixing rolls his eyes as he sets his phone on the counter, leaning against the wall. He unplugs his headphones and turns up the volume before going and taking vegetables from his fridge to wash.

"You're counting down the days?"

"I have nothing better to do." Yixing hears Baekhyun moving around, always so noisy. "What are you making?"

"I don't know yet, but I'll figure it out eventually."

This all feels too domestic for Yixing, it makes his heart hurt. It's almost like Baekhyun is here with him and he's cooking for the two of them. It's not that that has never happened before, but this feels different and he's not sure he wants to feel this way when he knows the outcome.

"Baekhyun," a voice says from off screen in Baekhyun's room and Yixing looks over, frowning.

"Oh, Jongin," Baekhyun moves around again, sounding surprised. "Hey, I didn't know you were coming over."

"Just thought I'd surprise you."

Baekhyun's phone is set face down on the bed and Yixing hears Baekhyun hum, the blankets rustle.

"What were you doing?"

"Talking to Yixing." Baekhyun picks the phone back up and Yixing focuses on scrubbing the vegetables in his sink.

"Who?" Jongin's voice sounds sleepy, like he'd just woke up not too long ago. Yixing doesn't want to be upset that Baekhyun had never mentioned him, he's an adult after all, not a teenager.

"My friend from back home." Yixing sets his vegetables on the counter and grabs a knife to chop them. "Yixing hyung, come say hi to Jonginnie."

Yixing picks up his phone from the counter after drying off his hands. "Hey," he smiles and waves a little to the boy next to Baekhyun. His lips are full, and his skin is sun kissed to the point of glowing. Jongin’s shaggy hair falls in front of his sleepy eyes and it makes him look boy-ish. He's cute and Yixing knows he is, has always known. Even when Baekhyun had only admired him from afar when they were younger, Yixing knew that he was cute.

"Hi, Yixing-ssi," Jongin smiles showing white teeth, they're so bright that it's almost blinding. Yixing smiles back then focuses on his vegetables, trying not to listen to Baekhyun and Jongin's conversation.

"Jongin-ah, relax," Baekhyun murmurs, practically coos, Yixing coughs into his arm and petals float to the floor. He doesn't bother picking them up.

"Pay attention to me," Jongin is whining. Baekhyun _is_ paying attention to Jongin because Yixing hasn't talked in ten minutes.

Yixing fills up a pan with water and sets it on the stove top to boil.

"Jongin, don't be ridiculous."

The water boils and Yixing puts pasta in the pan.

"He's my best friend."

Yixing nibbles on the carrots and stares at the sliced cucumbers that Baekhyun would throw a fit over if he knew were there.

"Hang up and just talk to me."

Yixing grabs a soda from his fridge and stirs the pasta.

"Yixing?" Baekhyun finally acknowledges him after twenty minutes.

"Gotta go?" Yixing hums and eats a slice of the cucumber, staring at his phone where Baekhyun isn't really paying attention to him.

"Yeah... I'll talk to you later," Baekhyun mumbles and offers an apologetic smile, but his eyes still aren't looking at his phone.

"Bye Baekhyunnie," Yixing's thumb hovers over the end button. A hand fumbles over the camera on his screen at his phone beeps at him flashing a call ended notification. "Bye Kim Jongin."

Yixing's stomach feels full to the brim and his flowers are weighing him down. He takes his pasta off the stove and doesn't eat it. Instead he lays down and ignores texts from Kasper and Jieun for the rest of the day.

 

"Are you ready to leave?" Yixing steps out of his apartment and locks his door behind him. He adjusts the backpack on his back and switches his phone to his other ear.

"Yeah, meet you at the studio in fifteen," Kasper's voice comes from the other end of the call. Yixing says goodbye and hangs up. He walks down the sidewalk to the studio where Kasper's cousin’s car is parked, and the rest of his bags are stored for their trip. Yixing yawns into his hand and puts headphones into his ear, turning his volume up all the way.

The campus is mostly empty, and it's a nice change. It's too early in the morning for most of the few students that stay on campus over the summer. Yixing misses Baekhyun, even if he has talked to him practically every day. He knows, though, what's waiting for him at the summer house. A smitten Baekhyun, clinging to Jongin's arm. Yixing just hopes that no one notices how it affects him.

He won't let it bother him, not this time. He'll have Kasper and Jieun there, witnesses to his problem.

Yixing takes in a deep breath of sticky summer air and hopes that the last two weeks of his summer won't be a complete disaster.

Kasper and Jieun are waiting for him in front of the studio, just like Kasper had said. They're leaning against the hood of the borrowed car bickering about something. Kasper's cousin had lent it to them, supposedly out of the kindness of his heart, as Kasper had put it. Yixing thinks it was probably blackmail or something along those lines.

The drive with Kasper and Jieun involves a lot less sleeping and a lot more singing, but Yixing can't find it in himself to be bothered about it. They all scream the lyrics to all the bubblegum pop girl group songs that play and do their own seated versions of the choreography. Kasper gets teased about the fact that he really can't sing, Jieun mentions that it's even worse than her dancing. Yixing watches Jieun arm wrestle with the wind as they drive down the freeways.

The last part of the drive, Kasper is on driving duty and Yixing gets to sleep the rest of the way to Baekhyun's summer house. His flowers have been keeping him up since the call with Baekhyun and Jongin. He doesn't understand how the flowers can keep growing and growing like he has a garden inside of his lungs. It's getting harder to breathe, he gets winded too quickly. Yixing knows that as long as he lets this go on, the less time he'll have. He just can't bring himself to call the doctor, to think about forgetting all the love he has for Baekhyun. There's always a possibility that Baekhyun will have a change of heart, or a realization. Something that would save Yixing unknowingly.

"Yixing hyung," Kasper's voice creeps into Yixing's dreams and pulls him awake. "Hyung, wake up we're here."

Yixing peels his eyes open slowly with a sleepy groan. The sun is setting in the distance and Yixing stretches out his limbs, joints popping loudly. He climbs out of the back of the car slowly and helps grab their bags from the trunk.

"This place is huge," Jieun whispers as she gapes up at the house. Yixing laughs softly and Kasper elbows her and tells her to mind her manners. "I had no idea Baekhyun oppa was so loaded."

"Oh, he's Baekhyun oppa now?" Kasper raises his eyebrows at Jieun who glowers back at him.

"It's his parent's money, so he doesn't flaunt it too much," Yixing shrugs and sets a bag down on the front step and swings opens the door.

"Honey! We're home," Kasper yells and makes a surprised noise at the echo of his voice. Yixing hears a shout and stumbling from upstairs as they set down their bags in the entryway.

"Kasper," Baekhyun shouts from the top of the stairs. He takes two steps at a time coming down and Yixing waits for him to trip and fall. "Jieunnie! Yixing!"

Baekhyun crashes into all three of them like an overexcited puppy and hugs them tightly.

"Oh man, I missed you guys so much," Baekhyun beams as he lets them go.

"We missed you too, Baekhyunnie," Jieun laughs and pats Baekhyun's cheek gently.

"I've been here alone for like two days. I think it's haunted."

"Shut up, it's not haunted. Don't say stuff like that," Kasper whines and Yixing rolls his eyes. Leave it to Baekhyun to freak out everyone on their first night.

Baekhyun takes Kasper and Jieun on the tour of the summer house, and their commentary mostly consists of 'oohs' and 'wahs'. It's amusing so Yixing trails along listening to over exaggerated stories told by Baekhyun.

Yixing lets his finger drag along the wooden railing as they walk up the stairs. He's a few steps behind the other three, taking his time to walk up the stairs. His chest tickles and it reminds him that he can't let himself get too comfortable.

The petals expand in his lungs and he can almost see a flower blooming in his mind, covered with blood, the thought makes Yixing shudder. Baekhyun laughs and Yixing feels like curling in on himself. It's loud and bright and completely ridiculous but Yixing loves it, but the flower in his chest loves it more. Like Baekhyun's laugh is its food.

Yixing tucks away stray purple petals in his jeans pockets as he watches Baekhyun gesture to rooms or paintings. His long fingers spreading out in the air or curling into excited fists. Yixing imagines Baekhyun's hand in his own, warm and safe. The flower blooms again and fills his lungs to the brim.

He excuses himself to the bathroom, the one downstairs away from his friends, and locks the door behind him before turning on the faucet. Yixing stares at his reflection in the mirror, his dark circles are more prominent than ever. He presses his fingers to his chest, and winces when the flowers push back against him. He coughs and coughs until a bud of flowers is making its way up his throat and triggering his gag reflex. He throws up green and purple and presses his forehead to the porcelain of the toilet, exhausted.

Yixing loves Baekhyun, and he knows Baekhyun doesn't feel the same, the petals floating in the water before him are proof enough of that. He can't get himself to want to feel any other way, though.

Yixing drags himself back upstairs to where his friends are sprawled out on Baekhyun's oversized bed. Baekhyun's smile lights up the room when he sees Yixing, and Yixing does his best to return it. He misses the look Jieun is giving him, though.

Kasper picks out a scary movie that scares them all so much they end up sleeping with the lights on and huddled under the covers. Baekhyun is laying on the other side of Kasper, not even touching Yixing, but Yixing can feel Baekhyun's warmth spreading from his finger tips to his toes. The flower curls and reaches up his throat, trying to pull him under.

 

Yixing is pulled, more like ripped, out of his sleep by something soft colliding with his face. He groans and rolls over, petals brushing against his lips. He opens his eyes to see stray purple petals littering the bed next to him and he feels his stomach drop as he snatches them up in his hand.

"Wake up Yixing," Kasper yells from behind him and a pillow hits him on the back with a soft thud.

"There are nicer ways to wake someone," Jieun says from somewhere further away and Yixing grumbles in agreement.

 _Thwack_.

The pillow collides with his butt this time and Yixing flails a little and he hears Baekhyun's laugh. It makes him smile and squeeze the petals in his fist tighter.

"I'll get a bucket of water if you don't get up right now."

Yixing sits up so fast he gets a little lightheaded, but he's not about to have a bucket of water, probably cold water, dumped on him. He'll take lightheadedness over that any day.

"I'm up, I'm up," Yixing rubs his eyes with his fists and yawns once as he stretches his limbs out, wiggling his toes and fingers. "Christ, why are you guys up so early."

"It's almost noon," Jieun says, frowning a little. "Did you not sleep well?"

"I slept fine, but it feels like it's 8am," Yixing groans and Baekhyun flops down on the bed next to him. The weight of the latter's body makes Yixing lean forward towards him.

"You're just lazy. We're going to get ice cream, come on." Baekhyun pulls out his phone from his pocket, pushing the round middle button to light up his screen and unlock it.

"Baekhyun, you just laid down."

"Not the point?" Baekhyun sits up anyway and it makes Yixing laugh to himself. "Anyway, get dressed we're going in ten minutes."

Before Yixing can make a move to get up, Kasper grabs him by his arm and pulls him out of bed. Yixing nearly falls to the floor but manages to get his footing and glare at a smiling Kasper.

"You're up!"

"Yes, I'm up," Yixing mutters as he practically stomps to the bathroom. He closes the door behind him and drops the petals in his fist into the toilet. An ugly exit for ugly things. Yixing brushes his teeth and washes his face before flushing the toilet and watching the petals swirl down the pipe. He can't tell if it's getting worse or better.

"Yixing, we don't have all day," Baekhyun singsongs from the other side of the door and Yixing rolls his eyes to himself.

"We have literally all day," he calls back in the same singing tone and he's answered with Baekhyun's bright sunshine laugh. It warms him from the inside out. Yixing looks at himself one last time in the mirror, at his dark circles and his broken-out face. He's not eating enough, sleeping enough, but he can't. The flowers won't let him.

Yixing comes out of the bathroom to find all three of his friends on their phones.

"Well, come on then. You all were just rushing me two seconds ago."

Baekhyun is the only one who doesn't put his phone away. Yixing frowns a little at Baekhyun's serious expression, and hopes it's not something to do with his parents

 

"Come on, Baek," Kasper says and grabs Baekhyun by his elbow pulling him up from the bed. Baekhyun looks up at Kasper a little shocked but he quickly replaces it with a small smile. Kasper mirrors him, but with a brighter smile, almost like he doesn't notice Baekhyun's mood change.

"Sorry, let's go," Baekhyun clears his throat, and stands up a little straighter. Yixing chews on the inside of his cheek as he follows his friends from Baekhyun's room.

Baekhyun is quiet the whole ride there. He picked the front seat with the driver instead of squishing into the back with the rest of them. Yixing doesn't think that Kasper and Jieun notice, they're taking about some performance they saw by some girl group last weekend. But Yixing notices, he sees how Baekhyun is just staring out the windshield, no expression, nothing. It worries him, and it makes it worse that he can't do anything about it.

It doesn't take long to get to the ice cream shop, just a few blocks drive that they surely could've walked. Baekhyun tells the driver that they'll walk home later so he doesn't have to wait up for them.

The shop is pastel colored on the inside and cold to the point Yixing almost wishes he brought a jacket. He rubs his prickled skin and looks through the curved glass at the flavors to choose from. Baekhyun laughs quietly at Kasper's jokes and smiles at them, but Yixing knows there's something off.

Baekhyun pays for them all without being asked and sits in a booth alone as Kasper and Jieun argue whether which flavor is the best at the counter. Yixing frowns to himself and leaves the other two to bicker amongst themselves to sit next to Baekhyun.

"Hey, are you okay?" Yixing nudges Baekhyun gently and Baekhyun smiles softly at him nodding.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

"You don't seem alright."

Baekhyun sighs to himself and spins the cup of strawberry ice cream in front of him absentmindedly. He shrugs a little and chews on the small plastic spoon.

"Is it–did your mom," Yixing trails off and Baekhyun shakes his head dismissing the idea.

"Was it Jongin?" Yixing tries again and this time he nods silently and the older frowns a little. "I'm sorry, Baekhyun."

"You don't need to be sorry, summer's almost over, and I didn't really expect it to be anything else. I mean, it's not a big deal." Baekhyun shrugs again and Yixing sighs inwardly, not wanting Baekhyun to down play it.

"You're still upset, though." Yixing grabs Baekhyun's hand and plays with his fingers.

"It's whatever. I'm not going to ruin the rest of break for us." Baekhyun looks over to him and smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes and it hurts Yixing's heart a little.

"Did you get one?" Yixing asks, he presses his first finger to a mole on Baekhyun's forearm gently.

"What do you think?"

Yixing nods quietly and pulls Baekhyun closer by his arm, wrapping his own around Baekhyun the best he can. It's an awkward angle because of the booth, but Baekhyun leans into Yixing, anyway, his face hidden in Yixing's shoulder. Yixing feels him inhale deeply and exhale slowly as he rubs Baekhyun's back slowly.

"It'll be okay. You'll be okay."

"Thank you, Xing," Baekhyun mumbles into the fabric of Yixing's shirt and Yixing lets him sit back up to go back to eating his ice cream.

"Did we interrupt something?" Kasper asks, a lilt to his voice that Yixing chooses to ignore and Baekhyun shakes his head.

"Nope. Just a needed Yixing-Hug."

"I never get Yixing-Hugs." Kasper sticks out his bottom lip in a pout and Yixing rolls his eyes, taking a bite of his ice cream.

"Because you're too much of a brat."

"Baekhyun is a bigger brat than I am."

"Bullshit," Baekhyun grumbles and Jieun laughs giving Yixing a knowing look.

"You both are insufferable brats. You're lucky we put up with you." Jieun shakes her head and Yixing hums in agreement.

"She has a point."

Kasper slumps back in the booth, cradling his cup of ice cream in his hand and shoots a playful look at Yixing. "You're both just blinded by Baekhyun's insufferable flirting. I'm easily the best person in this group."

The other three erupt into laughter and Kasper whines more, accusing Yixing and Jieun of being biased. Yixing may be biased, but he can't seem to find anything wrong with it when Baekhyun is next to him smiling and laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next update!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> Drinking.

For as long Yixing can remember, Baekhyun has always been drawn to crowds. Bright lights and happy noise is what he thrives off of. He always craved to have the room filled to the brim with energy. It was never exhausting, never too much for people to handle, because somehow Baekhyun still knows everyone's limits and he never ever fails to respect them. Yixing doesn't know how he manages. Not when he can only be around more than three people for a few hours before he feels exhausted and drained in every way possible.

But he can never seem to mind when his hand is in Baekhyun's.

That's where he is now, one hand in Baekhyun's, the other reaching back for Kasper's, who's linked with Jieun, as he's being pulled through crowds of people on the boardwalk next to the beach. The Ferris wheel in the distance is twinkling and spinning in front of the red-orange sunset that's reflecting off the dark sea. The neon signs are lining the dock, inviting people to come play games and eat their greasy foods.

Yixing is trying not to run into too many people as Baekhyun weaves them in and out of the mass. He can hear the high pitch of Baekhyun's laugh and his own hiccup-y one and Kasper's bright one and Jieun's squeaky one. He can't feel the flowers in his chest threatening to burst, he can't feel the ache of his muscles from running for so long, he refuses to feel anything but the good.

Finally, they break through the crowd into an opening at the end of the wooden dock, only the wooden fence keeping them from jumping into the warm water below. The four come to a stop and catch their breath. Yixing peeks up at Baekhyun through his shaggy bangs to see the younger boy smiling from ear to ear. The Ferris wheel is off to their right now and the lights are shining in Baekhyun's eyes, turning them from brown to brilliant pinks and purples and blues. Baekhyun runs his fingers through his hair before throwing his hands up to the sky and spinning around in circles, laughter bubbling from his chest.

"Jieun!" Baekhyun shouts, and despite all the noise around them it still shocks them. "Dance with me!"

"Baekhyunnie, I can't dance!" Jieun stares at him with wide eyes, but a smile is on her face.

"I don't care, come dance with me!"

Before Jieun can say anything more Baekhyun grabs her by her hand and twirls her around before he leads them around in circles, hopping and laughing with tears in their eyes to no music in particular. She holds onto Baekhyun tightly as they spin and spin until they're dizzy. Yixing and Kasper sit on the wooden fence at the end of the dock, watching their friends, laughing just as hard at the sight.

"Hyunnie, you're going to get sick if you spin one more time," Kasper cups his hands around his mouth to make his voice louder and Baekhyun laughs in response.

"I accept that challenge!" Baekhyun does let Jieun go, though, who's giggling and stumbling to where Yixing and Kasper are.

Yixing watches as Baekhyun stares up at the slowly darkening sky, and even though it's too bright to see many stars in the sky, Yixing can see them in Baekhyun's eyes, shining brighter than anything he's ever seen before. The sun has competition.

Eventually Baekhyun comes to lean against the fence where the rest of them are and he stares out to nowhere in particular. Yixing reaches over and tugs on his ear gently, making the younger look up at him.

"What's up?" Yixing raises his eyebrows at Baekhyun who shrugs with a smile.

"I feel really happy." Baekhyun leans into Yixing's side momentarily before going back to where he was. "Even after all the stuff that's happened, not just today, but the last year, I still feel really happy."

Yixing smiles at his best friend and looks over at Kasper and Jieun who are smiling just as much as he is.

"That's all I want, Baekhyunnie," Yixing says as he hops down from the fence to turn and face the sea. And yeah, despite everything, Yixing feels pretty happy, too.

"I've decided something," Baekhyun mumbles around his food sometime later, and Yixing holds back his complaint about manners just this once.

"What's that, Baekhyunnie?" Kasper picks something out of Jieun's cup who protests, and swats at him.

"Fuck boys."

A beat of silence before Jieun snorts, choking on her food.

"Well, ideally, that's what you would do," Kasper laughs and pats Jieun's back as she tries to not laugh harder.

"Shut up, that's not what I meant," Baekhyun whines and Yixing chuckles. "I meant like, who needs them? Not me. They're stupid."

"I second that," Jieun chimes in, raising her hand.

"Jieunnie, I'm straight now, let’s get married tomorrow," Baekhyun says with conviction. He hands his food to Yixing before he goes and grabs Jieun's hands. She plays along, doing her best to keep a straight face.

"Oh, my Baekhyunnie, I would be honored to marry someone as cute as you!" She looks over to Kasper, batting her eyelashes. "Do we have your permission, my overbearing brother?"

"Absolutely not," Kasper deadpans and both Baekhyun and Jieun gasp loudly.

"We're running away to America! We don't need your consent there! We're gonna be lazy and watch shitty shows with no subtitles!" Baekhyun shouts before scooping up Jieun bridal style and running away with her towards the American styled food stands. She squeals and holds onto Baekhyun as he weaves his way through the crowd with her.

Yixing leans back and watches them go, not noticing the look Kasper is giving him.

"You're not very subtle, you know." Kasper nudges Yixing with his elbow and Yixing looks over at his friend with eyebrows raised.

"What? Subtle about what?"

"You like Baekhyun," Kasper sighs and Yixing holds back the urge to groan.

"Did Jieun tell you?"

"No," Kasper shakes his head as he takes another bite of his food. "She didn't have to, you're painfully obvious."

Yixing looks down at the wooden dock below his feet, rubbing the toe of his shoe into the chipped paint and peeling off more. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.

"It doesn't really matter though, does it?" Yixing doesn't want the bitterness to ruin the night, but he can feel the fowl taste of it creeping up his throat.

"I think it does," Kasper shrugs next to him and stacks the empty cups together. "You should tell him."

"He doesn't feel the same way, it's okay."

"Have you told him already?"

Yixing shakes his head and shoves his hands in the front of his sweatshirt pocket.

"Then how do you know he doesn't?"

He plays with the few petals that were shoved haphazardly in his pocket, rubbing the velvety skin between his fingertips. Yixing stays quiet until Baekhyun and Jieun return with more food and alcohol.

 

"Yixing hyung," Baekhyun hums after they break free of the other end of the crowd and head down to the nearly empty beach.

Baekhyun is on his left and Kasper and Jieun are a few feet in front of them, whispering about something that Yixing probably shouldn't be trying to hear. His beer his unopened in his hand, but Baekhyun's second is nearly gone. Yixing bumps his shoulder into Baekhyun's to tell him he's listening.

"Do you think that everything happens for a reason? Like, all the bad and good that happens to us is fate." Baekhyun motions his hands in front of him, trying to explain more with movement. "Predestination or whatever."

Yixing kicks up damp sand and feels the petals in his chest shift, grow, multiply just minutely. "I think so, yeah." He nods slowly, picking his words carefully. "It could be some part of a bigger plan, or we could just be trying to reach a better version of ourselves through trial and error."

"Like nirvana," Baekhyun adds and Yixing hums in conformation.

"Yeah, sure, if you believe in Buddhism."

"But don't we all just live to die?" Baekhyun takes another drink of his beer, but he's far from drunk.

"That's a bit morbid and sad, Baekhyun." Yixing looks over at Baekhyun who just shrugs. "I don't think we live to die. I mean, sure we die in the end, but I don't think that's our sole purpose of existing."

"Then, what?"

Yixing looks out at the black ocean, the moon shining off the ripples from the motion of the water, distorting the perfect circle. "I think it depends on the person."

Baekhyun finishes his bottle and cradles the bottom of it in his palm, letting his sleeve fall over his hand and concealing the bottle. He stays quiet after that, and they eventually catch back up to Kasper and Jieun. Baekhyun seems to have forgotten the heaviness of their conversation in no time. He laughs and tells dumb jokes and keeps the mood light.

Yixing lets his friends talk, joke with each other and be happy. It's like he's watching them from a glass bubble. He can see their happiness, hear it, but he'll never really be a part of it. Not with his flowers holding him back, from breaking the barrier to unashamed happiness.

He thinks about what he and Baekhyun talked about, about what he lives for. He could say he lives for his grandmother and to make her happy and proud, he lives for his mother who sacrificed so much for him his whole life even if she wasn't there a lot of the time. He could say he lives for himself, determined to make himself a better person. He could say he lives for his friends and making them happy and seeing their smiles and being there when they're sad and there's tears on their cheeks. Yixing lives for all of those things, but it all simplifies to one thing.

He lives for love.

That same thing is killing him.

They find a place in the sand and wait for the fireworks to start in the distance, they listen to the push and pull of the waves against the shore and the distant yelling from the dock filled with people. Baekhyun leans into Yixing's side and rests his head on his shoulder. Yixing's hand finds Baekhyun's and he laces their fingers together, giving Baekhyun a gentle squeeze.

"Wah, it's starting!" Jieun shouts and points out into the distance. Streaks of light shoot up into the sky and explode into showers of colors. All four of them jump and laugh and marvel at the fireworks. Smiles spread across their faces and the lights reflect in their eyes and off the water alike.

Kasper makes them take a picture with fireworks in the back, and Yixing doesn't mind how Baekhyun hasn't let go of his hand once. They turn back to face the show, Yixing in the middle with Baekhyun under his right arm and Kasper under his left.

"This was the best vacation," Kasper leans back and yells into the sky. They all erupt into laughter and he tugs off his shoes and tosses his wallet and phone in them as he runs towards the water.

"Kas, what are you doing," Jieun shrieks, but follows his lead anyway. They splash into the ocean laughing and throwing water at each other.

Baekhyun and Yixing look at each other for a brief second before they're doing the same and running into the shallow water, jumping on top of Kasper, dunking him under. He comes up spluttering for air and launches himself into Yixing, pulling them both down. They come up laughing and Yixing ignores the petals floating on the surface of the water.

 

"You just get back?" Baekhyun questions through the phone speaker that's pressed against Yixing's ear. He drops his bags on the floor next to his still broken futon. He'll get a new one soon, maybe. Hopefully.

"Yeah, I just walked in," Yixing hums as he lets his legs guide him to his room. He's tired, but he has things to do, like restocking his fridge and getting his new books for his classes this year. "How long are your parents making you stay?"

Yixing falls face first into his bed and inhales slowly, careful not to disturb the flowers that have made a home in his lungs. "A few more weeks. I wish I would've been able to come back to campus with you, though. It sucks here," Baekhyun whines and Yixing smiles to himself. He can practically see Baekhyun's pout.

"You'll survive, you have every other year." Yixing climbs further onto his bed and rolls to his back, letting himself settle into his comforter. "I have to go buy groceries and books, but really, I'd rather sleep."

"By groceries do you mean ramen and juice?" Baekhyun snickers on the other side of the line and Yixing fights the urge to roll his eyes. "Don't fall asleep, because then you won't wake up until like 9 p.m."

"You're right, but I still want to. Plus, it's your fault for making us stay up so late playing games."

"I digress," Baekhyun chirps in Yixing's ear and this time he really does roll his eyes. "Anyway, go do your shopping. My parents will probably be calling me down soon anyway."

"Good luck," Yixing says and he hears Baekhyun sigh quietly.

"Thanks, hyung. I'll see you soon."

"See you, Baekhyunnie." Yixing lets go of his phone as the call ends and it falls down to softly thud against the mattress next to his head. He stares at his ceiling for a few moments, debating if he should just set an alarm and go to sleep or actually do what he is supposed to.

Eventually, Yixing forces himself to roll off his bed and shuffle out of his room and back towards the front door of his apartment. He wills himself to not grumble while pulling on his shoes and grabs his wallet before walking out the front door to head to the market. The books can wait for another day, probably tomorrow.

The walk to the tram seems a lot longer than it actually is. But his feet feel like cement bricks dragging along the ground as he walks. Yixing wishes that he could just go to the corner store and pick up a few packs of instant ramen, but he knows he has to get a lot more than that. His apartment is basically empty of anything substantial to eat.

He scans his card and little sound buzzes, signaling he's able to walk through the metal bars to get on the tram. His eyes are half closed as he squeezes through the almost closed doors. Yixing finds a place near the exit, so he stays awake and doesn't miss his stop.

He's almost sad that he doesn't get to take the tram every day. There are people, characters even, that fill the seats and hold onto the bars as they stand. There's grandmothers with their canes who are hilariously rude to anyone who they seem fit. Yixing waves to one of them, flashing a sweet smile and of course his dimple, the grandmother is almost rude back to him, but decides he's acceptable and smiles back. Further down there's a man in a business suit with a boy at his feet. He seems to be far more focused on the phone in his hand and the Bluetooth in his ear than the little boy tugging on his slacks. Yixing sighs softly, hoping that the little boy is given more attention at home than what he is being given now.

In the other direction there's a girl, who can't be older than him, sitting alone with an old book bag at her feet. She's pulled in on herself, staring down at the floor, hands fidgeting in her lap. Maybe a runaway, maybe someone who's running back home. When she looks up from the ground, her bangs falling into her eyes a little, she makes eye contact with Yixing. He's sure that there's concern written over his face because she winces ever so slightly. He mouths 'Are you okay?' and she nods quickly, forcing a smile. He nods back once, wishing he could do more.

The tram comes to a halt to and the announcer calls out the stop they're at, Yixing's place to get off. As he stands up, he looks to the girl one more time. In her lap he sees pink petals, and he wishes more than anything that there was a flower with a stem, too. He steps off the tram onto the platform, heart heavy in his chest. He turns back to see the girl staring at him. He wants to do something, something to tell her she's not alone. Yixing points to her lap then his own chest, nodding. It takes her a moment before she understands. The doors slide shut as she stands up, her eyes wide, and hands pressed against the glass windows.

Yixing watches as the tram speeds away before turning and leaving the station. That stranger is only the second person he has told about his flowers. Zhixiang being the first, but he hasn't talked to him in months. Nearing a year, really. Yixing feels bad, but it's not like he can call Zhixiang and lie about getting help, that would only frustrate and disappoint him. One day Yixing will be able to call him and tell him he's okay again, and they can go out to eat like they used to. Zhixiang can tell him about his life and Yixing can tell him that he's happy for him.

The bright afternoon sun knocks the sad thoughts from his mind as he steps onto the sidewalk. Yixing heads towards the store just down the street. It's a little bit lonely walking by himself, no one to talk to or even just have their company, but it's nothing Yixing hasn't done before.

He stands at the back of a small group of people waiting for the light to flash, allowing them to walk across. Most of them are on their phones, talking or typing away, few holding children's hands and telling them to hold their hands up in the air as they cross the road. Soon the crowd moves forward and Yixing moves with it, hearing bits and pieces of conversations as he moves.

Times like this is what makes Yixing grateful he's not graduating into a desk job in a few years. He thinks of all the sleepy men and women each morning, shuffling through the crowds of other sleepy men and women to go to the same chair they sit in every day and drink the same terrible coffee each day. He's nowhere near as fidgety as Baekhyun is, but he has to move, that's why he's trying to pick up dancing again and maybe find a job as a dance teacher.

As he enters the store, the smell of food overwhelms him and makes his stomach grumble, he even smells coffee somewhere and it reminds him that he's sleepy. First, he goes to the in-store cafe and orders himself a latte. Yixing thinks if he doesn't, he might fall asleep standing up. Then grabs a cart and begins wheeling it around the store. He has to keep in mind his budget, and also Baekhyun. He gets things both of them will like and steers clear of the 'Devil's Vegetable' as Baekhyun likes to call cucumber. Lots of cereal, lots of instant ramen. Yixing caves and buys beef for when Baekhyun gets back and their friend group can all have a little gathering at Yixing's apartment before school starts again.

Eventually Yixing makes his way up to the checkout area at the front of the store and loads his things into a conveyor belt. The teenager behind it smiles at him as a greeting and attempts at awkward small talk, Yixing goes along with it to be polite. He pays for his things, barely under his budget and he knows it's because of the beef. He contemplates calling Kasper to see if he can pick him up, but he decides against it and carries his two handfuls of grocery bags back to the station.

Yixing shuffles one handful of bags to the other to pull out his money card for the tram and hobbles his way through the metal bars after the buzzer goes off. Just as he's moving bags back to his now free hand he looks up and sees the tram doors closing. He panics a little before running forward, and shouting.

"Someone hold the door, please!" Yixing nearly trips as he nears the doors and just before they close completely someone sticks their arm out between the doors. They slide back open and he slows down to a walk just before he steps onto the tram.

"Thank you so much," Yixing pants out and sits down in an empty seat. He gets a few glares from other people around him, but he ignores them, he's just happy he caught it at all.

"No problem, you looked kind of ridiculous running across the platform and I couldn't let that go to waste," a guy, who seems to be the person who held the door open for him, laughs as he sits down next to Yixing.

Yixing looks over to see sandy blond-haired guy, probably around his age, with a too big smile plastered over his rather handsome face. Yixing has come to find that big smiles can make a lot of people look ugly. Like if you catch Baekhyun mid-laugh. This guy is the exception to that rule it seems. Yixing smiles back at him and laughs at himself softly, he probably did look dumb running with hands full of groceries, now sitting on the floor between his feet, and yelling at anyone to hold open the door.

"Sorry you had to see that, not all that charming, was it?"

The guy laughs loudly, covering his mouth with a small pretty hand, not quite as pretty as Baekhyun's, hand. That’s a hard person to beat. His laugh is sort of hiccup-y and a little obnoxious. Yixing finds himself chuckling along and he doesn't quite know why.

"My names Joonmyun, by the way, or you can just call me your hero or something along those lines," Joonmyun smiles and sticks out his hand to shake. Yixing snorts at him but takes his hand anyway.

"Yixing, yes I'm Chinese, no I'm not an exchange student." Joonmyun looks a little caught off guard at Yixing's greeting, but Yixing has heard the same questions a million times and has made it a habit to beat them to the punch.

"Oh. Cool. Uh, Korean, also not an exchange student, as that wouldn't make any sense."

Yixing shakes his head, laughing to himself at Joonmyun's response as he sits back in his seat. He prays to any and all gods that there's no gum stuck to the wall behind him as he rests his head back against it. "Do you go to KU as well?"

"I do, yes. TV Journalism major. Making documentaries and such, you?" Joonmyun asks and Yixing finds his voice oddly calming despite all the noise going on around them. Joonmyun’s major fits his look, if Yixing is being honest.

"Life major."

There's a beat of silence and Yixing looks over at Joonmyun who's brows are furrowed rather cutely.

"I'm not sure I know what that is," he says slowly, and it makes Yixing smile. He's cute.

"I'm double majoring, so it’s going to become my life. I'm going into teaching when the semester starts. Previously just a Fine Arts major."

Joonmyun hums and nods his head. Yixing taps his chest, his flowers feeling rather calm at the moment. Yixing doesn't think anything more of it, just lets his eyes slip shut and suddenly he remembers how tired he actually is. Damn Baekhyun.

The next thing Yixing knows he's being shaken gently, and a voice is calling his name. He opens his eyes, blinking through the sleep as he sits up. Oh god.

"Morning, the stop for KU is soon, is that where you get off?" Joonmyun asks, looking completely unbothered that Yixing had fallen asleep in the middle of their conversation.

"Yeah, that's—that's mine," Yixing mumbles as he rubs his eyes and drags his hands down his face. His cheek is wet. He looks over and sees a dark spot on Joonmyun's gray shirt. Oh. God. "I’m—I’m so sorry, oh my God."

Yixing reaches out to dab at his drool spot on Joonmyun's shoulder. Joonmyun only laughs and it makes Yixing's face heat up. He probably looks like a tomato right now, an embarrassed, foolish tomato.

"Don't worry about it, you looked comfortable." Joonmyun waves him off and Yixing only feels worse. He fell asleep on a stranger’s shoulder and drooled on them. Does he even drool in his sleep normally?

The tram comes to a stop and Yixing goes to gather his groceries from the floor, but Joonmyun reaches down to grab a few bags.

"I'll help you take them home. Is that okay?" Joonmyun asks when Yixing looks over to him, lips parted in confusion. Yixing nods dumbly, still groggy from sleep. "Alright, lead the way, sleepy head."

Joonmyun's smile is only making Yixing more embarrassed. It's not that he's being condescending or rude, but he's cute and seemingly genuine and it's ruining Yixing's composure. He stands up with bags in hand and Joonmyun follows him out onto the platform and up to the sidewalk.

"It's—my apartment is just down the road." Yixing points towards the direction of his building and Joonmyun nods, smiles again, and Yixing doesn't know what else to do other than walk forward and try not to explode from embarrassment.

They walk in silence for a bit, and he can't tell if Joonmyun is oblivious or actually just doesn't mind, but Yixing feels like he's going to die, and he needs to yell into oblivion or something.

"You, uh, you didn't need to help me with my groceries, but thank you," Yixing says and he knows he sounds lame, but he can't help himself. He drooled on a cute guys shoulder on the tram and now said cute guy is helping him take his groceries home.

"It's no problem. I didn't have anything else to do." Joonmyun shrugs and Yixing might die if he gets anymore nonchalant.

"You can have dinner with me as a thank you." Yixing's mouth is spewing out words without consulting with his brain and he can't believe he just asked the guy up for dinner. It sounds like a date and oh God what is even happening. "I mean, if you want to."

"That sounds great." Joonmyun smiles again and it's blinding from the late afternoon sun that's shining off his too perfect teeth. This is something out of a stupid drama that he and Baekhyun watch.

They reach Yixing's building not much later and Yixing is grateful for the distraction of putting away the groceries once they get upstairs to his apartment. Aside from the fact that Joonmyun keeps asking where this and that goes, and he has accidentally brushed hands with Yixing at least twelve times. Yixing keeps telling himself that it's all an accident, and really it has to be because he's caught Joonmyun blushing more than once. He's glad he's not in this alone right now. Whatever this is. It's nothing, is what it is.

"Is just ramen okay?" Yixing asks as he holds packets of instant ramen in his hands. He looks up Joonmyun who nods with that stupid too big smile and Yixing smiles back at him because he can't get himself to do anything else.

Yixing finds it's easy to talk to Joonmyun. It's weird, how easy it is, really. They're the same age, and they both have equally big dreams. Joonmyun tells a lot of lame jokes but Yixing can't stop himself from laughing. They talk a lot longer after their food is gone. They end up turning on the TV and sitting on the floor in front of Yixing's broken futon because for some reason neither of them want Joonmyun to leave.

Yixing wakes up sometime in the middle of the night, a post it not stuck to his forehead that reads: You fell asleep again, sleepy head. here's my number, text me.

So Yixing does.

 

They're not flirting, it's not flirting. He and Joonmyun are friends, in a weird kind of way. And it kind of feels like he's cheating on Baekhyun if he calls it flirting. And he's in love with Baekhyun, who is coming home in a few days. Baekhyun who isn't in love with Yixing back, but Yixing doesn't care because he only wants Baekhyun to be happy.

And there's Joonmyun who texts him every day, like Baekhyun does, but it's different because Joonmyun flirts with him. It's not flirting though, because they're friends. Joonmyun who tells him little things that he sees during his day that he thinks are funny, even if not all of them are Yixing still laughs. Joonmyun who makes Yixing feel weird things in his chest when he smiles that too big smile or laughs his hiccup-y laugh.

But Yixing is in love with Baekhyun and there's flowers under his bed and hidden away in waste baskets because of Baekhyun, for Baekhyun. There’s Joonmyun, who makes him forget about those flowers for just a little bit. But it's probably nothing because they're not flirting and it's okay because Yixing is in love with Baekhyun and he's just happy to have a new friend.

"Baekhyun comes back in a few days, right?" Joonmyun asks as they walk through a book store, getting their books for classes. Because that's what they do, they go places together and Yixing doesn't feel alone and it's nice. But they're just friends. He doesn't even remember how he ended up asking Joonmyun to come with him. Things just seem to happen and they're natural already.

"Mh? Yeah. On Monday," Yixing replies, and he doesn't remember telling Joonmyun about Baekhyun, but he probably has because he tells Joonmyun a lot. Even if he shouldn't.

"Are you going to pick him up from somewhere?"

"No." Yixing pulls out a book, one that's definitely not for statistics, off the shelf and looks at the cover. "He has a ride back to his apartment."

Joonmyun nods and continues to walk forward, Yixing following him, and every so often he stops to pull a book off the shelf. None of these books are the ones either of them need, but it easy to get distracted.

"Are you guys dating?" Joonmyun asks and Yixing looks up from the book in his hands. His chest feels weird again, but not the good kind of weird. Kind of like he's sinking, and he can't tell if he's sad about not being with Baekhyun, or if it's because Joonmyun thought he and Baekhyun were dating at all.

"Um, no," Yixing says, and he hates it. He doesn't know why Joonmyun is asking, and he doesn't really want to ever know why. They're friends and it's okay, he and Joonmyun, he and Baekhyun.

"Oh, you just talk about him like you are, but you said you've been best friends for practically forever, so it makes sense."

"I do?"

"Yeah, it's sweet." Joonmyun shrugs and gives him a smile. Yixing tries to smile back, but he's not sure if it came across that way. Maybe Joonmyun really wasn't flirting, and Yixing has been making up friendly gestures to be flirting in his mind the last week.

Yixing puts the book back on the shelf and walks towards the ones he actually needs, statistics and music theory. "Do you want to meet him when he gets back?"

"Sure, Yixing.” Joonmyun smiles his genuine smile. “I'd like that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> Drinking.

The balloons are a little ridiculous. And the party poppers. And the cake. But it's for Baekhyun, and it wasn't entirely Yixing's idea, but he contributed ideas and money, anyway. Baekhyun will be here any time and what Yixing originally assumed would just be Kasper, Jieun, Baekhyun, and himself, has grown by one. Joonmyun is there too, he fit in easily with the other two, taking their teasing in stride and laughing along with them as they wait in Baekhyun's dark apartment for his arrival.

The candles are lit on the cake in Joonmyun's hands and it's making his face glow. Yixing can't find any words to describe it other than beautiful. But they don't flirt because Yixing had a friend crush and he's okay with that.

The doorknob rattles as a key is being slid into the slot and Yixing hopes he's not the only one holding his breath. As soon as Baekhyun flips on the light the four of them hop out from their hiding places yelling surprise and pulling party poppers, making confetti fly everywhere. Baekhyun yells, no screams, and drops his things to the floor. Yixing can't stop laughing at Baekhyun's reaction, Joonmyun by his side smiling as Kasper and Jieun leap onto Baekhyun. There's confetti everywhere, on the floor and in everyone's hair, it's pretty.

"Welcome home, Baekhyunnie," Kasper yells and plants a sloppy kiss on Baekhyun's cheek who shoves him away playfully. Baekhyun looks disbelieving and happy and it's truly Yixing's favorite part of every day. Every time he gets to see Baekhyun's eyes light up in absolute joy, every time Baekhyun’s smiles almost split his face is Yixing's favorite moment. From the first day Yixing saw Baekhyun smile like that, his heart has always warmed at the sight.

"Don't forget to blow out the candles, Baekhyun-ah." Yixing knows he sounds fond, and his face probably looks like he’s about to burst with love, but the look Baekhyun gives him when he hears his voice is nothing but soft and gentle. It makes him feel good and he'll shrug off his friends knowing looks in favor of pulling his Baekhyun into a hug. No, not his Baekhyun, just Baekhyun.

"Hi, who are you?" Baekhyun laughs as he looks at Joonmyun holding the homecoming cake in his hands.

"Kim Joonmyun, Yixing invited me," Joonmyun smiles his blinding smile and Baekhyun mirrors it.

"Well it's nice to meet you, Joonmyun." Baekhyun blows out the candles then and they all migrate to the kitchen to get pieces of cake. Baekhyun steals everyone's strawberries, even Joonmyun's, and they return to the living room with beers, soju, and cake.

Baekhyun seems to welcome Joonmyun in with open arms, and that's all Yixing could've ever hoped for. Not that Yixing ever expected anything else, but he still feels good about it.

"Joonmyun is nice," Baekhyun says when it's just him and Yixing in the kitchen, cleaning up bottles of beer and plates of chicken Yixing doesn't remember ordering. Yixing looks over to him as he puts glass bottles into a bag. There's a small smile on Baekhyun's lips

"Yeah, he is," Yixing agrees. He doesn't know if he wants Baekhyun to fall in love with Joonmyun or not. Joonmyun isn't his, just like Baekhyun isn't his, but there's a small part of him that wishes they could all be friends with each other just like Kasper is. And there's and even smaller part where he might want Joonmyun to be his only. He shakes the thought out of his head quickly, and it doesn't take long because Baekhyun has a dopey, tipsy smile as he hums and cleans up the mess they've all made.

Yixing hears laughter from Baekhyun's living room and he smiles at the sound, happy that his friends are all happy together because that's all he's ever wanted.

"C'mon, Baekhyun-ah, we're missing out on something funny." Yixing takes Baekhyun's hand and pulls him to the living room. He drops it before Kasper and Jieun can raise their eyebrows at their hands. He takes a seat next to Joonmyun who can't seem to stop laughing, no one really knows at what, but his laugh is still contagious. Baekhyun sits on his other side and he's comfortable there, between Joonmyun and Baekhyun who both seem to be constant sources of shining light. He taps his chest, his flowers don't move, he doesn't think too much about it.

 

 

It was Joonmyun who suggested the movie night. It was a few days before the school year started back up again, and really, Yixing had no complaints. Baekhyun had insisted on watching Iron Man 2, to be specific, for the hundredth time. Of course, Yixing had caved, but Joonmyun seemed a little wary at first.

"Hyung, I promise you'll like it," Baekhyun says, as he pushes play on the DVD player and climbs back into Yixing's bed with the other two. He's lying on the left of Joonmyun, and Yixing on the other side. There's a bowl of popcorn in Joonmyun's lap, a few bottles of soda laying in between their bodies. Yixing refuses to call it a date, but it's kind of like a date. He's not sure who the third wheel is, though.

"I'll watch it, but Star Wars would've been a better choice." Joonmyun shrugs and eats a few pieces of popcorn. He's pouting, and it's just as cute when Baekhyun pouts.

"Hyung, Star Wars is like, a billion hours long."

Joonmyun sighs and furrows down in the bed between pillows and watches the screen as the Marvel title screen scrolls through. Yixing smiles at him, but he's sure Joonmyun didn't see it.

"Who's that?" Joonmyun asks, about three minutes into the movie.

"Ivan Vanko," Baekhyun replies distractedly. He's already fully submersed in the movie even though he's seen it more times than Yixing can count.

"Who?"

"Bad guy," Yixing whispers and Joonmyun nods with a hum. Baekhyun can recite this movie in his sleep, but Yixing always gets distracted by the English words and forgets to read subtitles, so he doesn't ever pay full attention to it. He steals glances at Joonmyun and Baekhyun to his side instead.

"Tony is a little…” Joonmyun trails off after probably the twentieth snarky comment made by the character in ten minutes.

"Hyung be quiet," Baekhyun grumbles and Joonmyun apologizes quietly.

About halfway through the movie Yixing feels a hand brush over his own. He looks over at Joonmyun, who's finally stopped asking questions after Baekhyun told him to shut up for the third time, and he doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything but the movie. He looks back down to where Joonmyun's hand is playing with his fingers. Lifting them and dropping them, ghosting his fingers on the back side of Yixing's hand.

He feels his ears heat up for no good reason, after all it's not like he's twelve, and he doesn't even like Joonmyun like that, they're friends. It’s not like Baekhyun doesn’t hold his hand all the time. But the more Joonmyun continues to play with Yixing's fingers, the more Yixing wants to wrap his arms around Joonmyun and fall asleep there.

It stops about half an hour later, with only fifteen minutes left of the movie. Yixing wants to whine a little, to get Joonmyun to play with his fingers again. When he looks over he sees Baekhyun leaning into Joonmyun's side, fast asleep, and Joonmyun's head resting atop of Baekhyun's, also asleep. Yixing smiles, feeling all kinds of soft, and climbs off his bed to grab an extra blanket to cover them with.

When he settles back in bed under the blanket he threw over the other two, he puts his hand under Joonmyun's like it was before, and no one has to know.

 

"You know, it wouldn't be all that hard to find someone who would do it," Joonmyun shrugs.

He's writing down notes in his notebook, his physics book underneath it. It's all gibberish to Yixing, honestly.

"Sure, people are crazy like that, but they could die. And we would be the ones to blame." Yixing glances over at Joonmyun, who looks back at him, a small smile on his lips.

"Okay, so, get someone we don't like."

"Joonmyun!"

Joonmyun laughs, his eyes crinkling and teeth shining in the light from the window. Yixing can't help but laugh along, he never can help himself.

"There's not even anyone you don't like." Yixing shakes his head and goes back to his computer, typing an outline for a future paper. "At least not that much."

"You'd be surprised."

"I already am," Yixing says as he raises his eyebrows. Joonmyun not liking someone seems like a foreign concept. He's even nice to people who are rude to him in public.

"Yixing-ah, I am a complex man."

Yixing only shakes his head, smiling to himself. There's still so much to learn about Joonmyun, he's not like Baekhyun, who Yixing has known since he was a kid. He won't lie to himself though, he can't wait to find out more.

"Oh my God, someone kill me," Baekhyun calls as he walks into Yixing's apartment. The door closes behind him, and Yixing can hear him grumbling from the other room as he takes off his shoes. Baekhyun walks through the doorway to Yixing's bedroom and just as Yixing moves his laptop, Baekhyun lays across both his and Joonmyun's laps.

"What's wrong, Baekhyunnie?" Joonmyun asks, practically cooing as he pats the one leg Baekhyun threw into his lap. The other still hanging off the edge.

"We have to so a group project for the whole semester. This professor sucks so much ass," Baekhyun whines as he flails his arms and it turns into a short yell. Yixing combs his fingers through Baekhyun's soft brown hair, scratching at his scalp.

"Oh, that sucks," Joonmyun says, voice full of sympathy, and Yixing hums in agreement. Group work is awful.

"What if I drop the class."

"You need it to graduate," Joonmyun reminds him and Baekhyun groans into his hands.

"You'll be alright, Baekhyun."

"Yeah, if I die, maybe.”

Yixing rolls his eyes and tugs at Baekhyun's hair gently so he'll get up, and Yixing can get back to his outline. Baekhyun whines but moves anyway and lays back on Yixing's bed in between the other two, staring up at the ceiling.

"What were you guys talking about?" Baekhyun hums as he puts his hands behind his head.

"The possibility of someone letting us stretch them," Joonmyun mumbles around the end of the pen in his mouth.

"What? Like in Willy Wonka?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Baekhyun his quiet for a moment before he speaks up again. "Couldn't you die?"

"Yeah," Joonmyun nods.

"Hmm. I think I'd try it. For a ton of money, though."

"If you died you wouldn't get the money," Yixing adds, and Baekhyun hums to himself.

"Well, I want it to go to a good place. You guys will make sure of it, right?"

"Baekhyun, this is all theoretical."

"Well, yeah, and so is the undisclosed amount of theoretical money," Baekhyun looks over to Joonmyun with raised eyebrows. Yixing snorts out a laugh and shakes his head as he closes his laptop. He can finish it later, after they eat.

"Fair enough," Joonmyun smiles softly at Baekhyun who beams back at him. When Joonmyun looks up at Yixing, he has the same soft smile and Yixing returns one of his own.

"Food?" Yixing asks and Baekhyun immediately stands up.

"Yes please, hyung!"

Joonmyun rolls his eyes fondly and sets his book aside to stand up and stretch. "Me too."

"The place down the road okay?"

Baekhyun and Joonmyun nod, following Yixing out of his room to put on their shoes. It's weird how easily they all fit together, but it's nice. Yixing likes listening to Baekhyun and Joonmyun's conversations about silly things and loves it when they ask his opinion on some wild scenario that could never happen. It's so easy, it makes Yixing forget.

They're there until the restaurant closes, just talking, and laughing. He's never met someone who fit so well with him and Baekhyun. Kasper and Jieun are great, really, but with Joonmyun it's somehow different. He settled in so fast, he weaved his way into Baekhyun and Yixing's life like he was always meant to be.

Maybe they drank a little too much, and they're a little too loud when they walk back to Yixing's apartment, but Yixing's cheeks haven't hurt from smiling in what seems like months and he feels light on his feet. He feels unashamed love for both of his friends. Yixing doesn’t feel an ounce of sadness the entire night.

 

Baekhyun's partner is loud, to say the least. Yixing is used to loud, he's best friends with Baekhyun after all. But this kid is on another level. His loudness only makes Baekhyun get louder and Yixing isn't sure how they haven't received noise complaints. Who knew so much noise could come out of two small bodies.

"Yah! Baekhyun! You idiot, you don't even know what happened in that part of the book how can you just assume?"

"Oh my, God, Jongdae," Baekhyun groans from the living room. Yixing is in the kitchen, feeling weirdly like a parent as he makes snacks for them all. Joonmyun will be there soon, so at least he won't be outnumbered by loudness.

Baekhyun's apartment is bigger, nicer, that's why they're here. Yixing likes it, usually, when it's just him and Baekhyun watching movies or talking about nothing at three a.m. when they have a class at eight the next morning. Today is a different story. He doesn't like it any less, per say, just isn't particularly fond of the noise level.

The two continue to yell at each other as Yixing makes enough instant ramen that looks like could feed an army. A hand comes in contact with the middle of his back making him jump in surprise and turn around, wielding cooking chopsticks in his hands.

Joonmyun looks shocked for a split second before he crumbles into laughter, throwing his head back and bringing his hand up to his mouth. "Oh my God, Yixing."

Yixing shoves him away, pouting and turns back to mixing the ramen. "Jerk," he mumbles halfheartedly. It only makes Joonmyun laugh harder.

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun wheezes, trying to compose himself. "I didn't mean to scare you, but that was hilarious to watch."

Yixing grumbles under his breath and ignores Joonmyun's soft giggles. The latter wraps his arms around Yixing's middle and presses his cheek into his back, squeezing him in a hug. Yixing ignores how it makes him feel warm. He's always liked affection anyway, this is no different. "I didn't mean to scare you, I apologize."

Yixing sighs with a hidden smile and wiggles until Joonmyun lets go of him. "You're forgiven."

Baekhyun and Jongdae yell from the living room and Yixing shakes his head, motioning for Joonmyun to grab bowls for them to eat out of.

"They're...loud," Joonmyun says and Yixing gives him a tell me about it look that makes him laugh. Yixing feeds him a bite of ramen directly out of the pot and Joonmyun gets broth all around his lips. Cute. Yixing wipes the mess off Joonmyun's face with a napkin and belatedly realizes how domestic it is. Joonmyun doesn't even seem bothered, but Yixing's entire body feels hot.

"Hey," Yixing says after he clears his throat and picks up the pot of ramen, heading for the living room, and motions for Joonmyun to do the same. "We have food."

Jongdae and Baekhyun immediately stop bickering and help Yixing and Joonmyun with the food. At least Jongdae is respectful. Yixing doesn't think he could handle Jongdae's loudness if he was rude.

They move the books off the coffee table and all sit around it to eat their ramen in mostly silence. Jongdae has nothing but praise for the first few bites, and it embarrasses Yixing. Jongdae smiles at him with a curled lipped mouth and cat eyes. Yixing doesn't understand how Baekhyun seems to meet the prettiest people.

Really, they don't get hardly anything done. After they eat, Jongdae and Baekhyun say they're too full to move. That lasts only about five minutes, until they start wrestling and Joonmyun and Yixing are forced to move out of the way. Yixing doesn't even finish two problems because they're so distracting and before he knows it Joonmyun has to leave. Yixing considers going with him, but he doesn't know if it would upset Baekhyun.

In the end, he decides on staying at Baekhyun's until Jongdae calls it a night and heads home.

They clean up the mess made during their supposed study time and sit back on Baekhyun's couch, leaving their work for tomorrow.

"Jongdae's nice, right?" Baekhyun asks as he rubs his eyes, fighting back a yawn.

"He's loud."

Baekhyun swats at Yixing's arm and whines. "Hey, I'm being serious!"

Baekhyun lays his head on Yixing's lap, grabbing the older's hands and putting them on his head. Yixing sighs fondly and combs his fingers through Baekhyun's hair slowly. "Yeah, he's nice. Why?"

Baekhyun just shrugs, letting his eyes fall closed. Yixing refuses to let himself think of the scenario he's sure that will happen, it'll be fine. There's a fluttering in his throat and he reaches up with his free hand, tapping on the base of his neck. He wants it to just be a cough, the weather is starting to get cooler after all. He knows it's not.

 

 

"Hey, you good?" Joonmyun waves his hand in front of Yixing's face, getting his attention. Yixing raises his eyebrows at Joonmyun who has a small pout on his face. He tries a smile, but he's not sure it comes out that way.

"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry. Just distracted." Yixing tries to soothe Joonmyun, but it's obvious that it doesn't work. His brows are still creased, and his mouth is downturned. It's happening again, just like it always does. This time Yixing can't even be upset about it. It’s not like he knew it wasn’t going to happen.

Baekhyun has his project that's due eventually, and Jongdae is his partner, who Baekhyun is attracted to. Yixing is sure Jongdae likes Baekhyun back, as well. He's fine, because he has Joonmyun to keep him company. That doesn't stop him from getting lost in his thoughts, though.

He hears Joonmyun sigh across from him at the table in the library, and he lets the subject drop. Yixing feels bad, it's not that he wants to shut Joonmyun out, he just doesn't want him to worry. It doesn't seem to be working all that well.

"Do you want to go get steamed buns? There's a new stall down the road from the library," Joonmyun asks as he puts away his books. It's obvious he's trying to cheer Yixing up, and he's more that grateful.

"I'd love that." Yixing smiles and follows Joonmyun's lead. They leave the warm library to be met with cool early fall night winds. Joonmyun wraps a scarf around Yixing, and Yixing gives him an extra pair of gloves. They walk side by side down the street until they reach the stall, a small cheerful grandmother behind the metal counter hurriedly making them fresh buns. She chats with them while she makes them and ends up sending them away with extras.

Yixing picks at the steamed bun in his hand as they walk to the tram. Joonmyun stays quiet, Yixing supposes it's because he doesn't know what to say. That's alright, Yixing doesn't either.

This time around is weird. He should be coughing up flowers and feeling exhausted beyond compare. He can feel the weight in the chest where they've grown, but they're not flourishing this time. Not like they usually do when Baekhyun meets someone new. Yixing doesn't know what changed. He's still very much in love with Baekhyun, that will never change. It quite literally could be the death of him. Will probably be the death of him.

He huffs out a quiet breath, lost in the cool wind, and pushes those thoughts out of his head. Not while Joonmyun is here, Yixing thinks to himself.

The tram is busy and Yixing and Joonmyun are squished together standing in the middle with others trying to get home.

Up close like this Yixing can see the stubble growing on Joonmyun's chin, and just how chapped his lips are from the wind. He fishes around his coat pocket until he finds a chapstick and holds it in between their faces.

"Is this your way of trying to tell me my lips are a mess while being polite?" Joonmyun chuckles but takes the stick anyway and coats his lips. He rubs them together and Yixing has to look away. "Thank you."

"No problem," Yixing smiles weakly. His head is spinning a little, he's just ready to get home.

When the tram comes to a stop Joonmyun slings his arm around Yixing's shoulders and they walk to his apartment. He can't get himself to say anything, there's too many thoughts swimming in his head.

Yixing heads to his room as soon as they get inside and Joonmyun tells him he'll be right there. He curls under his blankets and takes in a deep breath, nothing. No fluttering, no coughing. He doesn't know what happens when the love is finally requited, but he doesn't think the flower stays there.

Two light knocks sound on his door as Joonmyun walks in with water and a bowl of soup for them each. Yixing's heart breaks and swells at the same time.

"I don't want you to come down with a cold," Joonmyun explains as he sits next to Yixing, careful not to spill the broth. Yixing sits up and leans his head on Joonmyun's shoulder as he takes a warm bowl into his lap.

"Thank you."

"It's nothing."

 

Rain in the fall is the second worst, rain in the winter being the worst. The gloominess puts a damper on his favorite season. Bad things always seem to happen on dreary fall days, as well. Yixing thinks that it might be fate that it always happens that way, but maybe it’s just coincidence.

Yixing, Baekhyun, and Joonmyun sit in a booth in a coffee shop on campus, on the opposite side of the one where Minseok works, but that goes unsaid and Joonmyun has never asked. He and Baekhyun are on one side, Joonmyun on the other, since Baekhyun got out of class late. Baekhyun holds his to go cup to his rosy cheeks in attempt to warm them up as they talk.

It's warm in the shop, and the light rain patters against the window to Yixing's left. It's calming in every way. But, Joonmyun looks a little down, and it puts Yixing on edge. He thinks that Baekhyun catches it, too. His fingers are scratching at the paper to go cup filled with hot chocolate in his hands, nails making an awful noise.

"Guys, I have an announcement," Joonmyun starts, getting both of their attention, not like he didn't have it before. Baekhyun urges him to go on with a nod and a soft smile. Yixing watches him, not meaning to keep him at an arm’s length, but he knows he’s doing it anyway. "I was accepted to study abroad."

Their first reaction is elation, of course.

"Oh my, God, Joonmyun," Yixing breathes out a smile spreading over his face. Baekhyun finished his sentence as he reaches out for Joonmyun’s hand to squeeze.

"That's amazing!" Baekhyun is brighter than the sun in June. Warm and radiating excitement and promise.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Yixing feels like the first snow in December. Untouched and delicate, waiting to be trampled on.

Joonmyun looks like the first day of spring. Blossoming and brand new, hopeful for new days ahead. A sheepish smile is tugging at his lips as he looks down at his mostly empty cup. "I wanted to keep it a secret just in case it didn't work out."

"Where are you going?" Baekhyun asks and Yixing's world slows, just minutely. He feels his smile falter on his face ever so slightly and his heart sink to his stomach. Study abroad means Joonmyun is leaving. He doesn’t want to be upset, he wants to be happy for Joonmyun and for what that means for Joonmyun, but he doesn’t want to be left again. He’s always being left, but Joonmyun would never do that to him.

"England," Joonmyun looks up, eyes sparkling in the low lights of the shop. England. That’s the other side of the world, so far away from this coffee shop and their apartments. It’s in a whole other world.

"When... When do you leave?"

Yixing feels Baekhyun's hand on his leg, just above his knee. His thumb is rubbing circles on the fabric of his pants, trying to relax him. Baekhyun knows, tries to understand. Maybe Baekhyun does understand, Yixing wants to believe that he does, but doesn’t want the reality of what that means for Baekhyun.

"End of January. So, we have plenty of time. Don't worry, Yixing," Joonmyun smiles softly and reaches out to grab Yixing's hand, squeezing gently. Joonmyun does, too. Yixing nods, forcing a smile on his face.

"The three of us will go places together as much as possible," Baekhyun promises, bumping his shoulder into Yixing's and Joonmyun nods, promise in his eyes.

"I won't let a second go to waste."

The rain patters against the glass, sliding down to the window sill and falling to the ground. Yixing really has the two best friends in the world. He can be happy for both of them, no matter what. Rainy fall days be damned.

 

“What do you think of Jongdae?” Joonmyun asks as he mixes vegetables together, making more of a mess than anything. Yixing looks over at Joonmyun from the stove, not able to read his expression. The question could mean anything, and Joonmyun isn’t letting Yixing have a hint of what it could be.

“He’s nice,” he shrugs and steps away from the ramen as he puts a lid on it. “Why?”

“No reason.”

Yixing nods slowly, and takes a drink of his beer, still watching Joonmyun. Of course it means something, he wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t.

“Let me try some,” Yixing says instead of trying to pry anything out of Joonmyun and opens his mouth asking for a bite. Joonmyun picks up a sauce covered carrot and puts it in Yixing’s mouth and Yixing hums in approval.

“You made it, of course it’s you like it.” Joonmyun rolls his eyes with a smile and Yixing laughs, bumping his shoulder against Joonmyun’s.

“You did a good job at mixing it.”

“It’s almost your birthday,” Joonmyun says after a few moments and he looks to Yixing with sparkling eyes that definitely don’t make Yixing’s heart race like it does with Baekhyun. “What do you want?”

Yixing shrugs again, because truthfully, he doesn’t really know. Baekhyun has always been a fan of surprises and always seems to get Yixing just what he didn’t know he wanted or needed. Every gift Baekhyun has given him has held some sort of close meaning to his heart, that nothing could replace. It’s hard to think of something simple.

“When you think of something, let me know.”

Yixing nods and goes back to the stove, taking the lid off the ramen and stirring it around. The food is done and Baekhyun should be here any moment. Since he’s still busy with his project with Jongdae, and busy with Jongdae in general, he doesn’t spend as much time around as he normally would. Joonmyun doesn’t think much of it, but Yixing is all too aware of everything. Yixing wanted to spend as much time with both of them before Joonmyun left, but Baekhyun will always be Baekhyun.

“Come on, help me get this stuff out in the living room,” Joonmyun says as he carries out simple side dishes and three bowls for each of them. Yixing follows him with the pot of noodles in his hands and a hot pad clenched between his teeth. Joonmyun shakes his head at the sight and takes the hot pad out of Yixing’s mouth and sets it on the low table.

Just as Yixing sits down next to Joonmyun, the front door opens and Baekhyun walks in, dripping from the cold autumn rain. “Guys it’s so cold out,” he whines through chattering teeth and Joonmyun grabs a blanket off the couch to hand over once Baekhyun gets his coat off.

“Luckily, we made something hot, then,” Joonmyun says as he waits for Baekhyun. Yixing watches the youngest toe off his shoes and grab the blanket, wrapping it around his frame.

“I’m pretty sure Yixing hyung probably made this,” Baekhyun laughs as he steps over Joonmyun’s legs to squeeze himself between the two of them. Yixing’s body never seems to get used to Baekhyun touching him, because each time he feels like he’s caught on fire. This time is no different.

“He was a good helper.”

“Thank you.”

Baekhyun dishes out ramen for everyone in their bowls and piles on each of the side dishes that he knows they like. Yixing has never had to tell Baekhyun what he wanted, he always has just known. It seems to be the case for Joonmyun as well. Baekhyun talks about his classes and listens to Yixing and Joonmyun’s stories as well. Yixing doesn’t let how easy this seems between the three of them go missing. They all seem to work in unison, without having to say a word.

It has always been easy with Baekhyun, and sometimes it’s easy with other people, but never like it is with Baekhyun. Until Joonmyun. Yixing doesn’t know what to make of it. He can sit and listen to them both talk for hours, kind of like he’s doing now, and be content. Joonmyun is his friend, who is leaving for half the year soon, and Yixing can’t afford to think of him any way else. Not that he does, because they’re just friends.

“Yixing?” Joonmyun says, bumping their shoulders together. Yixing raises his eyebrows as he’s pulled out of his thoughts.

“Hm?”

“Are you going to come study with us and Jongdae tomorrow?” Baekhyun asks and Yixing’s heart fizzles a bit. They’re partners for a project, he reminds himself, just so he doesn’t get carried away.

“Yeah, sure.” He finishes off the last of his ramen as Joonmyun and Baekhyun continue their conversation. He doesn’t miss the way Joonmyun’s hand is suddenly on his shoulder, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. Just friends.

After all the food is gone, and the dirty dishes are in the sink waiting to be washed, Joonmyun is the first to leave, he has to be up early tomorrow for a lab. Baekhyun and Yixing bid him farewell and promise to see him tomorrow. The front door clicks shut and Baekhyun yawns, leaning further into Yixing.

“It’s almost your birthday, old man,” he mutters and Yixing snorts, rolling his eyes.

“Joonmyun is older than I am, and you’re barely younger than me.” Yixing leans back against his still broken futon and watches the people on the TV screen run around. Baekhyun had put on some variety show for background noise when they were cleaning up.

“Still an old man.”

Yixing tugs on Baekhyun’s ear gently making the younger whine and swat away Yixing’s hand. “Why are you reminding me of my age.”

Baekhyun shrugs a little and rubs his eyes, fighting sleep like a little kid would. “Just excited.”

Yixing rolls his eyes again and stands up, pulling Baekhyun with him to his bedroom to sleep. Baekhyun’s feet shuffle across the floor, because he’s too lazy to pick them up, and normally Yixing would hate it, but it’s Baekhyun, so, how could he?

Once they’re settled under the blankets, Baekhyun rolls to his stomach, and looks at Yixing, sleepy eyes watching him quietly. His cheeks plush and eyes sparkling, even in the dark. “I really like him.”

“I know,” Yixing whispers, petals fluttering in his lungs on cue. He knew that it was coming, he didn’t think there was any stopping it. “You get along really well. He’s just like you.”

“What if I get a mole,” Baekhyun asks, sounding worried and exhausted. Yixing sighs softly and pulls Baekhyun to him, rubbing his back.

“It’ll be okay.”

Baekhyun has never been afraid of love or being in love, he has all the love in the world in his body to give and give, but Yixing supposes after a while of giving without getting, he’d be scared, too. Christ, he _is_ scared right now. Scared Baekhyun will never love him back, scared that Joonmyun won’t return from England when he leaves.

“It’ll be okay,” he repeats. Not sure if it’s for Baekhyun or for himself. Baekhyun nods, and half forces a small smile on his face. He falls asleep soon after, and Yixing is left lying awake in bed, listening to Baekhyun’s steady breathing.

Normally he’d feel whole like this, even with their last conversation still fresh in his mind. Just him and Baekhyun, quietly and serene and just them. But now it feels like a little piece is missing, something that connects the two of them. Yixing falls asleep and dreams of wide toothy grins and hiccup-y laughter, of boxy smiles and shining eyes.

 

Joonmyun meets them at the library after his lab, looking tired but grateful to be done. Jongdae greets him with a smile and a too loud laugh from beside Baekhyun, who smiles brightly when he sees Joonmyun. Yixing places his hand on the small of Joonmyun’s back, pressing slightly for a moment before pulling away and going back to typing.

Truthfully, being there with just Baekhyun and Jongdae wasn’t all that bad. Jongdae is insufferably kind hearted and it makes it hard for Yixing to dislike him even in the slightest. He obviously isn’t big into PDA, though. Yixing noticed how he wouldn’t let Baekhyun get too carried away with the touchiness. He wants to think that Jongdae doesn’t want Yixing to be the third wheel, but that’s not all that likely.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Joonmyun leans over and whispers as Yixing spins his pen in his fingers, trying to avoid staring at Baekhyun and Jongdae’s linked fingers for too long. He looks over to Joonmyun instead, eyebrows raised. He looks so soft today, his hair falling across his forehead, threatening to cover his eyes, looks like it’s made to have fingers ran through it.

“I’m fine?” Yixing tilts his head a little and Joonmyun nods once, but his gaze lingers for a few moments longer. Like he’s trying to figure out if Yixing is telling the truth.

“So,” Jongdae’s voice cuts through their little staring game. “England, huh?”

Joonmyun pulls his eyes away from Yixing to look at Jongdae with a smile. Yixing goes back to scribbling definitions in a notebook to be rewritten later. Someone kicks him lightly in the shin sometime later, and he looks up to see Baekhyun smiling at him, eyes in pretty crescents on his face.

Yixing gives Baekhyun a ‘What?’ look and he only shrugs in response, smile growing wider. He’s happy, and Yixing is happy.

“I’m so tired of staring at the same page, it’s been like forty billion hours,” Jongdae grumbles as he slumps down on the table and over his books. Baekhyun laughs and pats the back of his head lightly.

“It’s only been an hour and a half,” Baekhyun chides softly and it only makes Jongdae whine more.

“We should go eat,” Joonmyun offers and Jongdae immediately perks up.

“Beer, too?”

“Yeah, sure. Beer, too.” Joonmyun shakes his head as he packs his stuff away. Quality time with the four of them won’t be too bad, Yixing thinks to himself. Joonmyun is leaving soon, and he knows that Baekhyun will be too, in his own way. They gather their things and end up going to Baekhyun’s favorite barbeque place not too far outside of campus.

The four of them settle in a booth near the back and probably order way too much food. Yixing can’t help but notice how nice Jongdae is, and how polite he is. Frankly, it’s kind of irritating him. He wants a reason to not like him, but he just can’t find one.

He looks down at his lap to see Joonmyun’s hand resting on his knee, rubbing slow circles against the fabric of Yixing’s jeans. He looks over to Joonmyun who has a smile on his face as he talks to Jongdae about some Star Wars fan lore thing. Yixing quite literally feels his heart sigh fondly, which is ridiculous. He bumps his shoulder into Joonmyun’s lightly and steals a bite of rice from Baekhyun’s bowl he has in front of him.

“Hyung, get your own food!” Baekhyun whines and Yixing laughs with his mouth full of food and shakes his head. He tries to reach for a bite again but Baekhyun swats his hands away with a smile and holds the bowl to his chest.

“Sharing is caring,” Yixing faux pouts, sticking his bottom lip out and batting his eyelashes at Baekhyun. Baekhyun glares at him and takes another bite of his rice, grains falling down his chin and onto his shirt and lap. Yixing shakes his head and lets his hand rest on top of Joonmyun’s that’s still on his leg. It’s alright, he thinks.

Jongdae calls over a waitress and orders more alcohol, Yixing doesn’t even remember finishing the one he started with.

He and Jongdae take turns flipping over the grilling meat in the middle of the table, while Baekhyun whines about being hungry. Joonmyun feeds Baekhyun a small bite of pork belly and it quiets him down for a little while.

“Baekhyun told me it was your birthday soon, Yixing,” Jongdae says as he shuts off the flame and Baekhyun immediately snatches meat off the grill for himself. Yixing looks up and raises his eyebrows at Baekhyun who just shrugs as he chews happily between drinks of beer.

“Yeah, I’m getting old,” Yixing chuckles and Joonmyun groans, squeezing Yixing’s legs.

“If you’re old, I’m ready for retirement.”

Jongdae laughs loudly, hand covering the food in his mouth. God, why does he have to be so damn polite. Joonmyun’s joke wasn’t even that funny. Yixing bumps into Joonmyun again and takes a bite of pork belly, humming and content with the way it tastes.

“Are you going to have a party or anything?” Jongdae asks as he opens another beer for himself, that has to be his fifth one already.

Yixing shakes his head and Joonmyun and Baekhyun yell at the same time, making each other laugh.

“He’s having a party,” Baekhyun deadpans and Joonmyun nods once, making Yixing roll his eyes. He doesn’t even want a party. What’s the point in one, anyway? He’s just getting older.

“I don’t need one. We can just hang out at one of our places, or something.”

“With cake and confetti and all of his friends.”

“Baekhyun,” Yixing sighs, giving him a look.

“Yixing,” Baekhyun mocks him and shoves more food in his mouth.

Joonmyun elbows Yixing in the side gently to get his attention and holds out a lettuce wrap for him to eat. Yixing opens wide and Joonmyun laughs as he forces the food into Yixing’s mouth.

Yixing doesn’t get why people keep bringing up his birthday, it’s not really even that big of a deal. Not to him, at least. He isn’t really that used to having so many people other than Baekhyun around him, so maybe that’s why. He sits back, leaning into the cushion of the booth and watches as the other three laugh and talk amongst each other. Joonmyun’s hand found its place back on Yixing’s knee, warm and familiar and it doesn’t seem like he intends on moving it any time soon.

After too many drinks, Yixing pulls Joonmyun out of the booth to go pay for the extra things they bought and leave Baekhyun and Jongdae to clean up the mess as good as they can. Joonmyun’s cheeks are flushed from the alcohol, and it makes Yixing want to kiss them.

Yixing tells himself that it’s the alcohol talking.

When they come back to the booth Yixing and Joonmyun find Baekhyun pressing Jongdae into the corner of the booth, their lips connected, Baekhyun’s hand on Jongdae’s waist. The laughter that was bubbling from Yixing’s throat at something Joonmyun said immediately dies out. Joonmyun must feel him tense up beside him because all the sudden he’s being pulled away from the table and being told to wait outside.

Yixing lets his feet guide him outside, and he sits on a bench, feeling sort of empty. The cold fall air is hurting his warm cheeks. He tells himself he won’t cry. The petals shift in his chest, aggravating his lungs and making his throat constrict. He doesn’t know how long he sits there and watches the cars zoom past and people walk by him, holding hands and laughing. But, then Joonmyun comes out of the restaurant, Jongdae and Baekhyun trailing not far behind him. Their hands are locked together. Baekhyun drank too much to notice anything is wrong at all, instead he’s giggling into his hand as Joonmyun helps Yixing stand up.

Joonmyun locks arms with Yixing and they walk quietly to the train station to go back home, Jongdae and Baekhyun trailing behind them.

Baekhyun and Jongdae get off at Jongdae’s stop, leaving Yixing and Joonmyun alone. Yixing has spent the entire ride trying not to cry, trying to keep himself together. Joonmyun is sitting next to him, still staying quiet as their shoulders press together.

“Do you want me to come in?” Joonmyun asks as Yixing unlocks his door. Yixing nods and drops his backpack by the door and walks to the bathroom. Yixing closes his eyes and crouches down, leaning his forehead against the edge of the counter. He should be coughing out pounds of petals, they should be filling up the sink and the waste basket. Only a few that he spits into the sink come. They swirl down the drain, and Yixing stares at them, feeling hurt boiling in his stomach.

It doesn’t make sense. He knows he loves Baekhyun, if he didn’t he wouldn’t feel like _this_. He knows that his feelings haven’t changed since he was sixteen. Yixing can still physically feel the flowers in his chest, he can feel the petals flutter against his lungs, he can feel them in his throat. It doesn’t make any sense that they’re coming less and less.

Yixing wipes a few stray tears from his cheeks before he leaves the bathroom and finds Joonmyun in the kitchen, sitting at the table with two glasses of water for them each. Joonmyun’s is mostly gone, and Yixing wonders how long he was in the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” Joonmyun asks as he stands when he notices Yixing walk into the room. Yixing offers him a weak smile and a nod as he takes the glass of water and drinks half of it in one go.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about all that, it was dumb.”

He hears Joonmyun sigh and when Yixing looks up at him there’s a frown creased on his forehead.

“Yixing…”

“We probably won’t see Baekhyun much for a while.” Yixing walks to his bedroom and Joonmyun follows him quietly. He doesn’t like how it feels so tense. He hates how Joonmyun knows that Baekhyun kissing Jongdae hurt him. Yixing sits on his bed, patting the spot next to him for Joonmyun to join him, before turning on the TV. Joonmyun stares at him for a while, worry still crystal clear on his face, but eventually gives in and sits next to Yixing.

“Can I ask you something?”

Yixing taps his nails on the glass in his hands as he nods his head, waiting for Joonmyun to ask him if he’s in love with Baekhyun.

“Are you happy?”

Yixing’s fingers freeze and he looks over to Joonmyun, who’s looking back with an expression that Yixing can’t decipher. He could say yes, and it wouldn’t technically be a lie. He has happy moments. Joonmyun makes him happy, Baekhyun makes him happy, the dance studio makes him happy. Yixing chews on the inside of his cheek and looks away, watching the water in his glass ripple from his movements. If he says no, he wouldn’t be lying then, either. He is dying, how could he be happy when he’s suffocating?

“I’m fine,” Yixing decides to say and he hears Joonmyun sigh sadly. It hurts his heart in more ways than one.

“Come on, let’s get you to sleep,” Joonmyun says, changing the subject and Yixing hands him his glass before crawling up the rest of the way on his bed and getting under the covers. He watches as Joonmyun moves around the room, trying to make it more comfortable.

“Will you stay tonight?” Yixing asks, his voice so quiet he doesn’t think that Joonmyun heard him at first. Joonmyun turns to look at him, face soft in the low light from the lamp that he just switched on moments prior. He nods and Yixing smiles at him the best he can. Yixing lets himself be grateful for the company. Especially when he doesn’t usually get it on nights like these.

“Do you have, um. Do you have any sleeping pants I can borrow? I don’t really want to wear these jeans to bed.” Joonmyun looks around, rocking back on his heels a little. It’s kind of cute, Yixing notes. He seems nervous. Now that Yixing thinks about it, this is the first time Joonmyun has ever stayed over. Maybe he was overstepping by asking.

Yixing sits up and points to the dresser wedged in the corner of his room. “Yeah, second drawer down.” He fixes the blankets in his lap before speaking up again. “Joonmyun, if you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to. It’s alright.”

Joonmyun turns to him with a frown on his face, bottom lip threatening to pout. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Yixing digs the tip of his tongue into his molars, feeling the groves and shrugs a little. “It’s just your first time, I guess. I didn’t know if you were comfortable with it.”

Joonmyun laughs softly to himself and pulls out a pair of plaid pants to change into. It kind of makes Yixing’s stomach turn in a weird way he’s not quite used to.

“I’m a big kid, Yixing. If I wasn’t comfortable I wouldn’t have said yes.”

Yixing figures that’s true enough and lays back down in bed when Joonmyun excuses himself to the bathroom to wash his face and change. Yixing supposes they haven’t quite crossed _that_ barrier, yet. Or Joonmyun is just very adamant about his skin care routine.

Yixing rests his hand flat on his chest, in between his lungs and frowns to himself. The flowers are there, just not doing much. It doesn’t make sense.

Yixing wakes to the bed shifting in weight, making him roll slightly out of where he’s curled on his side.

“Shh, go back to sleep, Yixing-ah,” Joonmyun whispers as he lays down and pulls the blankets back up to Yixing’s chin. He thinks he feels finger tips grazing along his cheek slowly.

“Thanks, Joonmyun,” Yixing mumbles as he lets his eyes slip back shut. He’s not awake long enough to hear if Joonmyun replies or not.

When Yixing wakes the next morning, Joonmyun’s hair is in his face, and one of his hands is resting directly on his chest, a heavy pressure pushing down on the flowers. He wheezes slightly before moving Joonmyun’s hand slowly off his chest. He almost places it on the bed but decides in the last second just to push it down a few inches. He can’t move anywhere else without waking Joonmyun, so he stays put, listening to Joonmyun’s quiet breathing next to him. It almost lulls Yixing back to sleep but Joonmyun makes a soft noise and yaws as he stretches out his legs.

Joonmyun lifts his head all of the sudden, and hits it against Yixing’s jaw, making his teeth clank together. They both groan, holding their assaulted areas for a few moments before Joonmyun sits up, kneeling on the bed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to invade your personal space,” he mumbles as he rubs his head. His brow is furrowed, cutely might Yixing add, and his face is a little swollen from sleep. Yixing can even see the creases in his cheek from the pillow. “Oh, it looks like I got you back for drooling on me on the tram.”

Yixing looks down at his shirt, damp with drool and he laughs softly, Joonmyun joining and laying back down next to Yixing.

“I like cuddling,” Yixing says after the laughter dies out and Joonmyun stays quiet, so Yixing continues. “So, you don’t have to worry about invading my personal space. I hardly have any. Baekhyun made sure I got rid of that probably a month after I met him.”

Joonmyun’s question from the night before comes rushing back to him all at once, and it kind of feels like a bucket of cold water was dumped on him. With the memory of the question comes the memory of seeing Baekhyun and Jongdae kiss. Joonmyun must sense that something is wrong because Yixing feels his arm move in between their bodies. He hesitates before placing his hand on Yixing’s and lacing their fingers together. Yixing breathes out slowly and forces back the urge to cry. Why does he even want to cry? Joonmyun squeezes his hand once but doesn’t say anything. Yixing thinks that he’s saying a lot.

Yixing doesn’t know how long they lay there for, but it’s long enough for Yixing’s hand to get sweaty, but not long enough for him to want to pull it away and wipe the sweat on the blanket.

“You deserve to be happy, you know,” Joonmyun says, barely above a whisper. Almost like he’s afraid to break the heavy silence that’s fallen between them. Yixing internally winces and forces himself to not refute what Joonmyun said.

“Joonmyun…”

“I know, you don’t want to talk about it, or whatever, but it’s true.” Joonmyun shrugs the best he can while laying down. It reminds Yixing too much of when he and Baekhyun were teenagers and they were in the same position, having practically the same conversation.

 

_“It’s, like, he was an asshole, anyway,” Yixing said as he looked over at a heartbroken Baekhyun. The tears had long dried, but Yixing could see his bottom lip quivering, threatening to let the dam of tears break again. “You deserve better.”_

_“Yeah, but what if I don’t?” Baekhyun asked, his voice scratchy and broken. Yixing’s heart had turned to lead at the sound. “What if this is all I’m meant to be? Heartbroken Baekhyun.”_

_Yixing had sat up and stared at Baekhyun, disbelieving and upset that his friend would ever say that. His human embodiment of sunshine of a best friend. Yixing never wanted to know a sad Baekhyun. Before the first time he had seen him cry, Yixing didn’t even think it was possible for him to be sad._

_“Byun Baekhyun.”_

_“Zhang Yixing. You sound like my mom when she’s scolding me. Stop.”_

_Yixing rolled his eyes and let go of Baekhyun’s hand. Baekhyun propped himself up on his elbows and stared back at Yixing. His sadness turned into something akin to annoyance, maybe frustration. He was challenging Yixing to speak his mind. So, he did._

_“Don’t ever fucking say that again.”_

_Baekhyun’s lips parted in shock as the words registered in his mind. Yixing never swore._

_“You’re lying to yourself if you think you’re going to let yourself stay sad forever. That you’ll be Heartbroken Baekhyun. That’s such a load of shit, and you know it. Fuck Lu Han. Who cares about him? Because I don’t.” Yixing exhaled through his nose loudly. Baekhyun was still staring at him, dumbstruck. “You shouldn’t either.”_

_“Yixing, it’s not that easy,” Baekhyun started and Yixing had barked out a laugh and rolled his eyes._

_“Do you think I don’t know?”_

_“Who have you had your heart broken by, then?” Baekhyun sat up the rest of the way, leveling his eyes with Yixing and challenging him further. This was a better Baekhyun than that sad one from moments ago. Of course, Yixing couldn’t just say ‘You Baekhyun. You break my heart every day!’ So, he just shook his head and crossed his arms across his chest._

_“Does it matter? Point is, I’m not letting you mope around because of some loser. It’s been weeks, Baekhyun.”_

_“You’re being kind of an asshole, you know that, right?”_

_“Do you hate me?”_

_Baekhyun had stared at him for a few moments before sighing._

_“No.”_

_Yixing nodded and reached out to pat Baekhyun’s cheek. Soft and full. Yixing wished he could kiss them, but that was a thought for another time._

_“Good. This is our last summer before uni, and I’m not about to let you mope about some guy the entire time. You’d hate me if I did.”_

_Baekhyun had rolled his eyes and tackled Yixing back onto his bed, smothering him in a hug._

_“I’m still kinda sad,” Baekhyun had mumbled into his chest and Yixing had pat his back gently in understanding._

_“That’s alright. You deserve happiness, don’t forget it.”_

_Baekhyun had groaned, and Yixing knew it was because he didn’t know how to accept Yixing’s sappy words. He was okay with that._

 

Yixing knew that Joonmyun wouldn’t sit up and yell sense into him, there wasn’t really a point to it, anyway. Joonmyun squeezes Yixing’s hand gently, silently letting the subject go.

“We have all day to ourselves, what do you want to do?”

Joonmyun looks over to Yixing with a small smile, and it makes Yixing’s stomach do a flip.

“Let’s start with coffee, first,” Joonmyun says softly and Yixing squeezes his hand back. Maybe this time won’t be so bad, after all. Not with someone like Joonmyun by his side.

“Sounds like a plan,” Yixing says with a smile, and it doesn’t even feel forced. It’s a nice change, albeit a little foreign.

 

“Happy birthday!”

Yixing groans and pulls his pillow over his head as his friends climb onto his bed, bouncing and singing way too loudly. Someone is full on jumping, probably Baekhyun. Someone else has a gentle hand on his back, rubbing slow circles, probably Joonmyun. He peeks out from under his pillow to see Joonmyun’s smiling face, shiny white teeth and crinkly eye smile. Yixing forces himself not to break out into a grin on the spot. Then Baekhyun’s laughing face joins Joonmyun’s as he pulls away the pillow, this time Yixing does break out into a grin.

“Good morning, old man!” Baekhyun yells, far too loudly and he hears Jieun somewhere behind him complain about Baekhyun being too loud. Yixing flips over and stretches out and sees Kasper and Jongdae are also there. Jieun is holding a cake carefully in her hands, number candles lit, waiting for him to make a wish. He sits up the rest of the way, his hair poking out in a million different directions as he rubs his eyes and blows out the candles. His friends all cheer and he can’t help but laugh. He thinks that he’s the happiest when he’s with them.

“We have so much to do today,” Baekhyun says with a clap and Yixing rolls his eyes, there’s no way Baekhyun is going to drag him around town. Birthdays should be for sleeping the day away, at least by Yixing’s standards. Joonmyun sits next to him on his bed and nudges him a little, getting his attention.

“Happy birthday, Yixing-ah,” he says and Yixing smiles leaning back into him as a silent thank you. Baekhyun basically climbs into Yixing’s lap and pats his cheek gently.

“Now, get up,” Baekhyun says as he pinches Yixing’s cheek. Yixing groans and pushes Baekhyun’s hand away.

They eventually pull Yixing out of bed and into the kitchen to far too much food for any of them to eat. Jieun and Kasper bicker over stealing food of each other’s plates. Baekhyun and Jongdae seem to be in their own little bubble, except Baekhyun is halfway out today. He’s doting on Yixing, like he normally would. Yixing doesn’t want it to be a half-in-half-out sort of day. Joonmyun is sitting next to him, a hand on his back, on his leg, laughing brightly and making the room fill with sunshine. Yixing doesn’t think that he’s poetic, but if Joonmyun were the sun, Yixing, undoubtedly, would be the dark side of the moon. Baekhyun is the sun, as well, a more distant sun, but still bright and warm. Yixing can still feel him.

After breakfast, they drag Yixing to a place outside of campus that reminds him too much of his home with his mother in China. He reminds himself to call her and talk to her, his grandmother too. He knows that this was Baekhyun’s idea. As far as he knows, Kasper and Jieun think he’s lived in Korea his whole life and Joonmyun just isn’t familiar enough, yet.

Yixing can’t even be upset about Jongdae being there, he’s too nice all the time. His manners would make Yixing’s grandmother want to adopt him in a heartbeat. Yixing can practically hear her telling him ‘Ah, look at this fine young boy, Yixing. What a fine man he’ll be.’ It makes him laugh quietly to himself, but he doesn’t think anyone notices.

“I’ll see you later tonight,” Jongdae says, mostly to Baekhyun. They bid him farewell and he walks off, busying himself until the biggest not surprise of the day. It’s nice being with people Yixing considers himself closest too. Kasper’s jokes and Jieun’s rebuttals lift the last of the weight resting on Yixing’s shoulders.

Before Yixing even realizes, they’re walking into a bowling alley, he’s awful at bowling, and going to lane decorated with balloons and ribbons. Kasper makes him wear a party hat, that is terribly embarrassing, and Joonmyun somehow makes an even more embarrassing joke. It involves him squawking into a pointed party hat, imitating a bird, or maybe an offended old lady, Yixing can’t really tell.

“Who goes first?” Joonmyun asks, a ball in his hands that looks like is weighing him down. Yixing smiles at him and motions forward for him to go.

“Ladies first,” Yixing says and the others erupt into laughter. They’d somehow gotten ahold of beer already. Joonmyun makes a face at him but throws the ball anyway.

“I know you’re the birthday boy and all, but damn Yixing,” Joonmyun mutters as he sits back down after getting a spare. Yixing plops down next to him, throwing his arm over his shoulders and smiling widely.

“It’s all fun and games, Joonmyun-ah.”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes with a smile and shoves Yixing away as he snatches Baekhyun’s beer and taking a drink. Baekhyun makes a noise similar to the one that Joonmyun made earlier and beer almost comes out of Yixing’s nose. He loves his friends.

The only thing he can brag about, other than his friends, is not being the worst bowler there. Jieun and Kasper’s scores combined equal his measly 100 points. It makes Yixing feel a little better about his score.

 Kasper and Jieun leave first, saying they have to help set up the Big Surprise, which Yixing isn’t dreading as much as he thought he would be. Joonmyun is outside trying to help them get a cab, as he and Baekhyun pick up the rest of their mess.

“Yixing,” Baekhyun starts and Yixing looks up from where he’s grabbing beer bottles off the table. “I don’t think that anyone else is going to give you a present tonight, and I wanted to do it in private. Um, here.”

Baekhyun holds out a small white box, it’s not wrapped or anything, but Yixing braces himself for impact. He knows that whatever is in the box, he’s likely to cry. Baekhyun does it to him every year, without fail. Yixing takes the box and wiggles the lid off after setting down the bottles with a soft clang.

“Baekhyun,” Yixing breathes out as he pulls out a small sterling silver bracelet. One that Yixing has seen every day for nearly as long as he’s loved Baekhyun. “Baekhyun, I can’t accept this. This is yours.”

When Yixing looks up, the bracelet hanging gingerly from his fingers, Baekhyun is smiling at him softly. It makes him feel warm from the inside out. His distant sun.

“I’m already fearless enough. I think you need it more than I do now.”

Yixing feels a twinge in his heart as he grips the bracelet in his fist. He can almost feel the inscription, ‘Fearless Baekhyunnie’ pressing into his palm. Baekhyun’s grandmother had given it to him when they were younger, just before she passed away. Yixing thinks that she knew Baekhyun’s secret, and this was her way of telling him that she still loved him, that she supported him. It had been a hard year for Baekhyun, but Yixing has never seen him without the bracelet on.

“Baekhyun, I don’t know what to say,” Yixing whispers, he can feel his voice cracking and Baekhyun pulls him into a tight hug.

“Yixing who has no fears, right?” Baekhyun asks when he pulls away and Yixing nods as he swallows hard. This might be the best and most meaningful gift Baekhyun has ever given him. Yixing can’t help but let out a small wet laugh when he sees tears on Baekhyun’s cheeks.

“Ah, don’t cry on me. That’s my job,” Yixing says as he thumbs away the stray tears on the younger’s cheeks.

Baekhyun shakes his head with a smile and helps Yixing gather the rest of their things and throw away the last of the garbage, “Come on, Joonmyun-hyung is waiting for us.”

Yixing clasps Baekhyun’s bracelet around his wrist and follows Baekhyun outside to the cab that’s waiting for them. He squeezes himself in between Joonmyun and Baekhyun in the back seat of the cab and forgets about ever wanting to stay in for his birthday. Joonmyun’s hand is on his knee while Baekhyun’s arm is around his shoulders and they’re both talking loudly and laughing. Yixing sort of feels like he’s at home, even with the beer breath wafting in front of his nose whenever either of them talk, and the unclean smell of a cab at night. This is just where he wants to be for the rest of his life.

The cab stops in front of one of Yixing’s favorite clubs, one that he and Baekhyun went to, far too many times during their first year of college. He’s glad to relive some of the memories he made at this club, they’re all drunken and good.

When they walk in the door there’s an eruption of cheers that nearly knock Yixing on his ass. A huge banner that reads ‘Happy Birthday Yixing!’ (In Chinese, which makes it even better) hangs above the bar and he sees far more people than he ever expected. Kasper and Jieun are there, Jieun with a slim girl, about her size clinging to her side. Yixing will have to ask her about it later on, maybe tomorrow. Kasper holding a drink in each hand, smiling so big Yixing thinks his face might split in two. Jongdae with another cake and another party hat placed crookedly on his head. People from the studio and friends he hasn’t talked to in months.

Baekhyun and Joonmyun jump in front of him, grins spread across their faces as they place glasses with the words Happy Birthday written on them in tiny little candles, and another party hat on his head. They cheer with the crowd and Yixing can’t remember a time when he was happier.

A hand falls on his shoulder and Yixing spins around to see Zhixiang standing there, a smile on his face and his girlfriend by his side. Yixing’s mouth drops before he barrels into the older and hugs him.

“Happy Birthday, Yixing-ah,” Zhixiang chuckles and hugs him back. Yixing really thinks his heart is going to burst. He hasn’t seen Zhixiang in a year, at least.

“Oh god, I didn’t even think… I’m sorry,” Yixing mutters, forcing back his tears. There’s a lot of emotions and Yixing doesn’t really know how to deal with all of them. He really never thought he’d see Zhixiang again. He vaguely figured that the next time the older would see him would be in his casket.

“It’s okay. I am too, Yixing. But, I’m not here to mope about, we’re here to celebrate you, so come on.” Zhixiang brushes off his shoulders, how an older brother would, and turns him around back to face the rest of his friends and pushes him towards them. Baekhyun looks elated in between Joonmyun and Jongdae, and Yixing knows that this was his doing. Always the best at giving gifts.

His group of friends look at Yixing expectantly before he holds up a shot handed to him from the bar and calls out, “Let’s get shit faced!” The crowd breaks into cheers again and Yixing is full of all the love he could ever imagine. This is what it is to be happy. He likes this.

After too many drinks Yixing finds himself stumbling into a booth with Joonmyun, who seems not nearly as drunk as he is. They both are sweaty from dancing in the mass of people, and the alcohol heating them up isn’t helping much either. Yixing leans back against the wall in the corner of the seat as Joonmyun sits next to him, his elbow propped up on the table and his head in his hand as he looks at Yixing with a smile.

“Did you have a good day?” Joonmyun asks and Yixing nods slowly, a drunken smile taking over his face.

“I’m happy today, Joonmyun.”

“You deserve it.”

The lights are flashing behind Joonmyun, multicolored and pretty. The light hanging above their heads kind of make him look like an angel. Maybe he is an angel, sent to help Yixing through hard things. Yixing’s stomach twists a little, and he’s not quite sure what it means. Twenty-three years old and he still doesn’t know what to make of liking someone. Wait, no, he doesn’t like Joonmyun like that. They’re just friends. Just friends.

Yixing takes in a deep breath and chuckles to himself, quietly. “I think I’ve had too much to drink.”

“Don’t let Baekhyun hear you say that,” Joonmyun laughs and Yixing nods, watching the way Joonmyun’s eyes crinkle at the edges and the lights shine off his teeth. It makes Yixing’s head spin a little. His sandy blond hair has been gone for a few months, now it’s a soft dark brown, that’s wavy sometimes. It reminds Yixing of the ocean a little bit, or chocolate milk. Both great things. Joonmyun is a great thing too. A great Just Friend.

“You look a little pale, do you want to get some air?” Joonmyun asks with a frown, and Yixing can’t help but think that’s pretty, too. He has nice eyebrows that sit prettily over his nice eyes that aren’t too dark, but aren’t too light, either. Yixing never really took the time to admire how good looking Joonmyun is. Okay, that’s not entirely true, he knows how good looking Joonmyun is, thought about it a lot. “Yixing?”

“Huh?” Yixing blinks slowly as he pulls himself from his mess of thoughts. “Oh, sure. That sounds nice.”

Joonmyun climbs out of the booth, a little less than graceful, Yixing notes with a smile, and helps Yixing slide out after him. Yixing is led outside, one of his hands in Joonmyun’s as they make their way to the door. Joonmyun tells someone to tell Baekhyun something that Yixing doesn’t catch over the noise.

Cool air crashes against his heated skin when they step outside and Yixing almost shivers but welcomes the lack of shouting and loud bass and cool air. He inhales deeply, and it smells vaguely of smoke, which makes his nose scrunch up. He thinks he hears Joonmyun’s pretty laugh. When he opens his eyes, he realizes that Joonmyun is laughing at him. His cheeks heat up and he tries to shove at Joonmyun’s shoulder but ends up stumbling into his chest instead. He’s a lot stronger than Yixing expected.

“Oh,” Yixing mumbles and Joonmyun helps him right himself again. “Joonmyun.”

Joonmyun is staring at him, eyes soft and lips parted slightly. Yixing doesn’t know what to make of it, but they’re still so close he kind of wants to curl into his chest. It was warm there.

Yixing sees Joonmyun’s throat bob as he swallows and steps out of Yixing’s space. Taking the warmth with him.

The door behind them swings open, amplifying the muted bass and Joonmyun startles. It makes Yixing laugh a little. He’s a little bit too drunk, he’ll admit it. When he looks over his shoulder he sees Jieun and Jinri, Jieun had told Yixing that they were dating some odd hours ago between drinks three and six, stumble out from the club, Kasper, and Jongdae and Baekhyun following not far behind.

Baekhyun spots Yixing and a smile breaks across both of their faces and Baekhyun stumbles over to Yixing and nearly tackles him into a hug.

“Hey, birthday boy,” Baekhyun slurs and Yixing laughs at how drunk Baekhyun sounds.

“You’re more drunk than I am, Baekhyunnie.” Yixing pats the back of Baekhyun’s head and Jongdae hails a cab. One pulls up almost immediately, and Baekhyun is pulled away from Yixing as he sings a drunken rendition of the birthday song. His hand sticks out of the back window of the cab, waving goodbye as he and Jongdae drive off. Jieun, Jinri, and Kasper are the next to leave, not quite as loud as Baekhyun, but definitely still making their goodbyes loud enough for everyone to know they’re leaving.

Zhixiang had left with his girlfriend a few hours ago, and Yixing had promised to text him, or call him, soon. No more avoiding. Yixing was glad to see him again, more than he could express without the threat of crying.

That just left the people from the dance studio, who never seemed to stop partying, and himself and Joonmyun. Joonmyun wouldn’t let Yixing go inside to say goodbye to everyone, because that would take hours, and called them a cab instead. Joonmyun helps him in the back of the car when it pulls up and follows suit, buckling Yixing in so he doesn’t slump over in the seat. Exhaustion caught up to him somewhere between the cab pulling up and him climbing into it. Joonmyun’s really good about taking care of him.

“Do you want to go to your apartment or mine?” Joonmyun asks after he closes the door.

Yixing means to say Joonmyun’s but instead he replies with ‘mine’ and doesn’t have the energy in him to correct himself. He listens to Joonmyun give the driver directions to his apartment and yawns, letting his eyes close.

Yixing remembers Joonmyun trying to wake him up, helping him out of the back of the cab, practically carrying him to his apartment, then to his bedroom. Yixing remembers falling back into his bed after stripping himself of his pants and pulling Joonmyun down with him by his arm.

“Sleep,” Yixing mutters as he curls into Joonmyun’s side. The last thing he remembers is Joonmyun pulling the blankets over them and resting his cheek on top of his head.

When Yixing wakes the next morning, his head is on the wrong end of the bed, and he’s half covered by blankets and half not. He groans to himself and lifts his head and squints at the light that’s shining right on his face from his window. He rubs at his eyes, picking away at the sleep in the corner of them, and sits up slowly, head pounding something fierce. He turns to see his bed empty, and it makes him a little sad. He knows that he fell asleep with Joonmyun next to him, and now he’s not there.

His spit is thick in his mouth, and he doesn’t even want to attempt to talk. His head hurts too much anyway. Cool metal rubs against his wrist and he looks down to see Baekhyun’s bracelet––his bracelet hanging loosely on his arm. His heart swells a little bit and Yixing smiles to himself as he climbs off his bed to shuffle to his bathroom to brush the gross taste out of his mouth.

That’s where Yixing finds Joonmyun, fresh out of the shower and wearing one of his shirts. It’s a little too big on him, Yixing’s shoulders are wider than his are. It hangs down on his chest showing his collarbone on his left side. Yixing looks away before he lets himself get carried away with how pretty that is, too. Joonmyun has toothpaste running down his chin as he grins at Yixing through the foggy mirror.

“Morning, Myunnie,” Yixing mumbles as he grabs his toothbrush and wets it, people who don’t wet their toothbrush before putting on the toothpaste are monsters, like Baekhyun. Yixing looks at himself in the mirror, his hair is sticking up everywhere and there’s creases on his cheeks from the blankets. Maybe a little bit of dried spit on the corner of his mouth. Nice.

“Morning,” Joonmyun says back after he rinses out his mouth and drops his toothbrush, a new addition to Yixing and Baekhyun’s, in the holder. It makes Yixing’s stomach flip a little bit. He really wishes it would stop doing that. It doesn’t even mean anything. “Did you have a good night last night?”

Yixing mumbles out a ‘yes’ around his toothbrush and tooth paste and Joonmyun smiles even wider. How does his tiny mouth get so big? It’s amazing. Yixing thinks he might still be drunk. Joonmyun stands behind him and presses his face into Yixing’s back, warm and a little heavy. Yixing rinses is mouth and walks, more like waddles, to the kitchen with a Joonmyun shaped leech wrapped around his middle. It reminds him of Baekhyun, a little bit. But, he’s definitely sober. His mind is just making him think crazy things, he supposes.

“Do you want something to eat?” Joonmyun shakes his head at first and then nods. “Okay, so what? I can make it.”

“It’s the day after your birthday, I think I should make something,” Joonmyun says as he detaches himself from Yixing’s back and ushers him to go sit in the living room. Yixing doesn’t even get to protest before he’s being forcibly, but with care, sat down and the TV turned on like he’s a little kid. Five minutes later Joonmyun comes out with two bowls full of Cheerios and Yixing laughs while Joonmyun tells him to shut up and eat his gourmet meal.

“I can’t actually cook,” Joonmyun shrugs and takes a bite of his cereal. Yixing thanks him anyway and tells him that it’s the best cereal he’s ever had. They eat in silence for a while, and it’s not suffocating or anything. It’s really nice. Yixing wonders when his bubble is going to be popped, because this isn’t typical for him.

Joonmyun leaves sometime in the afternoon, Yixing doesn’t even know what time it is. All they did all day was lay in bed and watch movies. He got his birthday in after all. It was nice, having a quiet day, especially with Joonmyun. The other definitely likes to cuddle just as much as Yixing does, and doesn’t like to put extra butter on popcorn, just like Yixing does. Yixing loves learning little things like this about his friends. It’s nice.

Yixing sees him out, and he doesn’t even know why he’s compelled to. Usually his friends come and go as they please, never feeling awkward about it. Yixing trails behind Joonmyun to the door anyway, picking up stuff that he forgot and stuffing it in his backpack, as Joonmyun swears that no way, he didn’t forget to grab that.

“I’ll see you soon,” Yixing smiles as he leans into the open door, his hand on the doorknob, swaying a bit. Joonmyun nods and rocks back on his heels a little. He seems nervous about something, Yixing thinks, maybe he has a test on Monday. Just as Yixing is about to close the door, Joonmyun sticks his hand out and stops it, startling Yixing a bit.

“Wh–” Yixing is cut off by Joonmyun’s lips pressed against his. They’re gone just as fast and Yixing blinks at a red faced Joonmyun. He was…kissed? By Joonmyun? What?

“Happy birthday, Yixing,” Joonmyun smiles and turns, walking down the hall to the stairs that will him outside.

“Thanks?” Yixing mutters to no one and closes the door slowly. It latches shut with a click and Yixing is left standing there, one hand still on the doorknob and the other hung awkwardly in midair, not sure whether to stay at his side or touch his lips.

Joonmyun kissed him?

“What the hell?” Yixing whispers to himself and walks to the bathroom to get in the shower. He was going to anyway, but now he _really_ needs one. He needs a clean and clear mind to process what the hell just happened and why he liked it so much and– Joonmyun just _kissed_ him.

He doesn’t even know when he started smiling. Is he supposed to be smiling? Joonmyun just kissed him!!

“Oh, my God,” Yixing laughs to himself, and he knows he probably sounds like a crazy person. He just doesn’t know how to react or what to do about any of this. Isn’t Joonmyun just his friend? He loves Baekhyun. Joonmyun is his friend. _Joonmyun kissed him._ Yixing kind of liked it, kind of really liked it a lot and maybe wants Joonmyun to kiss him again. Maybe wants to kiss Joonmyun himself. _Kissed_ him.

Yixing climbs into the shower after pressing play on his music and lets the water run down his back, washing away all the grime from last night. Oh God, he probably smelled so bad and Joonmyun still wanted to kiss him. He tries to force himself not to smile, but ultimately fails.

“Joonmyun kissed me!” Yixing yells into the water, and it still doesn’t make it feel any more real. He runs his fingers through his wet hair and shakes his head, he has to be dreaming. Yixing tries pinching himself and, well, he’s not dreaming. “Oh, my God. I sound like an idiot.”

Yixing finishes washing himself and steps out, goosebumps rising on his skin from the cool air in the rest of the bathroom. He dries his face off before wiping the towel across the mirror, removing the condensation gathered there so he can wash his face. He wraps the towel around his waist and puts face wash on his hands, rubbing them together to get it to foam a little before scrubbing it on his skin. Yixing hums along to the music spinning in circles and dancing lightly on his toes as he rubs the soap on his face. It’s some old Girl’s Generation song Baekhyun put on his phone a few years ago. It’s catchy, and Yixing can’t stop himself from singing along.

Yixing splashes cool water on his face, rinsing the last of the face wash down the drain as he grabs the corner of his towel to dry his face again. He scratches at a dot just below his bottom lip on the left side. Maybe it’s a blackhead. He leans closer to the mirror to see it better and his eyes widen. _Oh no._

He swipes his hand across the mirror again, trying to move the stray water droplets, because there’s no way he’s seeing this correctly. Yixing’s stomach drops to the floor as he gulps and rubs his finger over the small dot roughly, rubbing his skin red.

“This isn’t happening,” Yixing breathes out and steps back, almost stumbling over his feet and falling. Joonmyun doesn’t– No, it’s not Joonmyun. It’s Baekhyun. It has to be Baekhyun. He touches the shell of his ear, where a large mole formed when he was about seventeen. Maybe it’s just another one for Baekhyun. Maybe he fell in love with him again. He didn’t ever fall out of love with him, but that shit about the sun yesterday… Christ, is this even possible?

It _has_ to be Baekhyun.

Pop goes Yixing’s bubble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> Drinking

Yixing does what he does best and doesn’t do anything.

He knows it’s irresponsible, he knows that it’s shitty. It’s just a bad habit that he can’t seem to break. Avoiding things that are going to end up hurting him is the only thing he has left to protect himself. Yixing immerses himself in the homework he’s been putting off and picks up extra shifts at work. There’s nothing like distracting himself from a shit storm that’s sure to hit. And that’s exactly what he’s been doing for the last two weeks and will continue to do.

He doesn’t talk to anyone, aside from Zhixiang occasionally, which is a nice change. Yixing really did miss him. Zhixiang always reminded him of home.

Yixing doesn’t think about the mole under his lip, and he especially doesn’t think about what that could mean. He doesn’t have time to freak himself out any more than he already is. Joonmyun kissed him and then suddenly it just appeared, that’s not how it works. He knows that much.

Sure, he thinks that Joonmyun is attractive, anyone can tell that he’s good looking, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with him. He is in love with Baekhyun he has a mole on his ear and flowers in his lungs to prove it. _That_ doesn’t make any sense, either. The petals have been far less intense than they were a majority of the year. He doesn’t know what that means. Maybe Baekhyun is finally loving him back, but that’s unlikely. Christ, he’s in a relationship with Jongdae. And they’re happy.

Yixing sighs to himself and rubs his temples as he climbs the last few steps to his floor. He doesn’t need to think about any of this. He has class tomorrow and a test to study for. He doesn’t want to think about it either. He fishes his keys out of his coat pocket and shuffles through them as he makes his way down the hall.

A pair of feet come into his view and he looks past the keys in his hands to see Joonmyun sitting in front of his door, arms resting on his knees that are folded in front of his chest as he peers up at Yixing through his bangs. Yixing’s breath seems to get caught in his lungs. Joonmyun pushes himself off the wall to stand up and adjusts his coat before twisting his mouth a little. Yixing hates confrontation.

“What are you doing here?” Yixing asks, like he doesn’t know why. Joonmyun isn’t going to play games. That’s not the kind of person he is, Yixing knows that much. Joonmyun purses his lips before speaking.

“Are you avoiding me because I kissed you?”

Joonmyun really doesn’t play games.

“No!” Yixing practically shouts, far too quickly; he lets out a huff of a breath before repeating himself. “No, I’m not.”

“Then why?”

Yixing opens his mouth to speak, but he’s at a loss for words. Because he’s scared? Because he got some stupid mole, and it means something he just doesn’t know what? Because he loves Baekhyun, and he knows that Joonmyun knows he does? There’s a billion answers he could give, all kind of true but all kind of a lie. All too much to say all at once.

“Will you come in?” Yixing asks instead and Joonmyun stares at him for a moment before nodding and stepping aside so Yixing can unlock his door. He walks in quietly, Joonmyun following not far behind and Yixing hears the door click shut. He could lay it all out on the line, right here. He could tell Joonmyun everything, he could tell Joonmyun that he’s suffocating every day because there’s flowers growing in his lungs. He could tell Joonmyun that he’s terminal and there’s nothing to be done.

He could tell Joonmyun he likes him––he loves him. He loves him? No, not loves him. He loves Baekhyun.

“I’m scared,” Yixing says softly, and he hates that he can hear how pathetic he sounds. It’s all he has to give, it’s more than he’s given anyone in a long time. He wishes he had more to say, more of an explanation, but that’s it. That’s all there is to him. “I don’t know, Joonmyun. You kissed me, and it was great. I loved it. But–”

“But, Baekhyun,” Joonmyun says and Yixing looks up from his hands with a sad half smile on his face. He knew that Joonmyun knew. It doesn’t sting any less. Probably just as much for Joonmyun as it does for Yixing. There’s always going to be Baekhyun, there’s no getting around it.

“Yeah, that’s part of it.”

“Yixing you can’t just– You can’t waste your life away on him waiting for him to come around. You aren’t happy.”

Yixing lets out a short bitter laugh and shakes his head. It’s so hard to make people understand when you can’t tell them you’re dying. He’s dying for Baekhyun’s love. How grossly poetic and pathetic. A tragedy like Romeo and Juliet and Yixing is Juliet, except when Baekhyun wakes to see Yixing is dead, he won’t die as well. He’ll continue to live, while Yixing hugs the flowers that killed him eight feet deep.

“You keep saying that I deserve to be happy, but at this point, I’m not so sure. I’ve gone this long, why not just tack on a couple more years?”

The look Joonmyun gives him is one of outright anger. Yixing doesn’t think he’s ever seen Joonmyun angry. Not once. Yixing can see his jaw clench as he shakes his head and blinks slowly, like he’s trying to physically push back the anger. Yixing thinks he kind of understands it. Yixing also kind of wants the anger to spill out between them and lash him till he gives in.

“What’s one thing that makes you consistently happy?” Joonmyun asks, mouth in a thin line. Yixing doesn’t get it.

“What does that have to do with–”

Joonmyun cuts him off, voice raised, “One thing, Yixing.”

“Joonmyun this doesn’t–” He’s talking to Yixing like he’s a kid, and it’s annoying. Joonmyun doesn’t understand. He probably doesn’t even want to understand. Yixing wouldn’t either, if he were Joonmyun.

Louder, again. “Just say one fucking thing, Yixing. How fucking hard–”

It’s Yixing’s turn to cut him off, yelling as he throws his hands in the air in frustration, “You! You fucking make me happy!”

Joonmyun stares at Yixing, silent and waiting. Yixing’s lips part as he registers what he said. He blinks a few times and turns around, running his hands through his hair. He didn’t mean to say that, he wanted to say dancing, or the studio, or something simple. But, of course.

Joonmyun does make him happy. That’s the worst part about it.

Joonmyun who is always there and always knows. Joonmyun who held the tram door open for him and Joonmyun who didn’t care that he drooled on his shoulder. Joonmyun who kissed him and–

Yixing turns back around to see Joonmyun still standing there, his expression has softened exponentially. It kind of makes Yixing’s heart melt and hurt at the same time. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do now. Yixing doesn’t know why, but he surges forward and envelops the other man in a hug, and squeezes his eyes shut. He won’t cry. Joonmyun’s arms wrap around his back, hands rubbing up and down slowly.

Maybe Joonmyun is right. Maybe he does deserve to be happy. And when’s the best time to start if not when happiness is standing right there with him, holding him and telling him it’ll be okay.

Yixing steps back to look at Joonmyun because he’s there and if Yixing was going to let himself be happy, it would be because of Joonmyun. Sure, he knows what it is to be happy, he knows what it’s like to feel like he’s floating because he’s free of himself. But this, this is uncharted territory. It’s a different kind of happy.

“You’re okay?” Joonmyun asks as he runs his hand down Yixing’s arm and grabs his hand, squeezing gently. Yixing looks at their hands and inhales slowly. He’s not completely okay, he probably won’t be as long as Baekhyun is there and there are flowers in his lungs. Shifting and tickling and begging to explode out of his chest to show the world.

“I deserve to be happy?”

“Absolutely.”

How is this fair to either of them?

“I love Baekhyun.”

“I know.” Joonmyun shrugs and Yixing knows it’s not supposed to be this easy. There has to be some sort of intervention, or something. Isn’t he supposed to get over Baekhyun now, be free? He almost laughs out loud at himself. He can’t just will the flowers to go away. He knows the rules. He either gets them removed and forgets Baekhyun, Baekhyun falls in love with him back, or he dies. The only one that seems likely at this point, is the last one.

“You’re okay with that?” Yixing asks as he walks towards his bedroom, Joonmyun following him. He can hear his socked feet padding against the floor softly, almost undetectable.

“I think that everyone is a little bit in love with Baekhyun,” he pauses as he lays on his stomach on Yixing’s bed as Yixing sits with back against the headboard. “Including me.”

Yixing supposes that’s true. Baekhyun makes it terribly hard not to love him. But, what does that mean, then? Is Yixing a sad rebound? Is this a pathetic We Love Baekhyun And He Doesn’t Love Us Back Club? He’s not sure if Joonmyun would even do that to him.

“I’m not, like, a rebound, am I?”

Joonmyun laughs at that, Yixing hardly thinks that it’s something to laugh at. Joonmyun pats at Yixing’s leg and shakes his head with a smile. “No, of course not. It’s just something we have in common. But, I’m here now, Yixing. With you. Not out trying to win him over.”

Yixing nods slowly, and he guesses he could accept that. But it still sounds a little sad. Plus, Baekhyun has a boyfriend right now, anyway. Yixing doesn’t think that Joonmyun is the type of person to use someone, though. He doesn’t think that if Baekhyun is single after Jongdae, that Joonmyun would up and leave to win over Baekhyun’s heart right in front of him. No, definitely not.

He pulls his lips into his mouth and breathes out through his nose slowly. It’s been a weird month.

After Yixing doesn’t say anything for a while, Joonmyun speaks up again. “Do _you_ like me?” He asks and Yixing kind of wants to laugh at how Joonmyun sounds like a teenager. It’s awkward and cute and Yixing loves it. He nods without hesitation. He doesn’t even have to think about it.

“How could I not? You let me drool on you, and then you drooled on me back,” Yixing smiles at him and Joonmyun laughs, brightening the whole room as quick as that. It’s so simple with Joonmyun, and nothing has ever been simple in Yixing’s life. With Joonmyun everything is so different. Since the day Yixing met him it’s been different.

The smile Joonmyun gives him after the laughter dies down feels a lot like home. It makes him feel like he’s at home with himself, with Joonmyun. With Baekhyun, their occasional visitor, and the love and hurt that tags along with him unintentionally. But right now, Joonmyun is laying on Yixing’s bed, his head propped up in his hand, as he looks at Yixing like he’s the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Yixing thinks the same of Joonmyun.

“This is cheesy, right?” Joonmyun huffs out a small laugh as he crawls up to sit facing Yixing and Yixing just shrugs, because who cares if it’s cheesy. Yixing loves cheesy.

“There’s only one thing that would make it cheesier,” Yixing whispers and hopes Joonmyun catches his drift. Light catches his eyes, making them swim. Pretty.

“I’m _great_ at cheesy.” Joonmyun smirks and leans forward, pressing his lips against Yixing’s gently. Yixing can’t help but chuckle into Joonmyun’s mouth before kissing him back. Happiness is something everyone should have, and maybe Yixing will let himself indulge.

 

Halloween has never been a small affair. Baekhyun absolutely adored it for as long as Yixing can remember, and it seems like he’s wrapped Joonmyun up in it this year, as well. Yixing doesn’t mind, he never will mind. Especially not when Baekhyun tries pathetically hard to get Joonmyun to dress up as a sexy bunny.

“Okay, absolutely not,” Joonmyun half cries from behind the curtain in the Halloween store. Yixing’s sitting in one of the chairs, his chin propped up in his hand, waiting for Baekhyun to force Joonmyun out of the changing room. Baekhyun sighs heavily and practically marches to the room Joonmyun is, rapping on the wooden door with his knuckles.

“Open up and let me see,” Baekhyun begs, and Yixing knows that his bottom lip is sticking out to make the pout in his voice even more prominent. “Let both of us see. We’re all friends.”

“Baekhyun, this outfit is ridiculous. I’m not wearing this in public anywhere. I wouldn’t even wear this in my own home,” Joonmyun says, huffing and Yixing can imagine him trying to adjust fabric to cover himself up more. It makes him chuckle.

“Come on, Joonmyun-ah,” Yixing calls, laughter in his voice and he hears Joonmyun whine in protest. “I wanna see it!”

“You traitor,” Joonmyun mutters as the lock on the door clicks and Baekhyun lets out a victory cheer. “I’m going to kill you both. Put you in that stretching machine and turn you both into taffy.”

“Come on, come on!” Baekhyun pushes the door open a little and steps back so he’s not blocking Yixing’s view. Joonmyun peeks his head out of the crack, pink bunny ears adorned on the top of his head. He keeps the rest of his body behind the door as he gives Yixing a pointed stare. Yixing only raises his hands up in surrender with another laugh.

“You both are terrible people and I hate you,” Joonmyun grumbles and Baekhyun dismisses him with a wave.

“You’re dramatic, you do not. Now reveal yourself, Sexy Bunny.”

“You’re one to talk,” Joonmyun grumbles as he steps the rest of the way out, revealing his outfit, or lack thereof. Yixing snorts, covering his mouth with both of his hands as Joonmyun shuffles into view.

His grey underwear is horribly out of place beneath the tiny apron strategically placed over his crotch. Joonmyun keeps tugging at it, in attempt to cover himself more. A tiny bowtie choker clings around his neck, awfully cheap looking cufflinks around his wrists and that’s it. Baekhyun seems to have lost all of his words, because he didn’t even get to gripe at Joonmyun for calling him dramatic before this.

“I want to die,” Joonmyun groans, his face cherry red, and Yixing thinks it’s the most adorable and hilarious thing he’s ever seen.

“I don’t know, I think it works for you.”

Joonmyun glares at Yixing who’s still trying to conceal his laughter in his chair. It’s not going so well.

“Okay, well, I know when to admit a costume isn’t working. Also, you didn’t even put on the black speedo thing, so you ruined the outfit.” Baekhyun shakes his head in mock solemn and turns Joonmyun around to go back into the dressing room.

“Oh, my good God,” Yixing chokes out as the tiny little cotton puff for a tail resting on Joonmyun’s backside appears. Joonmyun’s hands immediately reach around to hide it as he rushes to close the door.

“We never speak of this again!” Joonmyun yells as he very obviously is struggling to get out of the tiny apron that’s tied around his waist. Yixing is doubled over, laughing unashamed into his hand and Baekhyun’s laughter mixes with his in his ears. This has to be the best Halloween Yixing has ever been a part of.

Joonmyun comes out a few minutes later, face still red and a sour expression. Yixing tilts his head pouting at him, and he rolls his eyes, lips threatening to turn up into a smile.

“We’ll find something really good, I promise,” Yixing chuckles as he drapes his arm around Joonmyun’s shoulder and Baekhyun hums in agreement.

“That was mostly for laughs, anyway,” Baekhyun shrugs and Joonmyun groans shoving Baekhyun away from his other side.

“Why didn’t you make Yixing do this? Why me?”

“I don’t fall for his tricks,” Yixing says with a smirk and this time he’s shoved away from Joonmyun’s side. Joonmyun mutters that they’re both terrible friends. Yixing puts his arm around Joonmyun’s shoulders again and pulls him into his side, knocking their heads together gently.

Baekhyun stands in front of them, his hands clapping together with a wicked grin on his face. “Now that we’ve had our fun–”

“You’ve had your fun,” Joonmyun interjects.

“ _I’ve_ had my fun,” Baekhyun huffs slightly, rolling his eyes at Joonmyun. “It’s time to get down to business.”

Joonmyun gives Yixing a wary look and he smiles back at him, it’ll be and experience to remember for him. From start to finish.

Yixing helps Joonmyun pick out his outfit, steering clear of anything labeled ‘sexy’ and heeds Baekhyun’s advice that consists of various grunts of degrees of disapproval.

Yixing decided months ago he’d be a vampire because the living dead, you know self-deprecating and such. Baekhyun rolls his eyes at how bland Yixing’s choice is but accepts it anyway, knowing Yixing isn’t going to budge.

“I guarantee we’re going to see at least twelve vampires at the party,” Baekhyun shakes his head as he shifts through outfits on a rack.

“It’s a frat party, Baekhyun, they’re not very creative as it is,” Yixing counters, and Baekhyun lets out a sigh of defeat.

“He has a point,” Joonmyun adds as he shrugs and shakes his head at a costume that looks something like it would be labeled as ‘sexy’. “Why are we going to this party anyway? I did not peg either of you as the frat party type.”

“Tradition,” Yixing and Baekhyun say at the same time and Joonmyun rolls his eyes at them.

“They’re a lot more fun when you get to watch Hongdae frat guys make fools of themselves.”

“And free beer,” Yixing adds, which, honestly, is the only part that’s worthwhile to him. “Frats are filled with awful guys that are aggressively terrible in every way, so watching them embarrass themselves while taking advantage of free drinks once a year is a reward of sorts.”

“He’s right, frats are terrible,” Baekhyun agrees as Joonmyun snatches a purple wig off the top of Baekhyun’s head who pouts at him and pulls out an extremely unrealistic bloody mask from a shelf. “No matter what university they’re at.”

“You’re talking like I’ve never heard of a frat before,” Joonmyun chuckles. “Frat guys are the worst to date. Do not recommend, zero out of ten.”

“Joonmyun, dating a frat guy?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows in disbelief and Yixing has to agree. He definitely thought Joonmyun was the type to avoid those guys, he has a lot more to learn than he thought. “That seems highly unlikely.”

“A thing of my irresponsible past.” Joonmyun waves his hand meaning to dismiss the subject, but it just keeps getting more and more unbelievable.

“Oh, now you’re telling us you were irresponsible? Joonmyun you have coursework for the next two months finished.”

Joonmyun huffs and steers Baekhyun away from the costumes and towards the exit. “I think we’ve spent enough time embarrassing me today.”

Yixing laughs as he follows Joonmyun and Baekhyun out of the store, promising Baekhyun they’ll find acceptable costumes before the party. Baekhyun wouldn’t let it be any other way, anyway.

 

Baekhyun seems exasperated by the lack of effort on Jongdae’s part as they pull into a parking ramp a few blocks away from the party. He has a dinosaur onesie on, and sure it’s cute, but Yixing knows that he made this choice without caring what Baekhyun said. Joonmyun parks his car and they pile out of the car, adjusting their costumes and stretching their limbs.

“Who’s ready to get drunk and people watch?” Baekhyun asks as he adjusts the bra piece that’s riding up on his chest in his reflection in the car window. He chose to dress as Slave Leia this year, and Yixing couldn’t even be surprised by it. Jongdae yells out a very loud ‘me!’ that echoes in the parking ramp and makes Joonmyun knock his head on the ceiling of his car as he grabs his fake gun from the center council. Baekhyun coerced him into dressing as Han Solo, so they matched. Not that Joonmyun protested at all, it just prompted him to go into how great Star Wars was for the millionth time. Yixing chuckles as he re-ties the cape around his throat and wills himself not to rub his eyes too much. The contacts that Baekhyun made him wear are itching his eyes, but he’ll survive, he supposes.

Yixing helps Joonmyun smooth out his jacket and they share small smiles in secret as Jongdae throws his arm over Baekhyun’s bare shoulder and leads the way out of the ramp and to the sidewalk filled with people talking too loudly with each other. Baekhyun’s half skirt billows out behind him and Yixing hears him complain about how cold it is.

“You’ll have a blast,” Yixing mutters as he brushes off Joonmyun’s shoulders and wiggles the gun in front of Joonmyun’s nose. “I promise.”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes and snatches the gun out of Yixing’s hand to shove it into his holster. “And Baekhyun says my jokes are awful. But, I trust you.”

Yixing feels the back of his neck heat up and he has to look away before he makes a complete fool out of himself. Joonmyun is ruthless with the corny comments, and they affect Yixing and his poor heart more than he’d like to ever admit. At least not yet. He grabs Joonmyun by his elbow and pulls him along to catch up with Baekhyun and Jongdae.

The party is a lot bigger than Joonmyun expected, it seems, because he’s been glued to Yixing’s side the entire time they’ve been here. Maybe Joonmyun just wants to be with Yixing, but Yixing is going to think it’s the former so his cheeks don’t burst into flames. There’s also a plethora of smashed frat guys yelling around them and Yixing might be kind of worried to lose Joonmyun in the crowd as well. He is rather small, after all. Nothing like Baekhyun who is still small but makes his presence loud and clear. Who doesn’t let anyone step over him in any way.

Yixing wraps his hand around Joonmyun’s waist and pulls him closer to his side. Just in case.

In the large dining room, off to Yixing’s left, he can see Baekhyun and Jongdae playing beer pong against some unnaturally tall guy and his friend. Baekhyun is clearly losing, and it seems to Yixing that Jongdae is getting frustrated by that fact. It’s a little amusing. He takes a large drink of his beer and leans back against the counter, Joonmyun beside him bouncing along to the music. A girl who looks beyond drunk, though the party only started an hour ago, comes up to Yixing and tries to pull him by his hand to the living room where everyone is dancing (horribly, might Yixing add). Before Yixing can speak up to tell her no thanks, Joonmyun cuts in.

“He’s okay here,” Joonmyun says, voice sickly sweet between the loud bass of the song. The girl looks between them for a few moments before her mouth forms a small ‘o’ shape.

“Oh, are you guys, like, fucking?” She slurs with a giggle. “ _So_ cute, you know? Good for you guys. Gay power and all that. Wanna be my gay best friends? I’ve never had one before. Now I have two!”

Yixing watches as Joonmyun stares at her for a moment, his lips parted like he doesn’t know how to respond to anything the girl just said. Yixing might as well take over. “I think we’ll pass, sorry.”

“Oh,” the girl mumbles and Yixing nudges Joonmyun to move over so they can walk away. God, straight people are really something. Yixing grabs Joonmyun’s hand and pulls him through the crowd and out back.

“Is this all you guys do?” Joonmyun asks as they sit down on a porch swing, swaying a little before settling into a gentle rock back and forth. “Just go your separate ways and laugh at drunk people?”

“Nah, usually we’re together all night and that’s when we laugh at drunk people, especially the art kids from Hongik. But, you know, Jongdae’s here.”

“Right,” Joonmyun hums and lifts his feet up so they’re not touching the ground anymore and Yixing continues to push his feet against the ground to keep swinging slowly. Joonmyun drinks the beer in his hand and leans into Yixing who smiles to himself and leans back a little. It’s nice to have someone with him like this. Especially when Baekhyun is off being himself.

Eventually it gets too cold outside for them and Yixing’s cape is doing nothing to keep him warm, so they walk back into the mass of people, which seems to have doubled in the last twenty minutes. Yixing grips Joonmyun’s hand again and pulls him through the crowd to where they last saw Baekhyun and Jongdae. When Yixing notices they’re not there anymore he sighs and somehow gets wrapped into a game of beer pong with Joonmyun. They’re terrible, they don’t even stand a chance. It seems like the guy and his friend Baekhyun and Jongdae were playing earlier are the reigning champions.

“I’d say that you guys did a good job but,” the guy trails off and ruffles his own hair with a small laugh after Yixing and Joonmyun drank their last cups of beer. Joonmyun belches into his hand as he stumbles into Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing just shrugs at the guy with a smile who laughs even louder.

Joonmyun is slumped into Yixing’s back now, arms wrapped around his middle and cheek pressed against his shoulder mumbling something about food.

“I better take him to sit down,” Yixing says, shuffling on his feet and feeling a bit awkward trying to get out of the conversation with the guy. The other raises his eyebrows and leans to the side to look around Yixing at Joonmyun.

“You can take him upstairs if you want, it’s my parent’s house so you can just go to my room,” he says as he points in the direction of the stairs. “It’s the least I can do after annihilating you in beer pong and making him get this drunk.”

“Oh,” Yixing blinks and pushes back against Joonmyun’s dead weight so he doesn’t stumble forward. “That’s… It’s fine we can find a couch or something.”

“I doubt you’ll find one without people hooking up on it. Really, it’s fine. It’s the door at the end of the hall.”

Yixing hesitates before nodding once and putting his hands on Joonmyun’s that are still wrapped around his middle to guide him towards the stairs. He says a thanks to the guy and walks slowly over to the stairs where he detaches Joonmyun from his back, so he can walk up the stairs behind him. Before ushering Joonmyun he looks around the room, going up on his tippy toes to see over the heads of people, searching for Baekhyun or even Jongdae. When he doesn’t spot them, Yixing sighs and helps Joonmyun up the stairs to the bedroom offered to them. He hopes Baekhyun doesn’t think he and Joonmyun left without them, or that Baekhyun and Jongdae didn’t leave already.

Joonmyun is a giggling mess as he falls back on the bed, narrowly avoiding a pile of textbooks left open. He yawns loudly as Yixing moves the books out of the way, careful not to lose the page.

“Yixing, I’m so hungry. Where are Baekhyun and Jongdae? We should go eat,” Joonmyun mumbles as he fumbles with his gun holster on his waist so it’s not underneath him anymore. “I can’t believe Baekhyun and I have matching costumes and he’s not even hanging out with me.”

Yixing sits down next to Joonmyun and pats his chest gently. “You’ll get used to it.”

Joonmyun grunts in response, fiddling with his vest and Yixing looks around the room. Anime posters are plastered all over the walls, as well as random film posters. There’s a few pictures of scenery hung over the desk against the far wall and sketches of something Yixing can’t make out from the bed. Joonmyun is mumbling about food, still, next to him. Yixing’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he leans back to fish it out. It was just far enough for Joonmyun to reach out and wrap his arms around Yixing again, sticking himself to Yixing like a leech. A cute, drunk, leech.

 

**From: Kim Jongdae**

**Baekhyun is plastered and hungry. Where r u guys?**

**To: Kim Jongdae**

**Meet you outside in the front in ten.**

 

“Joonmyun,” Yixing says as he pats Joonmyun’s hands gently.

“Huh?”

“We gotta get up.”

“No,” Joonmyun whines, dragging out the syllables. “We just laid down. I’m so comfy.”

“Do you want food?”

“Uh huh.”

“Then we have to get up.”

Joonmyun huffs quietly to himself and lets go of Yixing as he pushes himself up slowly and clumsily. Yixing stands up and grabs Joonmyun’s hand pulling him up and leading him to the door slowly.

“What are we going to eat?” Joonmyun asks, almost stumbling into Yixing’s back as they walk down the hallway to the stairs.

“Whatever you and Baekhyun want,” Yixing says as he places Joonmyun’s hand on the railing so he’s less likely to fall. Yixing walks down the stairs behind him, hands gripping onto Joonmyun’s shirt. Joonmyun looks over his shoulder and up at Yixing with a smile on his face.

“I want steak.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Joonmyun nods and turns to face forward and continue down the stairs. They make it down safely, thank God, because Yixing was sure that Joonmyun was going down face first at any second. Yixing grips onto his hand tightly to weave through the crowd of people, stopping by the dining room to see if he can find the guy who lent them his bedroom. He’s hard to miss, honestly, his head sticking up out of the crown and Yixing finds him easily. He’s still playing beer pong and it doesn’t seem like he’s lost yet.

“Hey,” Yixing shouts over the music and taps him on the shoulder. The guy turns around, a smile still plastered on his face. “Thanks for letting him rest in your room, just thought I’d let you know that it’s open because we’re leaving.”

“Oh, okay,” he nods and waves a little, leaning to the side again to wave at Joonmyun who waves back belatedly. “Do you go to Hongik? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you.”

“Oh, no, neither of us do. But, we really have to go, I need to get him home.”

The guy just nods and smiles, turning back to the table while others around them set it up for the next round. Yixing leads Joonmyun the rest of the way through the house, avoiding the girl from earlier and taking cups of beer out of Joonmyun’s hand that he somehow got ahold of. Finally, they make it out of the front door and Yixing sees Jongdae holding up a half asleep Baekhyun.

“You took forever,” Jongdae whines as he hoists Baekhyun up who smiles at Yixing, dopey and drunk. “I’m gonna call a cab.”

“Food,” Joonmyun slurs as he brushes the hair out of Baekhyun’s eyes. “Yixing promised food.”

“Yeah, I’m hungry,” Baekhyun agrees with a giggle and Jongdae looks between the two before sighing.

“Alright we’ll get food. And then we’re all going home,” Jongdae says as he dials a number on his phone for the cab company. “I didn’t plan on babysitting tonight.”

Yixing ignores Jongdae’s comment and hums quietly to himself, waiting for the cab. Joonmyun’s head is leaning on his shoulder and Yixing doesn’t know when, but Baekhyun’s hand is holding onto his as he leans against Jongdae. Yixing squeezes Baekhyun’s hand and Baekhyun opens one of his eyes to peek at Yixing.

“I’m cold,” Baekhyun mutters as a shiver rolls through his body. He’s practically naked, of course he’s cold. Yixing shakes his head and unties his cape to give to Baekhyun. It’s not much, but at least it’s something. Baekhyun wraps it around his shoulders and leans back into Jongdae who’s finally off the phone.

“It’ll be here in a few minutes,” Jongdae says and he wraps his arm around Baekhyun’s waist, pulling him firmly against his side.

“We’ve been waiting for hours,” Joonmyun mumbles and Yixing laughs softly, reaching over to pat the side of his head.

“It’s been like five minutes at most.”

“Oh, that’s even worse.”

Honestly, Yixing was hoping to get quite drunk tonight, but he supposes that his buzz is sufficient enough so he has something to tease Joonmyun about when he’s sober again. The cab pulls up a few minutes later and Baekhyun yells, “Jongdae calls shotgun!” as he climbs into the back seat, making sure Yixing sits next to him in the middle.

Jongdae doesn’t even have time to be upset about having to sit in the front seat because the cab driver gives him a glare when he’s the only person that’s still not in the car. Jongdae huffs and climbs into the passenger side as Yixing sits in the back, squished between the two drunks.

Both Baekhyun and Joonmyun are leaning into Yixing, using him as a pillow. He feels oddly content there, in between two of the people he loves the most, even if one of them has a boyfriend who’s sitting up in the front seat. Yixing thinks that if he could have just this for the rest of his life, he’d be perfectly fine. Even if Baekhyun never loves him the way he loves him, even after the flowers in his chest inevitably suffocate him, he’ll never love anything more.

Like Joonmyun knows what Yixing is thinking, just like he always does somehow, he wiggles his arm to link with Yixing’s. Even when Joonmyun is drunk and half asleep he’s comforting Yixing without even knowing.

Baekhyun whines softly, mumbling about food again and Jongdae tells him that they’re almost there. When Yixing looks over to him, Baekhyun is looking up at him, eyes lidded from the alcohol. He gives Yixing a small smile and reaches up to pat Yixing’s cheek gently.

“You’re a great best friend, you know that?” It’s less of a question and more of a statement, like Baekhyun has known nothing truer. “I love you so much, Yixing.”

The movement in Yixing’s chest nearly knocks the wind from his lungs, like a whole tree sprouted in his body, forcing out all of the oxygen as fast as it can. It feels like his chest is caving in on itself as the flowers shift and bloom at an alarming rate. It’s like they’re reminding him that Baekhyun doesn’t mean it in the way he wishes. That all this time of quietness was just waiting for something bad to happen. His eyes start to water at the mercy of the discomfort in his upper torso, but he blinks them away quickly and returns Baekhyun’s gentle smile, hoping it doesn’t look as pained as it feels.

Yixing reaches up to pull at Baekhyun’s ear as a response, because he doesn’t trust that flowers won’t spill from his mouth once he opens it.

The cab comes to a stop in front of the restaurant that Yixing works at, and Yixing has never been more relieved to see this building in his life. He helps Baekhyun and Joonmyun out of the back seat and into a booth in the restaurant. He slips to the bathroom before the two inebriated ones can ask where he’s going. Or Jongdae, for that matter.

Yixing locks the door behind him, hoping and praying no one tries to come in. He was right about not trying talk, because as soon as he opens his mouth, his hands bracing the edges of the sink, dozens of spit-slicked purple petals fall into the basin. Despite that it felt like a whole tree grew in his chest in a matter of seconds, all that comes up are the petals. Not even any stems or buds. Yixing supposes that that could be a good sign. Only when he was at his worst was there anything other than petals. Maybe it’s just because they have been so inactive lately, it felt worse than what it actually was.

Yixing grabs a paper towel and scoops out as many of the petals as he can out of the sink, then turns on the water to wash the rest of them down the drain. He places his hands on his ribs, wincing a little when the pressure feels like he’s pressing on bruises. He lifts up his shirt, and looks at his side in the mirror, and sees a few purpling bruises. Yixing sighs to himself, touching the bruises gently with his fingers. This has never happened before. He fixes his shirt, pulling it back down and dabs away the sweat that lines his hairline.

When he gets back to the booth where the other three are sitting he finds Jongdae looking exasperated and Joonmyun and Baekhyun are sharing a milkshake, giggling to each other like little kids. Joonmyun is sitting next to Jongdae, and Baekhyun is on the opposite side. Jongdae looks up to see Yixing and a look of relief washes over his face.

“Oh, thank God you’re back,” he sighs running his hands through his hair quickly. “Joonmyun has talking about getting a steak and Baekhyun insisted that he sit next to you, for whatever reason.”

Yixing isn’t proud about the wave of temporary joy that surges through him at what Jongdae just said to him. Baekhyun isn’t doing anything wrong, but Yixing knows it because he’s drunk and Yixing has no room to get excited over something that means nothing.

“You’re back,” Baekhyun smiles up at him and grabs Yixing’s arm, pulling him into the booth next to him. “Joonmyun hyung and I got this milkshake, do you want some? It’s _so_ good.”

“So good, Yixing,” Joonmyun adds with a mouth full of milkshake. Yixing laughs softly and grabs the spoon from the tumbler, taking a bite of the chocolate milkshake.

“I’ll let you guys in on a secret,” Yixing stage whispers, and Joonmyun and Baekhyun lean in with their eyes wide in anticipation. “I make them better.”

Joonmyun thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world and erupts into hiccup-y laughter, not minding how loud he is. Yixing’s heart swells at the sound.

“We’ll get some burgers then we’ll get you guys home. Alright?”

“I was really looking forward to that steak,” Joonmyun huffs and Yixing laughs before calling over the waiter and telling him their order. Baekhyun is still sitting in his barely-there outfit, Yixing’s cape wrapped around his neck. He wishes that they’d brought Baekhyun a jacket, or something.

“God this underwear thing is so uncomfortable,” Baekhyun whines and shifts in his seat, pulling at the fabric that drapes over his lap and falls to his feet under the table. “Jongdae-yah, let me wear your thing.”

“You can’t,” Jongdae says and takes a drink of his soda. “I’m not wearing anything but underwear under this.”

Yixing and Joonmyun laugh softly as Baekhyun pouts, pulling at the bra piece. Eventually he gives up messing with his outfit and props his head up in the palm of his hand and flicks tiny pieces of napkin at Jongdae.

After the waiter drops off their food Joonmyun sighs as he pops a French fry into his mouth. “I’m not even drunk anymore. I’m not that hungry.”

Yixing steals a fry off his plate and Baekhyun nods in agreement, “Yeah, me either. The food took too long. I just want to sleep”

Jongdae sighs quietly to himself and Yixing gets up to go back and grab boxes for them from behind the counter. A plus of working there is that he doesn’t have to wait for the waiter to come back. Knowing them, Yixing thinks they’re probably all out back smoking cigarettes and complaining about working on Halloween.

When Yixing comes back Jongdae is leaning back against the wall and Baekhyun has his head pillowed on his arms on the table. He looks like he could fall asleep any moment. Joonmyun looks mostly bored as he picks at his fries, eating half of one and then dropping it back onto the plate before he picks up another one and repeats.

Yixing packs each of their burgers and fries into separate Styrofoam boxes and holds Joonmyun’s as he helps the older out of the booth. Jongdae shakes Baekhyun gently to get him to wake up enough to stand up and leave.

Baekhyun lives in the opposite direction that Yixing does, so when they exit the diner, the four of them split into pairs to head off in their separate ways for the night. Yixing tells Jongdae to text him when they make it to Baekhyun’s apartment, knowing that it’ll take them more time than it will him and Joonmyun. Jongdae nods and wraps his arm around Baekhyun’s waist, holding him close to his side. Yixing watches as Baekhyun’s head rests on Jongdae’s shoulder and they walk away slowly, Baekhyun stumbling a little.

Joonmyun pulls on Yixing’s hand, easily getting his attention and gives him a soft smile. Yixing squeezes his hand once and smiles back at him.

“Did you have fun tonight?” Joonmyun asks as they walk down the mostly empty street. The fall air around them is starting smell a lot more like winter and Yixing knows that the time until Joonmyun leaves is getting shorter and shorter. He wants to keep moments, like the one in the cab before Yixing’s chest imploded, frozen in time. Just so he doesn’t have to move on from them, so he can stay in good moments forever.

“I did, yeah. I had a lot of fun.”

“Don’t be too sad, okay?” Joonmyun is leaning into him, like Baekhyun was doing to Jongdae a few minutes ago. Yixing thinks that their height difference makes it cuter than Jongdae and Baekhyun who are practically the same height. “I had fun, too. I’m glad you and Baekhyun included me in your tradition.”

Yixing laughs softly and presses his lips against the hair on top of Joonmyun’s head. “I think you’ll be a part of our tradition for a long time, Joonmyun.”

They walk the rest of the way to Yixing’s apartment quietly, Joonmyun softly humming to himself and Yixing listening. Yixing refuses to think about how something is missing and just thinks about falling asleep with Joonmyun in his arms in a short while. It’s a lot easier that way.

Joonmyun settles into Yixing’s bed, falling asleep before Yixing finishes brushing his teeth. He’s wearing one of Yixing’s shirts, one from an amusement park he went to with Baekhyun in high school. Yixing flips off the light and slips under the covers next to Joonmyun, who’s quietly snoring away. Yixing cups Joonmyun’s cheek, careful not to wake him, and brushes his thumb over Joonmyun’s parted lips.

He didn’t expect there to be a mole under Joonmyun’s lip like his own, but the disappointment still sits heavy in his chest next to the flowers. Yixing sighs softly to himself and tucks his hand under his head as he watches the blankets rise and fall with each of Joonmyun’s breaths. Moles aren’t always a part of the soulmate thing, he knows. But maybe just this one time Yixing wanted something to be easy on him. Moles are just from being in love, nothing more.

There’s a good chance he’ll never find out which one his mole is for.

 

Midterms come around again, and Joonmyun and Yixing seem to have a nice rhythm going between them. Joonmyun is stressed about leaving in a few months, but somehow at the same time he calms Yixing’s nerves and makes Yixing forget about it. When Yixing thinks about it, he really can’t believe that he’s only known Joonmyun for a handful of months. It seems like so much longer.

Soon they’re on winter break and they see less and less of Baekhyun. Yixing notices that Joonmyun stops trying to invite Baekhyun to go places with them, or to come over and eat. He’s not lying when he says it makes him sad. Yixing is used to Baekhyun doing this, but Joonmyun isn’t.

“It feels like I’m losing a friend,” Joonmyun says one day as they lie on his couch together, tangled up in a blanket with a show as background noise. “But then all of the sudden he just shows up like nothing has happened; like he hasn’t been missing from our lives for weeks and weeks.”

Yixing nods as he pats the legs that are interwoven with his own. He gets that, and Joonmyun knows he does. He’s been doing it for years. He wishes that Joonmyun could skip the sad part and just get to the understanding part faster. The last thing Yixing wants is for Joonmyun to be upset.

“He’s been doing for years,” Yixing shrugs. He’s past being sad about it all, he has been for a while. “It’s seriously like he can’t help it. I’ve talked to him about it before and he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.”

Joonmyun just sighs and takes a drink of his hot chocolate Yixing made for them. “I don’t know how you do it.”

If Yixing is being honest, he doesn’t really either. He just knows that he loves Baekhyun, and nothing can change that. Yixing shrugs again and rubs Joonmyun’s leg slowly. He doesn’t really want to be sad and he doesn’t want Joonmyun to be sad, Yixing just wants to spend the last month and half he has with Joonmyun happily.

“How’s packing?” Yixing asks, changing the subject and Joonmyun shrinks down into the couch, pulling the blanket over his head. Yixing laughs softly and tugs at the blankets, trying to get Joonmyun to stop hiding. “Seriously? Still?”

“I’d much rather spend time with you than going through my room and packing stuff,” Joonmyun whines, muffled from under the covers. “Plus, most of the things I need to pack are things I use all the time.”

Yixing shakes his head and sets down his mug on the coffee table before moving so he’s hovering over Joonmyun on the couch. Joonmyun pulls down the blankets so just his eyes are peeking out and Yixing smiles at him softly before pulling down the blanket to show Joonmyun’s pouted lips.

“Kim Joonmyun, what am I going to do with you?” Yixing sighs fondly and Joonmyun shrugs a little, playing nonchalant.

“You could kiss me.”

“In my expert opinion, kisses should be saved as rewards for when you do something you’re supposed to without procrastinating it.”

Joonmyun pouts more at that, his bottom lip sticking out. Yixing laughs quietly to himself, but kisses him anyway. It’s safe to say that Joonmyun has Yixing wrapped around his finger.

Joonmyun hums into the kiss and frees his hands from under the blanket to pull Yixing down so they’re pressed together. Yixing keeps one hand on the couch to hold himself up, but cups Joonmyun’s face with the other, thumb rubbing against his cheek gently as their lips move together. The perfect amount of push and pull.

Yixing shudders when Joonmyun licks into his mouth and pushes his hands under Yixing’s shirt.

“Joonmyun,” Yixing whispers as he kisses along the older’s jaw slowly. Joonmyun hums, telling Yixing to keep going. “You really want to do this on your couch?”

“I don’t care.” Joonmyun lets out a shaky breath as Yixing’s hand slips under his shirt and his fingers fan across his stomach. “I don’t care.”

Yixing grips Joonmyun’s hip and kisses along the column of his neck as Joonmyun’s hand moves to the button on Yixing’s pants and undoes them, pushing them down to mid-thigh. Joonmyun slips his hand under the waistband of Yixing’s boxers slowly and Yixing sighs out into Joonmyun’s neck as he takes Yixing into his hand.

Joonmyun makes Yixing forget everything, he takes all of his thoughts and presses them into nothingness. Nothing else matters when Joonmyun’s lips are on his, when his hands are holding Yixing close to him. All chaos in his mind and in his life, seems to vanish into thin air.

Yixing buries his face in the crook of his neck, completely at Joonmyun’s will, lost in the way Joonmyun makes him feel. Yixing lets Joonmyun have him, and Joonmyun is only soft sweet touches. Yixing hasn’t felt this way in a long time, he hasn’t felt this much love in a long time.

Yixing lets go with Joonmyun’s name falling from his lips, and his body on cloud nine.

 

Yixing decides that he hates airports faster than he’s ever decided anything in his life. As he’s loading Joonmyun’s bags out of the trunk of his car, a cold breeze blows through the Incheon Airport and he’s nearly knocked off his feet. The coat he has on is doing nothing to keep him warm and his fingers might fall off at any second. Yixing hears Joonmyun’s muffled laugh from behind his scarf that’s wrapped around half of his face. He turns around to pull on it to shush Joonmyun, but the older is running across the street towards the building, white clouds of smoke curl out of Joonmyun’s mouth as he laughs louder. Yixing is suddenly warm again.

It’s still dark out, they’re here at some ungodly hour in the morning that Yixing doesn’t even want to talk about. Yixing closes the trunk of Joonmyun’s car and locks it before lugging the rest of Joonmyun’s bags towards the warmth of the building. When he looks up from the ground he finds Joonmyun standing in front of him, a backpack on his back and two suitcases in each hand staring at Yixing. His eyes are shining, even in the dark. Yixing lets out a slow breath, trying to regain his composure because Joonmyun always does this to him.

Joonmyun lets go of his bags and grabs Yixing’s face, kissing him with chapped lips that Yixing can’t help but love. Yixing wants to whine and cry and laugh all at once. He lets go of his bags and wraps his arms around Joonmyun, who is definitely tiptoeing to reach his mouth, and holds him close.

“Come on, it’s cold out here,” Yixing says against Joonmyun’s lips quietly, trying his hardest not to burst the bubble they’ve found themselves in. “Let’s go inside, yeah?”

He feels Joonmyun take a deep breath, Yixing feels the warm breath he lets out on his neck, before letting go. Yixing leans forward once more to peck Joonmyun on the lips, telling him that he’s here, and it’s okay. Joonmyun understands, just like he always does. They each pick up their bags again and make their way across the road to the building. Yixing can practically feel Joonmyun’s energy radiating off him, the excited, the nervous, and everything in between.

Yixing knows that Joonmyun deserves this more than anyone, but God, he’s going to miss him more than anything.

All of the sudden Joonmyun and Yixing are standing in front of the bag check, and Joonmyun’s staring at him with watery eyes, and he’s already crying.

“Joonmyun, you’re going to have so much fun,” Yixing whispers, trying not to let his voice crack. Joonmyun nods and sniffles, burying himself into Yixing’s chest, hugging him close. Yixing grips onto his sweatshirt and wills himself not to shake. He wants to not make a fool of himself, he wants Joonmyun to know that he’ll be okay here without him for a few months. It’s a hard feat to accomplish.

The past few months it has been nothing but him and Joonmyun, they’ve done everything together, and Yixing feels like he’s losing a part of him now that Joonmyun is going to England. Joonmyun has helped Yixing be happy, and forget, and now he’s not going to have that. But, he has to be okay, not just for Joonmyun, but for himself as well. He hears Joonmyun whimper into his chest and his heart breaks into a thousand pieces.

 

_“I think you should come home with me for Christmas,” Joonmyun said as they laid in Yixing’s bed, the sun shining in his window to make Joonmyun look like his skin was glowing. The sheets covered up just to Joonmyun’s waist, but one of his legs was sticking out from under the covers. He had been laying on his stomach, his head propped up in his hands, Yixing was tracing the lines of muscle on his back slowly as he laid on his side, facing Joonmyun._

_“You think so, huh?” Yixing had raised his eyebrows, his fingers ghosted over the small of Joonmyun’s back making the older shudder slightly._

_Joonmyun nodded, reaching over with one of his hands and moved the hair out of Yixing’s eyes before smiling at him. “Yeah, why not? You’ll have fun.”_

_Yixing had hummed softly and moved towards Joonmyun, making the older flip over to his back. Yixing had laced their fingers together and kissed him gently. “Christmas with the Kim’s,” Yixing laughs softly. “What if your brother gives me a noogie?”_

_“He saves those especially for me,” Joonmyun had rolled his eyes playfully. Yixing thought he had looked so beautiful just then. His eyes sparkling and curved up into small crescents, his lips still dark red from earlier. Yixing couldn’t help but kiss him again. “Come on, Yixing. I don’t want you to stay here alone.”_

_“I was going to help my grandmother use Skype, so we could talk all day, that’s not alone,” Yixing had pouted and Joonmyun reached up to squish his cheeks between his hands. He would be in his apartment alone, Baekhyun had told him that he was going to Jongdae’s parents in Busan for Christmas, leaving Yixing here alone for the holiday when he’d usually go to Baekhyun’s parents with him._

_“The best grandson in the world, truly, but you can still talk to her at my house.”_

_Yixing hummed softly and nodded as Joonmyun’s hands trailed down his back, making goosebumps rise in their wake. He leaned down to kiss along Joonmyun’s jaw slowly, his stubble tickling Yixing’s lips ever so slightly._

_“You need to shave,” Yixing said, changing the subject, because he didn’t know how to say that he’d go anywhere with Joonmyun without sounding desperate._

_“I’ll never shave again if you don’t come with me,” Joonmyun had breathed out the empty threat, thoroughly distracted by Yixing’s hand roaming over his torso._

_“I think that might be sexy.” Yixing had shrugged and Joonmyun grumbled at him. “Alright, I’ll go,” Yixing had said into Joonmyun’s mouth, wrapping his arms around Joonmyun and flipping them over so Joonmyun was on top of him. “Only if we go for a round two.”_

_Joonmyun laughed, bright and warm and it filled Yixing to the brim and more. The look of pure elation on his face was better than anything he could’ve asked for in that moment. “I was planning on a round two already, so this is hardly a compromise.”_

_“I enjoy a man with good stamina.”_

_“Shut up and just kiss me, Yixing.”_

 

“You’ll be fine, Yixing,” Joonmyun says as he pulls away just enough to look up and see Yixing’s face. “I know you will.”

This is all so ridiculous, because this isn’t about him, this is about Joonmyun. Yixing nods anyway and kisses along Joonmyun’s cheek until he gets to his mouth. He won’t have this for months, so he might as well savor it now. He doesn’t want to forget. He doesn’t think he could ever forget.

“Text me when you land, okay? I don’t want to sit here and worry about you all day.” Yixing takes a deep breath as he rubs Joonmyun’s arms and grabs his hand to squeeze it.

“I will, I promise.” Joonmyun nods and squeezes his hand back. “Tell Baekhyun not to miss me too much.”

Yixing nodded with a small smile and brought Joonmyun’s hands up to his lips to kiss them once. They had decided not to tell Baekhyun what time his flight left, because it was already going to be emotional enough just the two of them. Baekhyun would make it ten times harder for Joonmyun to leave. It was more to protect Baekhyun than themselves. Plus, Baekhyun hates waking up early, and hates airports, so this would be practically a death sentence to him.

“Be safe,” Yixing whispers as Joonmyun lets go of his hand and goes through security. Yixing watches as he slips off his shoes and piles his things into the little tubs to be scanned. When he steps through the metal detector, Joonmyun leans around the man scanning him and waves goodbye to Yixing one last time, teary eyed again.

“Oh, Christ, Joonmyun,” Yixing laughs to himself, the tears coming back in a tidal wave. He pats under his eyes with his sleeve and waits until Joonmyun disappears up the escalator and Yixing can’t see him any longer. Just a few months, Yixing tells himself, he can do this.

Yixing drives Joonmyun’s car back to his apartment and climbs into his empty bed, to go back to sleep, but he can’t. Not when he’s shared a bed with Joonmyun practically every night for the last month and a half. He’ll just have to suck it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> drinking, unwanted advances.

The start of the new, and final, semester of the school year Yixing finds himself stressed nearly immediately. His horrible planning left him having to take all his hard classes at once, and his professors immediately loaded on the coursework the first week back. He lays on his stomach, books about teaching ethics spread around him and his laptop is telling him it’s about to die. His phone buzzes underneath him and he’s greeted with a text from Joonmyun. If he’s being honest, Joonmyun is the only thing keeping him sane enough to not drop out, even thousands of miles away.

He opens the message to see Joonmyun standing in front of a massive castle, his hands thrown up in the air, and if Yixing zooms in he can see a smile covering his face. The picture is followed by another of Joonmyun saluting next to a guard with a silly hat and a serious expression. Joonmyun is sticking his tongue out even in the salute. Yixing laughs to himself, his whole body feeling warm at the sight. The second picture is followed by a text.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Do you think they’ll let me in to see the Queen?**

**To: Joonmyun-ah**

**definitely not, you’re too much of a hooligan**

 

Joonmyun responds with an angry face and Yixing sends back a heart followed by a request for an update on how England is. Yixing asks every day, but he never gets tired of how excited Joonmyun is about it, of how much Joonmyun loves it there. His phone rings, telling him that Joonmyun wants to FaceTime.

Yixing answers it immediately and he’s greeted by a comfy looking Joonmyun, dressed in his pajamas and his knee hugged to his chest.

“Hold on, let me plug in my laptop so I can use that instead,” Yixing says quickly and he rolls over to the edge of his bed to grab the cord and plugs in his laptop. He calls Joonmyun back using his computer, and this time he’s greeted by a pouting Joonmyun instead. “Hi, don’t pout at me.”

“I’ll pout all I want,” Joonmyun says, but a smile is taking over his face as he pulls his own computer closer to him. “I miss you.”

Yixing props his head up in the palm of his hand as he lays on his stomach in front of his laptop and watches Joonmyun, quietly for a moment. He can’t help but smile at him. “I miss you, too, but no sappy stuff yet, I want to hear about what you did today.”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes and huffs a little, “It’s been two weeks, aren’t you getting tired of it?”

“Absolutely not,” Yixing huffs back, the smile on his face not able to go away for even a second. “And I definitely want to hear about how hard you tried to get the guard to smile.”

Yixing doesn’t miss the blush on Joonmyun’s face as he adjusts himself in bed before diving into his activities from that day. He has nothing but praise for how stunning Buckingham Palace is, and he swears on his life that he’ll take Yixing there so he can see it in person. He talks for a good half hour about how breathtaking the countryside scenery is, how much he loves it there.

“But, I love it in Seoul more,” Joonmyun sighs as he pulls his covers up to his chin. Sometime between his story about how he asked for the wrong thing in English and how he flirted with the palace guard, he had laid down in his bed, eyes looking sleepy. “You’re there and Baekhyun is there. That’s where home always will be.”

“Are you finally getting homesick?” Yixing asks and his chest tightens just minutely. He doesn’t want Joonmyun to be sad.

“Maybe a little, but it’s alright,” Joonmyun says and Yixing can tell he’s trying not to worry him. “I’ll be home before I know it and then I’ll be complaining about how I didn’t have enough time to do all the stuff I wanted to.”

Joonmyun yawns and Yixing looks at the time on his computer frowning a little. It’s nearly two am in England.

“You need to sleep, Joonmyun.” Yixing watches as Joonmyun whines a little and covers his head with his blanket.

“I don’t want to,” His voice comes muffled from under his covers and Yixing laughs softly to himself.

“We’ll talk when you wake up, promise.” Yixing holds out his pinking waiting for Joonmyun to peek out from under his blanket and see it. When he finally does he holds his pinky up as well and they pretend to lock them together.

“Have a good day. Don’t stress yourself out too much, okay?”

“I won’t,” Yixing shakes his head with a smile. “Goodnight, Joonmyun, talk to you soon.”

The look Joonmyun gives him when he finally says bye and hangs up makes Yixing want to drink enough to convince himself to buy a ticket to England to see Joonmyun in person. Yixing sighs as he gets back to his homework before he has to get ready to see Kasper and Jieun later on. He promised Joonmyun he wouldn’t lock himself inside all day, so he made plans to hang out with them for a majority of the day.

 

"I haven’t seen you since New Year’s,” Jieun grumbles as the three of them walk down the street to a new BBQ place Kasper wanted to try. The weather has been bitingly cold lately, so Yixing grabbed one of Joonmyun’s scarves to wrap around him. It smells just like him, and no one has to know that Yixing has taken a habit to take deep inhales.

“That’s your fault,” Yixing points out as he lightly elbows her arm. “I’m at the studio when I’m not studying. You just never come to the studio anymore.”

“He’s right, Jieunnie,” Kasper laughs as he walks ahead of them a little and turns around to walk backward. “You’re spending too much time with Jinri.”

Yixing didn’t think he’d be able to see Jieun flush because her cheeks were already pink from the cold, but he practically watched them turn two shades darker. He smiles and puts his arm around Jieun’s shoulders.

“Ah, Jieun is in love,” he sighs dramatically. “What will your husband ever think of this?”

Jieun shoves Yixing away and he can’t help but laugh. He loves spending time with these two, and wishes he had more time to.

“Baekhyun gave up his title as my husband when he found a new boyfriend. That’s all on him.”

“Where is he, by the way,” Kasper asks as he gets back in line with the other two, his arm replacing Yixing’s on Jieun’s shoulders. “I really haven’t seen much of him at all.”

“Where do you think he is,” Jieun sighs dramatically and links her arm with Yixing. Yixing sighs out through his nose. This isn’t what he wanted to talk about, but Baekhyun is their friend as well.

“He’s always with Jongdae.” Yixing shrugs and then points ahead of them. “Hey, is this the place?”

Kasper walks ahead of them again, hurrying into the building as Jieun and Yixing stay walking side by side.

“You’re okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Yixing replies, playing nonchalant. He really is mostly okay, he has Joonmyun, even if he’s thousands of miles away. He doesn’t feel alone as much as he used to. Of course, his heart still hurts when he thinks of Baekhyun, the flowers in his chest still flutter when he sees the pictures Baekhyun posts of him and Jongdae doing things together. It’s probably something he’ll just have to live with the rest of his life. But, that’s okay because he has Joonmyun.

“Yixing,” Jieun glares up at him and Yixing tries to smile at her, to get her to drop it. He knows she won’t.

“Okay, sure, I’m a little upset,” Yixing shrugs. “But, really, I’m fine. I’ve just accepted it now.”

“You should still tell him.”

Yixing shakes his head and opens the door for her to walk in. He’s not going to go into why he can’t do that, he’s done with the conversation. He’s not out with them to talk about his feelings for Baekhyun, he just wants to talk about them and with them. Jieun lets it drop, thankfully, and they find Kasper already sitting at a table in the back, turning on the grill for them.

“Took you guys long enough,” Kasper says as he sets shot glasses at their places and fills them with soju. “I’ve heard this place is amazing.”

“You’re planning on getting us drunk?” Yixing asks with a chuckle but takes the shot anyway and gulps it down.

“You’ll get drunk on your own accord, I’m just providing the soju.”

Jieun rolls her eyes and calls over the waiter to order the meat to grill.

Yixing catches up on everything he’s missed in his friend’s lives the last few weeks, and honestly, it sounds like they’re doing amazing. Jieun is incredibly happy with her girlfriend, and Kasper’s happy with his as well. Kasper met her at the studio, and they instantly clicked, it seems. He gasses up her dancing so much that Yixing might just have to see it for himself. When Kasper shows him a picture of her, he understands why Kasper says it was love at first sight. She looks like a doll, big pretty eyes and all.

“She’s the sweetest thing,” Jieun sighs and takes a shot of soju. “It’s a shame she’s straight.”

Yixing laughs loudly, and Kasper jokingly yells at her to stop trying to steal his girlfriend.

“How is Joonmyun doing in England?” Kasper asks as he rolls a piece of meat into lettuce and handing it over to Jieun to eat. Yixing tries to hide his excitement when he’s talking about Joonmyun, but he doesn’t think he’s doing a very good job.

“Oh, he’s great. He loves it so much,” Yixing says with a smile, his insides feeling warm just talking about him. Maybe it’s the soju. “He tells me every day how pretty it is.”

Yixing’s phone buzzes as if on cue and he looks at it to see a message from Joonmyun. It’s a blurry picture of a castle.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Look at this castle!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

 

Yixing can’t help that his smile grows ten times bigger as he replies quickly.

 

**To: Joonmyun-ah**

**I only see a giant blur!!!!!!!!**

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Shut up!!!!!!!!**

A chopstick taps on the bowl of rice in front of Yixing who looks up to see Kasper and Jieun staring at him, fond looks horribly masked by false annoyance.

“Earth to Yixing,” Jieun says before taking a bite of her rice with a piece of meat on top of it.

Yixing pockets his phone as heat rises on his cheeks. He hopes his cheeks are red enough from the heat of the room and the soju to mask it, he doubts it. “Sorry.”

“Joonmyun?” Kasper asks with a smirk and Yixing nods, shoving a huge lettuce wrap in his mouth to avoid talking.

“Come on, let’s take a picture to send to him,” Jieun suggests and Yixing flushes even darker. “What? We miss him, too!”

Yixing pulls out his phone and complies leaning towards them and holds up a V, mirroring the same pose Kasper and Jieun are doing and takes the picture. He sends it to Joonmyun, telling him that they miss him. Joonmyun replies a few seconds later.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Aw, I miss them too! Tell Jieun I said I hope her and Jinri are doing well and Kasper that I’m practicing dancing diligently so I can be better than him in the future!**

 

Yixing relays the message and Kasper snatches his phone, taking another selfie and replying to Joonmyun with ‘Fighting!’ which Joonmyun replies to with too much laughter. Yixing’s heart swells to the size of a blue whale.

“Ah… How does he do that?” Jieun asks, clicking her tongue. “He always remembers everything about everyone. He’s so nice.”

Yixing nods with a smile, he truly is the nicest person Yixing has ever met. He just got lucky, he supposes.

After one last bottle of soju split between the three of them, they decide to call it a night, mostly because they’re stuffed to the brim with food. Yixing catches a cab home after bidding farewell to Kasper and Jieun who go the opposite way. It was nice catching up with them, he’ll have to go out with them again soon so he doesn’t get lonely.

Yixing lays down in his bed after taking a shower and pats Joonmyun’s side gently with a sigh. Only four and a half more months.

“I think I could totally be a Kingsman,” Joonmyun says as he pops a chip into his mouth. Yixing is more watching him than he’s watching the movie, if he’s being completely honest. Weekends mean they get to Skype for longer, and this time Joonmyun decided they’d watch a movie together. The main character has some weird name. Eggs, or something like that. Yixing’s more concentrated on how Joonmyun’s hair keeps falling in his eyes because it’s gotten just a smidge too long.

“I don’t think you could kill anyone,” Yixing says with a shrug and Joonmyun looks straight into his camera like he’s looking at Yixing directly with a pout.

“Don’t ruin my dreams.”

“How dare you, I’d never do such a thing,” Yixing gasps dramatically and it makes Joonmyun laugh, bright and happy. Yixing’s favorite sound. He wishes he could reach out and fix Joonmyun’s bangs for him, and hold his hand, amongst other things.

When the credits start to roll Joonmyun yawns loudly, stretching out on his bed. He’s still in his pajamas from the morning. He woke up and the first thing he did was call Yixing, pulling him away from his work. Not that Yixing minded at all.

“What are you going to do with the rest of your day, you lazy bum,” Yixing asks as he rolls to his side and adjusts his laptop so the angle is just a tad more flattering.

Joonmyun props his head up in the palm of his hand and uses his other hand to brush his bangs back and out of his eyes. “We’re going to some fancy restaurant for dinner in a little while. I should probably shower so I don’t smell like potato chips. And you should probably go to sleep, it’s late.”

“Please, it’s not that late.” Yixing rolls his eyes and looks at the time on his computer. It’s only one A.M., that’s not horribly late.

“Still, you should sleep.”

“Trying to get rid of me, huh?” Yixing asks with a smirk and Joonmyun glares at him before covering up his webcam with his hand. “No, come back!”

A few moments pass before Joonmyun moves his hand away from the camera so Yixing can see him again. “I really should shower, though.”

“Okay, okay, go shower. I’ll go to sleep soon.”

Joonmyun waves goodbye and blows him a kiss before shutting his laptop and it makes Yixing blush. Which is really ridiculous when Yixing thinks about it. Joonmyun isn’t allowed to make him blush while he’s thousands of miles away, that’s just not fair.

Yixing closes his laptop and puts it off to the side as he stacks his books on his bedside table for tomorrow. There’s no real use in trying to pick up his work he started hours ago. He grunts as he pushes himself off his bed and shuffles to his kitchen to get a refill the water bottle he’s been sipping on since this morning. Just as he is leaving the kitchen to head back to his room his front door swings open, banging against the wall behind it and knocking over Yixing’s coat tree, which in all honesty he has no clue how he got it. It just showed up one day. The door swinging open at one in the morning is weirder, though, because he swore it’s been locked all day.

“Yixing?” Baekhyun calls out, too loud to be sober. Yixing winces as Baekhyun stumbles over his own feet as he tries to take a step forward and falls down to his knees. Baekhyun groans to himself as he forces himself up off the ground to stand back up, swaying a little.

“You’re drunk,” Yixing sighs as he guides Baekhyun to the kitchen to sit in one of the chairs at the table. Baekhyun pulls his arm out of Yixing’s grasp rather forcefully and it makes Yixing frown. Baekhyun’s rarely ever angry when he’s drunk. “Why’re you here?”

“Am I not allowed to go to my best friend’s house anymore?” Baekhyun takes the water Yixing hands him and drinks it too fast. Yixing takes the glass back up and fills it up again before he answers Baekhyun.

“You know you’re always welcome here, that’s _why_ you’re here. I’m just wondering why you didn’t go to Jongdae’s.”

Baekhyun takes smaller drinks of his water this time, but his sobriety is nowhere in sight. It would be best if Yixing just coerced him to go to sleep instead. Baekhyun rolls his eyes and pushes his water away, the liquid sloshing over the sides of the glass from the force.

“Don’t talk about him,” Baekhyun says and unzips his jacket, struggling to get out of it. “I don’t want to fucking talk about him.”

“Oh,” Yixing says quietly. He knows what _that_ means. Honestly, he doesn’t know why that wasn’t his first thought when Baekhyun crashed into his apartment.

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

Baekhyun is being extremely bitter towards Yixing, like it’s his fault or something, and Yixing doesn’t understand it at all. He wants to text Joonmyun and ask him what to do, but his phone is laying on his bed in the other room. Yixing folds his hands together instead and chews on his lip, not sure of what else to say.

“You know, I thought Jongdae and I were so great. Like, _so_ fucking great. We liked the same things, we have the same sense of humor, we’re the same age. Perfect, right?” Baekhyun laughs bitterly and pulls his jacket onto his lap, pulling a bottle of vodka out of the pocket and unscrewing it. “But, God, could we have the most different ideas of perfect.”

Before Yixing can stop him, he takes large gulps of the vodka, and Yixing know it must burn going down, based on the face Baekhyun makes after he pulls the bottle away from his lips. Baekhyun holds the bottle close to his chest, like he knows if he lets go of it Yixing will take it from him. He’s not wrong, Yixing wants to take it from him right now and dump it down the sink.

“Baekhyun,” Yixing starts but Baekhyun holds up his hand, and the words that Yixing were going to say disappear into thin air.

“To be frank, I don’t want to hear it.”

Yixing sighs to himself and walks back to the sink, busying himself with the dirty dishes that need to be washed. If Baekhyun is going to be like this, there’s no use in trying. At least not tonight.

“You and Joonmyun are dating, huh?”

Yixing’s skin prickles and he grips the washcloth in his hand. He definitely didn’t want to have this conversation.

“Uh, we– No, not really.” They aren’t, not really. They never put a label on it, but Yixing thinks they might be sort of boyfriends. That’s not the issue at hand, though.

“Hm.”

“What does that mean?” Yixing turns around and stares at Baekhyun as he dries his hands on a different towel. He doesn’t feel like accidentally stabbing his hand during this conversation. Baekhyun just shrugs, but the look on his face says a whole different story. “You know, you’re being kind of an asshole.”

Baekhyun laughs at that and takes another drink from his bottle. Yixing doesn’t even feel like stopping him anymore. His laugh sounds too forced, too high pitched. It’s like nails on a chalkboard.

“Does that work on you?”

Yixing blinks at Baekhyun who’s tracing the lip of the glass bottle with his thumb, a terrible smirk on his face. He looks over at Yixing through his bangs, his eyes glossed over from the alcohol.

“I don’t suppose it does. Joonmyun’s all goody two shoes, right,” He snorts and sets the bottle on the table next to him.

Yixing lets out a breathy laugh, he’s truly at a loss for words. In all the years that Yixing has known Baekhyun, he’s never acted like this. Yixing doesn’t even know how to react. He can’t do anything but stare at Baekhyun in disbelief.

Before Yixing knows what’s happening, Baekhyun’s out of his chair, face inches from his own, and their chests pressed together. Yixing has never wanted to be anywhere else more than now. Baekhyun’s breath reeks of alcohol and Yixing turns his head so his nose is no longer being assaulted by the smell.

“Baekhyun you’re drunk.” Yixing says has he brings his hand up to cover his nose. The flowers in his chest are suddenly trying to explode from his sternum. The pressure is so intense he can barely breathe. It’s like they’re drawn to Baekhyun like he’s some sort of magnet and the closer he gets the stronger their pull is. He can’t let this happen, though. He knows what Baekhyun is trying to do, but he loves and cares about him too much for this to happen. Yixing knows Baekhyun would hate himself for this, too. “You need to sleep, get a clear head and think about what you’re doing and saying.”

Baekhyun tries to lean closer to Yixing, but Yixing puts his hands on his chest and shoves back, hard enough to make Baekhyun stumble back and fall onto the floor. Yixing’s mouth falls open in shock, he didn’t mean to do that. Yixing kneels next to Baekhyun and helps him sit up, hands shaking and chest throbbing in pain.

“Are you okay? I didn’t mean to push you that hard,” Yixing says, risking petals falling from his lips as he talks. Baekhyun lets out a shaky laugh and nods.

“I deserved it,” he says and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. He lays back onto the kitchen floor and stares at the ceiling, chest rising and falling rapidly. “I think you knocked some soberness into me. I’m really sorry, Yixing.”

Yixing lies next to him and swallows, nearly choking on a few petals that are caught in his throat. All of his nerves are buzzing, like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff. “You did deserve it.”

“I just– I thought that if you wanted me,” Baekhyun swallows thickly. Yixing doesn’t dare look over at him. “Even just physically, it would mean I wasn’t completely unlovable.”

“You? Unlovable?” Yixing laughs softly to himself and reaches over to pat Baekhyun’s shoulder gently. The idea truly is laughable to him. “Everyone loves you, Baekhyun.”

“Try telling that to all my fucked up relationships.” Baekhyun moves to rest his hands on his stomach and inhales deeply. “Jongdae just, I don’t know, thought we were more fuck buddies than anything. Which sucks.”

“Yeah, that does. I thought he was really into you.”

“Join the club.”

They lay there in silence for longer than Yixing can keep track of. Baekhyun’s steady breathing lets Yixing know that he’s still there and alive, other than that Yixing would have no way of knowing. He let his eyes close some time during their silence, and now they’re too heavy to open. All of the sudden Baekhyun rolls into his side and lets out a sob into his shirt. Yixing pulls him closer and holds the back of his head, letting him cry and apologize over and over again.

“I’m always going to love you, Baekhyun,” Yixing says once Baekhyun calms down enough. Baekhyun wipes his eyes with the back of his hands and lets out a weak laugh.

“Yeah, me too.”

By the time Yixing convinces Baekhyun to sleep in his bed and gets him settled, it’s nearly five in the morning. Yixing can’t get himself to sleep. Everything that happened the last few hours has his mind running a million miles an hour and his nerves are still on end. He doesn’t want to blame it on Baekhyun, but it definitely is his fault.

Yixing sits in the only chair in his living room, a throw blanket around his shoulders and a knee pulled up to his chest. Joonmyun hasn’t texted him since Yixing said he’d go to sleep. He probably thinks that Yixing is asleep and doesn’t want to wake him. He rests his chin on his knee and stares at his phone, willing for Joonmyun to text him. Yixing gives up after a good five minutes of staring at the black screen of his phone and sighs, standing up and stretching. He might as well take a shower, and at this point it seems like the last idea available to him.

In theory, a shower might have been a good idea if Yixing’s mind wasn’t a complete mess. As soon as he stepped under the shower head everything that had happened decided to surge out of him. Yixing stands under the water and covers his face as he lets out a pathetic sob. There are so many things that are demanding his attention at one time, so many things that are pulling him each and every way.

If Joonmyun was here Yixing could curl up in bed with him and hide his face in Joonmyun’s side and force all the tears away. Joonmyun would wrap his arms around Yixing and tell him it’s alright, but Joonmyun isn’t here and Yixing is alone. Yixing leans against the wall of the shower, the tiles cool against his heated skin and takes in a shaky breath.

He doesn’t know what to do about Baekhyun, and he’s scared. Terrified, even. What happened was… It was so much that Yixing doesn’t know how to wrap his mind around it. Baekhyun was drunk and upset, but Yixing has been upset for the last God knows how many years and he has never done anything remotely close to what Baekhyun did. He presses his forehead hard against the wall in attempt to get the thoughts out of his mind.

Yixing knows that Baekhyun didn’t mean to hurt or upset him, but he still is. And the worst part about it all is that he knows that he’ll forgive Baekhyun because he still loves him. Even if Baekhyun doesn’t deserve to be forgiven for this.

“God,” Yixing practically whimpers as his tears slide down his cheeks, hot and unstoppable. Maybe it’s time that he got over Baekhyun, maybe it’s time that he took the flowers out of his chest and gave all of his love to Joonmyun. Yixing pushes the hair back on his head as he sniffles. His whole body is shaking again, and he doesn’t know if it’ll ever be able to stop.

The water runs cold as he’s scrubbing his body and forces him to exit the shower sooner than he’d wanted. Yixing has no choice but to put on his clothes from last night. He dries off his hair quickly and leaves it a mess on top of his head as he walks back to his living room to wrap himself in the blanket. Maybe he’ll even go to sleep for a little while.

He wakes his phone to see a message from Joonmyun waiting for him.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**I hope you’re sleeping well! I’ll be home before you know it.**

 

Yixing almost starts crying again as he sets his phone back down and wraps the blanket around his shoulders and sits back in the chair. How does Joonmyun always know what to say. Yixing buries his face in his hands before he can start up again.

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun’s voice comes from behind him, making Yixing jump. He looks back over his shoulder to see Baekhyun standing in the doorway of Yixing’s bedroom. He’s wearing the same clothes Yixing put him to bed in, there’s dark circles under his eyes, probably a lot like Yixing’s own. “I, uh, heard.”

Yixing looks away and nods. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t particularly want to talk to Baekhyun at all. Yixing was hoping that Baekhyun would sleep for hours so he could take a short nap and then escape and sort out his thoughts. He lays his head on the arm of the chair and stares at the black screen of his TV. He doesn’t know if Baekhyun leaves or even moves at all, he just wants to pretend like he’s not there.

He can hear birds twirping outside of his window, the sun will be up any time now. The world outside is all grey and bleak. Baekhyun passes through his line of vision and sits on the floor on the other side of his room. Out of the corner of his eye, Yixing can see him leaning back against the wall, legs crossed and his hands in his lap. Baekhyun leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. Yixing looks away and lets his organs made of lead sink down to the floor and anchor him in his spot. Feeling like this around Baekhyun makes his bones ache. It’s not natural for either of them, but his mind is telling him a billion different things.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun whispers, and it comes out more as a rasp than anything. His voice is rough, but to Yixing’s ears it sounds like nails on a chalkboard; a fork scraping against a plate.

“I’m sorry, too,” Yixing says, picking at the fuzzies on his blanket. He sees Baekhyun lift his head to look at Yixing with a frown on his face. Yixing decides to clarify. “I’m sorry you decided to do what you did.”

Baekhyun’s face falls like he knew it would, but right now he doesn’t really care.

“Yixing– I was stupid and drunk,” Baekhyun starts and Yixing shakes his head.

“You tried to force yourself on me, Baekhyun.”

A beat of silence before Baekhyun says anything again. “I know.”

“You’re my best friend, but what you did,” Yixing inhales slowly and hugs the blanket to himself. He hasn’t looked at Baekhyun properly since he stumbled into Yixing’s apartment a few hours ago. “I don’t _trust_ you. And that’s really fucked, because I’ve always trusted you more than everyone.”

“I’ve never been sorrier about anything in my life, Yixing.” Baekhyun sounds like he’s on the verge of tears. Yixing still can’t get himself to care all that much. “I love you, so much, and I’m so sorry. I’ll say sorry until I can’t talk anymore.”

Yixing feels his eyes sting and his resolve crumbling, just like he knew it would. He’s still hurt, though, and he can’t let himself give in.

“Baekhyun, I don’t want to talk about this.”

Another beat of silence.

“Are you going to tell Joonmyun?” Baekhyun asks and Yixing’s chest tightens. He hadn’t thought about it. What would happen if he told Joonmyun? Joonmyun might hate Baekhyun, which Yixing doesn’t think that’s all that dramatic. He doesn’t want anything to happen to the three of them, despite everything Yixing has only ever felt truly whole when he’s with them both.

“I don’t know,” Yixing sighs out, it’s as good of an answer as he can give right now. Hiding things from Joonmyun is the last thing he wants. Hiding this from Joonmyun may be a necessary evil if he wants things to go back to normal any time soon. He can’t even convince himself that it’s a good idea, though.

Yixing sees Baekhyun stand up and the route that he takes to avoid being too close breaks Yixing’s heart into a million pieces. This was never supposed to be their friendship. Baekhyun was never supposed to break Yixing’s trust, either.

“Text me when you want. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I’m still here if you need me,” Baekhyun says as he holds onto the doorknob, hesitating for a moment. “Yeah, alright. See you, Yixing.”

Yixing stays quiet as Baekhyun walks out his front door. His chest is aching more now than ever, and the flowers feel like they’re smoldering in his lungs. Burning him from the inside out. When Yixing exhales he swears he can see smoke billowing out of his mouth. He brings his hands up to his face and lets out a pathetic sob as he lays his head back into the chair. It’s not the first time he’s cried himself to sleep and it probably won’t be the last.

 

_WOMAN DIES AFTER HAVING FLOWERS REMOVED FROM HER LUNGS._

_MYSTERIOUS FLOWERS CAUSE DEATH IN YOUNG TEEN._

_MAN SUFFERS FROM HALLUCINATIONS AFTER FLOWERS REMOVED FROM LUNGS._

_MAN DIES DURING SURGERY TO HAVE FLOWERS REMOVED FROM CHEST._

_MORTALITY RATE OF SURGERIES TO CURE HANAHAKI DISEASE DRASTICALLY INCREASE._

_NOT ENOUGH TRAINED DOCTORS FOR HANAHAKI SURGERY._

Yixing slams his laptop shut and throws a pillow over it after scrolling through news headlines for only five minutes. The amount of deaths after and during surgery for this is staggering. He’ll die either way, but he’s not about to lessen his time with Joonmyun. Yixing couldn’t do that to him.

His phone buzzes in his lap and he looks down to see a new text from Joonmyun.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Are you doing okay? I can feel your vibes from across the world.**

 

Yixing sighs to himself and picks up his phone to reply. Always right on time.

 

**To: Joonmyun-ah**

**I’m okay don’t worry. Also I think you’re just making stuff up. You just wanted a reason to text me and you definitely could’ve just said that you missed me.**

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**My vibes are 100% real. I do miss you, but I still think you’re sad about something.**

**To: Joonmyun-ah**

**Don’t worry so much. Call me.**

His phone buzzes a few seconds later and Yixing answers it immediately. He lays back in his bed as the call connects and nearly forgets about all the stuff he just read.

“Hey,” Joonmyun says, his voice soft as it wraps around Yixing’s whole being.

“Hi,” Yixing says back with a smile. “I miss you.”

Yixing can tell that Joonmyun wants to ask what’s wrong, but he’s holding back. Yixing’s grateful for it, because he really doesn’t want to talk about anything that happened the last week. The lack of contact with Baekhyun isn’t something uncommon, the circumstances are what makes it weird. If nothing had happened, Baekhyun would be here with Yixing putting himself back together piece by piece as Yixing glued the broken pieces back together with comfort. Now he can only imagine that Baekhyun is laying in his bed, alone and sad, not even trying to piece himself back together. He wants to care, he wants things to be different so desperately.

He knows that he can’t go on like this forever, that eventually he’ll have to talk to Baekhyun and figure things out, but right now he just wants to be by himself. He just wants to talk to Joonmyun and feel safe.

“Can I ask you something?” Joonmyun says and Yixing hums, telling him to go ahead. “Is everything okay with Baekhyun?”

“Why?”

“He texted me the other day and he seemed about as sad as you are.”

“What did he say?” Yixing sits up and his head is suddenly pounding. Joonmyun is not off limits to Baekhyun, Yixing doesn’t have some sort of dibs. But, Joonmyun is Yixing’s safe haven, Baekhyun has no right to disturb that, especially after what happened.

“He just said he missed me and he hoped I was having fun,” he hesitates a moment before continuing. “He also said that he was sorry for not being there when I left, but I feel like it’s about something else.”

Yixing presses the heel of his palm into his eye, pushing back the tears and the sudden headache. He knows Baekhyun is sorry, but this isn’t up to him.

“Yixing?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m here,” Yixing sighs out. He knows that Joonmyun can hear the pain in his voice. “I don’t know what it was about.”

Lying to Joonmyun makes Yixing feel like he’s been eating gravel for the last week and a half. He hears Joonmyun sigh through the phone and it hurts Yixing even more. There’s too much collateral damage. Joonmyun drops it after that, and Yixing feels equally as guilty as he does relieved. He listens to Joonmyun tell him about how classes have been and how he is getting more used to being so far away. Yixing tells him he doesn’t have anything new to share so he’s let off the hook this time and Joonmyun would probably kill him if he knew that Yixing had skipped classes that week. He promises that next time he’ll give Joonmyun some sort of news, per Joonmyun’s request.

Joonmyun ends up falling asleep while they’re still on the phone, and Yixing wouldn’t say he’s grateful, but the guilt of lying to him is weighing down on him more and more by the passing second. He lays in his bed, not wanting to go to classes or anything, the idea of dropping out sounds tempting. Yixing buries his face in his pillow and sighs heavily, dreading doing anything other than this. His phone buzzes next to him, signaling a call and he frowns to himself. When he looks over Baekhyun’s name shows on the screen.

Yixing stares at his phone for a few moments before grabbing it and answering Baekhyun’s call.

“Hello,” Yixing says and he thinks he hears Baekhyun sigh in relief. Yixing sits up, sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed, his free hand picking at his blanket below him.

“Hey,” Baekhyun practically breathes out. He pauses a moment before continuing. “You didn’t go to any of your classes this week, I got worried.”

“We don’t have any classes together.”

“I know, but people asked me where you were.”

Yixing swallows around the lump in his throat, of course people would ask Baekhyun where he is. They’re best friends– were best friends? –and Baekhyun would know before anyone else would. He was their best guess.

“Oh, I just didn’t feel well,” Yixing says, and doesn’t quite know why. It’s not like Baekhyun doesn’t know the real reason.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

Baekhyun is acting awkward, which has never happened in all the years that Yixing has known him. Yixing know that he’s trying not to overstep anything, and as grateful as he is for it, this isn’t them. Yixing needs to change something before he goes crazy. It’s only been a week and he’s already getting separation anxiety.

“Do you want to meet me for coffee?” Yixing asks, surprising himself. The noise Baekhyun makes on the other end of the call is about how Yixing feels asking the question.

“What?”

“Baekhyun,” Yixing sighs and Baekhyun splutters, Yixing can practically see him waving his hands in the air trying to go back and fix what he said.

“Wait, sorry. That would be great. Right now?”

“Yeah, sure. The one you, me, and Joonmyun went to,” Yixing says as he moves to climb off his bed. “See you in ten.”

“See you.”

Yixing hangs up before saying anything else and tosses his phone on his bed. Maybe this will be what he needs to stop freaking out about it. He is tired of the loop of feeling guilty and being upset. He has no reason to feel guilty, and he knows that, but his brain won’t stop. He slips his shoes on and throws his coat on before he can talk himself out of going at all.

When he steps inside the small coffee shop, Baekhyun is already waiting for him by the window where Joonmyun told them he’d be going to England. He hasn’t noticed Yixing yet, but Yixing sees the two cups sitting on the table and Baekhyun’s hands fiddling nervously in front of him. Yixing closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before walking towards Baekhyun and sitting across from him. It hurts Yixing’s heart when the look Baekhyun has on his face is a mixture of shock and relief.

“I didn’t know if you’d really come,” Baekhyun says as he wraps his hands around his cup of black coffee. Baekhyun _hates_ coffee, and Yixing thought Baekhyun would’ve died before he drank it black. Absolutely everything is hurting him at this point. “I ordered you a latte.”

The dark circles under Baekhyun’s eyes are worse than Yixing’s have ever been, he’s breaking out on his cheeks and his hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in days. He’s taking everything a lot worse than Yixing previously assumed. Yixing mirrors Baekhyun’s hands on his own cup of warm coffee so he doesn’t reach out and touch Baekhyun like he normally would.

“I’m the one who asked.” Yixing looks down at his coffee and watches the steam curl into the air and disappear. He remembers vaguely having a thought about wanting his feelings to disappear into nothing like the steam a few years ago. When he looks back at Baekhyun he notices that his eyes are red rimmed and swollen as well. He still wishes the same.

“I know, I just– I’d understand if you didn’t want to actually come.” Baekhyun shrugs and Yixing nods, pulling his lips inside his mouth. At this point they’re both avoiding the worst, and though it’s what Yixing does best, Baekhyun doesn’t really do that, ever. Baekhyun’s fingers trace around the rim of his cup of coffee before he takes a drink and scrunches up his nose at the bitterness.

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”

Baekhyun winces a little at the tone of Yixing’s voice and nods again. It was harsher than he intended. Just as Yixing is about to speak, Baekhyun pulls his hands away from his cup and takes in a deep breath.

“Yixing, I can’t do this,” he says, and his voice is wavering in Yixing’s ears making his heart break bit by bit. “You’re my best friend, and I can’t be me without you. I fucked up so bad, I know, but I just– I need you, Yixing. I don’t think you understand.”

The flowers in Yixing’s chest grow and shift, taking up space meant for oxygen. Now more than ever he wants to reach out and grab Baekhyun’s hand and tell him that he’s here that he loves him. Always. He stops himself instead. He understands more than Baekhyun will ever know.

Baekhyun presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and lets out a half sob. Yixing swallows around the lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry a million times over, and I know that saying it won’t change anything that happened, but I never would hurt you in my life. I would never, ever do anything to hurt you, Yixing.”

“Do you realize how much you’ve hurt me since we’ve been in uni?” Yixing asks without thinking about it. But now that it’s out, he can’t take the question back, so he keeps going. “Baekhyun, you abandon me every time you get a new boyfriend. Do you realize that? You treat me like I’m something to throw away and then you come to my apartment and try to use me to make yourself feel better. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to be pushed to the bottom of the priority list when you’ve only ever put everyone before yourself?”

Yixing feels the hot tears run down his face, he doesn’t even know when he started crying. Baekhyun looks at him, his lips parted and hurt written all over his face. He deserves it.

“Baekhyun, I can’t–“

“No, please,” Baekhyun says quickly, he sounds almost panicked. “Don’t say you can’t do this. Please. I’ll change.”

“You’re not going to change.”

“I love you too much not to.”

Yixing’s phone buzzes on the table in front of him. He glances over to see a message from Joonmyun flash across the screen.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Sorry I fell asleep. I hope you’re making good choices! Have a good day!**

 

Yixing wants to laugh, and he almost does. He almost lets the most hysterical laugh out because everything that’s happening is so ridiculous. He reaches over and locks his phone instead.

Baekhyun is staring at him, looking beyond sad and lost. Yixing feels just as lost as he looks. He sighs to himself and rubs his hands on his face before talking again.

“You know I love you, too. But, you really need to think about who you have become and how you treat your friends who care about, you know?”

“I know now. I’m sorry, Yixing. I’m so sorry.” Yixing sees Baekhyun’s hand reach out before pulling back into his lap under the table. It’s probably for the best.

“Sorry isn’t going to fix everything,” Yixing says and Baekhyun nods, wiping away the tears on his cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “Have you slept?”

“Not really.” Baekhyun shakes his head and it’s like Yixing’s question reminds him of his coffee. He takes another drink, making the same face he did earlier. “I couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t go to classes, either. I couldn’t leave my apartment without feeling terrible.”

“Then how’d you know I didn’t go to classes?”

“Someone in one of your classes did ask me where you were, while also asking where I was.”

Yixing nods and takes a drink of his coffee, looking out the window and wishing that Joonmyun was there so he wouldn’t feel so scared about the choice he made. Really, it wasn’t much of a choice. He always knew that he’d let Baekhyun back into his life, he just needed time. Yixing doesn’t know if it was enough time, or if he said the right things, but it felt like it was now or never, and he couldn’t risk that.

They’ve had plenty of fights, but it’s never been like this. He keeps thinking that, it’s never been like this. Maybe this was supposed to happen, so Yixing stopped getting hurt so much. Joonmyun says he deserves happiness and maybe that’s what he’s trying to do, unconsciously.

“I feel like my chest is going to explode,” Baekhyun mutters. “I have so much to say and I don’t know how to get anything other than I’m sorry out. It’s weird.”

“This whole situation is weird,” Yixing says as he rubs his hand on his chest. It feels like the flowers are reacting to his own touch. They push forward against his lungs, nearly knocking the wind out of him. His chest might explode, too.

Baekhyun nods and looks down at his shaking hands. “Yeah.”

“I should go,” Yixing says as he takes one last drink of his coffee. Baekhyun looks up at him with worried eyes; it looks like he’s about to beg Yixing to stay. “We’ll talk again soon. This is going to take time, so just– Get some sleep, so you can have a clear head.”

Baekhyun closes his mouth and nods, holding his hands on his cup. His knuckles are white. Yixing slips out of the booth and waves as he walks away. He doesn’t look back at the coffee shop until he’s about to cross the street. He sees Baekhyun sitting in the same place, his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking. Yixing looks away before Baekhyun can see him and walks back home quickly.

He hopes he’s made the right decision. He doesn’t think that the flowers will let him make any other choice, though.

 

Getting back into his routine after a week of sleepless nights and stressful days is Yixing’s worst enemy. He wants to keep staying home and skipping classes, just because he fell into the habit. He doesn’t even know if Baekhyun is going to his classes, but that doesn’t really matter. It shouldn’t matter. Joonmyun kept asking how his classes were going and Yixing couldn’t keep changing the subject and telling him that nothing interesting had happened. He finally told Joonmyun that he hadn’t gone to class, expecting Joonmyun to be upset with him.

“Yixing,” Joonmyun asks, his voice gentle in Yixing’s ear as he lays in his bed. “Why on Earth would I be mad at you for not going to class?”

Yixing shrugs, even though he knows Joonmyun can’t see it and sighs a little. “I don’t know. It was irresponsible and it’s not going to help me get better.”

“I want you to be happy and if that means you miss a week of class, then whatever. I care about your wellbeing, not your attendance.”

Yixing smiles softly and buries himself deeper into his pillow. Joonmyun must be from some different planet, there’s no way someone this good could ever be a human.

“I’m going to class this week,” Yixing says after his heart has stopped acting like a fool because of Joonmyun’s kindness. “I promise.”

“I support you.”

Joonmyun always showers Yixing with compliments and support and outright love, and Yixing never knows what to do with it or how to react in the proper way. He feels like he’s on top of the world, but at the same time he tries to keep it all bundled inside of him, just so he doesn’t lose the feeling. Mostly so he doesn’t embarrass himself.

He reaches up and touches the small mole just under his lip as Joonmyun talks about one of his classes. Yixing still has no clue who it’s for, but he knows they don’t go away. It’s small enough that no one really seems to notice, he doesn’t want the third degree from anyone. If Yixing is being honest, he’s scared for it to be for Joonmyun. What if it is? What would happen to the flowers in his chest? How could he be in love with two people at once?

Yixing places his hand on his chest just as the petals flutter against the walls of his lungs. It has to be another mole for Baekhyun. He doesn’t even know how long it was there for. He never checked his body for new moles because he always knew that he was in love with Baekhyun and no one else. But now Joonmyun is here and there’s just something about him.

“Yixing, are you awake?” Joonmyun whispers and makes Yixing startle a little bit.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m awake,” Yixing says and rubs his eyes, he didn’t even realize he had started to doze off while lost in his thoughts.

“Why don’t you go to sleep? I’ll talk to you when you wake up.”

“I miss you,” Yixing practically whines and Joonmyun’s soft laughter fills his ears.

“I miss you more.” Yixing can hear the smile in Joonmyun’s voice, and it makes him feel warm from the inside out. “There’s only four more months till I’m home.”

“Four excruciatingly long months.”

“Go to sleep,” Joonmyun attempts at scolding him, but Yixing can hear the fondness in his voice.

“Yes, sir,” Yixing says firmly and Joonmyun laughs. Yixing can’t help but smile at the sound. “Goodnight, Joonmyun-ah. Have a good rest of your day.”

“Goodnight, Yixing.” Yixing feels like Joonmyun wants to say more, and it makes him panic a little bit. Instead Joonmyun hangs up and Yixing’s phone beeps into his ear, signaling the call has ended. He doesn’t want to think about that word, so he closes his eyes and forces himself to sleep. He has a morning class tomorrow, anyway.

 

Baekhyun’s hair is back to black, Yixing notices as he sits across from the younger at the coffee shop. He looks cleaner, this time, but there are still pronounced dark circles under his eyes. He doesn’t have black coffee this time, though. He’s back to his hot chocolate, which makes Yixing feel a little bit better.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says, sounding almost relieved. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay.” Yixing plays with the napkin on the table in front of him. “Classes are just stressful.”

Baekhyun hums and nods, taking a drink of his hot chocolate and looks out the window. Yixing still doesn’t know what to say to Baekhyun after meeting him like this three times. He wants everything to disappear so things can go back to normal. He’s had enough of seeing Baekhyun wallow in sadness and regret, because now it’s starting to get to him as well. At the same time, he knows that he can’t just make how he feels go away, as much as he wants to.

Yixing takes a drink of his coffee and watches people walk into the café, one by one. No one he knows comes in, so he makes up stories about their lives in his head as an almost forced silence falls between him and Baekhyun. Just as an older man walks in and Yixing is about to make up a story, Baekhyun’s voice cuts into his thoughts.

“A sailor,” he says before he clears his throat and glances over at Yixing. “He could be a sailor. He found out his wife is in love with his brother last night, and now he’s nursing the hangover he gave himself.”

Yixing smiles at Baekhyun and across the room, the old man laughs at something the barista says to him. “He’s a singer. He goes to fancy bars and restaurants and croon on the stage as the couples out to eat whisper to each other. He has a lover and their parents never approved, so they meet secretly at this café every day and have for the last thirty years.”

“Awfully romantic of you,” Baekhyun smiles as he tilts his head a little to the side. The glint in his eye is almost a relief to Yixing. He’s acting more like Baekhyun, and it makes this less awkward.

“Awfully dark of you,” Yixing counters and Baekhyun just shrugs.

Ten minutes later the bell rings over the door across the café from Yixing and Baekhyun and they both look up to see an older woman walk through the door. She’s awfully dressed up for a café, Yixing thinks. He looks over to where the old man sat at a table in the corner and notices he’s half standing up, watching the woman as well.

“No way, I was right,” Yixing says as he points over to the man so Baekhyun can see. “At least partially right.”

“There is no way to tell that you’re even remotely right, hyung,” Baekhyun huffs. The two of them pretend to drink, as they watch the woman walk over to the man, her small purse hanging from the crook in her elbow and hands clasped in front of her. The man stands up the rest of the way once she gets closer and reaches out to grab her hand.

“Oh, my God,” Baekhyun mutters as the man brings the woman’s hand up to his mouth and places a kiss on the back of her hand. “I haven’t seen anyone do that in years.”

The woman’s demeanor seems to melt as soon as the man touches her hand and a soft smile spreads across her face. Yixing holds his cup in front of his face to hide his smile as the man pulls out a chair for her and then pushes her in.

“I think I’m totally right.” Yixing shakes his head and sets his cup down to see Baekhyun still watching them. He’s looks mesmerized by them. Baekhyun sighs softly and turns back to Yixing with a smile.

“I want to love someone as much as that man loves that woman,” he says and takes a drink of his hot chocolate. “You can tell he’d do anything for her just by the way he looked at her. He’d move mountains for her.”

Yixing nods in agreement, but he had been looking at the woman. She seemed to love the man so much she didn’t even know how to compose herself. She would do anything for him, too. Yixing wants to believe that she would leave everything behind for the man if it ever came to it, despite how she presented herself.

It was all so romantic and it had Yixing’s mind spinning, making him dizzy. He looks over to Baekhyun, who’s looking out the window, distracted. If things could go like this every time they meet up, they’ll be back to normal in no time. He knows that he loves Baekhyun, he knows that this is fixable. Yixing’s phone buzzes on the table and Baekhyun startles a bit and tries to avoid teasing by brushing it off with an embarrassed laugh.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**Eat something! I’m going back to sleep!**

 

Yixing can’t help the smile that covers his face. He thinks he might like Joonmyun a little bit more than he’s letting himself believe, too. That’s a whole other situation he has to sort out, though.

“Joonmyun?” Baekhyun asks and Yixing locks his phone as he looks up at the younger. He can’t read the expression on Baekhyun’s face and it’s frustrating, to say the least.

“Yeah, he must’ve woke up for some reason and just told me to eat,” Yixing says and Baekhyun nods. “We could go get some stall food?”

Baekhyun’s head whips around so fast Yixing thinks he might have given himself whiplash. “What? Really?”

“Yeah, why not? My treat.”

Baekhyun smiles so big that Yixing is blinded. He feels a flower bloom in his chest, and he’s almost okay with it.

 

It takes Yixing nearly a month to feel comfortable enough to let Baekhyun come over again. Up until now they have been meeting at their usual place in the café, people watching and trying to go back to normal. It’s nice spending time with Baekhyun again, just them with no distractions other than classes. Yixing feels like he can finally relax again and doesn’t feel the need to move away from Baekhyun. Things are getting better; slowly.

Yixing can tell that Baekhyun is itching to reach out and touch Yixing, just like they normally would, but he’s holding himself back. It’s probably for the best. Yixing can’t lie to himself either and say that he doesn’t miss being close with Baekhyun like that, but he has to remind himself that it really is for the best. For now.

Baekhyun sits on the edge of Yixing’s coffee table and Yixing groans inwardly, but it’s either that or the floor, since Yixing is sitting in the only other chair in the living room that was barely ever used before.

“Are you ever going to get a new couch?” Baekhyun asks as he fiddles with the hole in the knee of his pants. When he looks over to Yixing, the hood on his head covers part of his face and pushes his hair in his eyes. Yixing has to physically force himself not to smile at him.

“Maybe when I move off campus, wherever that will be to. There’s no point now,” Yixing shrugs as he watches Baekhyun tear a piece of fabric on his jeans off. “It would’ve made sense to get a new one right after you broke it.”

“Excuse me,” Baekhyun gasps and looks at Yixing, offended. “I didn’t break it, _you_ broke it.”

Yixing rolls his eyes and lets out a small chuckle, “I’ll never win this argument, but my poor couch knows the truth.”

Yixing looks up from Baekhyun’s hands and sees a smile spread across Baekhyun’s face, and Yixing swears it lights up his whole apartment. The dumb twinkle in his eyes and everything.

“Shut up,” Yixing huffs and looks away, staying away from dangerous territory.

“I didn’t say anything.” Baekhyun sticks out his lower lip and all Yixing can think about is kissing him, which is stupid because he has Joonmyun and stupid because it’s the last thing he should be thinking about even if he didn’t have Joonmyun. Yixing is the biggest idiot, but that’s not news.

 _“I think that everyone is a little bit in love with Baekhyun,”_ Joonmyun says in the back of his mind, making Yixing’s stomach stir. _“Including me.”_

Yixing sighs to himself and gets up from the chair, stretching and trying his best not to look at Baekhyun more than he should.

“It’s weird,” Baekhyun says suddenly, making Yixing raise his eyebrows at the younger. “Not having anyone to talk to about, like, anything.”

Yixing lets his hands fall to his sides and Baekhyun focuses on his hands dangling between his knees as they play with a piece of string from his pants.

“Every time I had relationship problems, or any problems at all, I always went to you. You always knew what to say to make me feel better. Now I’m just stuck.” Baekhyun takes in a deep breath and breaks the string in two. “I don’t know how to put myself back together or put us back together. I’m in a slump and I’m scared that I’m going to be stuck in it forever because I’m fucking clueless.”

“Baekhyun,” Yixing says softly as he sits back down slowly, he wants to reach out and put his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder, something to make him feel okay. He swallows thickly and sticks his hands between his thighs instead.

“So many things happened since that night, I realized so many things and I can’t do a damn thing about any of them because I don’t know how. I don’t know how to deal with all of this shit, Yixing.”

Yixing resolve melts into a puddle when he sees a tear slide down Baekhyun’s cheek. He doesn’t attempt to stop himself from reaching out and touching Baekhyun’s shoulder, squeezing gently. Baekhyun leans into it and before Yixing can stop himself he’s pulling Baekhyun into his chest, the younger kneeling on the floor in front of him, crying into Yixing’s chest. Yixing rubs his back slowly and lets Baekhyun cry.

“I’m so scared, Yixing.”

“Shh,” Yixing says as Baekhyun’s arms wrap around his middle. Yixing rests his cheek on top of Baekhyun’s head and waits for him to calm down.

Yixing knows that he and Baekhyun will be fine, that Baekhyun will be okay. He knows that sometimes it’s best to get through things on your own. Yixing will have to let Baekhyun figure out how to pick himself back up this one time. Yixing will be there to help mend their relationship when they’re ready to, but as for Baekhyun’s heart break from Jongdae, he’ll have to find another way to cope with that for now.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says as he pulls away from Yixing a few moments later. He wipes the wetness on his face away and takes a deep breath. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to break down on you.”

“It’s okay.” Yixing rubs Baekhyun’s arm one last time before dropping his hands back to his lap. “I’m still here, Baekhyun. You just need to find a way to get over Jongdae without me this time.”

“You’re right.” Baekhyun nods and Yixing lets out a slow breath before standing up again and going to the kitchen. Baekhyun follows a few steps back and sits at the table, as Yixing grabs them both a bottle of water.

Baekhyun leaves a little while later, obviously not wanting to overstay his welcome. Yixing has work to do, anyway, and he misses Joonmyun. Yixing grabs his phone when he gets back to his bedroom and sends him a message, even though he knows that Joonmyun will be asleep for a few more hours.

 

**To: Joonmyun-ah**

**Waaaaake uuuuuuup**

 

He sets his phone down and opens his laptop. Yixing supposes that he’ll attempt to write the paper that’s due in a few days instead of procrastinating it any longer. It’ll pass the time until Joonmyun wakes up.

 

“Have you looked at Baekhyun’s SNS lately?” Joonmyun asks as he takes a bite of a fry as he sits in his dorm bed in England. Yixing frowns a little as he looks up from his book and shakes his head.

“No, why?” He scribbles out a misspelled word and rewrites it before picking up his phone and going to Baekhyun’s profile. “Hey, it’s the guy from the party.”

Yixing scrolls down through a few more posts before he sees another picture of Baekhyun and the guy who let Yixing and Joonmyun use his room last Halloween. There’s only two pictures of them before Baekhyun’s posts stopped for weeks. Yixing knows they stopped because of his and Baekhyun’s situation, and Jongdae breaking up with him as well.

“Yeah, I have no idea how they met each other again after the party,” Joonmyun says as he scrolls through his phone, probably looking at Baekhyun’s profile as well. “I may have stalked his SNS, mostly because I was curious, and the guy is different.”

“Different how?” Yixing asks with a chuckle as he taps on ‘pcy921127’ to redirect to his profile. Now named Park Chanyeol.

“Not a bad different, he’s just– He posted a video of him helping an auntie carry her groceries which I thought was kind of weird.”

Yixing hums to himself and scrolls down on Park Chanyeol’s profile, which is filled with a lot of edited videos of what looks like himself and friends in different locations, mostly local, but Yixing thinks he recognizes New York City in one of them. Yixing’s phone buzzes in his hand, making him jump and Joonmyun chuckles.

“Speak of the devil,” Yixing says as he taps on the message notification from Baekhyun.

 

**From: Baekhyunnie~**

**are u free later?**

 

“Are you guys okay now?” Joonmyun asks and Yixing looks up at him with a small frown. He still hasn’t told Joonmyun what happened, and honestly, he doesn’t know if he will. If it’s even a good idea to tell him the truth. Yixing wants more than anything to go back to normal with Baekhyun, and he’s still worried that if he tells Joonmyun the whole story, Joonmyun will hate Baekhyun and Yixing would be torn between the two people he loves. Yixing knows that Joonmyun would have every right to be mad at Baekhyun, even hate him, but Yixing has suffered through enough. Joonmyun wants him to be happy, and if Yixing has to tell a different version of the truth to be happy, then so be it.

“I think so, yeah.” Yixing shrugs and looks back at his phone before continuing. “It was a decent fight, so it’ll take a little longer for us to go back to normal.”

 

**To: Baekhyunnie~**

**yeah probably, what’s up?**

 

“If he, you know, dates Chanyeol… It’s not going to hurt your relationship, will it?”

“My relationship with you or with Baekhyun?” Yixing rests his chin on his knee as he looks at Joonmyun through the computer screen. Joonmyun shifts a little and Yixing sees him let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping.

“Both I guess,” he shrugs and picks a fry to pieces on his plate. “I mean, you know. Baekhyun kinda has both of our hearts in chains.”

“We don’t know that he’ll date Chanyeol,” Yixing says. “It’ll be okay Joonmyun. We have each other. Baekhyun needs someone to help him cope, because I’m not the one this time.”

Joonmyun nods and chews on his bottom lip as he sets his plate to the side so he stops picking at his food. “Sorry I brought it up. I’m just a little worried. For you mostly.”

Yixing smiles and wishes he could reach out and touch Joonmyun, to comfort him like Joonmyun comforts him every other time. Yixing watches as the older tries to let his thoughts go.

 

**From: Baekhyunnie~**

**could we hang out?**

 

“It’s okay, Joonmyun. I’m okay. I promise.”

Joonmyun gives him a weak smile and Yixing’s longing to touch Joonmyun shoots through the roof. He lets out a slow breath in a weak attempt to calm himself. Even if Baekhyun ends up with Chanyeol, even if Baekhyun gets a mole, even if Chanyeol is his soulmate, Yixing thinks–no he knows that he’ll be okay. His words to comfort Joonmyun aren’t just that, they’re the truth this time. Yixing truly and sincerely believes.

“No more sad stuff, how have classes been?”

 

**To: Baekhyunnie~**

**sure**

 

“I thought you said no more sad stuff,” Yixing sighs dramatically and Joonmyun laughs, bringing light back to Yixing’s room just like that. Joonmyun lets Yixing complain until he has nothing more to complain about and in turn, Yixing listens to what Joonmyun has been doing in England. Only three months until Joonmyun is home in Yixing’s arms.

“God, I can’t wait to kiss you again,” Yixing groans out as Joonmyun settles down in his bed, getting ready to sleep. “It’s been absolute torture.”

Joonmyun laughs and props his head up in the palm of his hand, “I’m right there with you, trust me.”

“Soon,” Yixing says with a firm nod that only makes Joonmyun laugh more. Yixing might be floating, his body could very possibly be floating all the way to England just to be with Joonmyun. “Just three more months.”

 

The days have been cloudy lately, so the sun shining is a nice change for Yixing as he walks down the street towards where Baekhyun asked him to meet up. It’s still cold, but the wind is a little more forgiving as spring nears. He’s not sure what Baekhyun wants, or what he’s up to, but if Yixing is going to be honest, he missed the younger. It hadn’t even been a week since Yixing last saw him, either. He needs to slow his roll, a bit.

The flowers in Yixing’s chest have been acting up lately, and there’s a multitude of reasons why. The fight with Baekhyun, reconciling with Baekhyun, the possibility of Baekhyun and Chanyeol. He doesn’t really want to think about why, he just wants them to go back to being barely noticeable. It was easier that way, when he didn’t have to worry about coughing up petals or choking on stems in public.

Yixing doesn’t exactly know why the flowers nearly went dormant, either. He doesn’t think that his feelings for Baekhyun had ever changed. He has a feeling it has to do with Joonmyun, but he doesn’t want to think about that, either. As far as he knows, he’s still slowly dying because nothing is about to change in his life. Not anything that will benefit him and Baekhyun, at least.

He spots Baekhyun walking out of a bakery, his black hair in his eyes, shining in the winter sunlight. Yixing almost trips over his own feet at the sight. It’s not like he hasn’t seen Baekhyun a billion times before, he’s probably seen Baekhyun more than he’s seen his own reflection, but there’s something about his pitch-black hair that makes him look like a painting. The flowers move in Yixing’s chest as Baekhyun’s laughter carries lightly over the chatter of other people on the sidewalk.

Has he always been this beautiful? He’s definitely always been this beautiful. Yixing clears his throat and lets out a slow breath as he continues to walk towards Baekhyun, the sudden surge of feelings was unnecessary, in all honesty. Yixing is doing his best to not dive back in, because he knows what it means for himself, but God damn it, Baekhyun makes it so hard.

Yixing surprises himself when he doesn’t feel an ounce of hurt when he sees Park Chanyeol trailing behind Baekhyun out of the bakery. Baekhyun seems happy, and of course that makes Yixing happy. There’s no jealousy, there’s no misplaced anger towards unsuspecting Chanyeol. It’s a relief, he truly will be okay for as long as the flowers allow him to be.

“See you soon, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says with a smile and Chanyeol waves goodbye, not even noticing Yixing’s nearing presence. Baekhyun doesn’t seem to either as he looks down at his phone, checking the time and locking it again before pocketing it. When the younger looks up to see Yixing, the bright smile that was on his face as he laughed with Chanyeol returns. He is making it terribly hard for Yixing.

“Hi Baekhyunnie,” Yixing says and he watches Baekhyun dance on his feet, nearly lunging forward to hug Yixing, but he doesn’t. Yixing is starting to wish that he would, already.

“Hi hyung,” Baekhyun practically breathes out, the smile not leaving his face. “Do you wanna go inside? It’s cold out here.”

It’s not the right time for thoughts of kissing Baekhyun to resurface in his mind, but Yixing, apparently, has no control over anything right now. “Sure,” he says, even though he’s pretty sure Baekhyun was leaving.

“You’re awfully happy today,” Yixing points out as they sit in a booth next to the windows, like usual. Baekhyun hums and picks at the banana bread that he took too long deciding if he wanted or not. Yixing watches the path his hands take from the piece of bread to his lips and then back.

“It’s a good day.” Baekhyun shrugs with a grin. “You saw Chanyeol, right?”

Yixing squints at Baekhyun before nodding, “Yeah, why?” Yixing feels like he knows where this is going, but he doesn’t feel the dread he usually does. Even without Joonmyun here to comfort him he doesn’t feel like absolute shit about it.

“Oh, just wondering. He was at that Halloween party, remember? He completely crushed me and everyone else in beer pong.”

“Yeah, he let me take Joonmyun up to his room,” Yixing says as he props his head up in the palm of his hand. Baekhyun raises his eyebrows, and Yixing thinks he sees hurt flash quickly in the younger’s eyes. “Just to lay down,” Yixing rushes to clarify because he doesn’t quite understand why Baekhyun would be upset. He knows that Joonmyun and Yixing have a thing, whatever the thing is. “He was really drunk and I was having to carry him everywhere. We all left like five minutes after Joonmyun laid down.”

Baekhyun just nods in response, ripping off another piece of bread and biting into it. “I ran into him like two or so weeks ago, it was really weird. He was recording something on a really nice camera and he almost walked into the middle of the street when a car was coming, so I grabbed him and pulled him back by his shirt. Now he’s apparently indebted to me for an extended amount of time, which he hasn’t revealed.”

Yixing laughs and thinks about how Joonmyun said that Chanyeol was a little weird a few hours ago. If Baekhyun notices it, he must be kind of out there.

“Are you–” Yixing starts and winces at the way his voice sounds rough and uncertain. Of course he’s curious, but he doesn’t know how to ask without ending up upset. “Do you like him?”

Baekhyun exhales slowly, blowing a quiet raspberry with his lips and pauses before answering. “I don’t know, really. He’s really nice, I think that he likes me. I think I remember him trying to hit on me at the party before Jongdae cut him off.”

Yixing doesn’t miss the strain in Baekhyun’s voice when he says Jongdae’s name, like there’s still bitter feelings sitting in Baekhyun’s gut waiting to explode. There very well may be, but Yixing isn’t going to ask this time.

“Yeah, anyway, he’s really nice. He’s been… Helpful with distracting me and stuff,” Baekhyun shrugs and pushes away the plate with a destroyed piece of bread. Yixing wants to tell Baekhyun not to hurt Chanyeol’s feelings, wants to guide Baekhyun in the right direction, but he has to let Baekhyun be an adult.

“That’s good, Baekhyun. That’s really good, I’m happy for you,” Yixing says instead and Baekhyun stares at him with a look that he can’t decipher. It makes Yixing want to reach out and grab Baekhyun and shake him and make all the stuff he’s not saying spill out on the table between them.

He wants Baekhyun to lay his heart out like he always used to, he wants Baekhyun to be himself, Yixing wants to be himself again.

“I want Joonmyun to come back already,” Baekhyun says out of the blue, Yixing heart aches a little at Joonmyun’s name. “I miss him so much.”

“He misses you, too,” Yixing smiles softly and reaches out to grab Baekhyun’s hand. Everything has to start somewhere and Yixing is tired of waiting out this not-them phase. Baekhyun’s hand freezes under Yixing’s for a split second and Yixing hears him let out a shaky breath. He pulls his bottom lip into his mouth as he laces his fingers with Yixing’s own, Yixing can feel Baekhyun’s hand shaking beneath his. The look that Baekhyun is giving him makes Yixing’s head spin a thousand miles per hour on his shoulders. The younger opens his mouth to say something but decides against it at the last second. Yixing wants to shake him again.

Baekhyun’s behavior is still different, closed off and nervous, like he’s hiding something and Yixing can’t put his finger on it. It’s just out of grasp; each time Yixing thinks that he can reach out and pull it out of Baekhyun, Baekhyun yanks it back another few centimeters. Yixing wonders if they’ll ever be like they were again.

He watches Baekhyun’s fingers slip from his grip as the younger sits back in the booth, staring at him like he doesn’t know what to say. Loving Baekhyun was never easy, and it doesn’t look like it’s about to change any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings;  
> Drinking

The beginning of April brings warmer weather, no more snow lining the streets finally, and a new relationship. Chanyeol had asked Baekhyun out on April Fool’s day, which was an odd choice in Yixing’s opinion. Baekhyun really didn’t believe that Chanyeol was being serious at first, which honestly made sense. Yixing thinks that Chanyeol didn’t actually realize what day it was. Baekhyun had said that after he had gotten upset Chanyeol nearly started crying and Baekhyun realized that Chanyeol meant what he said.

Yixing is grateful he missed the whole mess of a confession, he would’ve gotten a headache with all the miscommunication that had happened in such a short amount of time.

April means just one more month until Joonmyun returns and Yixing feeling whole again.

“I do wish that you could come home before your birthday,” Yixing sighs as he highlights his notes. Joonmyun is sitting on his dorm room bed all the way in England, clicking his pen too quickly as he reads over his paper for the millionth time. Joonmyun looks up from the papers in his lap with a sad smile.

“I know, me too, but I don’t have a choice,” he says as sets down his pen and pulls the laptop closer to him. “It’s just a birthday, and plus I’ll be home a few days afterwards.”

Yixing sighs again, louder and more dramatic this time as he falls over onto his bed. He hears Joonmyun’s soft chuckles and it makes his stomach do flips that would put gymnasts to shame.

All the sudden he’s overwhelmed with everything he feels for Joonmyun, it’s tearing him at the seams as he sits back up now teary eyed and happy. Seeing and hearing Joonmyun through a computer screen is nowhere near as good as touching him is, they don’t even compare. But right now, hearing his laughter, seeing his too wide smile on his ridiculously perfect face is sending Yixing over the moon and all the way past Pluto.

“Oh, Yixing, why are you crying?” Joonmyun asks, urgency and concern in his voice and a frown pulling on his eyebrows. It only makes more tears roll down Yixing’s cheeks as he laughs softly and shakes his head.

“Joonmyun-ah, I’m okay,” he chuckles and wipes away his tears. “You just make me really happy.”

The coo Joonmyun lets out is awful in the best way and it makes Yixing hide his face, Joonmyun’s laughter filling the room once again. There are words on the tips of both their tongues that neither will say, begging to be spilled out and screamed until their throats are raw and aching. Yixing bites his own, forcing them back down because now is not the right time, and both of them know that.

Yixing reaches up and touches the mole beneath his lip, tapping it once as he looks at Joonmyun through the computer screen. Maybe, just maybe.

 

Baekhyun is trying, Yixing can tell, and it means a lot. He doesn’t ever invite Yixing to hang out with him and Chanyeol, which is a relief to Yixing in all sorts of ways, but he doesn’t once stop going to the café with Yixing or going to Yixing’s apartment when Yixing invites him over. He doesn’t ignore Yixing’s calls or texts and isn’t distracted by Chanyeol when they hang out. Maybe people do change. After all, love does crazy things.

Despite all of that, Yixing still gets to see the way Baekhyun feels about Chanyeol, he sees the way Baekhyun gets outright giddy when Yixing asks about him. Baekhyun is a smitten puppy, and Yixing doesn’t doubt that Chanyeol is the same exact way about Baekhyun. Yixing knows that Baekhyun is happy, and that’s all he’s ever wanted for him. He’s going back to being himself and less secretive, Yixing only has Chanyeol to thank for that.

In the few times that Yixing has seen Chanyeol and Baekhyun together, Yixing is reminded of a younger, more hyper and fearless Baekhyun. One who Yixing fell in love with all those years ago. He isn’t jealous of Chanyeol, nor is he upset, but maybe he’s a little sad about it all. Chanyeol gets the Baekhyun that Yixing grew up with, the one who brought him out of his own shell and taught him swear words that neither of them should have known. The one that Yixing kissed for the first time when they were sixteen and dreamt about every night for the rest of the summer.

Yixing is sad about how lucky Chanyeol is because he gets the only thing that Yixing had ever wanted, had ever prayed for and wished upon every shooting star he saw for. Maybe the shooting stars were just jets shooting through the skies and Yixing was destined to find Joonmyun to help him pick himself back up.

Maybe he and Joonmyun were destined to find each other. Maybe everything will turn out okay for them all.

Seven years is a long time to be in love with someone, and Yixing thinks that maybe it’s okay if he lets go. He just doesn’t know how easy letting go will be. He doesn’t know how much the flowers in his chest will let him let go, either.

Occasionally Yixing will end up hanging out with both Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and it’s not that he really minds. Truthfully, Chanyeol is a great guy, he’s nice, and sometimes over excited like a puppy, but he’s good. Good in general, and good for Baekhyun. He has a personality that Yixing never quite could keep up. So much like Baekhyun, it’s almost like he’s watching Baekhyun in a distorted funhouse mirror that makes him super tall. Although Yixing doesn’t mind being around Chanyeol, or Chanyeol in general, some days it’s harder to handle than others.

Some days the pain that Yixing feels down to his core as he watches how completely head over heels the two of them are for each other is a heavy weight to carry. He has to watch what he wishes he had with Baekhyun in front of his own two eyes and has to swallow down the petals that make their way up his throat. It’s hard watching someone you love, love someone else over and over again. It’s a fate that Yixing is still trying to get used to.

Yixing tries his hardest not to think of it that way, because Joonmyun will be home in just a matter of weeks, and the surprise party Yixing has planned is going to make him cry. Before that, though, it’s Baekhyun’s birthday. And quite frankly, Yixing has no idea what Baekhyun is going to do for it.

The bracelet that Baekhyun had given Yixing for his birthday just a few months prior has not left his wrist other than when Yixing was showering or at work. The words ‘Fearless Baekhyunnie’ engraved into the bracelet have left indents on Yixing’s wrist countless times, reminding Yixing that Baekhyun wants him to be okay, as well. Yixing who has no fears. Yixing doesn’t know how he’ll ever be able to give Baekhyun something that meaningful in return.

“I don’t want anything, Yixing,” Baekhyun practically sighs as he picks out the bits of cucumbers from his dish. He’s sitting across from Yixing in their usual spot in the café that doubles as a good restaurant for lunch. They started to order actual food instead of just coffee and sometimes pastries a while ago, they ended up really enjoying the food, so they kept coming back. “I don’t _need_ anything.”

Yixing rolls his eyes and taps his chopsticks on his plate that has a row of gimbap slices. “No one needs presents for their birthday, but it’s about the giving.”

“Okay, Old Saint Nick,” Baekhyun snorts and Yixing wants to throw something at his face. “I wasn’t aware that spring was also the season of giving.”

“You’ve gotten so much snarkier after you started hanging out with Chanyeol,” Yixing shakes his head and picks up a piece of gimbap. “I think he’s a bad influence on your character.”

“Please, you just can’t keep up anymore. Joonmyun hyung is too nice to you and you forgot what it’s like to be teased.” Baekhyun practically shovels a spoonful of bibimbap into his mouth, leaving bits of rice on his chin. “Your age is showing.”

“I’m not even a year older than you, Baekhyun.”

“Close enough.”

Yixing sighs for what feels like the millionth time in the last five minutes. He should have known that Baekhyun wasn’t going to be of any help. He’ll just have to figure this one out on his own and plan a day with Baekhyun so they can celebrate together.

 

The day that Baekhyun wanted was on his actual birthday and what he wanted to do was absolutely nothing but stay at home with Yixing and watch movies all day. Yixing had no complaints, especially not after he came up with the genius idea of making Baekhyun his favorite Chinese dish that Yixing’s grandmother made for them when they were younger. Baekhyun tried to tell Yixing that the food was a better present than the bracelet, but they both know the truth.

Honestly, Yixing was a little surprised when Baekhyun said that he didn’t want to go out on his birthday. Every other year they have always had a big party where Baekhyun was the center of attention and he was showered with love. But he refused this year, no matter how much Yixing pestered him about it. Yixing was just worried that Baekhyun actually did want to go out, but he was staying in for Yixing’s sake.

“It wouldn’t be the same without Joonmyun hyung, anyway.” Baekhyun shrugged as he shuffled through the old movies Yixing had brought over from his apartment. “No birthday party is complete without Joonmyun.”

Yixing chuckled softly and shook his head. Baekhyun was right, it wasn’t the same without Joonmyun. “We’ve had plenty of birthday parties without him, Baekhyun.”

“And were they as good as the ones we’ve had with him?”

“We’ve only celebrated my birthday with him once.”

Baekhyun gives Yixing a point proven look as he finally picks out a movie and puts it in the DVD player. He plops down on his couch next to Yixing and stretches out, hands reaching into the air and his toes curling in his socks over the coffee table.

Halfway through the third movie and the last of the food Yixing feels Baekhyun slump against his shoulder. The younger is snoring lightly and Yixing can’t help but smile. The flowers move in his chest and almost make him cough. Yixing resists the urge to run his fingers through Baekhyun’s soft hair, to kiss the top of his head and cover him up with a blanket. Instead he stays in his place, leaning his head against Baekhyun’s, and finishes the movie before waking him.

When Baekhyun finally does wake up, he excuses himself to the bathroom, giving Yixing the perfect time to get the cake from the fridge and surprise Baekhyun. It’s not much, he knows, but it’s the best he’s got for someone as stubborn as Baekhyun. When Baekhyun walks back into his living-room Yixing starts singing Happy Birthday as loudly as possible until Baekhyun blows out the candle and takes the whipped cream on top of the cake and smears it across Yixing’s cheek.

Yixing laughs loudly and does the same to Baekhyun until both of their faces are covered in whipped cream and the cake looks more like a mess than it does a cake.

As Yixing is finishing his second slice of cake he looks over at Baekhyun. There’s a look on his face that Yixing can’t decipher. It’s like he wants to say something but he’s physically holding himself back.

“I don’t deserve a friend like you,” Baekhyun says. Yixing just shakes his head and picks the whipped cream out of Baekhyun’s hair. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“Baekhyun, don’t get all sappy on me,” Yixing hums and tries to swallow down the petals in his throat. Yixing wants to yell at Baekhyun and make him tell him what he really wants to say.

“This is the best birthday ever.” Baekhyun reaches out for Yixing’s hand who takes it and pulls Baekhyun into a hug, making the younger let out a small gasp and hug him tightly. Yixing missed his best friend. Hugging Baekhyun sends his flower in hyper drive, they push the air from his lungs and force their way up his throat. He swears that vines are wrapping around his lungs and squeezing. Once he pulls away the flowers retract back into his lungs slowly, letting him breathe again.

Yixing said that he was prepared to let go, he was going to tell Joonmyun that he could move on and he was going to hope that the flowers would go away. Yixing really wants to believe himself.

 

Yixing spends the next two and half weeks seeing Baekhyun at least three times a week, if not more. As the month crawls through the days, Baekhyun gets more comfortable with talking about Chanyeol. It only makes Yixing miss Joonmyun that much more. He misses Baekhyun just as much when he’s not there, as well. But he’ll take this over not seeing Baekhyun at all; especially over being disconnected from him completely.

He only can busy himself with studying for a week or so. The last time he has to do finals ever, hopefully, isn’t as bad he expected. The hard classes have fairly simple exams and this time he gets to be amused while Baekhyun complains about his own.

“I don’t know why you’re torturing yourself with going to school for longer than you have to,” Yixing says shaking his head as he helps Baekhyun rewrite his notes for class. “You could be graduating with me and Joonmyun, you know. You have all the credits for your degree and everything.”

“I have more than what I need,” Baekhyun mumbles, more concentrated on trying to sort out his papers across his floor of his room. “I took uni credits in high school as well, remember?” He looks up through his bangs and if Yixing wasn’t already sitting down he would’ve been knocked on his ass. It’s times like these when Yixing is completely caught off guard by how absolutely stunning Baekhyun is and how absolutely stuck he is. There’s never going to be a day where he’s not in love with Baekhyun in some way. As gross and cheesy as it is, he literally takes Yixing’s breath away.

Yixing tears his eyes away from Baekhyun and focuses back on the notes he’s supposed to be rewriting. He nods instead of replying in attempt to calm himself down. It’s not working all that well.

“You guys will survive fine without me,” Baekhyun hums and grabs a stack of papers, tucking them away in an empty folder. “By the way, do you know where you’re going to move to?”

Yixing taps the end of his pen on the paper and chews on his lip before looking up at Baekhyun, who isn’t looking back at him. He doesn’t want to leave Baekhyun, but he has to move off campus.

 

_Joonmyun’s cheeks were flushed. Yixing could just barely tell through the screen of his computer. Every time the older had moved too fast, his body was distorted with pixels. Yixing had buried his face in the pillow in favor of staring at Joonmyun._

_“Yixing? What’s up?” Joonmyun had asked, pulling his computer closer to his face. When Yixing looked over he could see the red on Joonmyun’s cheeks even more clearly. It made his stomach do flips and his head spin and his heart soar all at once. He didn’t want to admit what that meant, though._

_“Nothing,” Yixing had chuckled quietly, shaking his head. “You’re just… You.”_

_Joonmyun had furrowed his eyebrows, making Yixing want to cry because of how cute he looked._

_“It’s not bad. You’re the best.”_

_Joonmyun’s smile had blinded Yixing for a good fifteen seconds. “I’m flattered, Yixing-ah.”_

_Yixing had chuckled again and sighed, propping his head up with the palm of his hand. Joonmyun had mirrored him and it made Yixing roll his eyes playfully._

_“Can I ask you kind of a serious question?” Joonmyun had asked, suddenly, making Yixing’s stomach clench._

_“Of course,” Yixing had said, trying to sound calm when he really felt like he was going to explode from nerves at any second._

_“So, I was thinking, since we’re both graduating, and we’re together…?” Joonmyun’s face had twisted up a little at the choice of his own words. “Would you want to find an apartment to move into together?”_

_Yixing had let out a shaky breath, relieved that it wasn’t something awful, and overwhelmed at what Joonmyun had asked him. “I–”_

_“If you don’t want to, or if it’s too soon–You can say no, it’s okay,” Joonmyun had cut him off to say in a rush. Yixing had waved his hand and shook his head, trying to shush Joonmyun and dismiss the idea that he would ever say no._

_“Joonmyun, be quiet. I would love to.”_

_“Oh,” Joonmyun had breathed out, taking a moment for Yixing’s answer to register in his mind before he broke out into another blinding smile. “Seriously?”_

_“Why wouldn’t I?”_

_“Because I’m messy? I don’t know,” Joonmyun laughed and Yixing wanted to reach out and hold Joonmyun’s face between his hands and just squish._

_“I’ll get over your messiness.”_

_Joonmyun opened his mouth to say something before closing it and visibly exhaling. Yixing didn’t let himself think about what Joonmyun was going to say. Before he could say another word, Joonmyun sent him links of places that he had already found for himself, and maybe with Yixing in mind, as well._

 

“Yeah,” Yixing hums, trying to stay relaxed. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’s about to upset Baekhyun, even when the younger would have no reason to be upset. “Joonmyun and I are going to move into a place in Itaewon. Um, we thought it was the best idea since we’re… You know.”

Baekhyun stays quiet for too long, and Yixing knows that his suspicion about Baekhyun being upset was correct. “That’s really great, Yixing,” he says. Yixing forces himself not to wince at the distant tone in Baekhyun’s voice. He’s probably just upset that they won’t be living within walking distance of each other anymore. Which is fair, Yixing will admit that much.

“Don’t worry, the place is pretty spacious, so you can come visit whenever you want,” Yixing tries, hoping to make Baekhyun a little less hurt. “Joonmyun made sure of it for that exact reason, actually.”

It’s not technically a lie, just a stretch of the truth. They silently agreed to get a bigger place just in case Baekhyun had, well, decided he wanted to be a part of their lives. Yixing doubts that it’ll ever happen, and a two-person relationship can be hard on their own. But, if pigs fly and Baekhyun decides that it’s something that he wants, Yixing isn't about to disagree to having his two-favorite people by his side for the rest of his life.

It was actually the first time that the thought had ever occurred to Yixing. He had never been opposed to having more than one boyfriend, he just never thought that he’d ever have the chance. To him it was always Baekhyun or probably no one. Then Kim Joonmyun entered his life and changed it completely. Joonmyun had been very adamant about being okay with them being a trio, and Yixing couldn’t think of why, if Baekhyun loved both of them, it wouldn’t be an ideal situation. It’s unlikely, but at least he’ll have Joonmyun as a boyfriend and Baekhyun still as his best friend.

Baekhyun mumbles a ‘thanks’ with a small forced smile that makes Yixing’s stomach feel like it’s filled with lead. He knows that his and Joonmyun’s sort of relationship is a touchy subject, and frankly Yixing doesn’t quite like talking about it with Baekhyun for this exact reason. He always closes himself up and Yixing is having a hell of a time figuring out why. After all, he has Chanyeol. It’s not like Yixing took Joonmyun from Baekhyun. Joonmyun came to Yixing.

“My fingers hurt from writing,” Baekhyun mumbles after a while. He had moved from organizing papers to helping Yixing rewrite notes after an awkward silence consumed Yixing for at least five minutes. Yixing sighs out, relieved, and drops the blue pen on the paper in front of him before laying back on the floor.

“Thank God,” Yixing groans. “The callus on my middle finger is getting bigger by the second.”

Baekhyun chuckles lightly and stands up, holding his hand out for Yixing to take. The closed-off-Baekhyun from before is completely gone. Yixing wonders how he can change so quickly, how he can hop from one feeling to another. For as long as he’s know Baekhyun, Yixing still has a hell of a time figuring him out. Yixing takes his hand and pulls himself up with the help of the younger and they agree to get takoyaki from the other side of the campus.

 

As quickly as Yixing decided he hated airports, he decides they’re his favorite thing. The anticipation is killing him as he and Baekhyun wait at the gate for Joonmyun to come out. He’s finally, finally home, after six months. Yixing feels like his skeleton is about to jump out of his skin and run laps around the airport he’s so excited.

Before Joonmyun had left, Yixing was scared that he wouldn’t come back. Now that he thinks about it, it seems like such a silly and selfish thing to think of in the moment. Joonmyun would never leave like that, he cares too much about Yixing and too much about Baekhyun. He cares too much about everyone to do something like that. Joonmyun is something special, and Yixing is the luckiest person on the planet to get to have him. Yixing knows that he––

“Joonmyun hyung!” Baekhyun practically screams in Yixing’s ear and dances on his toes, waiting for Joonmyun to cross the line so they can hug him. There are tears on Yixing’s cheeks immediately as he rushes forward to envelop Joonmyun in a hug. He crushes the breath from both of their lungs as he buries his face in Joonmyun’s neck. He’s sobbing, Joonmyun is sobbing, Baekhyun is laughing and sobbing. They’re a mess in the middle of the airport but Yixing can’t get himself to care.

“I missed you guys so much,” Joonmyun mumbles through his tears into Yixing’s shoulder, just loud enough that Baekhyun can hear him, too. Yixing fists the back of Joonmyun’s jacket and repeats ‘I missed you’ like a mantra into Joonmyun’s neck, just quiet enough that only Joonmyun can hear him. He never wants to let go of Joonmyun. Now that he has him back, he never wants to be without him again. Yixing may be attached, just a little bit, but with someone like Joonmyun, he thinks it may not be such a bad thing.

“Yixing-ah, don’t cry,” Joonmyun laughs softly, but he’s crying too. He pulls away and wipes away Yixing’s tears on his cheeks. Yixing knows that his face is puffed out and his eyes are red rimmed. He probably looks like a disaster, but he has Joonmyun here. Joonmyun smiles at him as he holds Yixing’s face in his hands. “Don’t cry, I’m here.”

“Thank you for coming back,” Yixing mumbles as he leans into Joonmyun’s touch. He feels Baekhyun’s hand on his lower back. If it didn’t look awkward, he’d lean into that too. Yixing lets out a small shaky laugh and takes a deep breath before hugging Joonmyun one last time. Baekhyun deserves a turn too. Watching Baekhyun attach himself to Joonmyun and Joonmyun practically melt into Baekhyun makes Yixing feel things he never even thought of before. Joonmyun loves Baekhyun and Yixing can tell, it’s clear on the older’s face. Yixing’s heart swims in the warmth that’s spreading through his body. He knows there’s nothing better than being with someone you love and care for, and Joonmyun is getting exactly that.

“Hyung, you’re never allowed to leave again,” Baekhyun says as he wipes away his building tears before they fall. Yixing knew that Baekhyun missed Joonmyun, but he didn’t realize just how much he had. All this time he and Baekhyun were practically at arm’s length with each other, Yixing trying to save himself from crashing and Baekhyun trying to pick up his broken pieces off the floor. He never considered that maybe Baekhyun depended on Joonmyun, too. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you more, Baekhyunnie,” Joonmyun smiles as he moves the hair out of Baekhyun’s eyes. Joonmyun truly loves Baekhyun. Yixing never thought that he’d love Joonmyun even more for that. “I don’t plan on leaving anywhere without either of you again, so you don’t have to worry.”

Now it’s Yixing’s turn to melt. He wants to say, ‘me either’ but sticks to a smile.

“Come on,” Yixing says as he grabs both Baekhyun and Joonmyun’s sleeves. “Let’s go to Joonmyun’s so he can settle in and get some rest.”

“I’m not tired,” Joonmyun whines a little, pushing out his bottom lip. Yixing shakes his head fondly and urges the other two to follow him to baggage claim.

Once they climb into Joonmyun’s car, he lets out a yawn and blushes immediately afterwards at the look Yixing and Baekhyun give him. “Okay, maybe I’m a little tired.”

Yixing reaches over and pats Joonmyun’s leg before pulling out of the parking lot of the airport. Joonmyun falls asleep on the way home and he and Baekhyun talk about, well, Joonmyun, mostly. Yixing can’t even express how much he missed the older and how glad he is to have him home. It’s late enough by the time they get back to Joonmyun’s apartment and take all his bags inside that Yixing and Baekhyun don’t have the energy to get up and go home. Joonmyun doesn’t want them to leave, anyway.

“We’ll all cuddle,” Joonmyun mumbles as he crawls into the middle of his bed and climbs under the covers. “It’ll be great. I haven’t had cuddles in a billion years.” Yixing can’t help but to laugh and follow Joonmyun’s lead, climbing onto the bed on Joonmyun’s left. Baekhyun stares at them for a few moments, eyes wide and, oh, right.

“Baekhyun,” Yixing starts, sitting up to look at him. “It’s okay, yeah? I’m fine.” He doesn’t want to do this in front of Joonmyun, he doesn’t want them to be awkward and dance around each other. Joonmyun will worry and that’s the last thing Yixing wants. They’re okay, Yixing needs them to be.

“You’re sure? I don’t want to–”

“I’m positive. Now come on, before this big baby starts complaining that he’s not being cuddled.”

“I’m counting down from three and if you’re not on my right by one, snuggling me, I am calling the Blue House.”

Baekhyun lets out a quiet laugh and crawls into bed on the opposite side of Joonmyun, immediately burying his face into Joonmyun’s shoulder.

“That’s better,” Joonmyun sighs and grabs Yixing’s hand, bringing it up to his mouth to kiss. “Now let’s sleep.”

Yixing can’t fall asleep, though. He lays there shrouded in darkness as Baekhyun clings to Joonmyun, and Joonmyun clings to Yixing. He can’t help but think that this is what their life could be like. Ever since Joonmyun had put the idea in his head, Yixing can’t think of it being any other way. He knows that he will never be complete without Baekhyun in his life as more than a friend. Joonmyun knows that too, maybe not why, but Yixing thinks that he understands. And after seeing Joonmyun hug Baekhyun at the airport, Yixing thinks that Joonmyun won’t be complete without Baekhyun, either. It’s silly, thinking that Baekhyun would ever be both of theirs. After all, he’s always had a hard time sharing.

Yixing looks over to see both of them sleeping soundly, Baekhyun’s lips slightly parted. Joonmyun’s hair, now back to its natural black, is falling over his eyes. Baekhyun has a hand across Joonmyun’s torso, gripping onto the older’s shirt, while Joonmyun is holding onto Yixing’s arm, their legs tangled together under the blanket. Yixing wants to see this every day, he wants to have Baekhyun there and he wants to have Joonmyun there. Maybe it’s because he knows without Baekhyun he’ll die, but right now, he doesn’t want to think about that. He just wants to be here, with them, loving them.

Joonmyun’s hand lets go of Yixing’s, and Yixing almost grabs it again, not wanting to let go, but it falls, a little less than gracefully, on to the side of his face. “Stop thinking,” Joonmyun mumbles as he peeks a sleepy eye open to look over at Yixing. “Go to sleep. We’re not going anywhere.”

Yixing smiles at him, grabbing his hand and kissing it before tucking it between their bodies again and letting his eyes fall closed. Even in his sleep, Joonmyun knows.

 

Truthfully, Yixing wants to forget all about what happened between him and Baekhyun. He wants to forget all of the feelings and the trust that was broken. He just wants to go back to being how they were, comfortable and just them. Joonmyun has other plans. Yixing forgot that he told Joonmyun that he would tell him what happened when he returned from England, but Joonmyun didn’t. Now he’s sitting on the floor of Joonmyun’s apartment, a spoonful of rice hanging in midair right in front of his mouth as Joonmyun asks him to clarify what happened between him and Baekhyun when he was gone.

Yixing sets down the spoon and glances down the hallway where Baekhyun had just disappeared to a few seconds before. He really, _really_ does not want to do this, he doesn’t want to tell Joonmyun and have Baekhyun come back to a disaster area. He doesn’t want to ruin Baekhyun and Joonmyun’s friendship. Yixing just wants to forget.

“Joonmyun,” Yixing starts, wanting to stall as much as he can. Maybe if Baekhyun comes back he won’t have to talk about it. “Can this wait?”

“You don’t want Baekhyun to be here?” Joonmyun asks, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. Of course he doesn’t understand why. “You guys seem fine?”

“That’s not it, we _are_ fine. I just…” Yixing sighs and rubs his hands on his face. “Please?”

Joonmyun stares at him for a moment before nodding. He lets the subject go quickly, and Yixing is grateful because Baekhyun returns with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a smile on his face. If Baekhyun knew what Joonmyun just asked, he’d crumble. Yixing knows that Baekhyun doesn’t want Joonmyun to find out, but he also wants Joonmyun to know the truth. They’re both stuck at a crossroads.

Baekhyun pulls Joonmyun’s attention away from the conversation and starts talking about his classes that he’s planning on taking next year. Joonmyun is the same as Yixing, complaining that Baekhyun should be graduating with them in a few weeks. Baekhyun is himself and dismisses Joonmyun’s pouting with a smile, telling him it’s what he needs to do. That it feels right.

Baekhyun leaves a few hours later, he has month old plans with Chanyeol, and Joonmyun immediately turns back to Yixing once he’s out the door.

“Yixing, I need to know. Something happened, a lot more than what you led me to believe,” Joonmyun says, frowning a bit and Yixing sighs again. Now that there’s no way out of this, it feels like he forgot every word of Korean. Joonmyun keeps staring at him, patient and waiting, just like always. Yixing just doesn’t like it this time.

He knows that he should tell Joonmyun the truth, that it’s the right thing to do. But, is it the right thing for them? Is it worth possibly losing Baekhyun, or even Joonmyun? He doesn’t know how Joonmyun will to react to any of it. Yixing wants more than anything to tell Joonmyun the truth. To tell Joonmyun that Baekhyun hurt him without even touching him. He wants to scream it so it’s all out of his body and he never has to deal with it again.

“We just had a sort of a falling out,” Yixing says, breathing out slowly. His mouth is saying things that are the opposite of what he wants, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. “I told him that how he treated me every time he got a new boyfriend hurt me, even when I pretended it didn’t.” There’s a lump of a lie in Yixing’s throat that he can’t swallow. “I told him that I needed him to change because I couldn’t handle being treated like some throw away friend. That’s all.”

Yixing’s skin prickles as Joonmyun reaches out and grabs his hand from his lap. It’s not even that he lied, it’s that he wanted to tell Joonmyun the whole truth and he couldn’t bring himself to. Yixing doesn’t even know who he’s protecting at this point. It could be any of the three of them. Joonmyun squeezes his hand and the bile in Yixing’s stomach creeps up his throat; the soft smile on Joonmyun’s face makes Yixing feel even worse.

“I’m glad you two are okay,” he says. Joonmyun’s voice is a comfort Yixing doesn’t deserve. Joonmyun pulls Yixing towards him into his chest and Yixing lets himself be hugged even though he doesn’t deserve that either.

“I am too,” Yixing mumbles into the fabric of Joonmyun’s shirt. This not-actually-lying hurts even more than lying. He just wants them all to be happy. A petal comes up Yixing’s throat and sits heavy on his tongue, mocking him.

 

Yixing doesn’t have time to focus on anything else but the party for the rest of the week, thankfully. It helps him take all of the guilt inside him and push it to the side. It may be a temporary fix, but right now he’s thankful for at least that. Joonmyun has no idea that they’re throwing him a birthday party, which makes it even better. He’s mostly busy discussing last minute things with his professors that he couldn’t while he was in England, which leaves Yixing, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol to set up the surprise in Joonmyun’s apartment.

Right now, Joonmyun and Yixing’s separate apartments look almost identical. Littered with packed and empty cardboard boxes alike, preparing them to move into their own place in a few short weeks. Most of Joonmyun’s living room is packed away already, as well as his kitchen stuff, making the immediate area look unlived in. Yixing is more used to it being homey, and messy, but he decides that this is okay, too. It’s a transitional period which Yixing is accepting with open arms.

“Chanyeol, can you hang up this banner?” Baekhyun asks as he holds out the decoration to him. Chanyeol looks at him with a pout but takes it anyway.

“You only like me for my height,” he sighs dramatically, making Baekhyun laugh. Yixing focusses on filling up balloons.

“Yixing, is someone at the club setting up there too?” Baekhyun asks as he walks over to where Yixing is sitting on the couch, leaving Chanyeol to pin up the banner himself. He takes a balloon from Yixing after it’s been filled and ties it. Yixing doesn’t look at his pretty hands.

“Yeah, Kasper and Jieun are there,” Yixing hums before blowing up another balloon. He’s starting to feel light headed and he’s only done four of them. Baekhyun takes a balloon himself to help Yixing instead of just tying them. They only need a few, but Yixing’s lungs can’t seem to take even that.

“Aw man,” Chanyeol whines, making Yixing look over to him. He steps back and looks up at the banner that he hung up, upside down. Yixing and Baekhyun chuckle as he huffs out and reaches up to take it down and flip it right side up. “This is what happens when my boyfriend doesn’t help me.”

“You big cry baby,” Baekhyun retorts, but his shoulders have gone stiff. Yixing doesn’t want to think about what it means, it’s none of his business, anyway. “How is my short ass supposed to help you reach that?”

Chanyeol laughs too loud and all of his one million teeth shine from across the room. Yixing shakes his head and goes back to inflating the last few balloons as Baekhyun goes over to Chanyeol to help him to the best of his abilities. What actually ends up happening is Baekhyun attaching himself to Chanyeol as Chanyeol attempts to shuffle around with a Baekhyun sized leech on his back. It’s cute, Yixing will admit. It reminds him again of Baekhyun when they were younger. Someone that Yixing has never stopped loving. But, he can’t think about that now. He needs to focus on Joonmyun and his birthday party. He’ll be home any minute now.

Five minutes after Chanyeol gets the banner back up, and right side up this time, keys jingle against Joonmyun’s front door. Baekhyun rushes to pick up the cake from the coffee table in the middle of the room while Chanyeol lights it with a lighter from his pocket. Yixing has a party popper in his hand, string at the ready to pull and explode confetti all over Joonmyun’s floor.

As soon as the door swings open, the three of them yell nonsense in unison, Yixing pulling the string triggering a popping noise and Joonmyun yells out, covering his head. He stumbles back into the hallway, tripping over his feet and falling on his butt. Yixing and Baekhyun exchange a look before setting down the cake and going to peek out the door at a wide eyed Joonmyun sitting in the middle of the hallway.

“You… You doing okay?” Chanyeol asks as he peeks over Yixing and Baekhyun from behind them. Joonmyun places a hand on his chest and exhales a deep breath. “Guys, did we give him a heart attack?”

“He would be in pain if he was having a heart attack,” Baekhyun mutters, touching his own chest, mirroring Joonmyun. “His chest would hurt.”

“Myunnie, you okay?” Yixing tries again. He wants to laugh, sort of, but he’s waiting for Joonmyun to actually talk first before he lets that happen.

“Yes?” Joonmyun says, his voice high pitched and squeaky. Baekhyun is the first one to let the flood gates burst open as he barks out a laugh. He slaps his hand over his mouth, trying to muffle the sound, but it doesn’t work all that well. Yixing pulls his lips into his mouth, forcing himself not to join Baekhyun, but ultimately fails, spluttering out a small laugh before giving up completely and laughing with no inhibitions. Chanyeol chuckles uncertainly from behind him as Joonmyun buries his face in his hands, shaking his head.

“Christ, you guys,” Joonmyun laughs into his hands before looking up at Yixing and Baekhyun who are falling into each other, laughing. “I could have died!”

“How hyung?” Baekhyun asks between hiccups of laughter. “Please, this is hysterical. You should’ve seen your face!”

“Baekhyunnie’s right, you looked like someone was shooting at you,” Yixing giggles, wiping tears from under his eyes from laughter.

“I thought someone _was_ shooting at me! What was that? The loudest party popper on earth?”

Yixing holds out his hand for Joonmyun to take and pulls him up to his feet once he does. Joonmyun brushes off his pants and pouts at the three of them in his doorway, his hair falling into his eyes making him look so much younger than he really is. Yixing reaches out to pat his cheek and Joonmyun bites at it, making him pull his hand away with another laugh.

“Happy birthday, hyungie!” Baekhyun yells and grabs Joonmyun by his wrist, pulling him inside his apartment to the cake that was left behind. There’s confetti all over the floor, a little bit on the cake, even. “Even though it’s been a week and a half since your real birthday, we wanted to celebrate with you.”

Chanyeol relights the candle that got blown out when Baekhyun sat down the cake in a rush to see if Joonmyun was alright.

“You guys really didn’t have to,” Joonmyun says, after they’ve sung him a too loud rendition of the Happy Birthday Song. His voice is sheepish and cheeks pink. It’s cute. Yixing wants to pinch them and then kiss them. “You even got my favorite cake.”

“Of course we did, Joonmyun-ah,” Yixing says with a smile reaching out to pat his cheek again. It’s even warm under his touch. So cute. “We didn’t have to, but we wanted to because you deserve it. You’ve been so good to us the past year. We just wanted to show you how much we appreciate you.”

“And we wanted to show you how much we missed you when you were gone, too,” Baekhyun adds as he goes up on his tiptoes. Joonmyun smiles at him and reaches out to grab his hand and squeeze it.

“I’m here because Baekhyun really likes you, Joonmyun-ssi,” Chanyeol says with a smile. Joonmyun laughs and shakes his head.

“Chanyeol, I said you could call me hyung.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, hyung.”

“I’m glad you’re here, too, Chanyeol. You bring the height average up, which is always promising.”

Chanyeol laughs loudly, eyes crinkling, and he swats Baekhyun on the shoulder, making him yell.

“Yah, Park Chanyeol, watch your limbs!”

“Really, thank you guys,” Joonmyun says as he tilts his head a little to the side. Something he does when he’s trying not to get all sappy. Yixing laughs softly and pulls Joonmyun into a hug. Baekhyun immediately hugs him after Yixing lets go, shocking Joonmyun only momentarily before he melts into Baekhyun’s embrace as well.

They let Joonmyun get changed into more casual clothes before they escort him out of his apartment, with a little bit of a hassle from him since he wanted to relax. Baekhyun tells him that they’re taking him to his favorite restaurant, and he’s not allowed to argue since it’s for his birthday. He relents eventually, and climbs into the backseat of Chanyeol’s car, Yixing next to him and Baekhyun up front with Chanyeol.

It takes Joonmyun a total of fifteen minutes to realize that they’re _not_ going to his favorite restaurant and he keeps giving Yixing glances out of the side of his eyes that Yixing is forcibly ignoring. Baekhyun and Chanyeol bicker up front like they’re and old married couple, completely oblivious to the pouting twenty-four-year-old in the backseat. Yixing reaches over and grabs Joonmyun’s hand from his lap to ease some of Joonmyun’s tension, and maybe a little bit of his own. Another five minutes passes, traffic is hell on earth on Friday nights, and Yixing grabs a blindfold from the pocket on the back of Baekhyun’s seat.

“Put it on,” he says as he hands it over to Joonmyun. Baekhyun turns half way around in his seat to look at Joonmyun with bright, mischievous eyes.

“I don’t trust him,” Joonmyun mutters as he squints at Baekhyun, waggling his finger at the younger who cackles in response.

“I’m not even the one telling you to put on the blindfold.” Baekhyun shakes his head in faux disappointment, placing a hand in the middle of his chest dramatically. “I’m hurt, hyung. If there was anyone you shouldn’t trust, it should be the one telling you to put on the blindfold.”

“Hey, now,” Yixing pouts as he reaches over and slips the blindfold over Joonmyun’s head, so it hangs around his neck. “Who ever said this was my idea to begin with?”

“Joonmyun hyung, I wouldn’t trust either of them,” Chanyeol says as he looks to the back seat through the rearview mirror. “They’re both sneaky.”

“As of right now, Chanyeol is the only person I trust in this car. The other two are hardly upstanding citizens.”

Baekhyun and Yixing gasp at the same time, making Joonmyun and Chanyeol snort at them. Yixing reaches over and pulls the blindfold up over Joonmyun’s eyes and fixes his hair that gets bunched up from the elastic band.

“Trust me, you’ll be fine,” Yixing says as he pats Joonmyun’s hand. Joonmyun huffs in response, but doesn’t take off the blindfold, either. Yixing can tell that he’s excited, despite pouting.

After another fifteen minutes, too long for Joonmyun to be wearing a blindfold (according to him), they pull up in front of the same club that Yixing had his birthday party in thanks to Joonmyun and Baekhyun. It helps that Heechul’s family owns the club, and several like it across Seoul, so they can have these parties without breaking the bank too much.

Yixing goes around to the back of the car to open Joonmyun’s door for him and help him climb out of the car without hurting himself. Joonmyun stumbles over his own feet a little anyway, making him fall into Yixing’s chest with an ‘oof’. Yixing steadies him with a chuckle and he rubs Joonmyun’s cheek with his thumb.

“Stop doting on me when I can’t see your face,” Joonmyun whines softly and Yixing steals a kiss that only makes Joonmyun pout more. When he steps back, Yixing sees Baekhyun staring past Chanyeol at them. Baekhyun quickly looks away and laughs at something Chanyeol says. The moment didn’t even last a whole second, but Yixing feels a weird twist in his stomach.

“Alright, come on, Joonmyunnie,” Yixing says, shaking his head to get the weird feeling to go away. He grabs Joonmyun’s hand and follows Chanyeol and Baekhyun, who are also hand in hand, into the club. There’s music playing inside, so Yixing knows that Joonmyun knows they’re most definitely not at his favorite restaurant.

When he takes Joonmyun’s blindfold off, people cheer, just like they did for Yixing at his birthday, except this time the club is filled with more of Joonmyun’s friends than Yixing’s. Joonmyun’s ears turn red at the mass amount of attention. There’s another, nicer, banner hanging here that reads ‘Happy Birthday Myun-ah’, which Joonmyun tells Yixing he wants to keep. Yixing buys Joonmyun’s first birthday beer and Baekhyun and Kasper pressure him to chug it on the spot.

Yixing decides to not drink too much so he can take care of Joonmyun if need be, but Joonmyun ends up not drinking so much either. He’s more into dancing (horribly but cutely) and just being by Yixing’s side. Yixing’s arm is permanently wrapped around Joonmyun’s waist for at least the first hour they’re there.

Joonmyun pulls Yixing into the mass of strangers that have come to the club for reasons other than Joonmyun’s birthday, so they can dance. Yixing is good at leading and Joonmyun is just as good at following, and it makes it easier for the both of them to move in sync.

Joonmyun looks up at Yixing, the flashing colored lights reflect off his dark eyes and his cheeks are red from the heat and the alcohol. Yixing feels lightheaded from looking at him. He’s making Yixing feel too many things at once, and he can’t even begin to express them over the loud music. Yixing does the next best thing and grabs Joonmyun by the jaw gently and kisses him with fervor. He feels Joonmyun’s hot breath exhale against his lips quickly before he’s kissing Yixing back, fisting a hand into the hair on the back of Yixing’s head.

Yixing feels like the club around them has been muted, paused. Everyone around them is suddenly gone, and the bass vibrating the floor is muffled and far away. He noses along Joonmyun’s jaw and kisses just below his ear, Yixing knows that Joonmyun whines. He can feel it under his hand that’s on the base of Joonmyun’s neck. He can feel the heart beating wildly in Joonmyun’s chest.

Yixing opens his eyes momentarily and all he sees is Baekhyun standing at the bar staring at them again, a mouth in a thin line. Chanyeol is next to him, too, taking a shot. Yixing closes his eyes again and bites down on the soft skin of Joonmyun’s neck. The older’s chest vibrates under Yixing’s hand again and the hand in his hair tugs roughly. One of Yixing’s thighs is between Joonmyun’s, just like it’s been since they’ve started dancing, but now there’s too much everything between them.

Yixing opens his eyes again as he pulls away and Baekhyun and Chanyeol are gone from the bar, he glances around quickly and sees Baekhyun pulling a stumbling Chanyeol to the bathrooms. Yixing kisses Joonmyun again, a light peck that Joonmyun looks up from with a smile. Joonmyun grabs Yixing’s hand and pulls him out of the mass of people to the tables and booths on the other side of the club where it’s quieter.

Yixing finds an empty and mostly clean booth and slides in, Joonmyun following. The low hanging light illuminates Joonmyun’s face in a different way than the flashing lights on the dance floor did. It takes Yixing’s breath away, and Yixing doesn’t know if he wants it back if that means he has to get used to seeing Joonmyun look breathtaking.

“Joonmyun,” Yixing says, if they were at home, in bed, Yixing would whisper and it would make this so much better. He grabs Joonmyun’s hand and kisses each of his knuckles slowly. Joonmyun’s ears turn red again. When Yixing doesn’t say anything more, mostly because he’s too distracted by how much Joonmyun makes him feel, Joonmyun speaks up.

“Yixing, you’re so… You’re perfect, you know?” Joonmyun smiles as he reaches out and moves the sweaty hair off Yixing’s forehead. Yixing is far from perfect, but Joonmyun doesn’t think so. Yixing thinks that Joonmyun is perfect.

Yixing’s heart is about to explode out of his chest. He can’t breathe, he might be seeing stars. Maybe they’re just Joonmyun’s eyes shining in the light above their heads. Joonmyun doesn’t say anything more, he just watches Yixing, like he’s the only thing in the world. Maybe they’re the only two in the world right now. Everything around them gets muted again.

“I love you,” Yixing breathes out, and Joonmyun’s lips part, just barely. Yixing heart explodes, all over Joonmyun, taking the flowers in his chest out with it. Saying it for the first time feels so much more different than he’d thought it would. Yixing was so scared to admit it, but now that he has, he doesn’t want to stop. So, he doesn’t. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Joonmyun laughs, and Yixing sees that his eyes are shining with tears. He grabs the sides of Yixing’s face and kisses him. Yixing puts his hands over Joonmyun and smiles against the older’s lips. He doesn’t know the last time he felt like this.

“I love you, too, Yixing,” Joonmyun says against Yixing’s lips and Yixing kisses him again. Loving Joonmyun is easy and painless. Admitting he loved Joonmyun took months, but now that Yixing finally let himself say it he feels weightless. He feels loved back. “I really, really do.”

Joonmyun leans into Yixing once they pull away from their kiss and Yixing’s cheeks hurt from smiling. They could go home right now, Yixing sort of wants to. He wants to go home to Joonmyun’s packed apartment and lay on the bed that will soon be theirs to share.

Yixing looks up and sees Baekhyun and Chanyeol come out of the bathrooms on the other side of the club, Baekhyun’s hair a disheveled mess and lips swollen pink. Chanyeol looked sated and happy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened in that bathroom, but Yixing can’t get himself to mind. Not when Joonmyun is in his arms and he can tell him he loves him whenever he wants.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol find their way to Yixing and Joonmyun and sit in the booth seats opposite of them. Chanyeol throws his arm over Baekhyun’s shoulder, making Baekhyun look incredibly small.

“Did you have a good time, hyung?” Chanyeol asks with a grin on his face. Baekhyun holds Chanyeol’s hand that’s draped over his shoulder and leans into him.

Joonmyun nods, practically radiating all the light in the world in their dark little booth. “The best.” He squeezes Yixing’s hand under the table.

“Are you guys ready to go?” Yixing asks and Chanyeol looks to Baekhyun with his eyebrows raised, waiting for Baekhyun to make the decision for the both of them.

“Yeah, I think so, are you two leaving as well?” Baekhyun asks as he runs his hand through his mussed-up hair. Yixing thinks he might be trying to fix it.

Joonmyun nods for them, reading Yixing’s mind like some sort of superhero. He can’t wait to go to sleep next to Joonmyun. Not loving him for the first time, but feeling loved back for the first time.

The four of them say goodbye to their friends that are still there and leave much like they did in October the previous year. Yixing waves goodbye to Baekhyun and Chanyeol as their taxi drives off and climbs in behind Joonmyun. He’s a little bit tipsier than Yixing is, so Joonmyun lays his head back against the seat as he slumps into Yixing’s side with a smile on his face.

They make it back to Joonmyun’s apartment and climb into his bed, Yixing pulling Joonmyun close to them so his chest is pressed against Joonmyun’s back. He buries his nose into Joonmyun’s hair and falls asleep completely happy for the first time in a long time.

 

It feels as if Yixing blinks and he’s sitting in neat rows with other students, a cap on his head and Joonmyun on the complete other side of the room. He doesn’t know most of these people, but they’re all here because they’ve survived university and are ready to be shoved out into the so called real world. The caps on everyone’s heads obscure his view of the Dean on the stage talking, the robe he’s wearing itches at the back of his neck.

Baekhyun is sitting somewhere in the crowd of people who came to watch the ceremony. Yixing didn’t have time to look around long enough to find out just where he’s at. He doesn’t know if Chanyeol is with him, either.

Yixing blinks again and he’s being handed his diploma and he’s walking off the stage in disbelief. He hears Baekhyun yelling his name through the noise.

He finds Joonmyun first, after everyone has finished talking, and envelops him in a hug. Joonmyun laughs and grabs Yixing’s hand telling him they should find Baekhyun. They do, after having to call him and deciding just to meet back at Baekhyun’s apartment. Baekhyun ambushes them with a bear hug, wrapping his arms around both of them at the same time. Yixing feels alight. Joonmyun and Yixing shed their robes and to celebrate, Baekhyun takes them out for drinks.

 

Yixing drops the last box on the floor before slumping back on Joonmyun’s, now also his, couch that’s pressed against a wall temporarily. Joonmyun follows his lead and sets his box on top of Yixing’s before dragging his feet over to the couch and laying on Yixing. Yixing’s sweaty, Joonmyun’s sweaty, everything is sweaty and humid. Yixing wheezes softly at the weight of Joonmyun pressing down on his chest. He’d wrap his arms around Joonmyun if his arms weren’t made of lead.

“I can’t believe we did it,” Joonmyun says, his voice muffled from his face being pressed into Yixing’s chest. “I think I’m dead.”

“We’re not finished,” Yixing groans as he stares at the white ceiling of their new apartment. “We still have to put everything away.” Someone drops something on the floor in the apartment above them and swears loudly. Joonmyun raises his head, his chin now digging into Yixing’s sternum, and raises his eyebrows. Yixing chuckles softly and shrugs. He wraps his legs around Joonmyun’s thighs to keep him in place and the person above them swears again.

Yixing can see the beads of sweat on Joonmyun’s hairline; he watches one slip down his jaw and disappear into Yixing’s already damp shirt. Joonmyun smiles at him, bright like sunshine and Yixing feels a little bit blinded.

“I think we’ve done enough work for today. We should take a break,” Joonmyun says and Yixing smiles back him. How is he supposed to say no?

“Alright. We can go get something from the convenience store down the road and take a break.”

Yixing knows they probably shouldn’t take a break, Joonmyun starts his new job tomorrow and if they quit now, none of their stuff will ever get put away. His feet are heavy though, and Joonmyun is hard to say no to.

They lay there for another fifteen minutes, not wanting to move. The setting sun that shines through the window just behind Yixing’s head is making Joonmyun glow. It looks like he’s made of honey and gold, and maybe he just might be.

Eventually Joonmyun rolls off Yixing and on to the floor, grumbling to himself and Yixing stands up, holding out his hand for Joonmyun to take and pull himself up. They walk down the stairs and out of their building to the store. The humidity outside is still stifling, but Yixing can’t help but to be close to Joonmyun.

They both decide to get slushies that turn their lips red and blue and it reminds Yixing of when he was younger. When Joonmyun kisses him on their makeshift bed for the night, Yixing wonders if his tongue turns the purple of the flowers that are growing in his lungs or if it’s something prettier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings;
> 
> Drinking.

Yixing thinks that things might easier, but maybe it’s just because he has Joonmyun there too. He still feels the empty space where he knows Baekhyun is supposed to be. He still feels the flowers sitting heavy in his chest when he thinks about Baekhyun for a little bit too long. Yixing wants to think that Joonmyun feels it, too.

Yixing is happy, though. He’s happy because he gets to welcome Joonmyun home from work after a day of planning for the school year to start. He gets to kiss Joonmyun good morning and goodnight. He gets to have Joonmyun and tell him he loves him whenever he wants. He’s just not quite as happy as he could be, but he supposes that he’ll get used to it. Joonmyun gives him more than he could have ever asked for, and that’s more than Yixing ever wanted.

He loves hearing about Joonmyun’s day, which mostly consists of getting coffee for higher ups and stealing glimpses of shots from faraway places. Joonmyun’s favorite is Iceland. Yixing loves when Joonmyun asks him about his work, too, even though he hasn’t started yet. The school year won’t start until mid-August, and that’s when Yixing’s teaching job starts.

Truthfully, he got lucky. He supposes it’s because he can speak two languages, three if he wants to act like being able to ask simple questions in English is being fluent in the language. Yixing didn’t think that he would end up teaching music to elementary students and being able to go to the studio with Kasper every weekend a few years ago, but now he thinks it’s perfect. Kasper, always going above and beyond, is getting hired by entertainment companies and maybe sometimes Yixing thinks he’s jealous of his friend. But, then he’s greeted by a tired and coffee stained Joonmyun, who still smiles at Yixing like he’s the sun, even though he’s exhausted, every evening at 6:30 sharp and he doesn’t ever want to miss one of those nights. When he was young, the only thing Yixing ever wanted to do was dance, much to his parent’s poorly hidden dismay. He thinks that he’ll stick to a middle ground of having fun and being professional at the same time.

Joonmyun, his poor and lovely Joonmyun, got the short end of the stick. Yixing supposes that this is how it’s supposed to go, to have to work up the chain of command. Work hard, work hard, and work harder is always what Yixing says, but he wishes Joonmyun could have his dream outright, too. He’ll get there, once his bosses realize that they’re missing out on Joonmyun’s keen eye for beautiful scenery.

Even though Yixing loves when Joonmyun comes home to him, he wishes that Joonmyun could come home clean and happy, and not stained with coffee and fingers smudged with black ink from pens. One day they both will have the world in their hands.

Tonight is no exception. Joonmyun walks through the door at 6:32, just as Yixing is packing away his plans for the upcoming school year. He’s so anxious he looks over them every day, just to make sure he’s not missing anything. Soon he’ll go to see his classroom for the first time.

Joonmyun sets his briefcase down next to the door, which makes him look so much more like a businessman than he actually is. Yixing stands up from the couch and goes to Joonmyun who’s toeing off his shoes slowly, his eyes half closed. Yixing grabs him by the face gently and kisses him softly. Joonmyun melts into Yixing’s kiss as Yixing loosens his tie and undoes the top few buttons of Joonmyun’s shirt.

“Hi,” Yixing whispers as he breaks the kiss, but not before pecking Joonmyun on the lips once, twice more. Yixing rests his hands on Joonmyun’s chest, who leans into them, humming with a soft smile on his lips.

“Hey, did you have a good day?” Joonmyun asks as he kisses Yixing’s cheek. He noses along Yixing’s cheek bone slowly, peppering kisses along Yixing’s skin. His arms wrap around Yixing’s middle and pulls him close.

“I did. I missed you, though.” Joonmyun’s head has found a home on Yixing’s shoulder, his warm breath ticking Yixing’s neck. “I didn’t see any coffee on you.”

Joonmyun grumbles and pulls away from Yixing to turn around and point at his back. A dark stain splotched on Joonmyun’s right shoulder. Yixing can’t help but laugh. Joonmyun turns around with a pout on his lips and Yixing can’t even stop himself from cooing at his boyfriend and poking at his bottom lip.

“I missed you more,” Joonmyun says as he grabs Yixing’s hand to pull him to the couch, so they can sit down and Joonmyun can rest his feet. “Don’t laugh at me, it’s not nice.”

“It’s a sympathy laugh, promise.”

Joonmyun gives him a look that yells _give me a break_. “There is no such thing.” Yixing laughs again and climbs onto Joonmyun’s lap, his hands resting on the sides of Joonmyun’s neck.

“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you, then?” Yixing asks, thumbs rubbing circles on the skin there. He can feel Joonmyun’s pulse, steady and calm. Joonmyun tilts his head up at Yixing, a small smile on his mouth.

“Hmm, maybe,” Joonmyun says as he slips his hand underneath Yixing’s shirt, his warm hands leaving gold handprints on his sides. “Teacher Zhang needs to learn some manners, so he can be a good role model.”

Yixing rolls his eyes at Joonmyun before kissing him again, nipping at his lips and pushing his fingers through Joonmyun’s short dark hair. “You know,” Yixing says between kisses. “I like when your hair is longer. So I can pull it and hear that pretty voice of yours.”

Joonmyun quirks his eyebrow at Yixing who only smiles back at him and kisses him again, licking into his mouth slowly drawing a hum from deep in Joonmyun’s chest.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Now, about those manners,” Yixing hums as he climbs off Joonmyun’s lap to kneel between his legs on the floor in front of him. He smooths his hands up Joonmyun’s thighs until they reach his belt buckle. “I think I know the perfect way to learn.”

Joonmyun cards his fingers through Yixing’s hair slowly and lifts his hips when Yixing finally gets his belt buckle undone. Yixing takes Joonmyun into his mouth and lets Joonmyun rock his hips until he mutters out Yixing’s name and comes down Yixing’s throat. Joonmyun returns the favor while they’re in the shower later, and Yixing can’t find a single reason not to tell Joonmyun he loves him, so he does. Over and over again until Joonmyun laughs at him and kisses him to get him to shut up.

 

Baekhyun visits Yixing and Joonmyun’s apartment for the first time at the end of July. He knocks on the door, which Baekhyun has never done. Yixing opens the door to reveal a damp Baekhyun holding a box in his hands. Yixing steps aside and lets him in, taking the box into his own hands. Yixing thinks he might have makeup on his face, but he can’t really tell.

“Where’s your umbrella?” Yixing sighs as he sets the box on the table and opens it revealing colored rice cakes. “It’s been raining all week.”

“A little rain never killed anybody,” Baekhyun smiles as he takes one of the rice cakes from the box and bites into it.

“Hey, isn’t that supposed to be for me and Joonmyun?”

“You have plenty. It’s a service fee.”

“That’s not how housewarming gifts work, Baekhyunnie,” Yixing laughs softly. It feels so different, now. Baekhyun is here in his apartment, but it’s not just his apartment, it’s Joonmyun’s too. Of course his old apartment and this new one have different feelings. That one was so lived in and Yixing felt that it was made up of just as much Baekhyun as it was made up of him. This one is Yixing’s organized clutter on tables and Joonmyun’s tornado disorganization everywhere else. It’s less lived in, simply because there hasn’t been enough time to make it feel lived in. It’s equal parts Yixing and Joonmyun and no parts Baekhyun.

Yixing wants it to be easier to change that, he wants it to be equal parts all three of them. He wants Baekhyun to feel okay to come here, and not only show up once in a blue moon. Hell, he would even be okay if Baekhyun brought Chanyeol with him, just so Yixing could still see him.

“It is now, and plus, I’m hungry,” Baekhyun says as he takes another rice cake from the box and stuffs it in his mouth. His cheeks are puffed out like a hamster and his lips are covered in powdered sugar. Yixing wipes it off, out of habit, and Baekhyun stares at him with wide eyes until Yixing catches up that maybe that’s not okay to do anymore.

“I’m glad you came to visit,” Yixing says as he sits down at the kitchen table. Baekhyun leans against the counter across from him. “I missed you a lot, you know. Joonmyun misses you too.”

“Does he?” Baekhyun asks and Yixing frowns at him. Why wouldn’t Joonmyun miss Baekhyun? He loves Baekhyun.

“Of course he does… Baekhyun, why wouldn’t he?” Yixing asks and the look on Baekhyun’s face makes the puzzle pieces fall into place. “Oh, I– Baekhyun he doesn’t…”

“Did you not tell him?” Baekhyun shifts on his feet, looking everywhere but at Yixing and it makes Yixing ache. He just wants to be passed this already. He thought they were.

“No, I did,” Yixing says, his chest tight. “Kind of. I mean, I didn’t tell him everything.”

Baekhyun looks at him with wide eyes and parted lips. Yixing doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not. He doesn’t know if he can handle more guilt on his shoulders.

“You lied to him?” Baekhyun breathes out, his voice sounding shaky, like he might breakdown.

“Not really? Kind of? I don’t know,” Yixing shakes his head and swallows around the lump in his throat. “I just didn’t tell him the whole story. I was afraid…”

“Afraid he’d hate me?”

“Yes. I don’t want him to hate you.” _I want you to be a part of our life._ “He’d have every right to. You know that, right Baekhyun?”

“I know,” Baekhyun whispers out as he looks back down at his socked feet. His hair falls into his eyes and Yixing wishes that his first visit didn’t have to be like this. He thought they were okay, he thought that he had his best friend back. “I deserve it, though. I kind of wanted him to hate me.”

“Baekhyun… Why?”

“To make it easier. Because you aren’t capable of hating me.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets and he’s pulling in on himself. Baekhyun isn’t supposed to do this with Yixing. He’s supposed to be the only person Baekhyun doesn’t pull away from. Yixing takes a deep breath and wishes he had something other than his shirt to grip onto. He doesn’t even know what Baekhyun means by making it easier.

“I want to forget about it, alright?” Yixing swallows and Baekhyun looks over at him with a confused look on his face. “I want us to stop being so awkward and distant. I want my best friend back and I want to forget that anything ever happened. I want things to be normal again.”

“It’s not that easy, Yixing,” Baekhyun says, and Yixing is shocked when he sounds angry. Baekhyun doesn’t have room to be angry about it. It didn’t happen to _him_.

“You don’t think I know that Baekhyun? You’re the one at fault, but I can’t fucking stand you acting like a stranger all the God damn time. I can’t stand not being comfortable around you, I can’t stand it anymore. Don’t you get that?”

“I see your face every time I try to go to sleep, Yixing. I see the way you looked at me, how scared you were. I felt everything you felt, because all of your emotions are so fucking palpable it felt like I couldn’t breathe half of the time. I deserved it, though, I know. I hate myself for it. I hate that every time I close my eyes all I can see is the hurt in your eyes. I hate that no matter how loud I play music all I can hear is you crying like you did that morning in the shower when you thought I was asleep,” Baekhyun’s voice is cracking like he’s going to cry. Yixing can’t do anything but stare at Baekhyun with parted lips. He wanted Baekhyun to feel all these things, to feel guilty for those first weeks. Baekhyun deserved it all, but now he doesn’t want it anymore. Now Yixing wants him to come back. Needs him to come back so he can fill the empty space in his life. “I can’t just make it go away, and I know that you can’t either. I know that every time you see me you remember, because, how couldn’t you? Every time you see me you’ll remember for the rest of your life. Every time I see you being happy with Joonmyun, I’ll remember how absolutely vile I was and how terrified you were.”

Baekhyun is crying, now. Yixing doesn’t know when either of them started crying, honestly. Yixing wishes that things were simple, just this once.

“I don’t, Baekhyun,” Yixing whispers and wipes away the tears on his cheeks. “I don’t see you that way.”

It’s true, he doesn’t see Baekhyun that way. Not when he’s laughing brightly at something someone said. Not when he’s singing to himself when he thinks no one else is listening, his voice cracking because he can’t hit the notes but tries to anyway. Yixing sees his best friend, he sees someone he’s in love with. He sees his Baekhyun.

“Don’t lie to me,” Baekhyun says, his voice rough.

“Why would I ever lie to you?”

Baekhyun presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and takes a shaky breath. Yixing wants to grab him and pull him into his chest, just like he used to. He wants to fix this all so desperately.

“Yixing, I’m so sorry,” Baekhyun chokes out and Yixing does get up this time. He does wrap his arms around Baekhyun and pull him into his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Yixing whispers into Baekhyun’s hair. “I was always going to forgive you.”

“I know, but I don’t deserve it.”

“You do. You do now.”

Baekhyun takes a step back and pats his face dry with his shirt. Yixing watches him, waiting for him to say something, anything to let Yixing know that it’ll be okay. When Baekhyun looks back to Yixing, his eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and now Yixing can tell he’s definitely wearing some makeup on his cheeks, because there are tear streaks on his face. Yixing reaches out and smooths his thumb over each of Baekhyun’s cheeks, fixing his makeup the best he can.

“I should probably go, Chanyeol is waiting for me at his house,” Baekhyun says, looking away from Yixing like he can’t speak about Chanyeol to him. Yixing frowns a little but nods and pats Baekhyun’s cheek gently. “I’ll come back soon, though. I promise.”

“You better keep your promise, Baekhyunnie,” Yixing says as he lets his hand drop from Baekhyun’s face. He follows Baekhyun to the front door and watches as Baekhyun slips on his shoes. He hands Baekhyun an umbrella, who sighs and shakes his head, a small smile on his mouth.

“For you, hyung, of course I’ll keep my promise. Plus, I’ll have to return your umbrella.”

If things were different, if Baekhyun wasn’t dating Chanyeol, if Yixing had talked to Joonmyun about it, he’d kiss Baekhyun now. He’d kiss him and tell him not to leave. Yixing closes the door behind Baekhyun, instead, because this isn’t some crazy reality where Yixing can make a cake and eat it too.

Yixing sits down on the couch and turns on the TV for some kind of background noise as he stares at his plans that are spread across the coffee table.

He doesn’t know when he fell asleep, but now he hears Joonmyun saying his name gently, and a hand is caressing his cheek, coaxing him to wake up. Yixing frowns and rubs at his eyes as he sits up. He feels disoriented and doesn’t know what day it is, honestly.

“What time is it,” he croaks out, wincing at the roughness of his voice. He notices a blanket that’s pooled around his waist and a pillow where his head just was. That wasn’t there when he sat on the couch earlier.

“It’s eight. I didn’t want to disturb you when I got home, so I let you sleep for a little while longer,” Joonmyun explains as he sits down next to Yixing. He’s already in his sweats and one of Yixing’s old shirts. His hand is warm on Yixing’s thigh. The schedules and plans Yixing had laid out over the coffee table are now stacked in a neat pile in the corner and replaced by takeout containers. “They just dropped it off. You’re hungry, right?”

Yixing hums and nods, rubbing at his eyes again. They’re sore and puffy still from crying. And, right, Baekhyun had been over earlier. That had happened. As Joonmyun opens the containers, Yixing pushes himself off the couch. “Pain killers,” Yixing explains when Joonmyun asks where he’s going. He shuffles across their apartment to the bathroom and opens the cabinet to grab some medicine. He grabs a glass of water for himself and a beer for Joonmyun on his way back to the living room and sets them both down on the small space left on the coffee table.

“Baekhyun came over today,” Yixing says as mixes the noodles around, his and Joonmyun’s shoulders rubbing together whenever one of them moves. Joonmyun has one of his knees against his chest, the other one digging into Yixing’s thigh.

“Yeah, you said he called earlier this week and said he was. How’d that go?”

Yixing sighs a little and leans back against the front of the couch. Joonmyun sets down his chopsticks and looks at Yixing, worry sitting heavy in his frown and small pout on his small mouth. Yixing prefers when his mouth is stretched wide in a smile so much more.

“That bad?” Joonmyun asks as he places his hand on Yixing’s knee, rubbing circles with his thumb. “I thought you guys were okay.”

“I thought we were too, he was okay on his birthday, but at your party he started acting weird again.” Yixing shakes his head and leans into Joonmyun’s shoulder. He’s always there to hold Yixing up, even when Yixing doesn’t know he needs it. “We didn’t really fight again, but he feels bad about everything still. I just wanted him to know that I forgave him.”

“Do you think that he has a problem with us?” Joonmyun asks lightly. Yixing chews at his bottom lip and stares at the containers in front of them. Maybe he does, but how on earth is Yixing supposed to know. Baekhyun won’t tell him anything anymore.

“I don’t see why he would, he has Chanyeol. Chanyeol makes him happy,” Yixing shakes his head. His stomach is in knots and he doesn’t know if he wants to eat anymore. “Baekhyun is crazy happy when he’s with Chanyeol.”

Joonmyun laces their fingers together and squeezes Yixing’s hand gently. “He is, I know. But, Yixing, you and Baekhyun were best friends. You basically just had each other and now you have me. Baekhyun probably isn’t used to that, right? He’s used to coming to just you when he’s falling apart, but now he has no choice but to come to both of us.”

“Joonmyun, he doesn’t hate you.” What a silly thought to have, really. Baekhyun loves Joonmyun, Yixing can tell.

“I know he doesn’t. That’s not really what I’m worried about.”

“Then what?” Yixing looks down at their linked hands in his lap. Joonmyun’s fingers are so short and compact. Two sizes smaller than Yixing’s own. Their hands remind Yixing of black and white keys on a piano.

“Maybe he’s… replacing you with Chanyeol because he feels like you replaced him,” Joonmyun mumbles, his voice quiet. It’s like he’s ashamed to say it. Yixing frowns, looking up at Joonmyun’s face. “I don’t think that you did, because I know that Baekhyun means so much to you. And I never intended to come between that.”

“Joonmyun-ah,” Yixing says as he reaches over and cups Joonmyun’s jaw in his hand. “You haven’t. You haven’t come between anyone. I love you, okay? I love you so much.”

Joonmyun laughs softly as he leans into Yixing’s hand. “I love you, more.”

“We’ll talk more about this later, okay? Let’s just eat.”

Joonmyun nods and pecks Yixing’s lips quickly before grabbing his chopsticks again. The food is lukewarm now, and the delivery person will be back soon to get the dishes and take them back. Yixing asks Joonmyun about his day and asks if he got coffee spilled on him today (he did). Joonmyun asks how Yixing’s classroom is coming along, how many students he’ll have and if his coworkers are nice.

After the delivery person comes back to grab the dishes, Yixing and Joonmyun eat the rice cakes that Baekhyun had brought them, and don’t talk about him. They take a shower and climb into bed and don’t talk about him. Maybe there’s not much to talk about, after all. Yixing can’t stop thinking about what Joonmyun said, though. That Baekhyun feels replaced, that he’s trying to replace Yixing as collateral.

Joonmyun is snoring softly next to him, his arm across Yixing’s middle as Yixing lays there staring up into the blackness of their room. Baekhyun could never be replaced by anyone. Yixing really hopes that Joonmyun’s wrong on this one. Baekhyun doesn’t understand how much that both he and Joonmyun want him to be a part of their life. Joonmyun stirs next to him, mumbling quietly as he tightens his grip on Yixing. Yixing rubs his arm until the frown on his face relaxes. Joonmyun is so rarely ever wrong.

 

Most of the reason why Yixing got hired at his new job was because he had Jieun to vouch for him. She works with older kids at the same school, who know how to read music and have beautiful voices and are good at more than one instrument. Yixing, though, loves his kids. He loves how amazed they are when they discover something new. He loves the chaotic-ness of his classroom.

“Yixing oppa, you cannot seriously think that sounds _good_ ,” Jieun says, sounding offended as she pushes Yixing’s phone across the table in the teacher’s lounge. He’d recorded his students playing mini xylophones in class today, simply because it was cute. Jieun is a stickler for perfection.

“Aw, come on, it’s cute, Jieun,” Yixing pouts. “It’s music to them.”

“Do you go home with a headache every day?”

Yixing shakes his head with a sigh and she laughs brightly, making the few other teachers look over at them. Yixing props his head up on the palm of his hand and tugs at his tie a little. Ties don’t help when you’re already suffocating.

“You and Jinri haven’t come over to Joonmyun and I’s new place yet. Kasper has come, though,” Yixing raises his eyebrows at her as she eats the last of her food. “I think we know who’s the better friend out of you two.”

“We’ve been busy,” Jieun whines softly swatting at Yixing’s shoulder who laughs. “We’ll come soon, I swear.”

Jieun holds out her pinky in promise and Yixing hooks his own with it. “We better get back, class is going to start soon.”

Even if Yixing does go home with a headache on most days, he wouldn’t change his job for the world. But he’s not going to let Jieun have the satisfaction of being right.

 

For Chuseok Yixing goes with Joonmyun to his parents again. They’re lovely people, truly. Joonmyun’s brother loves teasing Joonmyun, and Yixing loves to watch. His mother loves that Yixing can help cook and his father loves that Yixing is a teacher, being one himself. They feel so much like his own family that Yixing nearly forgets he’s not at his own home.

Joonmyun still has a small twin sized bed in his childhood room, his walls plastered with Star Wars posters that Yixing teases him for. They squeeze onto his bed that’s made with fresh sheets with bunnies printed on them. Joonmyun pouts when Yixing calls him a bunny and huffs a defeated sound when Yixing kisses him.

Yixing flushes purple petals down the toilet in Joonmyun’s childhood home and forces the bitter taste of stomach acid back down into his gut.

 

In October Joonmyun gets a promotion from coffee boy to some desk job he hates even more. To Yixing it sounds like he’s a glorified assistant, because even though he sits at a desk, he _still_ has to get coffee for his boss and still ends up coming home with coffee stains on his shirt. Over the past few months they’ve gotten extremely handy with the use of bleach.

In October, Baekhyun returns the umbrella.

“Did I break my promise, hyung?” Baekhyun asks as he leans the umbrella on the wall by the door and slips out of his shoes. Yixing closes the door behind him as Joonmyun is in the kitchen getting drinks for them.

“Yes, you did. It’s the middle of October. You’re two months past the coming back soon window,” Yixing says and Baekhyun laughs with a shrug. He throws his arm around Yixing’s shoulder as they sit down on the couch and Yixing reaches up to pat his hand. At least today he’s not being distant. Joonmyun joins them with beers and sits on the other side of Yixing.

“Baekhyunnie, I missed you,” he says as he reaches over and pats Baekhyun’s cheek gently.

“I missed you more, hyung.” Baekhyun looks around at the apartment, or what he can see from the couch. “Is this what it’s like being an adult?”

The apartment is so much more comfortable, now. It’s starting to feel more lived in compared to the last time Baekhyun was here.

“How’re classes going?” Yixing asks as he bumps his shoulder into Baekhyun’s and hands him a soda that Joonmyun had grabbed from the fridge. Baekhyun huffs at Yixing’s question and twists the cap off his bottle with the sleeve of his shirt.

“I could ask you the same, Teacher Zhang,” Baekhyun pokes Yixing’s ribs and Yixing jerks away with a blush on his face at the nickname. “Classes are fine, it’s no different than any other than year. Aside from the fact that you guys live a billion miles away now and I can’t go see you whenever I want.”

“We aren’t that far away, you can still come over whenever you want.”

Baekhyun replies with a smile that doesn’t really mean anything. Yixing knows it’s because Baekhyun doesn’t really want to be here all that often. He’s still hoping that Joonmyun was wrong.

“I know, hyung. I’ll visit more often.”

He remembers this time last year, the three of them were inseparable. They were comfortable and there were no awkward silences between them like there is now. They were always laughing and smiling and Yixing felt whole. Yixing watches Baekhyun who isn’t really looking at anything. Joonmyun grabs Yixing’s hand, squeezing it gently.

“How are things with Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks, trying so hard to make it comfortable. “The last time I saw him was when you all blind folded me for my birthday.”

Baekhyun chuckles and looks over to Joonmyun, his now silvery blond hair falling in his eyes. “He’s good. He’s still looking for a job in his field, so he can stop working at the music shop in Hongdae. You know, typical post graduate antics.”

“I’m sure he’ll find something soon. You said he’s really good, so I’m sure something will come up.”

Yixing can tell that Baekhyun is uncomfortable, he’s pulling in on himself to be smaller. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, and that’s fine. They don’t have to talk about Chanyeol. He just wants Baekhyun to feel like he should be here, that he belongs.

Yixing places his hand on Joonmyun’s thigh for a moment, taking it away before Baekhyun notices and stands up, clapping once. “Well, there’s no use staying cramped up here. We should go out somewhere. It’s warm still and it’ll be good for all of us.”

Baekhyun looks up at Yixing with wide eyes, Yixing returns his look with something that he hopes conveys that he understands what Baekhyun wants. Baekhyun smiles at him and stands up, nodding.

“Alright, yeah. Let’s go somewhere. I haven’t been out in ages.”

They end up by the Han River with a bag full of soju and beers at midnight. Baekhyun’s nursing his own green bottle as Yixing and Joonmyun share one between themselves. The moon seems impossibly big from their little hill. It’s distorted in the ripples of the black water a few meters away from where they sit. If Yixing tries hard enough he can smell more ocean than pollution.

It reminds Yixing of a few summers ago, before he’d met Joonmyun and he, Baekhyun, Jieun, and Kasper had splashed in the warm ocean as fireworks went off above their head and the moon pulled the waves back from the beach. He’d known nothing but loving Baekhyun and being miserable about it.

He looks at his life now, how Baekhyun is barely there, how Joonmyun is always there. The change is so conflicting to him, he never wanted to lose Baekhyun, he only wanted to lose himself. Float away with the tide so he didn’t have to worry about the flowers that still fill his lungs. But he can’t imagine himself without Joonmyun with him. Now the last thing he wants is for the tide to pull him out of Joonmyun’s warm embrace.

Maybe it’s selfish, to pretend like everything will end up okay. That he won’t leave Joonmyun before he should. It’s selfish to do that to Joonmyun. He’s selfish for wanting to keep Baekhyun next to him when he knows that Baekhyun will never love him back.

A warm late fall wind blows through the trees, taking some of the dying leaves with it. It makes the grass ripple like the water. Yixing can’t drown on dry land.

He lays back, between Joonmyun and Baekhyun who are already laying in the grass, staring at the black sky. It’s unfortunate that it’s not possible to see the stars from here. Yixing doesn’t remember the last time he saw the stars. He looks to his left and to his right and remembers he has two stars burning right next to him, illuminating the grass with golden yellow light that only Yixing can see.

Maybe this is all they needed, some alcohol and as fresh of air as Seoul can offer. Baekhyun rolls over to his stomach and looks over at Yixing, lights from the city reflecting in his dark irises. He smiles at Yixing, a smile that Baekhyun saves for Yixing when they share a secret joke across the table, or when Baekhyun wants to say he misses Yixing without knowing how to use his words.

Again, he wishes he could kiss Baekhyun. Kiss him and make him realize just how much Yixing loves him. Just how much Yixing needs him. He reaches out and pats Baekhyun’s arm and returns the smile that he knows Baekhyun will understand through the haze of soju.

Joonmyun halfway sits up and takes a long drink of the soju in his hand before letting his arm fall across Yixing’s middle. Baekhyun looks away from Yixing to Joonmyun, with a different kind of look that Yixing has never seen before. It’s almost bordering on pleading, desperation. Something like that. Yixing might be imagining things because he’s always been a lightweight.

“This is nice,” Joonmyun says as he plays with the zipper on Yixing’s jacket. “It’s like before I left for England.”

Yixing looks away from Baekhyun for what seems like the first time in hours to see Joonmyun smiling softly, his face squished in his hand that’s holding his head up.

“I really miss you guys,” Baekhyun says, his voice rough. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t spoken in a while. Maybe it’s from the alcohol. “I love you both more than I can say.”

Baekhyun has always been a lightweight, too. Saying silly things that don’t mean anything.

At two am Baekhyun is fast asleep on their couch as Yixing and Joonmyun stumble into their bedroom, ready to sleep. Joonmyun pulls the covers up so high it covers their heads. It’s too warm like this, but Yixing doesn’t know how to make his mouth work to form words.

He feels Joonmyun’s warm breath on his face, smells the soju and beer on it.

“I wanted to kiss him,” Joonmyun whispers. Yixing closes his eyes and searches for Joonmyun’s hand to hold.

“Me too,” Yixing replies. He kisses Joonmyun, missing his mouth on the first try, getting it on the second.

At four am Baekhyun crawls into their bed, still drunk and cold. He forces his way between Yixing and Joonmyun who make room for him. Joonmyun drapes his arm over Baekhyun’s middle, his nose buried in the hair on the back of his head. Yixing’s arm under Baekhyun’s shoulders, already falling asleep as he clings to Yixing’s side like a leech. Yixing falls back asleep half hanging off the bed, half under Baekhyun.

At nine am Yixing wakes up to a pile of petals on his side of the bed and Baekhyun snoring with a pillow over his head and both of his legs on top of Yixing’s, his arms spread across both Joonmyun and Yixing’s backs.

 

November brings rain and more Baekhyun. He spends more time at their apartment than his own, and Yixing can’t get himself to complain about it. Baekhyun has his own key, and sometimes Yixing comes home to be greeted by Baekhyun laying sprawled out on the living room floor doing coursework. Sometimes he comes home to takeout waiting for him as Baekhyun flips through the channels on the TV complaining how there’s nothing ever on. Sometimes he comes home to an empty apartment but a text from Baekhyun saying he’ll be there tomorrow.

There’s a third pillow on their almost too small bed, there’s another toothbrush in their bathroom and the apartment feels like home.

It’s how it should be, Yixing wants to think. But the more time Baekhyun spends with Yixing and Joonmyun, the less time he’s spending with Chanyeol. Yixing wants to ask but he doesn’t know if it’s stepping over a line or not. He’ll let Baekhyun come to him, if he wants. Yixing doesn’t want to push him away again.

It’s been a terribly raining and windy fall. Yixing looks up at the sky from the bedroom window and pouts.

“Pouting won’t make it stop, Yixing-ah,” Joonmyun chuckles as he comes up behind Yixing and wraps his arms around Yixing’s middle. His lips press into Yixing’s shoulder, and Yixing leans back into him. “It’ll stop raining soon.”

“All it’s going to do is turn into gross snow. Seoul looks so dirty when it snows.”

The lady upstairs stomps around, swearing like a sailor. Yixing and Joonmyun laugh to themselves and finish getting dressed. Rain doesn’t stop having to go to work. Yixing kisses Joonmyun goodbye and grabs his umbrella from next to the door. Hopefully the rain lets up soon.

He feels off kilter all day, like something is wrong, and he can’t figure it out. Yixing texts Joonmyun a few times during the day, making sure all is well. Joonmyun tells him that he’s fine, and why wouldn’t he be? Yixing tries to relax enough to stop frowning and concentrates on his classes for the day.

At lunch Jieun asks him if he’s alright. Yixing doesn’t really know how to answer. Something is just off. He texts Baekhyun to ask if he’s alright, too. He doesn’t reply, but he’s probably in class. Yixing spends the last few hours of the school day feeling drained and worried. He just wants to be home.

Yixing opens the door to the apartment to find it dark and empty. He guesses he shouldn’t have hoped for anything different. Joonmyun won’t be home for a few more hours and it’s Tuesday, so Baekhyun has late classes. Yixing takes off his duffle bag filled with his kid’s assignments he needs to grade and tosses it on the couch after slipping off his shoes. He flips on the living room light as he goes to the kitchen to get something to drink. Yixing still feels weird, and he can’t seem to shake the feeling.

He drinks the whole glass of water he gets himself in one go and leaves it on the counter to dry as he heads to the shower. Maybe he just needs to relax under hot water for a little while. It was chilly all day, and it looked like the clouds would open up at any moment.

Yixing stands under the hot stream of water, hoping to wash the weird feeling down the drain. When he gets out a half an hour later, his skin is pink from the heat and he feels a little bit better. He hears lightning crack followed by thunder a few moments later. It must’ve started raining while he was in the shower. Yixing pulls on sweats and a shirt that he doesn’t know if it’s his or Joonmyun’s. When he walks back to the living room to grab his bag, he sees Baekhyun standing in his doorway. He’s drenched, his clothes dripping onto the mat in front of the door.

“Baekhyun?” Yixing says as he grabs a blanket from the hall closet. “You’re soaking wet.”

“Didn’t have an umbrella.” Baekhyun shrugs and lets Yixing wrap the blanket around his shoulders. Yixing guides Baekhyun to the kitchen and sits him down in a chair as he makes tea for the younger. When he looks back, Baekhyun has his eyes closed and face buried into the plush of the blanket.

“I’m going to get you a towel, don’t go anywhere,” Yixing says as he frowns to himself and Baekhyun nods, not bothering to open his eyes. Yixing sets down the tea next to Baekhyun and goes back to the bathroom to grab a towel to dry Baekhyun’s hair. He grabs a pair of sleep pants and a shirt for him, as well.

When he makes it back to the kitchen, Baekhyun hasn’t moved an inch. Yixing sets the stuff he gathered down on the table and grabs an empty chair, pulling it out and sitting in front of Baekhyun. He reaches out and touches Baekhyun’s knee, making the younger open his eyes slowly and look at Yixing.

“Baekhyunnie, what happened?” Yixing asks carefully, he doesn’t know if Baekhyun will even open up to him now. Baekhyun closes his eyes again and buries his face further into the blanket. Yixing can see his fists grip tighter on the blanket through the fabric.

“Chanyeol and I broke up,” Baekhyun says after too long of a silence. The air in Yixing’s lungs forces itself out in one big gust. “We just– We broke up.”

“Do you,” Yixing starts, chewing on his bottom lip. He doesn’t know what to say, really. He didn’t expect this to happen. He doesn’t know what Baekhyun is going to do, either. “Are you okay?”

Baekhyun shrugs and drops his hands from his face, the blanket nearly falling off his shoulders. He reaches for the cup of tea that’s now drinkable. He takes a slow sip, and Yixing can see his shoulders relax slowly.

“I’m cold,” Baekhyun says instead of answering Yixing’s question. He can work with that, though. He can let Baekhyun come to him when he’s ready. Yixing motions for Baekhyun to get up and grabs the towel and clothes off the table as he ushers Baekhyun to the bathroom. He helps Baekhyun peel off his wet clothes and turns on the shower for him, making sure it’s not too hot, but not too cold.

“I’ll be in the living room if you need anything,” Yixing says as he glances at Baekhyun’s back. It’s littered with moles, and surely now is not the time to want to kiss them. He turns away and lets himself out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He rests back on the wood, closing his eyes and taking in a slow deep breath.

He mops up the puddle that Baekhyun left in the doorway and throws the wet blanket into the dryer to busy himself. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to focus on grading the papers he needs to. Yixing puts a kettle on the stove for more tea in case Baekhyun wants more when he’s out of the shower and attempts to focus on his work, anyway. It’s better than fidgeting with things around the apartment for who knows how long.

Yixing’s gotten through five assignments when the door handle jingles and the door swings open, Joonmyun mumbling to himself in the threshold.

“Oh, why was it unlocked?” Joonmyun says to himself and pockets his keys. Yixing hears him toe off his shoes and pad his way down the hallway to the living room, where Yixing is sitting in a chair, instead of on the couch.

“You’re home early,” Yixing smiles softly at him and Joonmyun frowns a little, shaking his head as he looks at his watch.

“No, I’m always home now. Is the time getting away from you, Yixing-ah,” he asks, his pout turning into a smile as he walks over and kisses the top of Yixing’s head. He sets his briefcase down on the coffee table and stretches his hands up toward the ceiling. His shirt comes untucked from his pants and he groans a little to himself.

“Baekhyunnie is here, he’s in the shower.”

“Oh? Is that why the door was unlocked?” Joonmyun says with his eyebrows raised a little. “He’s the one who’s here early. I didn’t expect him to be here tonight, actually.”

“Yeah, me either,” Yixing sighs a little as he looks back towards the bathroom, the water still running. He can just barely here it from here. “He and Chanyeol broke up.”

Joonmyun sits on the edge of the coffee table, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together in front of him. “Did he tell you why?”

Yixing shakes his head and sets down his assignments next to the chair on the ground, sitting up in the chair. “That’s all he’s told me. That they broke up. He showed up soaking wet, looking like a lost puppy.”

Yixing hears the water shut off and he goes to get up from the chair, but Joonmyun places a hand on his knee, keeping him there. “Don’t crowd him, yeah? Let him come to us. Puppies don’t like to be crowded when they’re scared.”

Yixing sighs and nods, settling back into the chair and Joonmyun stands up, taking off his jacket and loosening his tie. He has a coffee stain on his breast pocket of his pale blue shirt. Yixing points it out and Joonmyun rolls his eyes and shakes his head with a quiet laugh.

Fifteen minutes later and two more assignments graded, Baekhyun shuffles his way out into the living room wearing the clothes that Yixing grabbed him, and his hair a towel dried mess atop his head.

“Hi Baekhyunnie,” Joonmyun says with a soft smile and Baekhyun waves to him as he stands in the doorway of the hallway and the living room.

“I’m sorry for coming here and bothering you,” Baekhyun starts, his voice thick. Yixing watches him shift his weight back and forth on his feet. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“You’re not bothering us,” Yixing says as he stands up, setting the rest of his papers on the coffee table next to Joonmyun. He takes a step towards Baekhyun who rushes forward, slamming into Yixing’s chest, nearly knocking the air from his lungs. He wraps his arms around Baekhyun, and Joonmyun comes over, rubbing Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“You can always come here, Baekhyun,” Joonmyun adds and Yixing nods, patting Baekhyun’s back gently.

“Would you like some more tea and then you can tell us what happened if you want?”

Baekhyun nods and takes a deep breath before stepping away from Yixing’s embrace and following the other two silently into the kitchen. Yixing pulls the kettle off the stove and pours water into Baekhyun’s mug from earlier. He fishes out a tea bag from the drawer, not wanting to waste time on making homemade tea.

Baekhyun drops the bag into his mug and wraps his hands around the warm ceramic, not looking up at Yixing or Joonmyun. Yixing pulls his bottom lip into his mouth as he sits next to Joonmyun, resting a hand on the older’s knee. He doesn’t know if he should be the one to ask, or if he should wait for Baekhyun to start.

Baekhyun lets out a slow exhale and pushes the bag of tea under the water with his index finger.  When he looks up at Yixing his eyes look tired beyond belief. Joonmyun reaches out and touches Baekhyun’s knee, nodding, encouraging him.

He lets out a short laugh and looks back at his tea. “I don’t even think I’m as sad as I should be. Like, shouldn’t I be heartbroken? Chanyeol was… he was so much different than anyone else, but he just–he’s Chanyeol, he’s _weird_.” Baekhyun shakes his head, his drying hair falling in front of his eyes again. “He’s leaving for Japan in a few days and not coming back. He got an amazing job offer from this design company in Nagoya that he can’t pass up. I don’t _want_ him to, either.”

Yixing lets his mouth turn down at the news, he doesn’t even know what he’d do if either Baekhyun or Joonmyun had to leave him forever. He’d be devastated, he knows that much. Baekhyun doesn’t seem like he is, for the most part.

“I want him to be happy, that’s all I ever wanted for him, you know? But, I think that what I felt was not the same as what he felt.” Baekhyun swallows thickly, staring at the table, tracing the lines of the wood. “He loved me so much, he still loves me. I don’t think that I deserve that kind of love from him.”

“Baekhyun,” Joonmyun says, a frown so clear in his voice Yixing doesn’t have to look over to know it’s there. “that’s not true at all. Why do you think that, because it really makes no sense.”

Yixing can see Baekhyun digging his tongue into the back of his bottom teeth through his parted, worried lips. Yixing wants too many things all at once. He wants Baekhyun to stop looking so lost, he wants Baekhyun to know that he deserves all the love in the world. He wants and wants and wants, but never knows how to make his wants into reality.

“It doesn’t matter why I think that,” Baekhyun sighs with another shake of his head. “I just want to– I don’t even know what I want. I love Chanyeol, God I love him more than life. But, there’s just something different about it. Something just isn’t _there_.”

Baekhyun’s words hang heavy in the air, levelling the whole room to the ground. Yixing desperately wants to pick up these weird jagged pieces of Baekhyun. Pieces of a puzzle he doesn’t know how to put back together. Yixing knows that Baekhyun wants to say more, that there’s something more to say, but Yixing also knows that Baekhyun won’t. Not unless he wants to.

“Do you need us to do something to help you feel better?” Joonmyun asks, his voice soft and warm like Yixing’s favorite blanket. He wonders if Baekhyun feels Joonmyun’s words wrap around his shoulders like Yixing does. Wonders if they feel just as comforting. “We’ll do anything you need us to, no matter what.”

Baekhyun reaches up and wipes at his mouth, looking between Joonmyun and Yixing, eyes darting back and forth. His fingers stay at the corner of his mouth, where they’re turned down, for a few moments before dropping into his lap. Yixing sees his eyes well up with tears, shining in all the wrong ways. Yixing stands up, his chair scraping loudly against the tile floor, and pulls Baekhyun up and into his arms. Baekhyun wraps his arms around Yixing’s middle and buries his face in Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing thinks that Baekhyun mumbles something, but it’s too muffled for him to be sure.

“It’ll be fine, Baekhyun-ah. You’ll be alright, yeah?” Yixing says as he rubs the length of Baekhyun’s back. Baekhyun isn’t actually crying, but Yixing isn’t going to take the chance.

Baekhyun steps back and takes a deep breath, looking between Joonmyun and Yixing, giving them a small smile.

“I’m really happy for you two, you know? I really want to have a relationship with someone like you guys have.”

Yixing feels the wind rush out of his lungs, like someone punched him in the stomach. He feels Joonmyun’s hand on his lower back, keeping him from yelling that he wants Baekhyun to be with them, to be a part of this.

“You’ll find it, Baekhyunnie, don’t worry. You’re too hard not to love,” Joonmyun says as he reaches out and cups Baekhyun’s jaw gently. Baekhyun gives another small smile and leans into Joonmyun’s hand. Yixing wonders if Joonmyun’s heart is bursting with the same love that Yixing feels.

Joonmyun suggests food and then hot chocolate after Baekhyun calms down a little more and decides he doesn’t really want to talk about it anymore. Yixing can never say no to Joonmyun and Baekhyun can never say no to hot chocolate. They put on their coats and grab an umbrella just in case the rain starts back up again. They go to Baekhyun’s favorite local restaurant where the owners are practically in love with him and give them way more meat than what they end up being charged for.

When they get back home, Joonmyun excuses himself to the shower and fifteen minutes into the movie Yixing picked out, Baekhyun falls asleep on the couch. Yixing grabs a blanket to cover him up and tucks a pillow under his head so he doesn’t get any cricks in his neck. He crouches down in front of Baekhyun, sweeping the hair out of his eyes and brushes his thumb slowly over his cheeks. He knows that Baekhyun will be okay, he just wants Baekhyun to be okay with them. Baekhyun’s brows furrow in his sleep and Yixing presses his lips to his temple until the crease in his forehead relaxes.

If it were up to Yixing, he’d stay in the living room with Baekhyun just in case he needed anything during the night. Once Joonmyun gets out of the shower, though, he pulls Yixing from the chair and leads him to the bedroom to sleep. Joonmyun kisses Yixing goodnight, but Yixing can’t fall asleep. Not until Baekhyun shuffles through the doorway to their bedroom and climbs into bed between Joonmyun and Yixing, immediately falling back asleep. Baekhyun’s warmth lulls Yixing to sleep not long after.

 

The three of the fall into an easy rhythm quickly. Baekhyun is at Yixing and Joonmyun’s home more often than not, and it almost feels like he’s part of their relationship. Almost. Baekhyun and Yixing get home around the same time and they do their work together silently, and when Joonmyun gets home they’re usually done and Baekhyun coerces them to play video games. It’s comforting having the two of them around all the time. That full feeling is back in Yixing chest and although there’s still flowers, he feels better.

Chanyeol leaves a few weeks after he and Baekhyun broke up. Yixing and Joonmyun had to convince Baekhyun to go see him off, after all Chanyeol was nothing but wonderful and helped Baekhyun when Yixing couldn’t. When Baekhyun got back from the airport he seemed different, like he was relieved almost. Yixing didn’t ask but just let Baekhyun be.

Baekhyun trucks through midterms like a complete champ, according to Joonmyun. Yixing knew that he would because he’s too smart for his own good and that’s how it always has been. They stay at home for the holidays and watch New Year’s fireworks from the 7/11 by the Han River eating ramen and drinking cheap soju.

Yixing watches the fireworks light up the sky and feels Baekhyun and Joonmyun’s warmth seep into his skin through his coat. Maybe just having this will be okay, it’ll help him get through life just a little bit longer. He knows that Baekhyun will find someone new, he knows that Baekhyun will probably get married one day and have a lovely family. Yixing will have the same with Joonmyun, just maybe not as long.

He knows all of these things, but sometimes when he looks over he catches Baekhyun staring at him. There’s always a look in his eyes that Yixing can never figure out, but it’s gone just as soon as it appeared. He wants to believe that maybe there’s love in that look, masked by everything else that Baekhyun keeps to himself. Things that Yixing may never get to know.

Now, Joonmyun is looking up at the sky, eyes in small crescents that still outshine the moon. He’s aweing at the crackling fireworks above their heads and Yixing wants to tell him he’s still better than the grandest fireworks display. Baekhyun, though, isn’t looking at the sky. He’s sat on the other side of Yixing, chin resting on in his hand. Yixing knows that Baekhyun is looking at him, he can see him out of the corner of his eye. He doesn’t want to look over and make Baekhyun look away or look at him any differently. He’s content with pretending like he doesn’t notice.

A new year will welcome them in a few minutes, and Yixing wants nothing more than to have them both by his side for as long as possible. He glances at his phone and the time reads 11:58. If he wishes hard enough, if the stars and planets align, maybe he will get his wish. Yixing reaches for Baekhyun’s hand, lacing their fingers together, and squeezes Joonmyun’s hand that’s been in his own for hours.

“Happy New Year’s to my two-favorite people,” Baekhyun says as he raises the bottle of soju in his hand to the sky. Yixing closes his eyes, squeezing them tightly, and wishes to everything and anything that this year he’ll be happy, that Joonmyun and Baekhyun will be happy. That they’ll be in love. He’ll allow him to be selfish this year.

When Yixing opens his eyes, nothing has changed, though. It’s still cold, there are still fireworks going off, Joonmyun and Baekhyun are still next to him. There was no shift of feelings, everything is still the same. The stars are still outshone by the city lights. He takes the bottle of soju from Joonmyun and takes a long pull from it, ignoring the questioning look that he receives from both of them. If nothing is going to change while he’s sober, maybe it’ll change when he’s drunk.

 

Yixing is not good at video games, but Baekhyun isn’t much better, despite what he claims. The two of them are sat in the living room, bumping into each other as they play Mario Kart for the third straight hour. Joonmyun hasn’t come home yet, he’d texted Yixing that he was working late earlier in the day, which was fine. It was nice that even if Joonmyun wasn’t there, Baekhyun showed up without fail.

“Hyung, I’m gonna kick your ass,” Baekhyun yells with a mouth full of chips as he attempts to dig his elbow into Yixing’s side. Yixing pushes his arm back against Baekhyun’s, trying to shove him away, and releases a blue shell that he’d been saving for a lap and a half.

“In your dreams, Baekhyunnie!” Yixing shouts back and laughs as Baekhyun collides with the blue shell. Yixing crosses the finish line and throws his hands in the air, laughing. Baekhyun lets out a wild yell and tackles Yixing onto the ground, controller tumbling out of his hand across the floor. Baekhyun has Yixing’s arms pinned to the floor above his head and sitting directly on Yixing’s stomach. Baekhyun pins both of Yixing’s hands down firmly with one hand and jabs his fingers into Yixing’s sides making him cry out.

“You’re so mean to me,” Baekhyun whines, like he’s not tickling Yixing, rather painfully, until he can’t breathe. “Let me win one!”

“Not in a million years!”

Yixing tries to squirm away from Baekhyun’s fingers, twisting his body until Baekhyun has no choice but to hold Yixing’s hands down with both of his own. All the sudden Yixing’s stomach lights itself on fire as he notices the way Baekhyun is staring at him. He stops wiggling under Baekhyun and stares up at the younger, lips parted and eyes wide.

Now is when they should kiss, Yixing thinks. It’s what happens in all those shitty dramas Baekhyun made him watch for years and years. He sees Baekhyun swallow and feels all the air rush out of his lungs in a matter of seconds. If Baekhyun would just…

“Yixing,” Baekhyun mumbles, his grip on Yixing’s wrists loosens but doesn’t show any signs of letting go. Even now Yixing can’t decipher what Baekhyun is thinking, what this _means_. Yixing lets out a slow breath and waits for Baekhyun to do anything, he has complete control of the whole situation, of how it will end.

The door clicks open from down the hallway, signaling that Joonmyun is home, and Baekhyun promptly climbs off Yixing. He stands up, rubbing the back of his neck and takes a few steps backwards.

“I’m gonna go shower, um, I’ll be back in like fifteen minutes,” Baekhyun says and turns around, retreating to the bathroom. Yixing blinks up at the ceiling, not moving as Joonmyun walks into the living room and sets his briefcase down on the coffee table. He looks down at Yixing, his head tilting to the side a bit. It’s so cute it almost makes Yixing forget what just didn’t happen.

“You okay down there?”

Yixing nods and swallows thickly. His mouth is suddenly too dry. Joonmyun sits down next to him a frown contorting his face in the most wonderful way. Yixing reaches out and smooths the wrinkles between Joonmyun’s eyebrows.

“Joonmyun, I love you,” Yixing says, and Joonmyun smiles softly at him, lips barely turning up at the corners. It makes Yixing feel like he’s flying.

“I love you more,” Joonmyun practically coos and leans down, placing a kiss on Yixing’s forehead. Joonmyun doesn’t ask what happened, and Yixing isn’t even sure that anything happened at all. Maybe it was just his imagination. It seems even more that way when Baekhyun returns from his shower, wearing both Joonmyun and Yixing’s clothes, and pretends like nothing happened except him losing in Mario Kart.

Yixing decides he’s become delusional.

 

The rest of January is a little weird, but not in a bad way. School starts back up, which means Yixing goes back to work and Baekhyun is busier than normal. They have less time to play around, but more time for Yixing to think too much about Baekhyun and what happened and what it probably doesn’t mean.

During the weekdays the three of them do their work in silence, occasionally asking a question or making a comment about something they’re working on. On the weekends when none of them have anywhere to go, and usually don’t have anything to work on, is when things change.

Baekhyun is acting weird, and Yixing can’t tell if it’s just him or if Joonmyun notices it, too. He’s too afraid to ask, though. Joonmyun will always be more than enough, and he never wants Joonmyun to think anything differently. Baekhyun is touchy as usual, but he’s distant at the same time. Yixing doesn’t want to think anything of it, but it’s hard not to.

On the last day of January Joonmyun pulls Yixing into the shower with him. Joonmyun washes his hair, massaging his fingers into Yixing’s scalp and Yixing lets his eyes fall closed. It’s been a while since they did anything like this. They felt too bad to do anything too intimate while Baekhyun was there, but today he’s gone, and it seems like Joonmyun wanted to hop on the opportunity.

“Yixing-ah,” Joonmyun coos as he turns Yixing around so they’re facing each other and guides Yixing back under the hot water. “I absolutely adore you, you know?”

Yixing smiles and blinks his eyes open to look at Joonmyun. Drops of water are clinging to the ends of his hair and specks of soap littering his chest. Yixing rubs his hands along Joonmyun’s damp skin, snaking around to find a home in the hair on the back of his head. He cut his hair shorter again, but Yixing doesn’t mind. He looks handsome like this, too.

“I absolutely adore you, too, you big sap.”

Joonmyun laughs, a grin splitting his pretty face in two making it almost too bright in the bathroom. Joonmyun reaches back to grab Yixing’s hand and hold it in his own. He brings Yixing’s hand up to his mouth and kisses his palm once before taking a single finger and pressing it just above his lip. Joonmyun’s eyes are literally twinkling and Yixing can’t quite figure out what he’s doing. Joonmyun lets go of Yixing’s hand and it falls to his side, but where his finger once was there’s something else in its place.

Too many emotions surge into Yixing’s body all at once and he feels like he’s going to collapse. There’s no way he could be seeing this right, but when Yixing leans forward, the small mole on Joonmyun’s skin is unmistakable. Yixing reaches up and touches his own just under his own lip and lets out a wet laugh. Joonmyun’s cheeks must hurt from smiling so wide, because Yixing’s do.

“This is,” Yixing shakes his head, reaching out to touch Joonmyun’s mole again. Joonmyun grabs Yixing’s hand in his own and pulls Yixing into his chest. “I thought–”

“They don’t have to be exact replicas,” Joonmyun says as he kisses along Yixing’s cheek. “But I’m positive it’s for you.”

Yixing laughs again, because he doesn’t know what else to do other than cry, and kisses Joonmyun. Joonmyun loves him, is in love with him, is his soulmate. He loves Joonmyun, he loves Joonmyun more than words can even begin to express. Their kiss doesn’t feel any different, but maybe it was always different from the beginning and Yixing just couldn’t tell. Joonmyun has always been different, has always been perfect. Yixing thinks he probably should’ve noticed

“Why didn’t you tell me, Yixing?” Joonmyun asks as they switch places and Yixing massages shampoo into Joonmyun’s hair.

“I wasn’t sure… I didn’t know who it was for,” Yixing sighs softly and lathers the suds through Joonmyun’s hair who looks at him with understanding eyes that Yixing loves more than the world. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, we’re here now.” Joonmyun smiles again and Yixing can’t stop himself from kissing Joonmyun. He still doesn’t think he deserves someone as good as Joonmyun in his life, but he’s never going to let him go.

After the soap his washed out of Joonmyun’s hair, Yixing presses him against the cool tiles of the shower wall and kisses and bites at Joonmyun’s lips until he’s begging for more. Yixing takes Joonmyun in his hand and pushes him closer and closer to the edge and doesn’t let him go until he’s begging even louder with Yixing’s name on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week is the last full chapter!! (I've fixed the links as well!)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinyieader) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings; 
> 
> Blood.
> 
> (I also suggest looking up The Garden of Morning Calm for reference to what it looks like. It's also so beautiful so that's a plus.)

“We need to go somewhere other than 7/11 for food to eat,” Yixing says as he opens the fridge. The practically empty shelves stare back at him with a scowl and he shuts the door with a sigh. “We need real groceries.” He had been silently wishing that after they all returned from their respective family’s homes after Seollal, that their fridge would magically be full. His wishes were definitely not granted. The fridge and cupboards have been empty for so long, Yixing’s convinced they’ll start collecting dust soon. Baekhyun and Yixing still have time off, but Joonmyun had to go back to work the day after he returned, leaving the two to fend for themselves during the day. Which means Yixing needs food to cook.

“We could go now? Before Joonmyunnie gets home from work?” Baekhyun says, sounding half distracted from his place on the couch in the living room. He’s working on his thesis paper, and Yixing hates disrupting him because he knows Baekhyun just wants to get it done with. Yixing walks to the threshold between the living room and kitchen and leans on the doorframe looking at Baekhyun who’s curled up on in a blanket with his laptop in his lap and a pen cap sticking out from between his teeth. His brow is furrowed in concentration, making him look cuter than normal. Yixing just wants to kiss him. He doesn’t have time or energy to think about that, though.

“You don’t have to come, I can do it. You should work on your paper,” Yixing says as he stretches and walks across the living room to the hallway where their shoes and coats are. When Yixing tiptoes to grab his hat from the top shelf of the hall closet, he feels Baekhyun’s hand press against his lower back, steadying him. He grabs Baekhyun’s hat, too, before turning back to look at the younger with raised eyebrows.

“I need to take a break. If I stare at the screen any longer my eyes might pop out of my head,” he says with a shrug and Yixing snorts, pulling Baekhyun’s hat on his head and down over his eyes, making the younger bat his hands away. Yixing pulls on his own hat and grabs the house keys, letting Baekhyun go out first so he can lock the door.

“Joonmyun shouldn’t be too much longer, so we probably shouldn’t spend too much time at the store. I’ll text him just in case though,” Yixing says as he pulls out his phone and sends off a quick text to Joonmyun letting him know.

Shopping with Baekhyun is a whole different experience than shopping for Baekhyun. Yixing has to repeatedly say that no they can’t get four different boxes of sugary cereal, but maybe two is okay. Baekhyun still has a sweet tooth, but Joonmyun does too and Yixing always has a hard time denying either of them anything. Yixing has to hold him back at least a little bit, though, just so all of their money doesn’t go to waste on unnecessary things when they really do need food in the house.

They return home with a decent amount of real food, things that Yixing can make as well as things for them to snack on whenever. Joonmyun still isn’t back but let Yixing know with a text that he’d be a little longer than planned because his boss is making him stay. Leaving Baekhyun and himself to put away the groceries themselves. Yixing makes enough bibimbap to feed them both, plus Joonmyun when he gets home, and maybe even some more for tomorrow.

Yixing follows Baekhyun to the living room with his bowl of bibimbap and sits next to him on the floor behind the coffee table, turning on the TV for background noise. Baekhyun makes quick work of mixing his bowl together, popping the egg yolk and scraping the spoon on the side of his bowl. Yixing really tries not to watch him, because Baekhyun feeding himself shouldn’t be so cute to watch. How his hair keeps falling in front of his eyes and him blowing it away every fifteen seconds shouldn’t be so cute.

Yixing bites down on his bottom lip and looks down at his food. He shouldn’t stare, he really, really shouldn’t stare. Yixing mixes his own bowl and digs in and doesn’t steal glances at Baekhyun while he’s eating. Baekhyun talks about his thesis and how absolutely boring it is and how he wishes it was just finished already. Yixing listens quietly and eats until he can’t possibly take another bite.

“Oh, hyung,” Baekhyun says suddenly, making Yixing look up from his bowl where he’s pushing around the left overs of his food. Baekhyun reaches up to touch his lips. “You have–”

Before Yixing can grab his napkin, Baekhyun leans towards Yixing, getting far too close and drags his thumb across Yixing’s bottom lip. Yixing can’t do anything but stare at Baekhyun with wide eyes.

“Something on your lip,” Baekhyun says and looks up from Yixing’s lips to his eyes. _OhJesusChrist_. Baekhyun’s thumb is still on his lip, a soft warm pressure that is making Yixing think all sort of things he probably shouldn’t because this is just something Baekhyun does, right? Totally, Baekhyun does this all the time.

Yixing opens his mouth to say something, but a weak laugh comes out instead. He doesn’t even know what he was going to say. It got lost from his brain to his mouth, but he’s at least ninety percent sure that there wasn’t anything in his brain in the first place. He closes his mouth, his face feeling a billion degrees. When did it get so hot in here? It’s never this hot in here. Yixing can feel Baekhyun’s hand on his cheek, and he still hasn’t moved away. Why is he so God damn close?

“Baekhyunnie?” Yixing practically rasps out and Baekhyun’s eyes widen, almost comically, like he didn’t remember that he was there, so close to Yixing. Yixing goes to move back, because now he’s sure that this wasn’t supposed to happen, but Baekhyun holds him in place. All Yixing can see is the freckle on Baekhyun’s cheek and all of his eyelashes and how pretty his lips are and maybe if Yixing tries again–

Baekhyun lets out a huff of a breath and before Yixing’s brain can fully register the feeling of Baekhyun’s breath on his skin, Baekhyun’s lips are pressed against his. His hand still on Yixing’s cheek the other one suddenly on the back of his neck and Yixing thinks that he’s about to burst into flames, or dust, or something because _whattheactualfuck_.

Yixing’s brain takes too long to register what’s happening and now Baekhyun is pulling away and Yixing already misses the feeling, he wants it back. He needs it back more than anything he’s ever needed before.

“I’m sorry, if that was… I misread what was happening and I–” Baekhyun starts to stutter out, but Yixing grabs him by the shirt and pulls him into another kiss, cutting him off. This is the only thing that Yixing has wanted since he was sixteen and now that he has it… Baekhyun laughs against Yixing’s lips quietly and holds both sides of his face, their noses pressing together and if their teeth knock too, Yixing can’t even get himself to care.

Yixing’s hands are shaking when he lets go of Baekhyun’s shirt and lets him sit back in his place. Baekhyun’s cheeks are as red as Yixing’s entire face feels. His chest feels so weirdly tight, nothing like he’s ever felt before.

“You didn’t,” Yixing mutters because he can’t get his vocal cords to work at a proper volume. “Misread, I mean. You didn’t misread anything.”

Baekhyun leans back against the front of the couch and looks at Yixing, his head propped up in his hand. He looks wonderful and beautiful and Yixing loves him so much and– Yixing needs to tell Joonmyun. He needs to talk to Baekhyun about Joonmyun.

“Baekhyunnie,” Yixing starts, his voice finally coming back. “I know that we kissed and all, but Joonmyun… I’m in love with him, yeah? You know that. He’s not going anywhere.”

“I probably shouldn’t have kissed you then,” Baekhyun says and Yixing can see him dig his tongue into the backs of his teeth. He didn’t make a mistake. Yixing shakes his head and reaches out to grab Baekhyun’s hand.

“I love you, too, you know that as well. I really do. I don’t want you to go anywhere, either.” Yixing squeezes Baekhyun’s hand, resisting the urge to pull the younger towards him and maybe kiss him again. Yixing doesn’t even know if Baekhyun wants what he wants. For all he knows, it could’ve just been a kiss and nothing more. “I’ve wanted you to kiss me for a really long time, longer than I should admit to.”

“Is it wrong that I want to kiss Joonmyun, too, then?”

Yixing lets out a breathy relieved laugh because tonight couldn’t get any more perfect. He was so worried all this time that Baekhyun didn’t want what he wanted, what Joonmyun wanted. But here Baekhyun is, telling him exactly what he’d never thought he’d hear in this lifetime or even the next. He won’t ask how long Baekhyun has wanted it, because he doesn’t really want to know the answer. He smiles and brings Baekhyun’s hand up to his lips instead, kissing his knuckles gently.

“I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that Joonmyun wants to kiss you, too.”

“Can I kiss you again, then?” Baekhyun asks, always so eager to jump into things headfirst. Yixing laughs softly and squeezes Baekhyun’s hand again before dropping it into his lap. As much as he wants to, they shouldn’t. Yixing thinks Baekhyun knows that, as well.

“We should wait until we talk to Joonmyun for that one.”

Yixing grabs his phone from the table in front of him and opens his chat with Joonmyun.

 

**To: Joonmyun-ah**

**HAVE SOME REAL EXCITING NEWS FOR WHEN YOU GET HOME!!!!!!!!**

 

As Baekhyun takes their bowls to the kitchen, Yixing gets a text back.

 

**From: Joonmyun-ah**

**I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.**

 

Yixing can’t help but laugh and shake his head as he sets his phone back on the table and settles on the couch instead of on the floor. Baekhyun returns shortly, drying his damp hands on his shirt and ignoring the look that Yixing gives him in favor of crawling onto the couch next to him and making a home for himself against Yixing’s side. When he looks down, Baekhyun is looking at him with those pretty eyes that make Yixing’s head feel like it’s going to explode.

“Okay, maybe just one kiss,” Yixing says and tilts Baekhyun’s chin up with his finger, pressing their lips together gently. He can feel the way Baekhyun melts into the kiss, into him. Yixing has never felt anything better. He’s never felt so whole in his life. All the things that are running through his mind, like how Baekhyun’s lips are unbelievably soft or that they fit perfectly with his own, are straight out of those horrible dramas they watched together, but he can’t get himself to mind.

Baekhyun pulls away and smiles up at Yixing, a smile that he’s seen thousands of times before but now it means something a different to the both of them. He curls into Yixing’s side and snatches the remote out of his hands to turn on some cooking show. Baekhyun keeps saying that he could ‘totally make that, it’s so easy’ but they both know that he can’t. They bicker back and forth about his cooking skills until Yixing’s phone buzzes on the table with a message from Joonmyun that says, ‘I’M HERE WHAT IS IT????’. Yixing laughs to himself but doesn’t reply, letting Joonmyun wonder what the news is until he gets upstairs.

A few minutes later Yixing hears the rattling of keys against their door and the door swinging open, banging against the wall, with a small ‘oops’ following it quickly. Baekhyun goes to sit up, but Yixing squeezes his shoulder, keeping him in place.

“Hey,” Joonmyun half yells as the door slams shut, Yixing can hear that he’s struggling to take off his shoes. He forces himself not to feel so disgustingly in love. Joonmyun appears at the entrance to the living room eyebrows raised and eyes wide. “What is it?”

He is so excited, and he has no idea what it is. Yixing wants to cry of happiness because he loves Joonmyun so much and he knows how happy and surprising this whole day is going to be to him. Knowing that Joonmyun has wanted this too only makes it that much better and now they can finally fill that little gap that Baekhyun was always meant to fill. Joonmyun’s eyes narrow a little bit as he looks between Yixing and Baekhyun.

He could just tell Joonmyun that Baekhyun likes them, that this is really happening, but when he looks back at Baekhyun he can’t help but kiss him again. Not when Baekhyun is looking anxious but excited at the same time with his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. Yixing cups Baekhyun’s cheek and kisses him (for the third time!) and the younger sighs into the kiss.

“What?” Joonmyun says from behind them, his voice adorably squeaky, bordering somewhere between excited and confused. Baekhyun pulls away from the kiss to look at him, his smile back on his face as he motions for Joonmyun to join them.

“Can I kiss you too, hyung?” Baekhyun asks with a tilt of his head. Yixing can hear the breath that Joonmyun lets out. He feels so warm and happy that there’s no way that any of this is real. Yixing doesn’t think that Joonmyun thinks this is real either.

“What? I mean, yes! But, what?” Joonmyun half laughs half whispers as he shuffles over to the couch quickly. Baekhyun wastes no time in grabbing the front of Joonmyun’s shirt in his fists and pulling him down across Yixing’s lap to kiss him. Truthfully, watching Baekhyun and Joonmyun is a lot better than Yixing expected. He rests his hand on Joonmyun’s back and watches as the older warms up slowly to the way Baekhyun’s lips move on his.

“Exciting news,” Yixing mumbles and Joonmyun pulls away from Baekhyun to immediately kiss Yixing, holding his jaw, not even bothering to take a breath.

“Oh wow,” Baekhyun whispers when Joonmyun licks into Yixing’s mouth, making him whine low in his throat.

“This is a dream, right?” Joonmyun asks against Yixing’s lips. Yixing shakes his head with a smile and he hears Baekhyun chuckle softly.

“Nope, definitely not,” Baekhyun says, tilting his head a little as Yixing sits back. Joonmyun slides back, sitting back on the heels of his feet as he kneels on the floor in front of Yixing and Baekhyun. His eyes are shining, and the apples of his cheeks are almost as bright. He can’t stop looking between Baekhyun and Yixing, and Yixing wants to grab Joonmyun by the shoulders and yell ‘Yes! Yes, this is real! I can’t believe it either!’ He doesn’t, of course, mostly because that would be weird.

“Is it okay that I want to kiss you both?” Baekhyun asks when Joonmyun keeps looking at them both like they’re ships he worked on for three years and put into glass bottles to display. In other words, extremely proud, maybe a little bit more than that. Yixing loves him so much. Yixing watches as Joonmyun’s hand reaches up to cup Baekhyun’s cheek, his thumb brush against Baekhyun’s skin just like it brushes against Yixing’s own.

“It’s more than okay, you have no idea,” Joonmyun says laughing quietly and pulling Baekhyun into another kiss. It’s short and sweet and Yixing feels more love in this moment than he’s ever felt in his whole entire life. He thought that Joonmyun’s love filled him to the brim, made him feel like there could be nothing better than this, but having both of them here, loving them and them loving each other and loving Yixing back is the pinnacle of everything that Yixing could’ve ever asked for. He doesn’t know how he got to the point in his life where he was this lucky.

He went from feeling like he could die at any second to feeling like he could live forever in a matter of moments. Just one press of Baekhyun’s lips, one confession flipped his life upside down.

Yixing’s chest hasn’t stopped feeling tight and twisted in a knot for two weeks. Like something had changed and they were ready to give up. He was ready, as much as he could’ve been. But maybe the flowers were telling him that it wasn’t time yet, that something was going to change soon.

The flowers don’t predict the future, he knows that. So even thinking that was a silly thing to do. Naive and immature of Yixing to hope for something like this. But he got it anyway. Sometimes naivety isn’t so bad.

After many more kisses Yixing and Baekhyun convince Joonmyun to eat his food that Yixing made for him and they settle on the couch, all tangled together like roots of an old tree. Baekhyun’s thesis is forgotten for the night and Yixing’s prep for next week is put on hold so they can just be together for the first time.

Joonmyun and Baekhyun get sucked into the drama that’s playing on the TV, leaving Yixing to his own thoughts. He can feel the familiar press of Baekhyun’s legs across his, but this time it’s different and it makes him feel less suffocated and a little more comfortable. He feels Joonmyun’s hand in his own, the smaller fingers playing with his long ones as Joonmyun stares at the screen, his mouth slightly parted and lips chapped.

Yixing presses his free hand on his chest lightly, drumming his fingers against the fabric of his shirt. He doesn’t know what will happen now, but his best choice right now is to just not think about it. He can’t let the flowers ruin this, he’s been suffocating for so long and now that he can finally breathe, he doesn’t want it to be gone in an instant. Yixing can’t force the flowers to disappear, he can’t force them to do anything. They do what they want, and he learned that the hard way. It doesn’t matter anymore, though, he has both Joonmyun and Baekhyun and it doesn’t matter.

As Yixing and Baekhyun settle into bed as Joonmyun showers, Baekhyun no longer needing to start out on the couch only to find his way in between Joonmyun and Yixing in the middle of the night, Baekhyun places his hand gingerly on Yixing’s arm and stares at the place where their skin is touching. He moves his hand slowly up Yixing’s arm to his shoulder, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Yixing watches as Baekhyun avoids looking at Yixing’s face, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. He can’t help but smile at the younger, how nervous he looks, how cute he’s acting. Yixing didn’t think that he’d ever get to see Baekhyun look like this. Seeing it for the first time is something akin to grey clouds clearing to reveal a bright blue sky.

“Baekhyunnie,” Yixing whispers. “What are you thinking about?” Baekhyun’s hand is on the side of his neck, now, his fingers tracing along Yixing’s jaw bone down to his chin.

“A few months ago,” Baekhyun starts, still watching his fingers dance across Yixing’s skin instead of looking at Yixing’s eyes. “Right around the time Chanyeol and I got together, actually, I noticed something.” Yixing can see the small pores on Baekhyun’s nose from how close they are, he can see tiny pimples on his cheek and wisps of hair that Baekhyun missed when he shaved that morning. His hand moves from Yixing’s chin into his hair, scratching at Yixing’s scalp gently. “But, I wasn’t sure what it was. I thought that maybe it was because of Chanyeol; because I adored him, you know? As time went on I kept doubting myself, though.”

Yixing’s stomach twists funnily in his stomach. He doesn’t feel sick but anxious instead. He doesn’t dare to open his mouth, though. He wants Baekhyun to tell him everything.

“Like I said, Chanyeol was always different. And maybe that should’ve been a warning sign, I should have known from the beginning.” Baekhyun pulls on Yixing’s ear gently, like Yixing always did to him. It makes Yixing smile, the feeling of it is so familiar. “And then you and Joonmyun, you guys were so perfect together. He makes you so happy and I was jealous.” Baekhyun laughs to himself then, weirdly bitter in the moment. Yixing’s smile drops into a frown as he reaches up and grabs Baekhyun’s hand to hold in his own. “But I wasn’t jealous of him or of you. No, I was jealous that I wasn’t a part of what you had with each other? I was always so terrible at sharing, you know that, and then I had to share you with Joonmyun and then he got you in ways that had never even occurred to me. I wanted that, too, from both of you. For so much longer than I wanted to believe.” Baekhyun chews at the inside of his cheek as Yixing laces their fingers together, letting him know that he’s there. “I noticed your mole, because you’ve always been awful at hiding things, especially from me. And I thought to myself, there’s no way. Because from the moment I met Joonmyun I knew that you’d fall in love with him, he’s so hard not to fall in love with.”

“I was mad at first, I got jealous again, because again Joonmyun had something of you that I never had. Or, thought I never had. But I kept looking at myself in the mirror and seeing this–” Baekhyun takes Yixing’s forefinger and pulls it to his mouth, just at the corner above his lip, where a small mole rests. Yixing is thrown through déjà vu of being in the shower with Joonmyun and almost the same exact thing happening. “And thinking to myself, this isn’t for Chanyeol. I love him more than anything, but this isn’t for him. But it wasn’t just for you, and when I noticed Joonmyun’s mole, too, I knew for sure that it was something more. These moles, they don’t always have to be in the same exact spot as your soulmate. Mine, though, is directly between yours and Joonmyun’s. We line up like a constellation, bound together by the stars on our bodies.”

Yixing can’t take it anymore, he can’t listen to Baekhyun talk anymore and not kiss him, he just needs to kiss him until he can’t breathe. Until the world stops spinning, and they become less two people and more one. He pulls Baekhyun into a kiss, his fingers tangling into Baekhyun’s hair and tugging until he lets out quiet whines that make Yixing lightheaded.

“I’m here, Baekhyun, I am. I’m never going anywhere,” Yixing breathes out against Baekhyun’s lips. The younger laughs softly and kisses him again, nipping at Yixing’s bottom lip and licking into his mouth until they hear the shower turn off and Joonmyun comes into the room.

Joonmyun gets dressed as Baekhyun lays curled in Yixing’s arms, keeping him warm like a personal furnace. Joonmyun climbs into the bed behind Baekhyun and kisses Yixing first, soft and sweet that makes Yixing’s teeth rot and his heart melt, then Baekhyun the same exact way that has double the effect on him. Joonmyun pulls back just a few inches and brushes his thumb over Baekhyun’s lips gently, smoothing over Baekhyun’s mole a few times. Baekhyun smiles up at him, eyes lost to quarter moon crescents.

“Cute,” Joonmyun chuckles quietly and pecks Baekhyun’s lips one last time. Joonmyun has always been far more observant than Yixing, but maybe Yixing was just too busy trying to ignore his own mole to notice anyone else. Joonmyun lays back under the covers and wraps his arm around Baekhyun’s middle, attaching himself to Baekhyun like a leech, in the most Baekhyun fashioned way.

 

March is much warmer than it has been in recent years, but that doesn’t stop it from snowing and keeping Baekhyun and Yixing at home with nothing to do while Joonmyun is forced to drive to work in the crappy weather. Baekhyun makes them hot chocolate and turns on one of the Transformers movies that Yixing has never been able to pay attention to. They get to about the fifth explosion before Baekhyun starts getting fidgety and Yixing has to trap Baekhyun’s legs under his own, so his feet stop rubbing against Yixing’s legs.

Three more explosions and a mechanical voice yelling until Baekhyun complains about being cold. Baekhyun turns around from his place between Yixing’s legs with a smirk on his face. Before Baekhyun opens his mouth and says something completely terrible, Yixing cuts him off.

“Don’t say what I think you’re about to say, and you have to ask Joonmyun.”

Baekhyun sticks out his bottom lip in a pout and Yixing pokes it with a chuckle before handing Baekhyun his phone. He huffs, taking his phone and typing out a text to Joonmyun and sets it aside to kiss Yixing until Joonmyun replies. His phone buzzes a few minutes later, signaling a reply from Joonmyun.

“It just says ‘only if I can have some when I get home,’” Yixing mumbles against Baekhyun’s lips, holding Baekhyun’s phone out for him to see. “Did you even ask him if we could?”

Baekhyun laughs and nods, unlocking his phone to show Yixing is very blunt text saying ‘yixing and I are gonna fuck’. Yixing rolls his eyes and tosses Baekhyun’s phone to the side pulling him down so their bodies are pressed together. Never in a million years did Yixing ever think he would get this, but he’s oddly calm about it all. He knows what Baekhyun is going to do and how he’s going to move and exactly what he wants, it’s like they’ve been doing this for years and years. But Yixing has always known Baekhyun better than the palm of his own hand.

“ _Maybeyoucankeepmewarm_ ,” Baekhyun rushes out in one breath as Yixing pushes a hand under Baekhyun’s shirt.

“Oh my god, Byun Baekhyun, don’t say another word,” Yixing mutters and lets out a sigh as Baekhyun rolls his hips against Yixing’s. Everything is on fire, his mind, his lungs, his skin, they’re all on fire and Baekhyun is the one who started it. Yixing loses himself in the way Baekhyun’s tiny moans fill his ears and his nails dig into his shoulders, nearly breaking the skin. Yixing bites down on the smooth skin of his neck and nearly forgets to breathe when Baekhyun moans out his name as he comes onto Yixing’s stomach as he takes Yixing with ease.

The embers beneath his skin smolder for hours until Joonmyun gets home and they do it all over again. The fire is reignited by Joonmyun making Baekhyun cry out into their pillows, begging for more as Yixing takes turn kissing both of them sweetly. He loses his mind when Joonmyun takes both Yixing and Baekhyun in each of his hands and sees stars when he comes with Joonmyun’s name spilling out of his mouth like honey mixed with a hint of Baekhyun.

 

A month before Baekhyun is set to graduate, Joonmyun comes home and announces that they’re going to the Spring Festival in Sumogwon over the weekend. It’ll be a good break for both Joonmyun and Baekhyun, who are both too stressed for even Yixing to fix. Baekhyun’s thesis is already turned in and Yixing is only left with preparing for the end of the school year.

“It’ll be a graduation present,” Joonmyun says as he sits on the couch next to Baekhyun, pulling the younger into his lap for a quick kiss. “You deserve it, you’ve worked really hard.”

“You’ve worked hard, too, hyung,” Baekhyun hums as he rests his head back on Joonmyun’s shoulder, his legs draped over Yixing’s lap. Yixing looks over to Joonmyun who’s already looking back at him with a look that makes Yixing feel like he’s floating on nothing. Every ounce of love that Joonmyun has to offer is given to Yixing and Baekhyun and Yixing undoubtedly feels it. Baekhyun fits perfectly between the two of them. Without him, the constellation wouldn’t be complete. They always knew that he was the missing piece, it just took him a little while to catch up.

There are times when Yixing expects to wake up from a dream and this all be made up in his head, that Baekhyun never told them how he felt, that they never kissed. Nothing is different between them except intimacy and it makes Yixing feel like it’s all too good to be true. Then, Baekhyun laces his fingers with Yixing’s and he feels the warmth of light that Baekhyun has always been made of, or he kisses him and tastes like pure sugar and love and Yixing realizes that this is too good to be made up in his head.

 

The three of them pack their bags for a weekend away in the mountains at a nice guest house that Joonmyun did extensive research on. They take a train to the Gyeonggi Province, about two and a half hours away. Joonmyun is immersed in his book while Baekhyun has fallen asleep on his shoulder, lips parted slightly and hair falling into his closed eyes.

Yixing watches as the skyscrapers and buildings turn to mountains as the train bumps and rattles along the rails. It’s calming, watching the chaos turn to peacefulness. Yixing can see specks of flowers growing on the ground from his window. Since Baekhyun confessed his chest hasn’t hurt, there’s been no lingering petals that Yixing has had to hide. He wonders if maybe the flowers just disappeared altogether when Baekhyun kissed him. He doesn’t even know how he’d check.

“Hey, what’s up?” Joonmyun asks in a whisper, pulling Yixing’s gaze from the window to him across from him. His book is closed now, resting in his lap as Baekhyun snores softly on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Yixing offers him a small smile and a nod. “Yeah, I’m good. Just admiring the view.”

Joonmyun narrows his eyes at Yixing, not believing him and Yixing rolls his eyes with a laugh. “Seriously, Joonmyun, I’m good.” And it’s not a lie, he is good. He’s great, better than he’s been in years.

“You just seem sad,” Joonmyun says with a slight pout and Yixing reaches out to pat Joonmyun’s knee, squeezing it lightly.

“Maybe a little sad that we can’t stay out in the mountains. It’s so pretty, and the air is so much better. Other than that, I’m fine. Promise.”

Joonmyun nods giving him a smile. “Okay, okay. I believe you. But, if you need anything, you know I’m always here. Baekhyun, too.”

Yixing props his head up in the palm of his hand and smiles at Joonmyun. How did he ever get this lucky? He still doesn’t believe that he deserves someone as good as Joonmyun, who cries when he’s happy and always cares about everyone around him. He’s still too good to be true.

“I love you, Joonmyun-ah,” Yixing says quietly, knowing that there’s nothing truer he could say in the moment.

“I love you more.”

Baekhyun grumbles in his sleep quietly, making the two of them chuckle. Joonmyun reaches up and pats Baekhyun’s cheek gently and says, “We love you, too.”

The rest of the ride is quiet, Joonmyun eventually falls asleep as well while Yixing tries his hardest not to look nostalgic. He takes a picture of Baekhyun and Joonmyun sleeping with their heads resting against each other and hands held in Joonmyun’s lap. Yixing sets the picture as his home screen and has a hard time not smiling at it every time he unlocks his phone.

Yixing wakes Baekhyun and Joonmyun just before the train comes to a stop at the station in Oeseomyeon, where they have to transfer to a bus the rest of the way to Sumogwon, just an hour more and they’ll be there. Baekhyun takes pictures of the Bukhan River as they wait for the bus to arrive and Joonmyun fusses with their overnight bags. Yixing inhales deeply, feeling the almost clean air fill his lungs completely. As he exhales he smiles, he feels like he can do anything now that he doesn’t have flowers holding him back.

“This place is so pretty,” Baekhyun mutters as he takes another picture. When Yixing looks up he sees the phone pointed at him. Yixing rolls his eyes and pushes Baekhyun’s phone down.

“Shut up, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun snickers as he bumps his shoulder into Yixing’s.

“Ah, look, the bus is here,” Joonmyun says as he slings his bag over his shoulders and urges Baekhyun and Yixing to do the same. They still have an hour ride from here to Sumogwon where they’re staying for the weekend. They step onto the mostly empty bus, aside from a few grandmothers and a kid looking like he’s coming home from university for the weekend that’s sitting in the very back of the bus. They sit near the middle of the bus, Baekhyun in the middle of Joonmyun and Yixing talking away about how he doesn’t have to go home this year for summer break because he’s no longer in school and he’s practically not living on campus anymore.

The second hour goes by a lot faster than the first, but Yixing supposes it’s because Joonmyun and Baekhyun are awake and laughing next to him, filling the bus with sunshine and warmth. He doesn’t waste the hour away thinking about the flowers that consumed his life for the last five years, instead he plays cards, and he laughs, and he’s genuinely happy.

The bus comes to a stop sooner than Yixing expects, but he’s grateful as they file off the bus and he gets to stretch aching legs. Sumogwon is beautiful and peaceful and so much quieter than Seoul ever is. The air is crisp and fresh, untouched by pollution this far into the mountains.

This feels a lot like starting over, starting fresh with nothing holding him back. This trip and this town. Yixing welcomes the feeling like coming home to his family. Starting over doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, and Yixing thinks that with who he’s starting over with, it won’t be bad at all. Yixing turns his head up to the sky, closing his eyes and letting the warmth seep from the tip of his nose all the way down to the soles of his feet.

He feels a hand press on his lower back and when he opens his eyes and looks over, Joonmyun is looking at him like he’s the sun. Yixing wishes he knew how to tell Joonmyun that he’s the sun and not the other way around without sounding cheesy.

“You look happy now,” Joonmyun says as he leans into Yixing’s side. Yixing leans back into him, knowing that Joonmyun has always been there to catch him and looks ahead at Baekhyun who is muttering to himself about finding a restaurant as he looks down at his phone. He looks over just as Yixing does, and his face completely lights up as he looks at Yixing and Joonmyun standing on the sidewalk. Maybe Baekhyun isn’t a distant sun like Yixing once thought, not something unreachable. His galaxy doesn’t have two suns, no. But Baekhyun, his better half, the bright side of the moon, silvery and glowing and everything beautiful that comes from the sun is reflected off him. Yixing is content with being the dark side of the moon, he gets to sit and watch the two most beautiful things in his galaxy make light.

“I am happy,” Yixing says as Baekhyun calls for them to catch up so they can settle in before getting something to eat. He feels Joonmyun’s arm snake around his waist and squeeze him gently, a wordless I love you and I’m happy for you that means so much more than Yixing could ever explain. “You make me happy. You both make me happy.”

“You make us happy too, Yixing-ah. You always have.”

Joonmyun drops his hand from Yixing’s waist and they half jog to catch up to Baekhyun who steals a kiss from both of their cheeks with a snicker. They walk the few blocks to where they’re staying for the weekend, not seeing any use in calling a cab when it’s so nice out. A gust of wind blows through the street and Baekhyun spreads his arms out, making his shirt and hair flow behind him and Yixing wishes that he could’ve been able to take a picture of the moment. He looked so uninhibited and lovely and Yixing wants to keep the moment forever.

They reach the house they’re staying at for the weekend and find the key under the potted plant near the entrance just like the owner told Joonmyun. They don’t waste time looking around, especially not when Baekhyun’s stomach is growling at them to hurry up. Yixing takes their three bags to the bedroom and drops them right inside the doorway. The place is cozy, it reminds Yixing of his grandmother’s house when he was younger.

When he joins the other two back at the entrance he finds Joonmyun pressed against the wall and Baekhyun pressed against him, a hand down the back of Joonmyun’s jeans and mouth attached to his neck. A low whine sounds from Joonmyun’s throat as Baekhyun presses closer to him.

“Am I interrupting?” Yixing asks as he takes a step towards them. Baekhyun chuckles against Joonmyun’s skin and pulls away to look at Yixing.

“Absolutely not,” Baekhyun hums, a smirk dancing on his lips. “There’s always room for you to join.”

Joonmyun sighs out as Baekhyun kisses Yixing and slumps back against the wall. “We should eat. Then we can come back and finish this.”

Yixing nods, reluctantly pulling away from Baekhyun’s lips. “That sounds like a good idea.”

Baekhyun kisses them both one last time, sighing softly each time, before leading them back outside and in the direction of the restaurant he picked earlier. Yixing can see the mountains rise over the town in the distance as they walk, sheltering them from the pollution of the bigger cities on the other side. It’s a comforting feeling knowing that he’s separated from the rest of the world out here. Just Joonmyun, Baekhyun, and himself and unfamiliar people they don’t have to get to know.

They end up at a pizza place and eat far more than they really should and take a cab to Sangmyeon a few minutes up the road to look around some of the bigger stores that Sumogwon doesn’t have. They buy things for Kasper and Jieun, and mementos for their apartment to take back home. It turns dark before they realize how much time has passed and decide to head back to the guest house.

From the back of the house they can see fireworks going off in the dark sky several miles away. It’s not a show for them to watch, but Yixing thinks that this is just as good as being at the actual show. Baekhyun stumbles over his words and feet trying to pull Joonmyun and Yixing back inside as it nears midnight.

Yixing finds it easy to lose himself in their own private bubble, in the way Joonmyun’s hands feel against his skin and the sounds Baekhyun makes when he’s touched just right. In the way Baekhyun whines while Joonmyun snores as they sleep, tangled with Yixing like a ball of yarn.

Yixing lays between the two of them, staring up at the moonlit ceiling as he listens to the animals in the distance. It’s still a little cold to sleep with the windows open, but Joonmyun and Baekhyun keep him warm enough. He likes this noise so much more than the electric city buzz of Itaewon. Even at the university there were still too much noise from cars and not enough noise from nature for his liking. Baekhyun shifts beside him, mumbling softly and tightening his grip on Yixing’s legs with his own. His arms are spread across their mats on the floor, one draping over Yixing’s bare chest and reaching to rest on top of Joonmyun’s.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever understand how he ended up here, like this, with the two of them. They’re a silly trio, really. Baekhyun has always been louder than loud, Joonmyun quiet in public but silly when it’s just them, and Yixing somewhere between the two of them. Yixing spent every day of his life since he was sixteen being pessimistic and telling himself that Baekhyun would never be more than a friend, that he would never love anyone as much as he loves Baekhyun and be loved back. At twenty-four he has more than he would’ve ever dreamed of. He hasn’t even let any of this sink into his brain, it’s all so still surreal to him. Each time Baekhyun kisses him or kisses Joonmyun he feels like he’s dreaming.

Baekhyun has never said he was their boyfriend, and Yixing has never wanted to push it, but maybe that’s what he needs to make this feel more like reality. He hopes that he’ll stop waking up in the middle of the night, feeling like he can’t breathe because he had a dream he was choking on flowers again.

Yixing lets out a slow breath, trying to calm his sudden anxiousness. There’s no flowers, there hasn’t been for months. He’s okay.

“Yixing-ah,” Joonmyun rasps into his ear, his warm breath tickling his neck and making him flinch. “Why are you still awake?”

Yixing reaches up with the hand that’s not trapped and pats Joonmyun’s cheek gently and whispers, “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Hmm… It’s because you’re thinking, right? No thinking, just sleeping,” Joonmyun mumbles, half awake and Yixing tries his hardest not to chuckle at how sleepy he sounds. He turns his head and presses his lips to Joonmyun’s forehead and the older hums softly.

“I’ll go to sleep now, go back to sleep.”

“ _Noyouwon’t_ ,” Joonmyun slurs and burrows closer to Yixing, falling back to sleep anyway. “ _Iloveyou._ ”

“Love you, Myunnie.”

Joonmyun lets out a soft snore into Yixing’s ear before he can even finish saying his sentence. A cow moos from a field and crickets chirp softly just outside their window. Yixing needs to tell Baekhyun he loves him.

 

Yixing wakes up to sun shining in from the window and not remembering falling asleep in the first place. He lifts his head, blinking away the sleep only to realize that both Baekhyun and Joonmyun are gone. He groans softly as he stretches out his limbs and sits up with a yawn, wishing that at least one of them were still here so he could cuddle them, and maybe go back to sleep. Yixing sits and waits for a few more minutes, hoping that one of them will walk through the cracked door, but they never do, and he’s forced to get up and go find them. When he stands up he gets lightheaded and sways a little bit. Yixing steadies himself against the way until the feeling goes away and shuffles out into the main room hoping to find someone.

The kitchen and living room are empty, much to his dismay, but he does hear the shower running. He steps out of his boxers as he reaches the bathroom and opens the door to see Baekhyun and Joonmyun shapes behind the curtain.

“Mind if I join?” Yixing asks as he peeks his head around the curtain. Joonmyun startles, nearly slipping, but Baekhyun catches him just in time and holds him upright.

“You’re finally up! We have to leave soon, so no funny business,” Baekhyun says as Yixing steps into the small space.

“You telling me no funny business is rich,” Yixing snorts as he goes under the shower and wets his hair. Baekhyun is the first one to step out of the shower to get dressed, leaving Joonmyun and Yixing alone for the first time in a while. Joonmyun massages the shampoo into Yixing’s hair slowly and Yixing closes his eyes slowly, feeling drowsy again.

“Did you fall asleep quickly after I told you to last night?” Joonmyun asks as he works the soap into Yixing’s hair. Yixing hums softly, chest feeling oddly heavy.

“Yeah, I think so. I don’t remember falling asleep, actually.”

“You save all your thinking for late at night and then you never get any rest,” Joonmyun sighs and Yixing pouts at him, keeping his eyes closed. “What? It’s true. You need to think less.”

“I was thinking about you and Baekhyun, though,” Yixing whines softly as Joonmyun guides him to take a step back under the shower.

“Flattering, but still, Yixing.”

Yixing washes the shampoo out of his hair as Joonmyun steps out of the shower, but he doesn’t leave the bathroom leaving Yixing to wait for him to start talking again.

“Do you think that this is the right thing to do?” Joonmyun asks after a while, sitting on the closed lid of the toilet as Yixing scrubs his body.

“With Baekhyun?”

“Yeah, like this is okay? Right?” Joonmyun sounds worried and it makes Yixing’s skin prickle with discomfort. If Joonmyun isn’t okay with this, then he has no choice but to stop it. He loves Baekhyun, but he could never let Joonmyun go, despite what the flowers might suggest.

“Are you comfortable with this?” Yixing’s hands have fallen to his sides, not bothering to lather his torso with soap anymore. The water is beating against his back and falling into a puddle at his feet before swirling down the drain, completely oblivious to the conversation happening.

“It’s not about me being comfortable, it’s about if this is the right thing. I’ve never done this before, this… polyamory thing. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“But are you, Joonmyun,” Yixing asks again, frowning. The water is starting to turn cold on his back, making goosebumps rise on his skin.

“Yes, I am. I am. I care about both of you more than I’ve ever cared about anything. But what about Baekhyun? What if he feels like I’m taking you from him?”

“Joonmyun,” Yixing says softly as he pulls back the shower curtain to look at the older. “Joonmyun, look at me. I highly doubt he feels like that, but if you want we can talk to him about it, yeah?”

Joonmyun looks up from his hands to Yixing and nods a little. “Yeah, when we get back to Itaewon we should talk about it.”

“I love you, you know.”

“I love you, too. Rinse the rest of the way off, we should get going soon.”

Yixing nods and closes the curtain and rinses the rest of the way off as Joonmyun leaves the bathroom to get dressed. It’ll be okay, there’s nothing wrong with Joonmyun needing reassurance. Yixing refuses to let himself think too much about it. It’ll be a good thing for them all to talk about, anyway, just so they all are on the same page. Everything will be fine.

As Yixing is getting dressed after his shower, he feels a stabbing pain in his side, just underneath his ribs that nearly knocks the wind out of his lungs. He winces a little but dismisses it, figuring it’s from sleeping on just a floor and being tangled up with the other two. They don’t have time to waste getting to The Garden of Morning Calm, anyway, there’s no point in making a big deal about it. Yixing’s spent nearly five years suffocating, he can handle a day with a pulled muscle.

 

The drive to the garden is painstakingly uneventful, but the uneven roads make Yixing’s side hurt even more than it did earlier. Joonmyun is busy looking at the itinerary they agreed upon and Baekhyun has dozed off on his shoulder, so neither of them notice his grimace or his hand gripping at his side. It feels like the pain is crawling up his side as time goes on, this morning it was below his ribs, now it’s stretching around the front of his chest towards his sternum. He toughs it out each time they hit a pothole, Yixing has no intention on ruining their weekend away over some pain. He knows that as soon as either of them notice they’re going to want to go back, and that’s the last thing Yixing wants.

He’s stuck looking out the window as the small-town buildings turn into flourishing green trees that make the air even easier to breathe trying his best to ignore the discomfort. It’s only about a twenty-minute ride, but the pain makes it feel like so much longer. Once they come to a stop, Joonmyun wakes Baekhyun and they make their way to the ticket booth at the front of the garden.

Yixing tries to be discreet about hiding his wincing as they walk into the garden. He crosses his arm across his torso trying to look nonchalant about it, but each step they take the pain seems to get worse. The walk through the Home Town Garden in the front of the garden is short, and the flowers are beautiful. It smells so much like the earth already that Yixing doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to smelling the city once they go back.

Just as he expected, Baekhyun is flinching away from the bugs that are flying around and the bees that are working on pollinating the flowers. He keeps whining and Joonmyun keeps shushing him, it’s amusing. They pass by the thatched cottage and welcome the cool breeze that makes the trees branches rustle. It almost makes Yixing forget about the pain in his side.

The Rose of Sharon Garden is beautifully red and the three of them stop to take a picture on the steps in front of the bushes of Korea’s national flower. Baekhyun mentions something about how roses are overrated, Yixing agrees. The flowers make his stomach turn and his side hurt even worse to the point where he’s fallen behind the other two as they make their way to the Bonsai garden. The green is a nice replacement to the overwhelming amount of flowers that only make Yixing’s heart race anxiously and his throat get thick.

It’s only been half an hour since they entered the garden, but it feels like it’s been hours. Yixing can’t seem to catch his breath and the pain is starting to spread to his neck and shoulder. He doesn’t know what’s happening, he just knows that he can’t let Baekhyun and Joonmyun notice. The longer they continue to walk the more convinced he is that this isn’t a pulled muscle.

Yixing is forced to watch Joonmyun and Baekhyun walk ahead of him towards the Millennial Juniper. He sees them laughing and talking and pointing at the scattered cottages in the distance and the mountain that towers over the garden. He’s struggling to catch his breath, his chest heaving painful wheezes with each step like he just ran twenty miles. Yixing forces down the bile in his throat and tries to catch up to them. The juniper tree towers over them behind a fence. It’s been there for a thousand years and heard the stories thousands of people, Yixing wants it to hear his, as well.

“Hey, are you okay?” Baekhyun asks as Joonmyun is taking pictures of the tree a few feet away from where they’re standing. He places his hand on the small of Yixing’s sweat dampened back. The light pressure makes pain jolt up Yixing’s side. Clenching his jaw, he nods to Baekhyun with a weak smile. He’s okay, he’s fine.

“Yeah, I just have a little headache. I think all the pollen is making my allergies act up and it’s making my head hurt a little,” Yixing lies, forcing himself not to wince at the stabbing pain in his ribs as he talks. “It’s not awful though, so don’t worry.”

Baekhyun stares at Yixing for a moment, taking in the dampness of his forehead and the tenseness in his voice he knows is there. He sighs softly before nodding and dropping his hand. “Alright, if it gets worse, tell us.”

“I will.” Yixing nods and smiles at him. “Oh, and please don’t tell Joonmyun. I don’t want to worry him.”

Baekhyun pauses a moment before nodding once again and offering him a small smile. He’s worried and Yixing feels awful. This trip was supposed to be fun and stress free, but he’s ruining it. He pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and joins the other two for a picture in front of the juniper, throwing up peace signs as he stands between them. He can pretend, it’s not that hard.

Yixing thinks that the Sunken Garden is the prettiest part of the whole place. Baekhyun begs to differ, solely because of the bugs that buzz around the pond. He’s especially not fond of the dragonflies and has taken to calling them ‘Satan with wings.’ Joonmyun tries to hold him back on the bridge a little longer, but he skitters away just as a particularly large dragonfly zooms past his head. He waits at the opposite end of the bridge that crosses over the pond with a pout as Yixing tries his very best not to wince too visibly.

Yixing looks over the railing of the bridge down to the water that’s just below their feet. Through the lily pads that are taking over the water he sees his own reflection, rippled and distorted from the breeze blowing through the mountains. He wants to say that he looks happy, but he mostly looks miserable. Yixing sighs to himself and takes a slow breath, careful not to put any strain on his chest. They’re nearly halfway done, and their next stop is a rest next to another pond. It’ll give Yixing time to catch his breath and hopefully will away the newly acquired stabbing pain in his lungs.

The longer they’re out, the worse the pain is getting. Yixing can only think that he’s in the process of dying from the flowers. All sorts of things are going through his mind, maybe he waited too long, maybe Baekhyun doesn’t really love him, maybe Joonmyun fell out of love with him. Maybe he was better off getting the flowers removed years ago and Baekhyun’s love is only out of pity. All of his thoughts make Yixing want to burst into tears, make him want to scream at the top of his lungs until they burst, and flowers fly into the air into a horrific mess. Nothing good can ever hurt this much, he’s rationalized that much. If this were anything good, it wouldn’t feel like there were razors cutting into his lungs each time he took a breath.

As they walk towards the gift shop, the longest walking distance without stops so far, Baekhyun keeps stealing looks at Yixing while Joonmyun takes pictures of practically everything. Yixing is trying to make it seem like he’s okay, but he knows that Baekhyun doesn’t believe it for a second. He just barely convinced them to go to the gift shop without him, so he could escape to the bathroom to try and get his bearings together. Each step he takes feels like another dagger ripping at his lungs. Now he actually does have a headache, amongst everything else.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Baekhyun asks, his hand hovering behind Yixing, like he’s worried that Yixing is about to topple over. Truthfully, Yixing wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

“I’m sure, Baekhyunnie. Get presents for everyone and I’ll meet you guys back in there. It’ll only take a second,” Yixing says, feeling winded. He swallows hard, forcing a smile and winces at the feeling of cold sweat rolling down his back.

Baekhyun sighs softly and nods again, pulling Joonmyun in the direction of the gift shop as Yixing makes his way further down towards the bathrooms. He hopes to anything that’s listening that no one is in there.

Just as he goes to open the door, it swings open and a guy walks out. He gives Yixing a weird look and doesn’t try to hide how he’s avoiding being too close to him by pressing against the wall as he exits the restroom. He walks into the bathroom and a wave of nausea crashes through him like a rip tide, making him feel light headed. Yixing stumbles into a stall, crashing into the door and not bothering to close it behind him as he crouches and heaves into the toilet. His lungs feel like they’re being shredded and ripped to pieces each time he takes in a breath, and even worse when he coughs. Tears slip from the corner of his eyes as he heaves again.

Something comes up his throat, getting stuck on the back of his tongue. It feels so much bigger than anything Yixing has coughed up and he’s forced to reach into his mouth and grab at it and pull. His throat feels like he swallowed thorns it hurts so bad. He tugs and gags as he pulls what seems to be a stem from his throat, coughing viciously once it’s finally out and dropped into the toilet in front of him.

Yixing opens his eyes for the first time in what seems like hours and blinks through his teary eyes and bright fluorescents of the bathroom to see what he pulled from his mouth.

“What…?” Yixing breathes out as he blinks away the tears collected in his waterline to see a heap of roots and stems taking up the entire bowl. The white is splattered with red, the water turning pink, and when Yixing looks down to his fingers they’re covered in blood. Yixing falls back onto his ass with a small ‘oof’ as he frowns, panic welling up in his aching chest. He doesn’t feel any better, maybe less heavy, but there’s never been any blood before.

He pushes himself up off the floor, blood smearing on the tiles from his hands and rushes to the sink to wash his hands off. Yixing scrubs at his fingers, blood smearing on the white porcelain as tears fall onto his shirt. This is it, this is really it. He’s dying because he was too late, and now there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

“I have to tell them,” Yixing mumbles to himself as he wipes the blood from his lips and rinses off his hands again. “I have to let them know.” He wipes the tears off his cheeks and swallows back the metallic taste on his tongue. Yixing doesn’t look back at the mess he made of the bathroom as he exits and runs towards the gift shop on the other side of the second pond.

Joonmyun sees him first, running and wincing every time his feet hit the ground. Yixing watches as his face turns from confusion to joy to worry in less than a second. Joonmyun rushes towards Yixing, holding out his arms to catch him so they don’t collide.

“Where’s Baekhyun,” Yixing asks, his voice sounding hysteric in his own ears. “He needs to be here. Please, he needs to be here.”

“Yixing he’s right over there. What’s– What’s wrong? What happened?” Joonmyun asks, holding onto Yixing’s arms, trying to figure the mess in front of him out. “Are you hurt? Why is there blood on your shirt?”

“Joonmyun, please,” Yixing nearly sobs, his knees begging to give out beneath him. Joonmyun frowns but calls out Baekhyun’s name, getting his attention. The tone of his voice makes Yixing wish this whole process would hurry up a little faster, he never wanted to hear Joonmyun panicked like that.

“What– Yixing?” Baekhyun cuts himself off, and Yixing swears he can hear all of the air rush from Baekhyun’s lungs.

“I love you, both,” Yixing sobs as he tries to grab for both of their hands through his blurry vision. “I should have told you sooner, Baekhyun. I’m sorry. And Joonmyun, you never deserved this. I never should have gotten so close to you when I knew this was going to happen.”

“Yixing, what the hell are you talking about?” Joonmyun asks, his voice shaking as he grips onto Yixing’s shirt. “What’s happening?”

There’s ringing in Yixing’s ears that’s threatening to drown out their voices. He wasn’t supposed to leave like this.

“Baekhyun, I’ve loved you since we were sixteen years old, did you know that? I did. More than anything,” Yixing whispers, feeling lightheaded as his lungs force him to cough. He just hopes there’s no blood.

“Yixing, why is there a petal,” Joonmyun chokes out as he reaches up and peels a damp petal from Yixing’s lip. They’re not listening to him, he needs them to know he loves them, how sorry he is. He hopes that they’ll always have each other. He knows that it’s unlikely.

“I feel so sorry and regretful for not telling you both,” Yixing coughs again, but this time it feels so much different. His lungs feel like they’re on fire as coughs and coughs. He knows that there are petals falling from his mouth at their feet. He can’t breathe, he can’t talk.

Yixing’s knees finally give out beneath him, and he falls, both Joonmyun and Baekhyun’s hands catching him. He can hear their muffled voices calling for help, begging for someone to call an ambulance.

“Yixing,” he can hear Baekhyun sob above him, feel a ghost of Baekhyun’s hands on his cheek as petals continue to force their way out of his lungs. “You’re going to be okay, yeah? We’re right here. You’re okay.”

Yixing doesn’t feel anything after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue will be posted tomorrow! 
> 
> [twitter](twitter.com/tinyIeader) | [curious cat](curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


	12. Epilogue

_One year later…_

 

Airports have never been Yixing’s friend. They’re always loud and stressful and packed full of too many people. Baekhyun does not help, either. He’s loud, moves around too much, and packs too many bags for any trip he goes on. Yixing supposes that all might be part of his charm, though.

Yixing sits with Joonmyun on his right, and Baekhyun on his left. One is talking about absolutely nothing and the other is playing with Yixing’s fingers as he passes time on his phone. They’ve been here for two hours now, their flight delayed for a reason that the airline refused to tell them.

“Baekhyun, please be quiet,” Yixing sighs and Baekhyun replies with a barking laugh, clearly with no intention of being quiet at all. Yixing doesn’t know what he expected, exactly.

“How am I supposed to be quiet when we’re going to China! To Changsha at that! That suggestion is unfathomable, really,” Baekhyun scoffs with a playful shake of his head. Joonmyun’s shoulder’s shake with laughter next to Yixing. What a traitor, really. Joonmyun is supposed to be on Yixing’s side.

“He has a point, Xing,” Joonmyun chuckles and Yixing rolls his eyes, sinking further into his plastic seat. They always gang up on him like this. He loves them though, and no amount of teasing and ganging up will ever change Yixing’s heart.

The past year has been hectic and emotional, to say the least. He nearly died last summer while they were on vacation. The doctors said that since Yixing had waited so long for his love to be returned and without any medical help, there was a delay and an extreme reaction to the purge of his flowers. They tore through his throat and he lost his voice for two weeks. He’s lucky that the flowers didn’t do permanent damage to his lungs, other than getting winded quicker than normal. He’s lucky about a lot of things, because he should have died then, laying on the ground in the garden with Joonmyun and Baekhyun kneeling over him, not able to do a thing to help him. But he didn’t, and he believes it’s because they were there, telling him he wasn’t alone, that he had never been alone.

Baekhyun and Joonmyun had talked about everything while he was lying unconscious in the hospital bed, they talked about their worries and everything that had happened. About Yixing and Baekhyun’s fight and how he lied about what had really happened between them. Joonmyun’s worries that Baekhyun didn’t actually want the three of them together, Baekhyun’s worries that Joonmyun would hate him. Joonmyun forgave Baekhyun without much thought, though. Now that he thinks about it, Yixing doesn’t know why he was so worried about it in the first place. Joonmyun has always been so understanding, he has always been able to put himself in other people’s shoes and do his best to empathize with them. Yixing and Baekhyun are lucky to have someone like that in their lives.

The hardest thing for them to overcome was Yixing’s secretiveness. They couldn’t understand why he didn’t tell them about the flowers and was planning on letting himself die alone. He thinks that Joonmyun was more hurt by the fact that Yixing had never told him when they were together, Baekhyun was more upset that he was the one who caused them. Yixing understands, though. He would’ve been upset if either of them withheld something like that from him, as well. It would be hard to trust someone if they kept such a big secret from him, too.

It took Baekhyun a long time to come to terms with being the reason that Yixing was dying. He never wanted Baekhyun to find out that part, because he knew exactly how Baekhyun would react to it. Yixing watched Baekhyun go through spells of deep regret, and not really know how to fix any of it for him, especially because he felt guilty for Baekhyun’s feelings. Yixing knows that Joonmyun had his hands full with the two of them and their issues they had to work through, Yixing knows that Joonmyun suffered a lot but he always was there with caring hands and a warm heart for the both of them.

They’re okay, now, though. They, of course, will have times when things are hard, but at the end of the day Yixing knows that they will both always be there, no matter what. Yixing has his two boyfriends and they’re spending two weeks in Changsha. Yixing hasn’t been home in nearly five years, but he’ll try his best to be their guide around his hometown. He doesn’t think they’ll mind if they get lost a few times, as long as they’re together.

The intercom calls out their flight and the three of them haul their carry-ons over the back and walk towards the gate. Joonmyun and Baekhyun walk ahead of him, laughing and poking at each other’s sides. Yixing can’t help but think that they’re two peas in a pod.

“Yixing-ah,” Joonmyun says over his shoulder, eyes shining something otherworldly. “Stop thinking so much and come look at this video of Jieun and Jinri pranking Kas.”

Yixing laughs to himself as Baekhyun pulls Joonmyun’s attention back to the screen and Yixing squeezes himself between them, right where he was always meant to be.

Living has never been easy, but as long as he’s among the stars with Joonmyun and Baekhyun, Yixing doesn’t mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know where to start.... I seriously am in awe that this story is finished and out in the world for everyone to see. That's so wild to me. Looking back on the two (long) years that I spent writing this fic, I think that I can confidently say that I am proud of what I created. This is nowhere near what I thought it was going to be, but I'm glad that it ended the way it did. 
> 
> Thank you to absolutely every single one of you who took the time to read this, who commented and left kudos or messages in my CC or on twitter. I'm so grateful for all of you, truly. Some of you have been waiting for this fic for ages because silly old me used to say that 'i have a long fic coming! just wait!' and well it's finally done! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> Again, thank you to S for letting me annoy you for the past two years about this fic, I'm forever grateful for you and your general wonderfulness. You're the best ever.
> 
> N, did you like it? I hope you don't want to kill me too bad, lmao. (You've stated otherwise, but it's fine). I love you. Happy birthday <3
> 
> As always, you can talk to me on [twitter](twitter.com/tinyIeader) or message me on [curious cat.](curiouscat.me/zhangyixing) Thank you for reading this far and have a good day!!! Ily all!!!! - Sarah ❤️❤️❤️

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](twitter.com/tinyIeader) | [curious cat](curiouscat.me/zhangyixing)


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